The Birth of My Toyota
Merida: Mom, I want a car.
Mom: We have a car at home.
Car at Home:
"But Mom," complained Merida, "I want one of those new Toyota Corolla Hatchback 2024 Nightshades, with those fine modern sculpted body lines and the 169 horsepower engine...
...woo, Let's Go Places."
Merida's mom looked at her skeptically.
"Well, if you want a car, you're going to give birth to it yourself."
At first, Merida wasn't sure if that's how cars were made, but then again she'd just recently learned how babies were made, and she'd have never guessed in a million years that that's how that worked, so what did she know?
And she was a big girl now, she could do whatever she wanted, as was decreed in article 67 of the Post-Pubescent Chicken Law.
So Merida did what any young hen who wanted a new Toyota Corolla Hatchback 2024 would do, she called over her boyfriend, a handsome jockerel named Miguel.
(And also her best friend Melinda, but that's irrelevant, because she was wrapped up in a ceramics project and could only show up via FaceTime. A very spotty FaceTime connection.)
Problem is, Miguel was just as clueless about how cars were made as Merida.
"I suppose," he pondered, "Sometimes when a hen gets overly excited, she'll lay an egg, perhaps the same works with cars."
You can't blame Miguel for not trying, he wanted to see his chick driving around in one of those 2024 Corollas as much as she did.
And this all seemed fairly logical, because Melinda started to get all excited over the phone, "So if you get Merida hyped up for her new Toyota Corolla Nightshade, she should lay one!"
"Oh yes!" Merida squealed, hopping up and down on her bed, then the two hens squealed together with excitement.
Miguel cocked his head, "It's worth a shot."
Merida plopped on the edge of her bed, ready with anticipation.
"Tell me."
Miguel took a deep breath, preparing himself for the most heartfelt words that would ever come out of his mouth.
"Imagine yourself, just a few short days from now, rolling up to school in your very own Toyota Corolla 2024 Nightshade."
Merida felt a shiver run up her spine.
"Go on."
"And maybe that sleek outer-r-..." Melinda started, before her connection broke up ending whatever she had to say.
Miguel looked back at Merida, "Close your eyes and listen... listen to the sound of those bronze finished 18-inch alloy wheels crackling along the gravel, the rev of that 2-liter, four cylinder engine beneath your body, that aggressive front grill and those luminous LED Lights with chrome-trimmed bezels..."
Well this was simply too much for Merida, she squawked loudly as she felt a sudden tightness explode in her belly.
"I think it worked!" She clucked, "I think it's coming!"
But she had been so concerned with getting a Toyota Corolla Hatchback 2024 inside her, she hadn't truly considered the implications of what it meant to get it out. Until now.
"Oh no," Merida began to panic, "I can't give birth here! Get me to the garage!"
"What's happening? What's happening?" Melinda cried over the phone as her signal burst back up, before abruptly cutting back out again.
Merida and Miguel scrambled up, getting together the things required for the long and strenuous birthing process that was surely to follow.
"Wait, don't leave me here," Melinda shrieked from the phone, "Don't leave me alone while you two have your own boy and girl time without me!" But her cries were left ignored as the phone lay there discarded and abandoned by the couple, far from even faintest traces of civilization on the loneliest reaches of Merida's bed (though maybe not so far out of the reaches of civilization, given that the phone still had four bars, but come on people, leaving your phone? Who does that?).
Melinda shrugged and returned to her ceramics.
As the two love-fowl walked down the hallway toward the garage, Merida could feel the panic coming on, those Toyota Corolla Hatchback 2024 Nightshades were huge, and laying one was going to HURT.
The two of them stumbled into the garage, and Miguel found some blankets to create Merida a makeshift nest.
"Don't worry Babe," Miguel said, "I'll be with you every step of the way."
Despite her anxiety, Merida felt her heart flutter at the thought of her handsome boyfriend witnessing her going through what must surely be the most embarrassing point of every hen's life. It was so romantic.
But then Merida felt the first contractions starting to come on, and the panic once again began to rise in her. And then they hit, and Merida couldn't hold back the squawk of a scream that rose from her, for there was no way to prepare herself for such a large contraction, a TOYOTA sized contraction in fact.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no," she started to squawk, "I can't take this."
And then she started to scream violently, for a Toyota is a very big car to give birth to. Every contraction was like trying to force a giant 70.5 by 57.1 inch hunk of metal through the most embarrassing region of her body, because that's exactly what she was doing. She started squealing like a complete girl, because that's exactly what she was, but even the average girl would never squeal like that. Unless she was giving birth to a 70.5 by 57.1 inch Toyota Corolla that is, which was apparently something girls like her tended to do these days.
And then the most violent contraction yet hit, and she just dropped, just like that, without another sound.
Miguel just looked at her, laying in her nest face down, her beak twitching tensely, her hiney in the air, tailfeathers twitching also.
"Babe, are you okay?" Miguel asked.
"Oh yeah, I'm completely fine," Merida said in a deathly calm voice. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU &#^#%&*$ %$^*$^&%*! I %^&# LOVE MY LIFE! I LOVE TO FEEL $%*^&* PAIN WORSE THAN DEATH! I $%*^&* LOVE IT!"
And just at that moment, the garage door swung open.
"What in the name of cracked eggs is going on in here?" Merida's Mom asked flabbergasted.
"I'M GIVING BIRTH TO MY CAR!" Merida shot back.
There was silence, Merida's Mom's eyes shot from Miguel then back to Merida.
"I don't know why I even try," she mumbled as she walked back into the house, letting the door swing shut behind her.
Miguel turned back to Merida, "How you doing babes?"
"JUST LET ME DIE!" Merida squealed, "JUST GIVE ME A TOYOTA AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE!"
