You Love Him
Sequel to Marthell's story.
Done with permission.
Sequel/Follow up to the story 'He Loves You' by Marthell. Done with permission.
https://www.sofurry.com/view/1369973
He could never love me.
I mean, fuck is wrong with me?
I mean, shit...
......sigh...
... shit.
All that time we were hanging together. Making him laugh, the way his eyes would get all starry at me. Those little touches, or expressions. _ Shit. _ Don't mean shit. Damn, I'm stupid. He's...he's probably just being nice or somethin'. I guess I got caught up. I mean, does he even know?
Maybe.
Prolly not.
....kinda hope not. I feel humiliated enough.
I know what he'd say. He'd say "That doesn't change anything."
A-a-and-and then, he'd prob be thinking...((Damn, I could never love you!))
He could never love me. I bet my bottom dollar he's asked me here, because...maybe he feels sorry for me.
Unless......oh shit....unless he KNOWS.
FUCK.
Lookit him. Looking all nervous and sad. Yup, he's probably thinking "Damn dude, I'm his homie, but I'm not into that gay stuff."
Yeah...that's it. LOOK at him.
Yep! Look at his mouth. He doesn't know I'm here yet, and he's just mouthed the word 'never'.
SHIT. ....maybe I should go home. Hard to breathe. Heart going apeshit in my chest and shit.
Ehh....
'Never'. There he goes again. Probably saying 'I'll never have no dude close to me who likes me like that. Ew, no, I'm not like that."
Oh god.
Lemme go sit down...
.........
We're drinking milkshakes across the table from one another, staring in awkward silence like pups on their first dance, all nervous and scared. Look at him, look at his tail curled around a chair leg. He probably thinks I'm stupid. They believe cats have a lower IQ anyway. I mean, shit, there's lions painted on cave walls that go back to the Pleistocene, and felids did alot of great things in history. But how many cats these days know that? And any time one brings up, there's always some know-it-all online screaming "NO, it was canids on the hieroglyphs! Not felids, sorry!" Shoot man, I mean even when that sabertooth pharaoh was discovered, the reconstruction made him look like a pitbull with saberteeth. Even a numbskull like me knows he was obviously a cat! But...you can't bring the whole "sabertooths were felines" thing up without 100 dogs showing up screaming that they weren't. WHY am I thinking about this? Look at him looking at me. He thinks I'm a moron. They think we're all morons anyway, or from the streets, right? Let me....say something before he thinks I'm a imbecile.
"Cool place."
Way to go, stud. Look at him, smiling at me, as if to say "...uhkay." This place isn't cool. Looks doofy. But....but I dunno. I mean....I dunno. I don't even really....all I can think about is him right now. Sipping this stuff, trying to make my anxiety go down, heart go down, talking all thuggy to make myself feel tough.
Talking IN MY HEAD. Why do I think so much?
Oh lordy pie. LOOKIT this place. He's probably thinking I'm some kind of...cat-kitten. Like I'm sweet ass dam or something. Why he picked this place, because he thinks I'm the stereotype, I bet.
Uh nooo...he tried to flatten his ears. And back up they go, trying to look nice.
Yeah. I fucked up.
I fucked the fuck up. Oh my lord...
"Yeah..." he says.
Mmph. Damn, that was smooth of me. REAL impressive. I probably look like a moron. I do look like a moron.
I feel my balls shrivel in embarrassment. I feel humiliated. I wish I could just...I wanna say 'You are sooo sexy, and I wanna date you, and kiss you, and hug you. And...when I see you, I fantasize about us being together and doing...doing....doing all that cuddly doofy stuff on the crazy pill commercials. You know, those commercials for some pill with some weird name like Bishstopfussinn, or something. And it's always some...happy, cheery couple just going about their day while the commercial tells you how the pill will make you sneeze sperm or something, I dunno.
WHY am I talking to myself like I'm talking to somebody else?! Hell is wrong with me?!
Claws out...DAMN. Lemme....relax my....okay, good he didn't see THAT.
He's looking out the side of his eyes at this place. Puppy kitty shit. I know why he chose it. He...he must know about me. So, he chose this place to....let me down ea.....oh god. *Inhale* The stresssss.....
