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After Daren asked me out that Wednesday, the rest of the week started to feel unbearably slow. Whether it was during class, while I was doing homework after school, or even during Friday's game, all I could think about was my upcoming date with that sexy, beefy Rottie.

Okay, lunch on Thursday was kind of fun once Scott convinced the other guys at our table to give him all their leftover food and made some sort of a mutant baked potato/french fry/ lasagna abomination; that was pretty entertaining...

Wait, why was I thinking about that? I had a date!

That's right! I had a date! I had a date! I had a date! I had a date! I had a daaaaaaate!

...What the hell was I going to wear?

I don't know how long I spent in my room standing around in my boxers deciding what useless pieces of cloth to cover myself with. Daren said he wasn't going to dress up, so I shouldn't wear anything too fancy, right? But then again he did say he didn't have anything nice, so maybe he's just not because he can't and still expects me to...?

I think you should go in a Chippendales outfit, or better yet, naked!

Shut up Rob's Mind; you're not helping.

Even though the week felt slow, now that it was almost time for my date with Daren, it felt like it all went by too fast; I mean, I needed more time to get ready! What time was it? I looked over to my digital alarm clock.

6:25 P.M.

Holy poor time management skills Batman, I needed to hurry!

While I was vigorously searching my wardrobe for the right shirt to wear, my phone, at the time under a pile of haphazardly tossed clothes on my bed, started playing one of its many ringtones:

Tease me, please me, no one needs to know, oh no

Tease me, please me, before I have to go.

Thaaaat was Scott's ringtone. The strange thing was that he usually spent his Saturday nights with his girlfriend, so it was a little unusual to get a call from him at this time of day.

I dug my phone up from under the pile and answered it. "Heya Scott, what's up?"

Scott's voice was as energetic and peppy as always. "Hey, Robby! So, Katie cancelled our plans to go out on short notice, so I'm totally free tonight! I was wondering if you wanted to go see the new Fast and Ferocious movie. I was gonna invite Jaycee and Christy to come too."

Scott pretty much had embarrassing nicknames for all the guys on the football team, and the 'Jaycee' and 'Christy' were for the football team's guards, Jayce and Chris, a wolf and an iguana respectively. Scott was probably the most popular guy on the team, but besides me and Katie, Jayce and Chris were the only ones he cared to hang out with. Which I was fine with, because Jayce and Chris were two pretty cool dudes, even if they were always competing with each other.

"Sorry pal, can't go tonight; I've got plans," I said I made my way back to my wardrobe. Hmm maybe I should wear that blue polo shirt...

Scott snorted. "Wait, you have plans? You know you're not allowed to have plans!" the polar bear said jokingly.

I chuckled. "First time for everything right?" I said as I finally found my favorite pair of light-blue jeans, "Look, I'm actually in a bit of a rush here, so I'll talk to you later."

"Phh, you're no fun. Alright, See you later, Robby," he said as I cut the call and tossed my phone back on my bed. Good thing he didn't ask me about why I was busy; that would've been hard to explain.

I eventually solved my self-instantiated fashion crisis by settling on wearing my favorite pair jeans with a red button-up shirt and a white tie, although I decided not to tuck the shirt in and to leave the top button undone so I didn't look to formal.

Now the only problem left was to grab the keys to Mom's car and sneak out of the house without my parents noticing...

Well don't get me wrong, I did had permission to use the extra car and my parents were awesome and all -they sort of accidentally found out about me being gay (always delete your browser history kids) and were totally understanding about it and all- but they had the tendency to be a little bit... overbearing at times.

I made my way out of my room and down the staircase, stepping as close to the wall to avoid making any creeks, silent... like a ninja. I slowly made my way across the foyer and then pressed my back up against the bend that lead to the living room, and listened in.

Mom and Dad laughing at the TV in the living room, probably drinking wine together too. I quickly peeked my head over for a split second and confirmed that Mom left the keys on the kitchen table in the adjacent kitchen. Okay, so unless I spontaneously acquired the ability to turn invisible, they were definitely going to see me grab the keys no matter how I approached them. I just had to be as inconspicuous as possible when I made my way to them.

I heard Mom start laughing crazily at some joke or the other, so while she was distracted I took the initiative and began making my way to the door to the garage on the other side of the room. Dad wasn't laughing, but I was running short on time

Speaking of my dad, the funny thing about him was that he wasn't actually a panther, but rather a white tiger. Unlike my older sister, I just happened to end up with my mom's panther genes. I did get my dad's auburn hair though, which I was glad about, because most people consider it pretty cool to have hair of a different color than your body fur.

