Gortoz 'A Ran - Ch 33 - "My sense of humour..."
#34 of Gortoz 'A Ran
'Wake up, sleepyhead, breakfast is ready!' 'Mwhuh....' 'Come on, get up! We've got so much to do today!'
I'll never get used to that sweet tone of Catherine's voice so early in the morning, especially on a Saturday morning... It's like an angel is entering your room with a stadium horn... Normally, she'd let me sleep in on a Saturday morning except when there were things to be done around the house. Simon had his birthday party coming up that Saturday and the whole family would come over so we had to clean the house, do the groceries and all that. Staying in bed and pretending to be asleep wouldn't work with her. She once tossed a cold wet washing cloth on my face when I just couldn't get myself out of bed and well, that's even worse to wake up from. So reluctantly, I got out of bed... 'Your room is such a mess, there are clothes everywhere!' 'I know, I know... I'll clean my room today...' 'Does that need to be washed?' 'Yeah...'
Once I put a long t-shirt on, Catherine tried to get to my clothes that were lying in the corner collecting dust, to place them in her laundry basket. I actually found it quite amazing that she could distinguish my clean and dirty laundry, not even I was able to. I normally don't let it come this far and I normally clean my room every month but uh... I was a little too busy with my boyfriend and everything that I just totally didn't had any time for that... Once Catherine placed all of the dirty laundry in the basket, she carefully tried to make her way out of my room but the moment she turned around, her basket bumped into my wardrobe and I saw in the mirror that Catherine noticed a bra sticking out of the drawer... Being the clean and tidy neat-freak that she is, Catherine couldn't resist to open the drawer and placed the bra in it but stopped for a moment while looking a little surprised... I wasn't paying much attention to her as I started to fold some clothes when all of a sudden, I heard her gasp... Being so sleepy so early in the morning didn't make me realize what was happening. But then I saw what she was looking at and all of a sudden, I was wide awake... "Holy fuck!! I told you that you should've kept it in the box under your bed!! Oh my god...!!" Catherine and I looked at each other a little uneasy to say the least... What did I had to tell her, that it wasn't mine...? Yeah right... They always make it seem hilarious in the movies but it's very embarrassing when a parent finds a sex-toy... Especially a twenty centimetre transparent silicone dildo... And out of pure embarrassment, I tried to sneak out of the room but you know, that's not really an option... 'Ceylan...?' "Damn..." 'Yes...?' 'What's this doing in your drawer...?' 'Uhm... Lying dormant...?' 'I'm sorry, I'm just a little surprised, that's all... Why'd you never tell me...?' 'U-Uh... Well, it's uh... not exactly a topic you bring up every day, is it...?' 'No, it isn't...' 'Which... is why I didn't tell you...'
Catherine carefully closed the drawer and sat down on my bed. It wasn't the first time she caught me in a quite embarrassing situation but she seemed to know how to deal with these kind of things. I, on the other hand, wasn't used to it at all... 'I see you growing into such a beautiful young woman and yet I have the feeling as if I'm missing out on everything... You know you can talk to me about everything, Ceylan, you know you can...' 'I know, it's just... It's just a touchy subject for me and I just don't really like to talk about it... And... I feel as if I have to discover everything on my own...' 'You don't have to, you know...' 'Heh...' 'Are there... certain questions you'd like to ask me or...?' 'Uh... I-I know how it works so, uh...' 'I'm not talking about that, sweetheart... Did you already slept with Terry...?' 'Uh, n-no... No, I haven't... Look, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I-I really don't like this conversation... Things are difficult enough as it is and I'll be fine... Trust me...' 'Difficult...? What do you mean?' 'Uh... I-I, uhm...' 'Is it difficult for you to be intimate with Terry....?' 'Yeah...' I uttered quietly...
