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Written By Vexen

Have you ever felt it was absolutely necessary to do something that would get you into a medium amount of trouble, like annoying the staying power out of a parasitic con artist? Often your children will know if a temporary resident is a con artist because con artists are not involved in their act twenty-four seven, they are just that way around the people they are conning and often when the adults are out of sight the children get to witness the cockroach within. If you happen to be the child in a house with the con artist or anyone who does not have much authority you can use the power of annoyance to run them off and the power of distraction to get yourself out of trouble. This works best if the person you are trying to avoid conflict with has attention deficit disorder or often indulges in theinhalation of marijuana, those are the best candidates. But distraction can work on just about anyone, it just depends on the person. Being extremely irritating to someone all day throughout the day can run just about anybody off, but if the authority figure or parent finds out or is there to witness it, they are often not too happy about it so you have to make sure you do not get yourself kicked out in the process. It was a hot day in June and I was a couple of months past the age of ten. The wind was blowing lightly but it provided no relief because it felt like a giant blow dryer was being pointed at me, I felt like a little crab louse on Pam Anderson's head being coated in heated sweat and styled. I was hiding in a patch of grass in the woods behind my house because my Uncle Skotty was in a drunken rage over me throwing an enormous cat on his face while he was sleeping because he had tried to run me over with his crappy green Honda motorcycle because I ate the last package of ramen noodles in MY house. I had every right to eat the damn noodles! I could have told on him but I knew if I did he would tell on me for eating all of the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms. I had already been in the woods for 2 or 3 hours and Skotty had calmed down. I would have been out playing my favorite game of "Throw Plastic Water Bottles In The Road And When A Car Comes By As It Ran It Over Then Pretend I Am Being Shot With A Machine Gun" but tattletale butthole Skotty told on me a week before and my Dad gave me a spanking and threatened to sell me to Mexicans. My Uncle Skotty was a heavily scarred alcoholic felon who had been in and out of jail so many times even he had lost count. His face was torn apart in 1994 when he was driving his mother's Camero 95 miles per hour on his way to kill her for not giving him drug money and he wrecked into a giant tree, the doctors had done a good job putting his face and bones back together but he was heavily scarred, his face looked like a sewn together puzzle. He was twenty-eight and had never had his own place, instead he would rig his vehicles to fall apart in whoever's yard he felt like staying at and would ask if he could crash on their couch until he could get his vehicle fixed. Weeks would turn into months and one sob story would lead to the next until he would get caught stealing whatever valuables they had that he could pawn for booze, then immediately after getting kicked out and sometimes beaten his vehicle would "magically" be fixed in minutes. He was an expert con artist always moving from one house to the next. Skotty was related to me on my Mother's side so my Dad did not get any warning of Skotty's superior conning abilities. My Dad and my Mother were from two completely different worlds and almost never talked. When I had tried to warn Dad about what I was told about Skotty he just blew it off saying my Mom "said a lot of shit". Now I do not hate Skotty or anything he just does irritating things and had really screwed some of my close family members over, and I do not enjoy his company much when he is drunk, which is constantly. I was very hungry because the cat tossing had occurred before I had the chance to eat breakfast, so I began to walk back to my house to try and sneak something to eat before my parents got home. I did not want to be in the house while Skotty was telling on me because then the jerk would be able to witness my punishment and tease me about it for days. My house was the strangest house in our quiet little country neighborhood, It was a big white house with almost all of the windows either spray painted black to keep people from trying to peek or boarded up to keep the wind out during the winter. There was one large window that looked out into our front yard that was always kept clean so my Dad could keep an eye out on my violent sisters. The outside of our house on all sides was covered in muddy hand prints and almost tribal like mud drawings. When I got to the front door of my house I peeked through the broken screen door to make sure Skotty was not waiting for me with a rubber band or a cup of pee to throw on me. The screen door was broken from when I had accidentally ran through it trying to escape Skotty a week before. Skotty knew better than to hit any of Dad's kids because Dad would tear his head off, so he would chase us down and spit on us, pop us with rubber bands, pour something gross on our heads, or bend our fingers. None of those things are a positive experience. I did not see Skotty until I got in the living room he was passed out on a brown recliner his eyes halfway open and his face contorted in boozy relaxation. He was snoring very loudly, and his many swastika and demon tattoos glowed eerily in the dim light of cheap light bulbs. When I got closer I noticed our new jumbo bag of bread was spilled at his feet. I immediately forgot all about my hunger and decided to put the wasted bread to good use. I quietly and carefully picked up all the bread and laid each and every piece all over him until he was completely covered with it. I then stood back and admired my work. "I dare ya to put tha cat on him" a voice said. It was my stepbrother. In all my bread induced excitement I had failed to notice him standing in the kitchen with a blue popsicle mustache eating a blue popsicle. "Where is he?!" I whispered excitedly, then he pointed to my Dad's 1972 Panhead Harley in the far right corner of the living room. The cat was sitting on the seat of the motorcycle licking himself. I tiptoed over to the big red tomcat and lifted him up with both arms and stood in front of Skotty. My stepbrother grinned, his teeth bright blue and I was shaking with adrenaline and joy at the impending hilarity. The room was dead silent except for the 5 foot long escaped iguana that lived in our basement scurrying around. 