Jerry the Jolly Jackrabbit and the STD (or, What Happens When Blitz Tries to Write a Children's Story)
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Newark, New Jersey, there lived a jolly jackrabbit named Jerry. Jerry was always jolly; nothing seemed to make him sad. He had three best friends in the whole wide world, each one as jolly as him: Freddy the Friendly Fox, Petey the Perky Parrot, and Bob. Each day, Jerry, Freddy, Petey, and Bob would frolic in the streets for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.
The people of Newark envied Jerry and his friends, because they could never seem to be quite as jolly. Despite this, they went out of their way to greet them. "Get the fuck outta the road!" they'd call to them from their cars, excitedly honking their horns and waving their middle fingers out their windows, "You're blocking traffic!"
"I'm doing well, thank you!" Jerry would call back, "Have yourself a jolly day!" Then he and his friends would dance around with glee until a collision between their backsides and Detroit metal launched them twenty feet in the air. Upon landing, they would laugh and laugh until their horrendous boo-boos made them faint.
One day, Jerry's friends gathered in their favorite street to frolic as usual. But where was Jerry? They ran to the rabbit's house lickety-split, and found him lying on the couch. "Jerry!" exclaimed Freddy Fox, "what's the matter?"
Jerry looked up at the friends gathered around him. He was not smiling. "Oh, I don't know. I just don't feel jolly today."
Freddy, Petey, and Bob knew something was very wrong then. "Come on, Jerry," said Bob, "we're your friends. What's up?"
Jerry sighed and sat up. "It burns when I pee, and I don't know why!" At this, all three friends gasped. They could handle being run over daily, but none of them could imagine having to pee with their wee-wees on fire! No wonder Jerry was so sad! "There must be something we can do to make you jolly again," said Petey.
All four friends pondered the problem. Freddy, being the smartest of the lot, came up with an idea. "I know! We can take Jerry to see the dentist! He fixed my toothache last week. Surely he can fix Jerry's ding-dong!" Jerry, Petey, and Bob looked up with newfound hope. "What are we waiting for?" asked Bob, "Let's go!"
Sadly, the dentist could not help them. He did have an idea of why Jerry's weenie burned; he called it "goner-ria", or something like that. He sent them on a quest to a distant pharmacy that sold medicine to stop the burning. Now Jerry and his friends were on their way. The jackrabbit led the way, almost as jolly as he used to be.
All went well for almost an hour, until..."Oh no! I have to pee!" Jerry cried.
"Quick! Go behind those bushes! We'll wait for you over here," replied Petey. The fox, the parrot, and Bob looked on nervously as the rabbit dove into the brush. For several minutes, all was quiet. Suddenly, Jerry yelped. "Eek! I'm on fire!" Almost immediately, the bushes erupted in flames. Jerry burst out of them, slapping at his burning fly.
Freddy, Petey, and Bob were speechless. They had never seen Jerry start a fire before, let alone with his ding-a-ling. Finally, Freddy spoke up. "Wow! That was awesome!" he shouted. Jerry simply blushed. "I told you it burned when I pee," he said.
"Do it again! Do it again!" the fox said, jumping up and down, "I wanna see you pee fire again!"
But Jerry would not do it again. It just hurt too much, no matter how fun to watch it was. Leaving the scorched plants behind, they resumed their quest for the cream to ease the rabbit's "goner-ria".
At last, they reached the pharmacy. They bought a tube of the stuff, and hurried back to Jerry's house. Before they made it, however, the rabbit found he had to pee again. Freddy wanted to follow Jerry into the bushes, but Jerry wouldn't let him.
The potty break was interrupted by the arrival of Max the Mean Monkey. He was the meanest fellow in all of Newark, and there was nothing he hated more than a frolicking, jolly jackrabbit named Jerry. "Hey! What do you boneheads think you're doing?" he bellowed, "Thought you could hide from me? C'mere and eat your knuckle sandwich, fluffy butt!"
Jerry was so scared, he lost all control of his infected bladder. A big ball of fire exploded from the rabbit's pants, bathing the nasty primate in its searing heat. Max took off down the road shrieking like a madmonkey, his ratty brown fur singed off almost entirely.
Freddy, Petey, and Bob cheered for their friend. "Hooray! You sure showed Max who the boss is around here!"
"Yeah, I sure did!" said Jerry, a grin on his face. "You know something, guys? Maybe this goner-ria thing might not be such a bad thing after all!" Locking arms, the four friends skipped down the road, leaving the tube of cream behind. Jerry was jolly again, and nothing else in the world mattered.
Moral of the story: Get gonorrhea as soon as you can. It's like a flamethrower in your pants, and nothing's more awesome than that!