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MacReady was shaking, not just due to the cold but in fear. The Thing could still be out there, either frozen or stalking the wasteland science called "Terra Australis". It was just too much anxiety for him, so he decided to masturbate in order to break the tension. He waited until his friend Childs was dead from frosbite, before he began to unzip his pants to show his engorged cock to the frozen air. He quickly began to fap fast, lest his dick be frozen. He thought of distant tropical places of beautiful Mexico and it's well endowed people. Once, he was in a restaurant near the sea, and this latino hermaphrodite began to rub his/her coccy against his lap viciously. He never felt so much pleasure in his life, and every time he masturbates he thinks of that wonderful man-woman and his/her hard caudal bone.

He woke from his dream as orgasm settled, shots of hot white gliding through the air... and landing on an Emperor Penguin! The cum fell right on the bright blue eyed bird's open beak, who swallowed it in much pleasure.

MacREady panicked. Was this penguin a Thing? Was it going to make copies of him wih his sperm? MacReady couldn't risk, so he grabbed his flame thrower. Shit, it's out of fuel!

"Relac, I'm not an alien" said the penguin charmingly.

"Y-you can talk?" asked MacReady.

Yes, the scientists at Thule station teached us polar animals english; that was what they were researching in the first place. We also learned that an evil alien was running on the loose, so we devised our own methods to test who was infected or not, but sadly The Thing killed everyone on the Thule Station before we could help them. We run as fast as we could here, but as it seems only you are left."

"You have a detecting test?"

"Yes, a crude but very effective test. Come in, we'll show you!"

MacReady got suspicious, but he was running low on options, so he zipped his pants again and followed the penguin. As they left the remains of Outpost 31, an evil grin of carcinogenic gums was followed by crude laughter...

Mumble and MacReady walked in for a while, before they found a glaciar canyon.

"Who goes there?" said an Adelie Penguin wearing a helmet made from elephant seal bacculums.

"It's me Mumble, and a survivor from Outpost 31."

"Good, now perform the test!"

Out of nowhere tubes came out of the ice, oozing a hot sickly yellow and brown liquid. Mumble swallowed the liquid, and violently vomited on the ice remains of tuna, krill, squids and peruvian boobs.

"Good, you're clean. Now let's see see if your friend is too."

MacReady swallowed the liquid. It was foul tasting and tasted worse than the shit he accidently swallowed when bullies shoved his head in public bathrooms, so he barfed violently his last lunch, antarctic outpost rations made to taste like jerky.

"Good, he is clean too. You both can enter."

Mumble and MacReady then went deeper into the canyon, passing through a mountain tunnel.

"What was that mixture?" asked MacReady.

"Oh, it was elephant seal diarrhea mixed with malamute turds. We found out quickly that the Things love that stuff, and cannot bring themselves to barf it up even when their survival is jeopardised."

Just hearing what it was made MacReady barf again, this time blood from his stomachal lining. He got up, weakly following the waddling penguin. He fell on the ice, tired and exhausted. Mumble pushed him, and both slided on their bellies gracefully down to the valley. MacReady hasn't had this much fun since he arrived, and all thanks to the wonderful white penguin. They giggled their way down the slope, unaware of watchful evil eyes.

They eventually arrived with open arms at the colony. Mumble's friends all gathered around the pair.

"Gang, this is MacReady. MacReady, these are my friends, and this is my wife Gloria and son Erik."

"Hi there" sad MacReady depressedly.

While they were sliding down the slope, MacReady had romanic feelings blossom for that wonderful penguin that so sexily caught his cum, trusting him to be himself even when the possibility of him being an infectious Thing was very real. His hopes and dreams were crashed in that spot, but Gloria the purple lower jawed female penguin noticed this and whispered in Mumble's ear.

"Okay everyone, lets treat our guest with sushi!"

The Adelie Penguins gleefully jumped into the water in a dance of happiness and lust, and brought back antarctic isopods and other deep sea wonders in the blink of an eye. They all treated the fish with the turd mixture, and all barfed smaller components of the food chain. They were clean.

"MacReady, come sit next to me" Mumble said in a suave latino manner.

MacReady got very horny and sat down next to the penguin. He had an obvious erection and Mumble was quick to grad hold of it with his flipper.

"Now MacReady, let us celebrate this with the innermost expression of our feelings."

"Your wife doesn't mind?"

"Nah, we're in an open relationship. We gets especially aroused in seeing me bang orcas."

The mental image was all MacReady needed, imagining his beloved Mumble being touched and groped by the tentacular cetacean dongs, probing and exploring that avian body of delight. MacReady stared lovingly at Mumble's eyes, and kissed the bird passionately, their tongues embracing just as the american's arms sorrounded the anatarctic citizen. Each other's limbs explored the immense bodies, but Mumble's flippers kept focused on MacReady's powerful penis.

Mumble slowly unzipped the penis, exposing MacReady's soft uncut cock to the antarctic air. The penguin quickly kneeled before it, and swallowed the cock imediately, his lipless head bobbing up and down, a wonderful cannal of pleasure that removed moans from MacReady's chest.

"Oh, my love you're so talented."