No, maybe...maybe not. Mama always said 'THINK POSITIVE'. So, I'mma think positive. Shoot, y'know, I would've chose this exact same place. If I was to choose a place.
I'm sitting here dumb like a mannequin. Lemme....
"So, uh, do you come here often?"
Jeebuz! WHY did I ask....too late to undo that bullshit. Boy, I'm really sweeping him off his feet today. Good job, dipshit.
"No," he says. Flat. And quick. Real quick. Then he follows up with a nice... "I mean, I've been a couple times." Long pause, probably trying to keep from laughing at my goofy ass. I probably look like that fool Milo about now.. I bet that's what he's thinking...we're sitting here looking like a bootleg ratchet-ass Milo and Otis. Ughhh, how stupid can I be...
He breaks the silence. "Pretty good shakes."
"Yeah."
Thats the truth. They ARE good. Heh...
If I had my way, we'd go that swanky place, down on CrenshawPete. I'd wear my best chain. ....if I had a chain. ....if I could afford a chain. Well, I said IF I had MY WAY, so in MY WAY, I'd have 3 chains. Maybe...maybe with gold plated catnip for a medallion? Oh lord no, he'd think I'm some alleycat. ..........okay, wait, I said, IF I HAD MY WAY, he'd be all impressed and ecchi over it. Like Kitty Minaj or someone. And, I'd be like..."Hey baby," and he'd fall into my chest. And I'd squeeze his cheeks.
DAMN, he's sexy. All chubby and short....okay lemme stop before I get spines sticking out down here.
But still, I mean, he'd be all over me, and I'd be all sexy suave like that leopard in the super hero movie. Prince T'Catta. Yes...and I'd be like "You like that, baby?" And he'd be all, "Yes, papi..." Mmm....I'd really like to just reach over the table and kiss him. With booty. Booty for weeks. He's delicious. He's sexy. He's so fucking smart, and nice. And I'm....I'm....
SIGH.
I'm trapped just being me. I bet he's just doing this out of niceness. He's probably 'being a good friend', or something. Something I don't want. I want him. I'm tired of thinking about him all the time. Why can't he just like me like I like him? Why can't he just love me?
Urhhhh the TENSION.
He's probably planning on how to bail out before its too late. Probably making up some excuse so he doesn't have be bothered with me.
I wanna cry.
No.
No.
FUCK.
Let's just get this over with. Bite the pill, and take the pain. Here goes....._ *INHALE slow so not to give self away* _...... Kay.... On 3.
1...
2.....
"So, how come you asked me here anyway?"
He looks me dead in my eyes.
Lookit him. He's just so sexy, calm, and together. Why'd he ever want a fool like me?
I bet he doesn't.
He can do better.
He probably is doing better.
He's 'being a FRIEND' I bet. Friendzoned again.
Friendzoned. Again.
Friendzoned.
I can't take this, let's get this shit over with.
I say his name, but he just frozen in place, not saying anything. Just nods.
Yeah....here it comes. Here it comes. I never should've came. Came all the way over here to get my heart busted. But say it cool...
"How come you asked me here anyway?"
Said it cool. Good, if he sees I'm about to cry, he'd definitely think I'm a weak punk.
He already thinks I'm a punk and a bitch.
And he thinks that by bringing me here, and letting me down easy, that he's doing me a favor.
Why?!
WHY can't you just....JUST....LIKE ME?! WHY?!
Damn...I don't know whether I want to swipe this drink across the table or cry....I'M TIRED OF FRIENDZONES!
FUCK!
"Oh, yeah," he says, "Well, it only opened recently and we hadn't been here together so...y'know, I thought it would be neat to check it out. I heard on Scream that it was really good."
Just say what you're here to do. And break my fuckin' heart already.
Wait. THINK POSITIVE.
Hrmmm....maybe...mom said I was my own worst enemy. Maybe...maybe that's what I'm doing right now. Maybe it's not as bad as I'm thinking it is.
But...
BUT....
I GOT TO KNOW. For sure. I've been bracing myself for the pain. Let me cut around the bullshit, and just...figure this out. WITHOUT letting him know what I'm doing...
"Sure," I say, "but, uh, why just invite me? Without the others, I mean."
