From the desk of the General. Mission 3.
#3 of From the desk of the General
The Kaos Army don't just wade onto battlefields with guns blazing, though that is a lot of fun. Sometimes, the situations they are called in to resolve require some thinking that's not just out of the box, but out of this world.
From the desk of:
General Sir Anarchy Warlock (Chief Kicker of Photocopiers)
Senior Commander of the Kaos Army: Black Planet
Leader of 1st Tank Battalion
Drinker of coffee
Military tactical genius
Occasional donkey
BP date 16/09/3012
Mission notes
Re: Operation TUMBLEWEED
Planet: HGVGA96
TDW Gate: 746-005-B
Wars are messy things. They start out simple enough; a grab for land by an invading force, or a falling out between two high-powered individuals, perhaps a fit of boredom from a mentally unstable emperor with an army bigger than their IQ. They don't stay simple, though. Allies are called in. Reinforcements deployed. Assassinations are plotted. In every single one, no matter the reason behind it or the wacky plans drawn up by leaders and heroes, it's the citizens that suffer. Poor every-day folk just trying to go about their day in as normal a way as they possibly can, while havoc plays out around them. Houses destroyed - whole towns and cities sometimes. Schools levelled, medical services halted, roads filled with tanks and potholes when all they want to do is nip to the corner shop for essentials before a missile gets there first. In the worlds where they haven't got to that stage of warfare yet, then it's the elders who are skilled in swordsmanship and young men that can be taught who are whisked off to join the infantry, leaving behind the women and vulnerable to take on the responsibilities of keeping the remaining community safe, sheltered and fed.
These wars can rage for years, seemingly impossible to resolve. Ask any three people at random why the war is going on and you'll get three different answers. Ask the delegated spokesmen for each side the same question, and you will still be none the wiser.
Sometimes, I manage to start wars myself. I'm not very good at diplomacy (that's an understatement!) and if someone is being an idiot then I'll tell them to their face. Posh dinners at palaces, and summertime soirees in the presence of royalty are always good for stirring up trouble. Unlike the wars I'm talking about, these declarations of engagement are rescinded by the time dessert and coffee are served, when it becomes clear that war is what I am good at, and I have more T32s than you can shake a stick at. (How many is that, exactly? I always wondered.)
When the contract for this particular mission story came through, I was a very busy General. I often joke that I'm fighting wars in five dimensions and trying to stay sane in this one, and it's funny because it's true. The Kaos Army are mercenaries and peacekeepers and disaster relief engineers and emergency aid workers and many things in between, and we work across the galaxy in multiple realities. Thinking 'I don't have time for this!' and knowing that if I moved my men in under the command of one of my Majors (or a Lieutenant! I can do important stuff too, you know) they'd be tied up and disposed for longer than I'd like, I snapped and decided to do something radical.
These tyrants enjoy waging war so much, let them. They can keep bashing their soldiers together until the cows come home. Sitting in their bannered tents, poring over maps, pushing little models around and discussing military tactics trying to achieve goodness knows what all the live long day.
Just not in that particular location.
One night's work was all I needed. One night to move all the troublemakers off-world, via the power of our handy dandy portals, and abandon them there to do as they wished. To fight all they wanted over some crappy scrap of land that nobody had any use for, on an abandoned planet, until they got bored and asked nicely if they come back home now, please, via an official Declaration of Peace faxed to my office, signed by both sides.
In all truth, I don't think the civilians they'd left behind at home were in much of a rush to get them back, and probably had some plans for the militia leader's executions when they did.
I can't say for certain if they met a grisly fate in the end, but there were certainly a few faces missing at the last garden gala we attended...
Summary transcribed by LT. Rap (who is actually very capable of leading missions and isn't just here to type up Anar's whimsical trips down memory lane.)