Something in her eyes told me that she always wanted to be a part of it. To have influence on my decisions in life. But my grandmother fulfilled that role instead... I had no secrets for my grandmother. She was the only one who knew I was bi-sexual at the time and accepted it. But somewhere, deep down inside, I just knew that Catherine would never accept it if I told her I've been in love with girls and actually had relationships and slept with them before... And maybe it's because of the fact that Catherine and I couldn'talways get along in the past that refrained me from talking to her about a lot of things... And even though Catherine's not my real mother, I realized she always happily took that role despite all the horrible things I've said and done in the past to her... And all of a sudden, I felt miserable for realizing I've been with Simon and Catherine for ten years and yet I hardly knew her. I wasn't able to tell if I avoided her on purpose or if I really do wanted to get to know her. And if I did, why would I do such a horrible thing to a wonderful lady like her...? I believe my real mother was the answer to that question... Just because Catherine was more than willing to take on a mothers role for me didn't meant I had to accept that... Because I felt that neither Simon or Catherine were ever able to take their places. And even though Simon said to me a long time ago that they weren't trying to replace my parents, I still wasn't able to call them "mom and dad"... But now, things were different... I'm older now, finally being able to comprehend things I couldn't in the past... Catherine was missing out on everything because I didn't talk to her about my personal things... She saw me growing up and yet felt as if she wasn't a part of it... Things like my first love, first time having sex, having questions about being in heat and pretty much everything a mother discusses with her daughter when she's a teen. I think Catherine wanted to be more involved in that... And I bet she could imagine herself having a really close bond with her daughter... I think it would've been the case with Kaelyn, her real daughter she lost her at birth... And even after so many years, Catherine was still struck with sorrow over her loss and saw me as a daughter while I always blocked her out... That day, I realized I was denying Catherine everything she ever wanted... Just to have a close mother/daughter bond with me... All these years, she accepted the fact that our bond wasn't as close as she wanted it to be and I realized I couldn't have hurt her more by denying her to... I wanted to walk away but the moment I took the first step, I saw the look in her eyes, as if she was trying to say "Please, talk to me... Anything..." So I sat down next to her while she caressed my hair and scratched behind my ear, like she did when I was young... And to be honest, I needed someone to talk to about it... Someone with a total different perspective on things in order to find the answers I needed for myself... 'Why is it so difficult for you...?' 'I-I, uh... Heh... I just don't feel comfortable with it, you know...? Ever since that "thing" happened with Blain a long time ago, I became really confused... And now that I have a relationship with Terry only makes it more difficult for me...' 'Why is that?' 'Because I know he wants to... And I'm still not sure, which... is why I bought that "thing" in an attempt to find out what I really like and... not to ask any questions and to see if I can enjoy it...' 'To just have a safe environment to experiment it with yourself...?' 'Yes, basically...' 'There's nothing bad about that, Ceylan... I think everyone wants to have something like that...' 'Heh...' 'Was there ever a male in your life before...?' 'No, just Blain but we never had a relationship... It's just so different with Terry and that's why I'm so confused... And I just don't think I'll ever be able to take that step with him...' 'Does Terry know?' 'Yeah, he does. I want to take the next step with him but...' 'But...?' 'It's just taking so damn long...' 'For Terry...?' 'Yes...! And for me...'
It stayed silent for a moment as I could see that Catherine was thinking. She didn't stop caressing my hair and quite honestly, I didn't think she would be able to give me any advice... To say something that made me feel better... I think Catherine had the idea that sex was difficult for me because of what happened long ago... When I had sex with Blain at a very early age, they all thought that something happened during the war that made me act like that... That it made me associate sex with love and attention... Of course, I've always kept my mouth shut and all the more reason for them to believe that I was sexually abused during the war... I believed that Catherine wanted to help me with that, now that I was older and able to understand things better... To help me have a stable, healthy love and sex life without being scared and to have my doubts... Catherine would do anything she could... 'Sweetheart... Is this what has been bothering you for so long?' 'Yeah...' 'It's very important to talk to Terry about this. It's important for him to know where you draw the line.' 'That's the thing, he already knows... I did everything I could for myself to sort things out and now I've reached a point where I just don't know what the next step would be... If I'd know, I'd ask myself "how"... And even if I know what and how, I'd ask myself when... And then it all starts over again, like I'm in an infinite loop...' 'I see...' 'So... Yeah...' 'Have you ever taken the time to "get to know each other" a little better...?' 'What do you mean?' 'Exploring each other a little more...?' 'I don't understand...' 'Do you feel comfortable being nude in his presence...?' 'I-I uh... I haven't been...' 'Would he feel comfortable being nude in your presence? These kind of questions are important to know the answers to.' 'Y-Yeah but that's the thing...! I-I mean, Terry's been with so many girls before and I just got... like... zero experience...' 'Does it make you feel you're not good enough for him...?' 'It does... I just want to have fun and enjoy it with him...' 'You make it sound like it's impossible for you to enjoy it...' 'I'm starting to think that it is, yeah...' 'Hehe...' 'How'd you do it...?' 'Hm?' 'I mean... Can I ask how your first time was...?' I asked quietly...
She looked a little uneasy to say the least while Catherine nervously giggled. I think she'd expect a question like that and she stared out the window, not facing me... 'Well... Good... Hihi...' 'How did you... Well, you know...' 'Found out what I like...?' 'Yeah?' 'It's not really so difficult as you might think it is. It's up to you to decide if you're going to find out by yourself or together with him. That's what I did back then with my boyfriend. Trust, love and communication are the keys to find out.' 'I know...' 'There's no need to rush it, sweetheart. You've got all the time in the world. Once you've made that first step, more will follow and then you'll know what's right...' 'Heh...'
