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From Ice Cream to "Topping" - Arc 2 - Chapter 8

It was just a little under a half hour now after I had carefully combed through the remaining cobwebs of my infested childhood home and reminisced also what I could, for both good and bad memories sake, before the tenuous and ample grunts of a frustration mixed with an anger I had indeed not felt in a long while now grew and bulged within my core as I continuously began to kick angrily at the doorway to my parents bedroom door then; which with as luck would have it, was nailed shut from top to bottom.

Both this mental and the physical barrier in no way stopped me however in my pursuit of the truth I had come here to confirm, and with every passing second that followed I persisted and with greater fervor too; trying my damndest to make my way inside to the lair of discontent and discord.

"Charlie; I don't really get why we're here man. I mean, yeah sure, you've kind of told me how and why you ran away and all that now, and seriously no judgment on my part here alright, but why come back here anyway?" Ty questioned me with his back against a nearby wall as every breath I drew went towards getting the entry open. "I mean, I guess it just doesn't sit right with me you know; being inside an obviously police condemned building."

As I stared at him silently with a glare of irritation I knew reversely that everything he had been saying made sense, I had to admit, and were I a better man at that moment I might have listened, but in-between every labored gasp and exhausted breath I endured, each growing more shallow and deep by the second, I continued on and stubbornly so; a madman it could be said hell bent on getting what I wanted. "I just have to be sure Ty..."

"Of what Charlie?" Ty asked once more, this time grabbing for my back which broke me out of my concentration as I rushed at the door with my shoulder instead of kicking it now. "Come on, talk to me for a second here."

"You don't want to know about this Ty. Not even Daniel knows about it. I mean... this..." I spoke with both an uneasiness and unwillingness then as I took a short reprieve finally and fell backwards onto my butt on to the floor; the dust from such action staging a perfect effect in perfect parallel to the haze I felt consumed both my heart and mind at that very moment. "This is fear for me Ty. You know; real fear... and hate... worry... and regret waiting behind this door; this stupid fucking door." I said as I threw nearby chunks of anything I could reach just hoping something, really anything would work in breaking it open. "This heavy stupid thing I couldn't even get open when I needed to get it open before." I admitted with defeat as I ran my paw through my fur in frustration. "It's just... it's hard to explain..."

"Charlie; why did you need to get it open so badly?" His sudden inquiry surprised me, and in a way phrased itself too in both a tone and personality I could've sworn would have been more fitting to have been asked by a shrink. In the end though it was with this, these ways of his, from his well intentioned gaze to his genuine sadness for my own feelings, why he held my attention then I hate to admit as he sat himself down next to me then and held his paw down against my own; restraining me softly but efficiently too as he kept me from throwing the rather large brick I had just found by fishing about.

"Because Ty... I could've... I could have... I mean, I should have... god, I wanted to... but... you just wouldn't understand!" Every sentence started began to flush away with each beginning thought following next, and unfortunately so, as every road of contemplation led down a path my mind registered with nothing but hurt and dismay if I dared to recall it all now.

"Why do you need this door open Charlie?" The snow leopard asked it again to which, after being queued it again, my paws instantaneously found their way wrapped around my now flustered and emotional filled face. I could almost feel the heat of my burden imaginatively mix in with the base of my fur then as I kept my hands pushed up against my forehead forcefully; like I was trying to finally push a bad thought out I hadn't ever been able to before.

And as my boiling point reached its peak I caved finally that day; letting Ty in on my deepest and darkest secret that nobody ever knew about me...

"Because Ty... I killed them; my parents I mean." I said it for the first time in my life; its catharsis as heart breaking for me as I had envisioned it was going to be before as the realizations of why I thought as much set in for the first time ever for me. "I let this happen Ty; all of it. I wasn't here to stop the fire; I wasn't strong enough to stop them from drinking." I said as I angrily kicked at a nearby collection of empty beer cans. "I mean, I was weak; more so than I even am now. And I just feel powerless, and hopeless, because of all this... all the time in fact, and every day almost to tell the truth. But you know what's really sad? All I ever wanted to do was come back here and change it for the better Ty. I wanted all this and I really tried..." I said as sadness swelled up in my voice, making my muzzle grow drier by the second as I bantered on. "But I can't now can I? Nope, I can't even run inside and save them now; like how I had planned to do after I had run away so long ago..." I whimpered then as I jostled and thrashed about in all my anger and pain.