1...2...3! I tossed the cat from about a foot away as gently as possible and he immediately propelled himself off of Skotty's chest and ran out the door to go lick himself on the roof. There was a loud crash, somehow Skotty had managed to make the recliner fall backwards, as he flailed around screaming and cursing out to black people and God, bread was flying everywhere, some even got stuck on the ceiling fan. My stepbrother ran screaming through the kitchen and out the window and I ran laughing hysterically out the door and into the woods. When I got to an area in the woods where I could not easily be seen I fell down gasping for breath. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe, in fact I am still laughing. The "Breadening of Un-cool Skotty" was one of the funniest things I had ever seen, and every time I think about it for some reason the Mortal Kombat theme song gets stuck in my head and it makes me laugh for about 15 minutes, but that probably has a lot to do with the chemical imbalance in my brain. After about 3 minutes of gasping for air and rolling around I heard a series of loud sounds coming from my house, I crawled over to a large patch of grass Vietnam soldier style and looked at what was causing the racket. Skotty was throwing my bicycle against the wall of my house over and over while screaming and cursing so loudly it sounded kind of like a different language, it was the tantrum of the century and it was just what I had hoped for. I began to laugh so hard it was making me cry but my laughter was cut short when I noticed my Dad's blue and brown minivan pulling into the driveway. I knew Skotty was going to tell on me and I was going to get locked in my room for the rest of the day so I thought quickly and took off running to the nearest mud puddle and began to roll in it and rub it all over my face and hair, thinking that no one could send me to my room if I were covered in mud. After a couple of minutes of joyous rolling I heard my Dad yell for me and I began to panic, he was using his mad to the max voice and it was at that point I realized that maybe getting in the mud was not such a great plan. I leaped from the puddle and began to take my time walking home trying desperately to think of something to save me from the butt paddling that probably killed the dinosaurs. I stopped by the fence surrounding the front yard and that is when I noticed an epic little kid battle about to start. "Brook It's MY turn ta swiiiing!" My cousin Haley screamed. "Shut Up! You eat poop! Puke me a river!" said my sister Brook. Brook was 17 at the time with wild curly blonde hair and blue eyes and Haley was 7 with straight golden hair and green eyes and they were always getting into super entertaining and brutal fights. The swing they were arguing over was crudely tied to a branch on a huge persimmon tree in our front yard and was hanging over a 6 inch deep mud pit. Haley got on her little pink tricycle and put it in the deepest part of the mud pit and began to peddle at top speed causing mud to spray all over Brook's face. Brook screamed at the top of her lungs and swung herself at Haley, kicking her off of the tricycle and into the mud. Haley immediately leapt up and grabbed Brook by the hair and began to run around and around the tree taking Brook with her, trying to pull her off of the swing. But Brook held on tight, and when Haley ran out of rope she let go causing the swing to spin around violently throwing Brook off and face first into the mud. The entire time this was happening they were both screaming as loud as they could and it sounded like a bag of wet cats being thrown onto a trampoline. My Dad came running outside to whoop my sister's when all of the sudden Lunar our wolf husky mix and Redbone, our pit-bull Labrador golden retriever mix, came out of nowhere and began fighting right next to my sisters and my Dad jumped over our fence and grabbed both dogs by the collar and pried them apart causing Redbone to bite Dad's hand. "C***SUCKER!!" Dad bellowed and tossed Redbone over the 4foot tall fence. The tossing of the naughty dog was an amazing thing to witness, because Redbone was not a small dog and the fence was about 6 feet away and Dad only used one arm to do it. Dad looked around and noticed the neighbors and people driving slowly down the road staring I don't blame them because seeing a 6 foot 2 man covered in Nazi and dragon tattoos with Sideshow Bob hair throw a 40 pound dog over a fence while two cute little girls choke each other in a large mud puddle was quite a sight to see. "What are ya'll lookin' at ya bunch of peckerheads?! Waitin' for me to take off my top?! I'll kill ya!" he shouted angrily. The people driving immediately sped away and the neighbors laughed. Dad was always yelling creative insults and shouting death threats so the neighbors did not mind too much. I was trying as hard as I could not to laugh. "Vexen ya little bastard! Go wash that shit off and make some hamburger helper!" Dad yelled. Through all the wondrous chaos Dad had forgotten all about Skotty's feline and bread induced rage, and it was a that golden moment that I realized distraction could considerably lighten the blow of punishment after I had done something terribly irritating. I used this discovery to my advantage and with the help of my stepbrother distracting my parents and my talent for doing super annoying things I was able to rid our house of the con artist Skotty in about two weeks. Children can be a valuable source of repellent when you have a family member who just cannot seem to get the hint that they are not particularly welcome, because no one really wants to be the "jerk" who turns the coach over and screams "GET OUT!" at the "poor down on his luck just needed a place to stay a couple of days with his loving family" con house guest. And if they leave on their own free will they cannot get people to feel sorry for them and maybe get a damn apartment or something. I got the impossibly entertaining job of being that repellent and through the power of distraction I got away with it seventy percent of the time. And over the years I have benefitted greatly through the power of distraction quite a bit in moments of impending personal distress. And about 6 months ago Skotty convinced his sister which is also my Mother to let him stay at her place and was huffing paint thinner on the porch and having seizures, stealing Mom's aluminum, trying to fist fight my friend Daniel and tried to kill me by taking my wooden bat to my head over and over again. so I used my severely irritating male opera singing and my Mom's giant stereo and Beatles CD's to drive him away in a week. So it is not just children that can annoy away unwanted guests, anyone can do it if they know how to be insufferable.