Catherine looked back at me and smiled as it stayed silent for a moment once more. She caressed my hair once again and looked at me with a weak smile on her face... Looking back at her made me realize I had so many other questions for her... And if she ever went through these insecurities as well... 'Catherine...?' 'Yes...?' 'Did you ever felt like this...?' 'Yes, of course I did... But I had no one to talk to... My mother thought it was indecent to have such conversations and I don't want my daughter to go through the same... Every girl feels about it like this, Ceylan... Some start to discover at an early age and some are older when they do. It's nothing to be ashamed about... It only shows that you're thinking things through and not act on impulsive behaviour...' 'But you can overdo it...' 'Yes, hihi... I know you're not like that. I know you wouldn't give yourself to anyone so easily...' 'Heh... I wonder what Terry would say if he heard our conversation...' 'You don't think Terry wouldn't be nervous if anything happened between the two of you...?' 'No, not really...' 'What makes you say that?' 'Because Terry seems really confident about it...' 'Or maybe he tries to be confident to hide the fact that he's nervous about it as well, like you are...' 'No, I don't really think that would be the case with him...' 'Are you sure...? Males tend to be nervous as well, you know. They just don't try to show that they are sometimes.' 'You really think so...?' 'I know so...' 'Heh...' 'Sex is different for males than for females, Ceylan. But that doesn't mean a male can't be nervous as well. All the more reason to talk about it, to take away the doubts and hesitations for each other...' 'Yeah, I see... So... When exactly do you know when it's right to take the first step...? I mean... I don't wanna go "full speed ahead", if you know what I mean...' 'And you don't have to. Foreplay is a great way to be intimate with each other when you don't feel ready to go "all the way" with him...' 'How do I do that...? I-I mean...' 'With a good sense of humour...' Catherine answered with a smile...
Humour? What? Why the hell should there be any humour involved? This is something dead serious... How the hell can anyone expect to laugh their asses off when their doing it with each other? Unless you've got a very ticklish cunt, I didn't see the reason why and the answer she gave me was something I considered to be ridiculous... Until she explained... 'Humour...?' 'Yes, humour...' 'I-I don't understand, I mean...' 'When there's humour involved, you are relaxed. It takes the tensions away and you would feel comfortable around each other. You'd be surprised how well it works... Hihi...' 'Ooooh, okay... Well, you know, it does make sense...' 'Hm-mm...' 'You think Terry would mind if I ask him any questions about it...?' 'Of course not, sweetheart... That would be only for the best for the both of you. You'll be fine...' 'Heh...' 'You are so caught up with all of your worries that you seem to forget the most important.' 'What's that...?' 'To just have fun together... That's all...' 'I see...' 'Heh...' 'Cath...?' 'Yes...?' 'What if Terry doesn't like my "sense of humour"...?' 'Then make sure that he'll make you laugh instead...' she said with a smile again...
Catherine was right... I was worrying about things way too much again... Wondering if I would ever be good enough for him and if he could ever enjoy it with me. I always thought that sex had to be something serious but how's it even possible to enjoy it when you're not having fun...? I didn't had an answer to that... And for the first time ever, I felt that Catherine's logic seemed to be undeniable... Her mother didn't talk to Catherine about sex because she thought it was indecent to have such conversations and all the feelings I felt were things she felt as well when Catherine was my age... She didn't want me to go through that but that's something I chose for... All the worries I've had about it just seemed to disappear in thin air... And for the first time ever, I started to see things differently, thanks to Catherine... Whether it was intentional or not, she was, in fact, part of my decisions in life...
Catherine and I talked for about two hours, just about sex... Once the ice was broken, I fired question after question and she answered all of them in a way I was able to understand. She shared her experiences, even though I could tell that she was feeling quite embarrassed sometimes but that always seemed to go away when humour was involved... And now I saw what she meant with that... Being able to joke and laugh makes it easier to talk about this particular subject... It's not easy for someone to share their personal experiences, especially when it comes to sex... Catherine was giggling a lot when I asked her certain questions about it... Talking to her about it started to feel natural... I never imagined that I was able to have such a conversation with her while I never knew why... Catherine became a part of my life... The more we had these kind of talks, the more I started to understand... Slowly, all the pieces of the puzzle fell in place for me... And at some point, I had all the answers I needed... But I figured that there was just one more thing I had to do...