"A Toyota would be nice," Miguel remarked in agreement.
It was then that the first signs of her new car began to become visible, and it was BEAUTIFUL (The car that is, not the birth, that wasn't beautiful AT ALL, that was downright UGLY. In fact, if you ever get a chance to see a picture of an event like this for yourself, do your eyes a favor and spare them the sight of a 70.5 by 57.1 inch hunk of metal protruding from a hen's... though actually, if you look at it from this angle, you can kind of see why some people are into this sort of th-)
Then suddenly, another contraction slammed through Merida, denting the Perfectly Finished Chrome Exterior of her new high versatility vehicle, scratching it. Merida squealed in angst.
"I DENTED IT!" She shrieked, "I JUST DENTED MY NEW CAR!"
"Don't worry babes," Miguel assured her, "Nothing the country's finest car wash can't fix."
Fortunately, the car was coming tail first, which was fortunate because with a car, that meant the heavier side would be done first, and by now, the entire trunk of the car was visible. Miguel's eyes lit up at the sight of the pristine outer coating.
"Hold up babes, I gotta check this out."
"WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!" Merida shrieked as Miguel walked around behind her, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Miguel opened the trunk of the car and looked inside. He whistle-doodled in admiration of the intricate high-gloss and matte surfacing of the interior.
Entranced by its beauty, he climbed into the car through the trunk, (the car jolting under his weight, causing Merida to shriek) and climbed into the comfort of the heatable SofTex-trimmed leather of the driver's seat. Pressing his feet into the floorboards, he turned the ignition and felt the rev of the 169-horsepower engine under him. For him, it was pure heaven.
But for Merida, the revving of the engine did not do well with her contractions AT ALL. Merida squeaked horrifically.
"GET THAT THING OUT OF THERE!" She shrieked, "GET IT OUT!"
Miguel looked behind him, "Let's see if I can back this thing out," he said. And with that, he put his foot on the gas.
Merida shrieked as she nearly unbirthed the entire thing.
"Oops, sorry, forgot to put it in reverse," Miguel said, shifting gears and looking back again as he prepared to pull out.
He put his foot down again, petal to the metal, and the car revved again as it jerked backwards an inch, then stopped. Merida shrieked horrifically.
"Sorry, I think it's stuck," Miguel remarked, "I'd get out and push, but the car's in here pretty tight," He tried the door, causing Merida to yelp even more. "Yep, the door's completely jammed, so I think you'll have to do it."
"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?" Merida shrieked.
Miguel put his foot to the gas once more, "Now PUSH!" He encouraged Merida, "PUSH!"
Merida screamed and she wailed, and she shrieked and she squawked, and whatever other sounds a chicken may make in this type of situation, as she pushed and she pushed as hard as she could. Lifting her head into the sky she screamed, wishing she was dead (after she got her ride in her Toyota of course, she couldn't go out without that first ride in her Toyota).
And through all this, the garage's side-door opened once more, and Melinda, finished with her ceramics project (clay still sticking to her feathers), rushed in, just in time for the climax of one of Merida's horrible screams, "I'm here, I'm here!" She squawked, "What'd I miss?"
"EVERYTHING!" Merida shrieked (she was doing that a lot, shreking that is, birthing a car must really hurt).
Melinda could only look at her friend, clutched in the grasps of agonizing labor, "Don't worry, you're doing good," she said encouragingly, although she really had no idea what was going on at all.
Then finally, after what seemed an eternity of unbelievable agony (those wheels especially, talk about unexpected shape alterations), the car rolled out smoothly onto the garage floor behind Merida, the birth of her Toyota complete.
Her body fully exhausted, Merida slumped down onto the floor face first, hiney still up in the air; her innards felt like they had been run all over by a car (because technically that's exactly what they had).
Then, finally, her body still shaking from the experience, Merida turned around and could look at her new car fully for the first time. Her beak dropped, it was beautiful, its sleek chrome Nightshade black paint job shimmering pristinely in the garage light.
Merida squealed her delight. Jumping up and down she rushed to the garage door to let in the sunlight so she could see it better, then she rushed over to the car's front door to check it out. There were almost no scratches from the birthing process, and even the side mirrors managed to make it through unscathed. It was the most beautiful and joyous moment of her life and she couldn't help herself from yanking the car door open and pulling her boyfriend out, jumping up and down in an enthusiastic hug, pulling Melinda in as well.
"WE DID IT!" she cried, "WE DID IT! WE GAVE BIRTH TO MY CAR!"
"You did it," Miguel corrected with that jockey grin on his face, "But I did help good, didn't I?"
"YOU DID IT!" Melinda squealed, grabbing them both and starting up the huggy-jumpy energy all over again.
"A Toyota Corolla Nightshade, what a baby!" Miguel said.
"You know what else," said Merida, pulling out of the hugs and looking at her boyfriend admiringly, "Since you were in the car when I gave birth to it, that kind of makes you my baby too."
"Oh babes," Miguel cluckled.
"Baby," Merida laughed.
"Babes."
"Baby."
They looked at eachother a long moment, then again:
"Babes."
"Baby."
Melinda stuck out her tongue in like, utter disgust. These two. Ick.
Well, all said, it was a wonderful moment in Merida's life, a true step into womhenhood. But it was more than that, in the following days, Merida looked into it, and turns out, these things just didn't happen, no chicken had ever given birth to this particular model of car before.
Turns out, miracles really do happen.
So with that, Merida pulled her new car out of the garage (much easier than backing up out of... well you know what), and her, Miguel, and Melenda spent the rest of the afternoon just cruising around town in her new Toyota Corolla Hatchback 2024 Nightshade.
Let's Go Places.