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Third time's the charm. That's what they all said. Maybe he got caught off-guard by a chubby rat's smelly ass. Maybe he didn't know a fat crocodile would trap him in a jar and fart all over him until he practically passed out. But this time would be different; the gray monkey knew it would be. Klepto had inspected this place beforehand; he knew that only a lion lived here, and his bat friend was staying over. At least now once he infiltrated the house, he wouldn't run into any strange "entities" he wasn't already aware of. The six-inch-tall monkey bandit figured it would be best to strike in the morning, since both furs would be out at work. Right now the short primate was waiting inside a bush behind the house. He couldn't rush this time or bait anyone to come outside. Sooner or later, one of the two furs would come outside for something. Whether it was pure luck or just natural assumption, the gray monkey was right. The lion opened up the back door and stepped outside carrying a trash bag filled with several cans and bottles of beer. Klepto immediately jumped out the bushes and panted as he rushed inside the house.

The gray monkey had no time to dilly-dally; the last thing he needed was to get gassed out again like his last two times. So the primate wagged his tail and looked all around, panting and trying to figure out where the owners would hide their treasure. Thinking something was about to go wrong, Klepto threw himself behind a small waist bin lying right beside a stained tan couch. Klepto sniffed the air multiple times and exhaled. Nothing reeked of rotten eggs or dirty asses; the owner of the house didn't seem to be flatulent. Although the living room did smell like someone hadn't showered in a few days, and there seemed to be some trash and cans lying around on the floor. The lion returned to his house and shut the back door. Klepto was about to step out of hiding when the lion's friend walked out of a hallway, grumbling and carrying a can of beer in his right hand. The winged creature saw his feline friend standing in the living room and chuckled.

"Heeeeeeey, Marty! Wot's goin' on?"

The lion huffed. "It's not even eleven in the morning and you're already drunk?"

The creature, a spectacled flying fox with a thick accent, quaffed the rest of his beer and gulped hard. "Gotta knock out th' hangover! Y'know 'ow it is!"

"You don't cure a hangover by drinking more beer, dumbass!"

The bat hiccupped. "Says you!"

Marty didn't feel like arguing so he changed the subject. "I gotta go to work now. Can you please try not to fuck anything up while I'm gone? Can you please stay in the house this time? The last thing we need is you wandering around the streets puking all over random furs."

"Workin's fer twats."

"Yes, yes, so is brushing your teeth, staying sober, showering, and using the toilet--none of which you seem to be capable of doing lately. If being a twat means I can get money and I smell nice, then fine, I'm a fuckin' twat."

The large bat laughed heartily and hiccupped again. "HA! Yew just fuckin' admitted it!"

"Fine, whatever. Just stay in the house, Calum. And for the love of God, stop pissing your pants all the time! I'm getting tired of having to wash your trousers because you keep wettin' yourself!"

"I-I only do that 'cos I'm drunk!"

"Then stop getting drunk!"

Calum burped deeply and shook his head. "Nah...quite fond of it!"

Marty scoffed out of frustration and headed for the front door. "Just remember what I said about not peeing yourself and not leaving the house. And if you throw up on the floor again, I'm gonna make you clean it up with your mouth!"

Calum watched as Marty opened up the front door and stormed outside, shutting it. Then he locked the front door with his keys and promptly headed for work. Meanwhile, the fruit bat blinked and hiccupped, his belly grumbling. Klepto peeked around the corner of the trash bin and saw the fruit bat clad in dark blue jeans and a musty T-shirt. The winged creature grunted as he tried to take a step forward, wobbling and having trouble standing up straight. Klepto grinned. Getting past this idiot would be easier than he thought. If he was really this drunk, then chances were his vision was blurred. As Calum made his way to the fridge, Klepto dashed into the living room, noticing a jar high up on a fireplace. He couldn't tell what was in it, but it couldn't hurt to check. So Klepto hopped into a plant and started to climb up the leaves. And then he shouted and hid in the plant's dirt once Calum returned carrying a six pack in his left hand. The bat sat down on the living room couch and sighed as he pulled one of the cans from the plastic rings that bound the cans together. Klepto slowly stuck his head out the dirt and glanced forward. The fireplace wasn't far from the TV, and both places were in front of the couch. The monkey shut his eyes and swore as he tried to think of a solution.