Now, let's see if he feels about me like I feel about him.
Or if...it's...what....I think it is.
....
.....
URHHH the tension!
He closes his eyes and keeps drinking. Under the familiar dark of my eyelids.
Oh gods.
Yep.
This is it.
Here it comes.
He's probably disgusted by me. The thought of his paws all over me probably makes him sick.
Oh gods....
He looks at me.....
and shrugs.
"We're close, right? I guess I thought it might be nice if it were just us."
Yeah. Close as in "JUST FRIENDS" I bet.
"Sure," I say.
I wanna say, 'Sure, as just buddy pals, and nothing else. Because that would be too good to be romantic.'
Mother fucker.
"What were your plans for after this anyway?"
Lemme guess. Bowling. Or let's talkin about our mates, OH you don't have a mate, too bad for you! EW you wish I was your mate. BUT YOUR A CAT!
I hate this.
I hate love.
I hate me.
I wish I wasn't me.
I just wish, he'd love me.
"You know what?" he says. "I didn't think it through that far. I really should sleep more, its messing with my mind."
Being here with him today, right now, is total agony.
I just...I just want him.
Romantically.
Sexually.
Good times.
Bad times.
DAMMIT.
WHY does my mind torture me. I used to think of my fantasies of him in a wedding dress hot as hell. Ancestors know I think about it every night. But now....now...it just makes me grieve. Because now, all my fantasies will come crashing to a halt like a smashed bus against the wall of 'Fuck You.'
"Is that right?" I ask.
"Ye- Yes, that's right." he answers.
Fuck.
Even the way he says yes...is so sexy. I HATE being attracted now. Because....
I dunno. I'm thinking too fast.
Damn, he's fine. He is SO fine.
I wish I knew how to flirt. I wish I was a player. I wish...I wish, I wish, I wish.
Maybe...maybe I can spin this around. Maybe...maybe I can....make him giggle, and then, not give him a chance before at least, at least, seeing what he's missing.
Yeah!
I got to be suave. I want to say "I dream about your naked ass every night."
No...
I....gotta....
"That shirt suits you."
FUCK.
I'm tired of fuckin' up.
Way to go, pick-up artist! Real smoove on 'em, Don Juan. More like Don Won't.
'That shirt suits you.' WTF>?!
He's probably thinking, 'that's why I wore it, dumb ass.'
I'm so dumb...
"Thanks." he laughs. All awkward. Probably laughing at how lame that was.
WHY IS THIS SO HARD!!!
Why can't it just be, 'Hey, I'm a gay cat, you're a gay dog, I like you, gimme a chance please, let's DATE.' WHY can't it be that easy?
Urhhh....
I wanna cry.
I wanna go home and play my Humanjit Housewifeborn on Groundrim.
Groundrim always makes me feel better.
Heh.
Hehe...
'Groundrim is for the dogs!'
Hee...*sip*
....unhh...
Look at his eyes.
DAMN are they sexy.
If he only knew my ship gets half-mast just from his breath, his eyes, that twerky waddle he does....
Unghhh....why do the hot ones always have to be nice and take so long in saying "No."?
He would never love me.
I'm too poor anyway.
I'm a cat.
Jaguar.
Pantherine.
Whatever.
Dumbass. That's more like it.
Let's get this over with...so I can go home, cry, and play Groundrim.
"Why did you invite me here, really?" I say. No more beating around the bush. No more long ways around to getting to 'I like you just as a friend.' Let's end this shit before I start liking you anymore than I do. You heart-breaking bitch...
"What?"
I KNOW he heard me. Big ass ears, looking like two popcicle sticks. He's probably stalling while he thinks up a nice way to reject me.
I'm TIRED of being rejected....it fucking hurts.
I'm too close to crying right now to stay here any longer. If I keep sitting here, I'm going to cry. I just know it.
"You aren't the type to ask somebody out alone without a damn good reason, or at the very least a plan. And the way you're dressed, the way you've been acting... It's-" I'm mad now. I'm hurt. I'm horny. I wanna cry. Dammit...but...I don't want to scare him. Dogs think we're all thugs anyway...
"It's... I don't know." Sympathetic response. Sympathetic corgi. Because I'm a pathetic everything.