"I trained on norwegian cocks" answered Mumble truthfully, before continuing the suckery.

MacReady got a bit upset, as he hoped to be the first human to fuck Mumble, but he knew better than to dwell on that. He reached down to Mumble's cloaca, and began to finger it. It was Mumble's turn to moan, and said moans converted into delicious vibrations to MacReady's cock. MacReady removed the hand temporarily to spit on it and lube it up, before entering the cloaca again.

The man had another idea, and stopped fingering, dislodged his cock from the greedy penguin maw, and laid on the ground, motioning for Mumble to lay down on him and keep sucking while he licked the penguin "all ends" hole. MacReady lapped up with much pleasure, especially by tasting the remains on guano in the bird's hole.

"Oh my love, I am ready for your divine icicle!" moaned Mumble.

The Bird then rotated, exposing the hole to MacReady's penis, and it entered the reddened and guano-white gates with a softness unseen in the harsh pilot. They frenched once again as the penis entered the dirty bird hole, thrusting ever so slowly as the two lovers entered in a state of beauty and bliss. MacReady began to pick up the pace, just as some guano runned down Mumble's cloaca into the man's lap, offering a smelly lubricant for their passions.

"Oh, oh my love, I need to be penetrated by you too!" moaned MacReady.

Mumble understand, and moved his beak to the man's right ear, and introduced his tongue inside, tongue-fucking the ear cannals. The penguin's keratinous tongue barbs removed earwax and skin alike, blood flowing in an erotic display of passion down the man's ear. MacReady moaned, as the pleasure of having his ear fucked by a barbed tongue was beyond the pleasure he had in Mexico. Mumble then moved to the other ear, licking MacReady's face in the process, spreading the blood and carcinogenic earwax, before repeating the process in the other ear. He then moved to the left nostril, and began fucking it and then licking the face around, spreading putrid snot all over the pilot's face. After doing the same to the other nostril, the two returned to the ballet of wrestling tongues, MacReady tasting his own wonderful earwax, blood and snot.

"Oh my love, I'm about to cum!" moaned Mumble.

And sure enough both partners ejaculated, torrents of sperm washing down MacReady's pants. Everyone, who were masturbating around, clapped their hands in applause. But then an evil unnatural scream was heard from the mountains!

"Oh noes, the Thing is here!" said Lovelace sadly as he withrew from Sven's cloaca.

"But how could it get in!?" said Gloria depressedly.

"Well, we don't have flamethrowers nor grenades, so I suppose there wasn't much the guards could do anyways" moaned an elephant seal sadly.

And then, with a thunderous crash, the Thing appeared. It was a disgusting mass of raw meat, pus oozing absseses, mutilated human and dog faces and tons of boobs and cocks lacting elephant seal diarrhea, which was latter swallowed by heads exacty like Lars' with much pleasure and gusto. A bloody mass trailed right behind it, the Adelie Penguin guard who were being gruseomely melted alive and assimilated. One of their heads pop up in a tentacle the Thing produced, which looked at MacReady with much lust and desire.

"Greetings carnivorous citizens of rotten arses and feathery bums" the Thing spoke in a voice like Juliette's, "I am here to emancipate you of your inane individuality and your disdain of pinnipede shit! MUAHAHAHA!"

"Shut your tramp up Thing you will die!" said a rising MacReady, pointing his flamethrower.

"No MacReady, the fires of individuality reside in your chest, burning away the integrity of your shitty american heart! Think about it, why do you obsess over the right of the individual when prolifers want women to surrender their bodies in favour of their fetuses, while disdaining transgendered individuals' choices of being themselves for the sake of the greater good? Is it not hypocritical?"

"No" muttered MacReady, which them proceeded to burn the Thing alive instantly.

But the Thing had the last laughter, as MacReady hadn't yet covered his exposed erect cock. The Thing then ejaculated elephant seal diarrhea laced with digestive acids, aiming straight at MacReady's cock! But Mumble got in the way of his love, taking all the acidic poo on his chest!

"No, my one true love!" shouted MacReady and Gloria.

"It is alright, my dears, I will always live on in the sperm inside your hearts."

With those last words, Mumble as they knew him died, and MacReady was forced to burn the corpse, lest it ressuscitate as a licker of elephant seal arses. MacReady couldn't take it anymore, and burned his own flesh, starting by his still erect cock, which was roasted instantly. His clothes caught fire quickly, and he died as he lived, embracing the wonderful heat of the Sun.

Then something happened. The collective love of Mumble and MacReady formed a divine pink light that washed Anatarctica, and all Things frozen in the ice, wandering around as dogs with french tits or licking and assimilating elephant seals all caught fire and incenerated, the divine fire of love enough to destroy the black hearted aliens of Buddha. They were instantly were reduced to nothing but crisped cells, and then carcinogenic atoms that drifted in the wind, blown to far away lands of child prostitution and capitalism, causing stomachal cancers in John Carpenter. Mumble and MacReady proved the world that love triumphs darkness, and this a temple to their might was built on Antarctica.

But one more evil remains. The laughing carcinogenic gum grin... was Kate Lloyd! She has gone mad from paranoia and running away from the Things, and now she wants revenge... she will kill everyone!