Unfortunately, Calum wasn't moving. As Klepto watched the bat down his third can of alcohol, the monkey realized that all he could do now was run and hope that the bat didn't spot him. So the monkey slowly began to stick his head further out the dirt, ready to make a run for it. That's when the spectacled flying fox belched heartily and groaned. He blinked and let the can fall from his hand before he grabbed his crotch. The large bat grumbled as he felt his bladder on the verge of exploding. Grinning, Calum staggered as he walked over to the wall right beside a bookcase. Klepto watched as the bat unzipped his jeans and started to fumble around with his penis. He lowered his jeans just far enough to let his penis out and promptly pointed it at the wall. Klepto watched with disgust as the bat slowly started to pee on the wall and carpet, the yellow fluids splattering with much noise. Calum laughed drunkenly to himself before he hiccupped.

"I ain't pissin' my pants now, Marty! Hehehe, I ain't pissin' my fuckin' pants!"

The gray monkey grumbled and shook his head. The bat wasn't facing him anymore; now was the time to move. Klepto hopped out of the potted plant and landed on the floor with a soft thump. The gray monkey tried not to pay attention to the urinating bat as he started to run across the living room. As he ran towards the couch and looked back at the fireplace, he frowned. The jar only had a collection of coins inside; the owner probably didn't have a piggy-bank and stuffed spare change in there. Klepto groaned with frustration before he looked left and right. The primate thought about checking behind the couch, but there wasn't enough room for him to squeeze in, despite his short height. Klepto lied flat on his belly and looked beneath the couch, where all he saw were dust mites and a few crumbs of food. The monkey wagged his slender tail and huffed. He started to walk away from the couch when he stopped and looked at the cans of beer Calum left behind.

"...You can't be serious," the monkey muttered.

It seemed so logical now. His treasure was hidden in plain sight. Bandits do this all the time; they hide treasure in the most obvious place so it was easy for them to find, but hard for anyone else who kept overthinking the situation. Clearly Klepto should've known that this house was filled with small diamonds. And what better way to hide them than by putting them inside what looked like an ordinary can of beer? No wonder Calum kept drinking so much; he was swallowing the diamonds so he could transport them somewhere throughout his body. Unless someone cut his stomach open, no one would ever find the diamonds. Klepto grinned widely. It all made so much sense now that he thought about it.

"Hehehe, good try batty, but I'm too smart for you!"

Klepto grunted as he started to climb onto the couch, eager to pop open one of the cans. Meanwhile, the drunken bat was still urinating heavily, not knowing where Klepto was. His yellow waste was splattering all over the wall, staining it heavily as the musky fluids sprayed everywhere. Calum watched as the fluids skittered down the wall and got onto the rug, creating a fairly large puddle. Giggling, Calum pointed his penis down and started to hose the floor instead, the yellow piss splattering the carpet with full force. The strong smell of his urine had filled the whole living room and was making Klepto cough a few times. Calum belched deeply and licked some slobber off his lips before saw some of the urine moving backwards towards his bare feet. He backed up a little and pointed his penis at the wall again, intrigued by the disgusting patterns his yellow waste was creating. His piss sparkled as it gushed out of his urethra, the waste a rich and dark color that had a heavy scent of beer in it. Calum could feel his stream of urine dwindling and released the rest of it all over the carpet, chuckling as the liquids were absorbed by the floor.

"There...happy, Marty?" he said in a slurred voice.

Calum grumbled as he stuffed his penis back into his underwear and zipped his pants back up. That's when Calum's left ear twitched after he heard something hiss. The spectacled flying fox grunted questionably and turned around, where he saw Klepto standing on top of a beer can as he attempted to open it.

"The fuck?"

Klepto stopped and looked up at Calum with wide eyes. The two creatures stared at each other with surprise before Klepto quickly swore and leaped towards the table. As Calum rushed forward snarling, the gray monkey landed on the table and threw himself inside an empty bag of chips. The bat, although inebriated, wasn't stupid. He grinned as he approached the potato chips bag and picked it up with his bare hands. Sure enough, Klepto was inside, swearing as he tried to rip a hole in the bag he could escape through. The bat snickered as he looked inside the bag and then stuffed his muzzle inside. Klepto suddenly stopped moving when he felt something splashing down on his head. The monkey looked up and could see Calum's entire muzzle, which was wide open and revealing drool and yellow teeth. Klepto immediately grimaced and plugged his nose when Calum huffed, blowing a hot gust of foul-smelling breath at him. Klepto thought he was about to be eaten, but the bat wasn't even snapping at him. He was just exhaling heavily and drooling, smothering the monkey in saliva. It wasn't until Klepto noticed he was becoming light-headed that he realized Calum didn't want to eat him. He wanted to torture him with his nasty mouth.