Anyway, my nonchalant 'don't mind me, I'm not doing anything special' walk seemed to be working at first, but right after I snatched the keys, Dad noticed me in my date getup trying to go unnoticed. "Got a hot date tonight, Rob?" he asked with a big, sly grin.

Oh shit; I was really hopping he wouldn't notice. Okay, Rob's Mind, I know you and I don't always agree on things, but I really need your help here!

Query Accepted: Activating Panic Protocol.

Compiling Answer...

Answer found: Deny and/or downplay the true situation.

Right, I just had to be cool, calm-minded, not seem too nervous or conspicuous and come up with a convincing lie.

"I um, uh ah, well uh, you see... uh, no! I'm just um, heading to the uh...Planetarium..." I stammered.

Oh, fuck me in the ass; the Planetarium? The Plane-fucking-tarium?!?! Was that really the best I could come up with? Argh, why did I suck so bad at lying?

Mom's laughter died down and she took notice, gasping in joy when she heard my obvious lie. "Oh my God, my baby's on his first date!" she said gleefully and she ran up to me and started crushing me in her 'iron mom hug of certain doom'.

Objective Failed: restart last save?

If only Rob's Mind, if only...

Mom was practically crushing me with her joyous hug. "Mom, you're squeezing me way too tight!" I croaked.

"Oh, sorry about that, dear," she said as she let go and allowed to me breathe once more.

I nearly doubled over and started gasping for air. I was more or less fine, but when I looked up, oh no, Mom had that smile on her muzzle again. Oh shit.

"Come one Rob, tell me, tell me: are you planning on, maybe... bumping nasties after the date?"

I furrowed my brows. "Mom, I don't know what that means."

She was still giving me that unnerving grin..."You know, are you going to be playing bury the weasel tonight?"

I still didn't understand. "Huh?!" was all I could manage to say.

Mom gave me a pretend pouting face. "Ohcome on, you know exactly what I'm talking about: knocking boots, getting a grease and oil change, feeding the kitty, having a Hershey highway snowplow, exploring the map of Tasmania, riding the skin bus to chocolate town?"

"What are you talking about?!" I said, more than a little confused.

"Are you going to be fucking or not?" she blurted out.

"What?!" I shouted, completely dumfounded at her forward question.

Dad got up from the sofa. "Why are you even asking Ellie? Of course he is! How could anyone resist such a fine-looking young man! Why, I'd say Rob's almost as good looking as I was when I was his age!"

Did I say a 'little' overbearing? I meant 'What the fuck is you guys' problem?!?!' overbearing.

Dad started talking in his 'I'm the man of the house and I know-it-all' voice and stuck an index finger up in the air for emphasis. "Just remember son: if you're going to be fucking tonight then just make sure that you're not the one on the receiving end. You're a Hamilton, and Hamiltons are always the one on top!"

Oh God, kill me now.

"Daaaad," I whined embarrassed as all hell.

Mom gave Dad an offended glare. "Edward! Don't be hating on tail-raisers now!" Did I mention Mom likes to talk like she's 'in the now'? I don't think I mentioned that. "Rob has a very nice ass, and if he wants a dick pounding it raw then that's his choice!" she stated matter-of-factly.

Where was that incredibly convenient blessing of death I asked for, God?

"Moooom!" I groaned.

Mom went over to the counter. "But if you do plan on doing some 'fanny lancing' tonight Rob, just make sure you use these," Mom said as he handed me an unfamiliar looking package and bottle. I read the labels.

...She just handed me a package of condoms and a bottle of lube. NOPE. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, all of my nope. But seriously though, I wasn't sure what was worse, the fact that I got them from my mom, or that she pulled them out of her purse.

I felt sick. "I-I think I'm just going to leave now." I said as I began walking over to the garage, utterly defeated and humiliated.

"Bye son! Make me proud!" Dad said with a grin and a thumbs up.

Mom starting waving goodbye energetically. "Yeah, and I want to hear all the dirty details when you get back!" I heard her say as I entered the garage, wasting no time taking off and getting the fuck out of there.

I was so happy to get out of the house that it wasn't until I backed the car out of the garage and started driving that I realized I took the condoms and the lube with me.

Phh, I should have just given them back when Mom gave them to me. I wasn't going to need them.

...Right?