This all felt too heavy for me to be sure, and I would've rather, a hundred times over, had faced anything else in the world but this now, but I knew I had to do this; to say how I really felt before the cork metaphorically came off the champagne completely. After all, it was in this and only in this moment here, that my last chance came like I had wanted for so long; to say goodbye, like how I never got to before...

"Please, don't hate me guys! Mom... dad... I didn't want to leave! I wanted to stay and... be a family. Be your son. That's all I ever wanted you know; your understanding, acceptance and love..." I yelled at the wooden frame, almost half expecting someone was actually listening on the other side of it as I continued on. "You guys were always so busy with yourselves and your own fears you forgot about me... and all the time too you know. And for awhile, a very long one in fact, I hated you both so much because of that. But there were good memories here too you know. I remember. There always were. And just so you know a day doesn't go by where I don't remember some of them. I mean yeah... Dad, you called me a faggot and slapped me around for it from time to time sure, but you also were the guy who taught me how to ride a bike... and in your own weird way to never take crap from anyone. I remember that. I own that now; I will forever, I think. And mom... you drank so often and heavy I never could tell when you were sober or straight sauced, but you always found a way and took care of me, especially whenever dad was at his worst. That gave me validation you know. You needed to protect me, your little boy, and in that way I guess you never forgot about me either." I spoke with mixed emotions as I continued on, realizing even amongst my confusion along the way how every thing I was saying made sense its own weird, twisted way. "It's all messed up, all of it, and maybe that's my fault, even I know that; especially as I say it to you guys out loud now... but it's who we were to each other!"

I licked at my lips as a sniffle hanged off the edge of my nose, myself wiping it away as I punched at the ground then and continued on; the render from my fist causing the door to shake if only for but a brief moment. "I hated you both for leaving me alone in this world! How could you! When I found out... you know, what happened... it almost tore me down completely. How could you both have been so stupid? How could it be that after years of drinking, binging, and other bullshit reckless stupidity was it that a single cigarette was your end? So careless... and so shameful too..."

I continued on as I hit the floorboards again, this time with a greater force that I think even startled the silent snow leopard that just stood there quietly in his observation. "Dammit! Didn't you even realize how much I needed you? Because I really did..." The entirety of my sadness spilled out in full force then as I even refused to look at the door any more. "I mean, do you even know how many times there was when I just wanted to give up pretending to be so strong and just come back home? And all I wanted was for us to just see eye to eye more often than we did. That's all. Was that so wrong of me to want? I didn't need protection... I just needed to know you could be there for me!"

In its entirety this all felt so heavy, and soul wrenching too, as my heart squeezed and compressed all the while, making my body shiver in sadness as I remained frozen in my own lost time; the only warmth that could be felt coming from a nearby snow leopard who even by not looking at him then I knew, and regretfully so, cared about me more than he let on, and worse yet, agreed with me on what I argued with amongst the ghosts of my past then too it seemed.

"Ty... would you just... please... just... go away. I can't... I just can't deal with us right now." I said it softly and weakly then, like as if there was even something between us, to which all Ty did was let go of my paw almost immediately after a seconds contemplation, stood up, and started kicking at the bedroom door now instead. "What are you...?"

"Idiot! You want to get in there right? Well then, let's do this together... Charlie." Ty said sharply and with a burning fire in his eyes too as he extended out his hand so he could pick me up like I had him just earlier before when I knocked him over. "Ignore the fact I care and for the things I've done wrong to you before; none of that matters now. What does is how you feel and I... just want to help."

I looked up at the snow leopard as he smiled at me, and in many ways merged reality with fantasy accidentally then as I imagined it was Daniel instead looking right back at me; misjudged on pure feeling alone as I felt like I was back home and somewhere I belonged. "Thank you Ty. I... I misjudged you!" I concluded with full confidence as I clasped for the leopards open palm, him pulling me up with his rather surprising and unpronounced strength as we both then simultaneously laid waste to the doorway in front of us together; in perfect unison almost as kick after kick stymied the wooden edifice before we broke our way in finally.