Klepto didn't know what grossed him out more: the nasty, thick drool that reminded him of slime, or the nauseating smell of Calum's breath. Obviously the bat hadn't brushed his teeth in at least a week, and all the beer he had consumed didn't make it smell any better. Calum chuckled evilly before he felt a nasty gas bubble coming up his throat. The bat opened his mouth wide as he released the repulsive belch from his mouth, the crackling noises making Klepto's ears hurt. The monkey groaned out loud as the bat's hot breath washed over him. Feeling more gas, Calum kept his mouth open and burped again, the crackling sounds becoming more cacophonous. Klepto shut his eyes as tiny drops of spit were blasted all over his little head. He covered his nose with his arm, but that didn't help block out the odor. Calum lowered his jaw a little and let out two small burps that weren't even a half second long. And then everything went quiet. Calum wasn't even exhaling in the monkey's face anymore. Klepto slowly opened his eyes and looked at Calum's muzzle, wondering what just happened. But it was all a ruse, as Calum felt more gas rushing up his throat.

Klepto shouted when Calum burped so fiercely that his ears started to ring. It sounded more like the bat was roaring, not belching. The bag seemed like it was shaking from the vibrations of the bat's belch. Saliva was spraying all over the micro bandit, getting his fur wetter than before. Calum's bad breath seemed toxic at this point; Klepto felt the moisture of the creature's gas emission, and the sour stench nearly made the monkey retch. The bat wasn't sure how long he belched. All he knew was that his way of "torturing" the bandit was definitely working. Once Calum stopped burping and removed his muzzle from the bag, he giggled to himself.

"Yew ready ta come out?!"

Klepto was busy coughing and retching, desperately trying to get himself out the bag. But just as he stuck his head out to get some fresh air, Calum stuck his hand inside the bag and took Klepto out on his own. Klepto shouted as the bat held him upside-down by his tail, grinning and shaking the monkey a little.

"Oh...'nother one of yew tiny things!"

Klepto thought he was staring at some kind of adorable winged puppy. He couldn't understand how a creature with playful-looking ears and large brown eyes could be this cruel and disgusting. Klepto thought about bargaining his way to freedom, but the bat was holding the monkey very close to his maw. Calum opened his mouth and exhaled deeply into Klepto's face again, making sure his nostrils were plagued with the stench of his fetid breath. The gray primate coughed a few more times as he felt dizzier, the odor screwing with his nose. His eyes were watering as well, which made it much harder for him to see.

"Wait...he-hey! You don't gotta eat me! I can--"

Calum interrupted him with a deep burp. The sour, spicy gases rushed out of his mouth and slammed into the monkey's small body. The revolting crackling noises rang within Klepto's ears; the smell of a bacteria-infested mouth burned his nose; his fur became wetter as more spittle flew all over his body. Calum closed his mouth after letting out the nasty burp before he felt a bitter gas bubble coming on. He brought the monkey so close to his muzzle that Klepto could see some of the food stuck in-between his lower row of teeth. Then Calum burped again, although this time it was much quieter, and had a strange acidic odor to it. The spectacled flying fox exhaled before he licked his lips.

"Ain't tasted a monkey before...wonder if yer as good as that fox!"

"Wait, hold on a second! You don't need to--"

Klepto shouted with disgust when Calum opened his slobbery mouth and licked Klepto from his head down to his groin. It reminded the bandit of the time he was "assaulted" by a feral dog that wouldn't stop licking him. Calum smacked his lips and chuckled before he stuck his red tongue back out and licked Klepto very slowly a second time. The primate shut his eyes as the front side of his body was smothered in bat drool. The bat would be lying if he said that Klepto was as tasty as the fox he devoured a while ago, but the winged creature was hungry and didn't feel like being picky. Nevertheless, Calum felt like he should taste his prey a little more. So he lowered his mandible and quickly shoved Klepto inside before he even had time to scream. The monkey yelped as he was thrown into the bat's malodorous mouth. Even worse, Calum began to close his mouth so only a small amount of light would come in. Klepto shivered as he was trapped within the disgusting mouth. He looked left and right and saw the rows of teeth and the insides of Calum's cheeks. Drool was descending down onto the monkey's body; his fur was sodden at this point. Klepto had trouble breathing as he was blasted every few seconds by a gust of Calum's rank breath.