I'm pathetic....
I hate being me.
If I was like him...cool, and calm, and knowing you can have anybody you wanted...I'd like myself. How can I love myself if I'm the piece of shit that I am? I wish....I wish, I wish, I wish.
FUCK....I almost crack a cry. DID he hear me?!
....
No. Ears didn't move. No visual cues.
...
That would've been humiliating. I can barely keep my shit together now.
I feel like he's already rejected me.
Like I got a cannon ball shot through my chest.
My stomach's in knots. My heart is thumping in my neck. My mouth is dry. My throat won't...just...stay relaxed.
I want to cry.
"You don't know?" I ask. Quietly too. Because if I got louder...I know I'd cry right then and there. Why am I so emotional?! I'm a male! They say males aren't supposed to be emotional.
BUT I AM.
I can't...........I can't help it.
I think......
I think I love him.
Great.
I love...somebody...who will never love me.
Fuck.
"This was a mistake," he says. A ball of tears clogs up the back of my throat. I feel a wipe of warm nerve pulse roll down my body like a scanning laser. My mouth and nose become salty inside. My tail is shivering. My ass is shivering in my chair. I knew it....I knew it....oh god why did I come here?! If he had been somebody I didn't care about....I wouldn't care.....but..... I was the mistake...that's what he means.
"I was tired and impulsive and..." he continues, just further smashing my heart into bits. "I'm sorry for all of it."
I don't hear anymore.
He's just running off at the mouth. But I'm using everything in me to keep from breaking down right here, right now, in front of.....the one I've fantasized about for....for....forever. I just nod as if I hear what he's saying. But I don't. I'm just swallowing tears, clenching my teeth, slapping my tail, and doing everything to run bolt out of here crying my heart out.
I love you, you heartless, meanspirited fuck.
I love you.
And you could never love me.
Because....because I'm nothing. I'm a MISTAKE. Loving me is a mistake.
I wanna die.
I wish I was dead.
Maybe....maybe....maybe if I'm dead...then.....
He stops talking. He's looking at me. He's done telling me how much of a mistake I am.
I didn't hear what he said, but what's the point of knowing by now anyway? I'm a mistake.
"That's it?" I say. My voice cracks a bit. But I doubt he heard it. I hope he didn't.
"That's it." he says.
My stomach feels like it just fell down a well.
I close my eyes, breathe in and out, doing everything to stop the tears. My ears want to slide back, but the muscles on my head are throbbing in pain from forcing them to stay up and look nonchalant. Can't let him know....how weak I am.
I'm already a mistake.
"Sure. So, what now?" I say. I don't know why I said it, I just....I can't do this anymore. Of all the people, WHY him?! Him! I love him...and he thinks I'm a mistake.
I hate myself.
"I guess we get going," he says. I guess he's happy now to get rid of me.
"Sure. Okay." I say, struggling to not cry. I gotta get out of here...
"See you later then," he says with a little wave.
"See you later," I say. I wanna go home, cry, drown my sorrows in a game, and just....I don't know. I don't know.
I'm a mistake.
But I can't let him know how hurt I am. I mean, I got to save face. I got to...not look like a weak heartbroken imbecile. So, I lie and make up some excuse that I think sounds cool. "Don't wait up for me. I'm gonna make a couple calls before leaving."
He pulls out his phone.
He thinks I'm dialing. But I'm just....scrolling through....nothing. I'm deleting every single text we've ever had after he leaves.
....
I wish he'd go.
I don't want him to see me cry.
And I can't leave or I'll be crying and sobbing all down the street.
I just....I'm just gonna sit here....cry.....and then....go home. I hope I die in my sleep. Maybe then I won't be such a mistake, huh?
He gets up and leaves.
And I hold my breath...
***
After he left....the dam broke.
The tears wouldn't stop coming.
I got up, moved to a back seat, so nobody could see me.
And I just....
I dunno.
I cried.
I cried hard.
I never cried this hard before.
I cried while I deleted everything of him in my phone.
I cried while I deleted everything that reminded me of him from my phone.
I cried as I planned to throw my clothes in the garbage so I don't have to smell him anymore.
I cry.
I cried.
I'm crying.
He said I was a mistake.
He could never love me.