In the aftermath there we stood, in a room filled with nothing but char and ash, as I looked around at everything carefully and regretfully so; which unfortunately brought me almost immediately to my knees and for good reason too. Because it was in here, in a room I symbolized with hopelessness and hate for so long and for so many years, I was turned around in my way of thinking almost instantaneously as I saw glimpses of burnt, yet familiar belongings amongst the rubble; nothing left the way I remembered from when I ran away years ago.

"Ty... this is my room."

"Wait... what?" Ty questioned quickly and confused as we both looked around together; the entirety of the room, even amongst the burnt wreckage, an obvious thing that it had indeed not belonged to my parents at the moment it was lost to time.

"Wait a minute... this doesn't make any sense." I said as I pawed away at the soot, trying my best to clean off objects memorable and in close proximity to me. "Did they... did they do this for me?" I refused to keep myself held up any longer as the weight of the world pulled me down finally; dragging me even deeper under the unseeable waves of gravity as realizations set in that only further broke my heart further, and in many a way I never needed to know existed. "Why did they...?"

All I could do really was look and observe as my body locked up unfortunately then; all of me stuck in the idea that my parents had, at some point unknowable to me now, had actually missed me, and even enough so to even move me into their room; in hopes of, I dreamt and prayed then, was their way of apologizing to me for years of sorrow prior.

"Charlie, look..." Ty said as he walked over to my nearby old and familiar headboard and grabbed for what looked to be the only fire free object that hadn't caught ablaze with everything else. "It looks like a lockbox."

"Wait a minute. I remember this. Yeah... it was my father's." I said as Ty handed it to me, its old combination hopefully still unchanged from the days back in my youth. "He kept a lot of stuff from his late father in here. I swear... it kind of seemed like this was the only thing that ever made him smile." I admitted with a smile across my own face then. "He never let me see what was in it honestly..." I said as I flipped the last wheeled combination and heard the lock click open successfully. "Not that that ever stopped me from learning the code and looking inside myself anyway."

As I opened the safe slowly with both a chuckle of confidence and patience too, not wanting to damage the box's rather heavy contents as I stood there in the center of the room and ready to embrace its familiar contents, I was met with in its place nothing short of what I'd call a supernatural awe; as if god had just reached down and slapped me right across the maw. Because there sat, replaced in the middle of the container, were not the memories of old, but instead rather pictures of me, set in almost a real time setting; so recent in fact I could tell they were new immediately just by seeing one of me working at the ice cream parlor not any more than a couple years back.

"What... is this? What does this mean? Did they... did they miss me?" I questioned with regret and ardor then; everything in this box completely throwing my head into a full on tailspin. "Why didn't they just tell me Ty? This was everything I wanted... I... I..." I was beginning to lose consciousness then as more piled onto my sorrow addled brain.

"Charlie..." Ty said as he came over and pulled me close into his person, letting my head rest on his as tears worked there way out of me finally; sapping the last of my strength as I stood there with Ty for awhile then. "I'm sorry man."

"For what Ty? It's not like I ever knew. I never even dreamed... this." I said with my face buried deep in his chest now. "This is wrong. All wrong. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I needed closure. I needed to hate them, but forgive them too you know. This was supposed to fix me..." I argued stupidly and halfheartedly too as I looked down at the ground in contemplation; the total of confusion itself then too much to process as the entirety of me almost gave up on ever feeling good about myself again after this point.

That was, until Ty said something stupid... for the second time today.

"What's so wrong with you anyway that you think you need fixing huh? You're perfect just the way you are Charlie." Ty said as his paw propped up my head then, raising my face in the direction of his own as I felt his soft breaths blow against me. "I never stopped feeling that way about you. And I think you feel that way now too; don't you?"

So there it came finally; Ty's eventual confession of adoration and adulation I knew for awhile already wasn't too far away from transforming from stagnant worry to serious reality. And just like clockwork and not in any way unexpected, for me at least, it came at never a more well situated and opportune moment for him than with this experience pending; one which ultimately left me at my weakest, if I was being honest, as his muzzle inched closer to be pushed up against my own.

What will I do now? Is this what I want? Is he really the one who's always been there for me? Let's see what happens next...