The bat growled and opened his mouth, panting as he moved his tongue around the monkey's body to get a proper taste of him. Klepto tried to move or stand up, but he kept flopping around on the bat's sloppy tongue. It was becoming much harder to see because of all the saliva and his watering eyes. Calum opened his mouth wide and exhaled deeply in the primate's face, just to torment him even more. Then he belched, causing Klepto to shut his eyes and groan as the putrid scent hit him with full force. Calum closed his mouth and rolled the monkey around his maw, letting the micro graze his teeth. Klepto screamed as he tried to roll away; the last thing he wanted was to be chewed to death. But in the process, he wound up slipping onto the tongue, and nearly slid into Calum's esophagus. But the bat didn't swallow him just yet. He tilted his head down and let Klepto roll back to the front of his mouth. The monkey was almost unconscious now. He was getting tired of being flopped around by the disgusting tongue, and he couldn't stand the bat's bad breath any longer. For a brief moment, Klepto was upset that he wasn't being tortured by the bat's farts. At least he wouldn't have to worry about being devoured in that case.

Calum opened his mouth and mercifully pulled the bandit out. The spectacled flying fox stared at the drool-infested monkey as he held him by the tail. Klepto was fading in and out, panting as he tried to stay awake. The bat grinned widely as he stared at the bandit. Then he opened his mouth and prepared to stuff Klepto inside. The monkey shut his eyes and waited for the inevitable to happen. ...Only, it didn't happen. As Calum prepared to eat the primate, his stomach gurgled and he immediately shut his mouth. Klepto stared at the bat, who seemed to look confused and dizzy. Calum took a few deep breaths before his stomach grumbled again. He abruptly belched and retched, and his stomach started to churn. The bat no longer cared for the micro bandit and tossed him on the couch, where he landed on the soft cushion without being injured. Klepto panted as he quickly stood up on the couch and looked at the bat. He retched again before he covered his mouth with his right hand. Seconds later, Calum rushed into the kitchen, where he promptly began to vomit into the sink.

Klepto stared at the puking bat before he glanced over at the front door and the window that was wide open. He knew when he needed to cut and run. And there was a perfectly good chair Klepto could climb on that would lead him outside. Without hesitating, the gray monkey leaped off the couch and landed on the floor with a hard thud. Then he sprinted for the chair, ignoring all the trash around him. He jumped forward and latched onto the chair's left leg, where he quickly shimmied his way up until he was on the seat of the wooden structure. Then Klepto hopped up and climbed onto the chair's left arm. Klepto didn't think about his actions; he just did whatever popped into his brain. So the monkey shouted as he leaped forward and grabbed part of window's short curtains. He scurried his way up the curtains before shouting and hopping onto the window sill. The panting, sweating, drool-soaked monkey turned around and could see that Calum had finished puking. He threw himself outside, where he safely landed into a bush containing several leaves, many of which had spines. Klepto landed on his back after falling through the bush, his body slightly lacerated by all the spines. The monkey panted for a brief moment before he closed his eyes and exhaled with relief.

Meanwhile, Calum had finished throwing up and was sluggishly dragging his feet across the carpet. He wiped some bile off his mouth before he groaned and sat down in the chair beside the window. All the unpleasant side-effects of the alcohol were taking its toll on Calum, and he was feeling woozy and nauseous. He moaned and felt his stomach gurgling again. The spectacled flying fox didn't have time to even try to rush for the bathroom, kitchen sink, or even the trash bin. He stuck his head and part of his upper body out the window and violently puked again. Klepto was just starting to chuckle at how lucky he was to still be alive when the foul-smelling bile splattered all over his body. Klepto stopped laughing and froze after being hit by the substance. Once the revolting substance stopped spewing from the bat's mouth, Calum moaned and took a few deep breaths, and then collapsed on the living room floor, groaning. Klepto stood still for a while as he looked at the nasty bile with wide eyes. Then he shut his eyes and sighed nonchalantly, not even disgusted by what just happened.

"I probably should've expected that by now..."