Hit Dat Bich!: The Female Greenskinz
This is just stupid and for fun. But I love the idea of female orks, and I think women Space Marines are pretty bad ass and cool. If we can have space vikings, then why not space amazons? Or Russian fascist-killing women snipers?
Again, this is for fun. Those who like, welcome. Those who don't, IDC.
(If any ladies do find this offensive at all, please let me know. I do not intend this to be misogynistic or against women in any way.)
40(?) Facts and Lore about the hypothetical Grrrl Greenskinz!
Orkettes, or orkesses, or as they call themselves, "Burdz", are the fairer gitz of the ork species. Where most orks, though genderless, have what humans would consider male attributes, orkettes are definitely the "female" in comparison.
Orkettes have a body shape much closer to a human female's. But not a stripper or a fitness model, no. The typical orkess, or "burd" would look more fitting in a trailer park. They have humongous, sagging breasts, coupled with massively fat butts, big thighs, smaller waists, and naturally red or pink claws. Their tusks are smaller, but their upper fangs may sometimes jut out, depending on age and individual. Others may be incredibly obese, while others are so skinny that they look emaciated. To put it bluntly, Meg Mucklebones could fit right into a mob of grrlz, or as they call it, "a klik uh burdz", and none would be the wiser. Orkettes usually, but not always, come in two shapes: either huge and quite heavy, like a big, frumpy green pear waddling about. Or incredibly skinny and scrawny with flappy drooping breasts, thin "hair", and stick-thin arms that hang down literally to the floor and the knuckles drag as she walks while upright, leaving a pair of draglines bordering the sides her foot prints.
Female orkoid voices are more than 3 to 7 times as loud as a boy that is larger than them. A large orkette can scream and rant so loud that she can shatter glass or make a human within feet of her screaming literally drop dead from the decibels.
Most orkettes and grotesses have mutated to naturally grow trichome : the naturally occurring hair on plants. They grow this white, green, blue or red straight hair from their heads. Some may also grow mold-fur on their legs, armpits, eyebrows, or crotch.
Most burdz will grow pointed, thin noses that give them a little bit more of a human appearance, compared to boyz. But with their thin lips, jagged teeth, small chins, heavy brows, and often stringy hair, it doesn't always help every individual's appearance. Not in human eyes, anyway, as many a ork boy has found himself overcome by this...ugh, "beauty". Especially since a Burd's nose can end up crooked or ugly, or upturned and pig-like.
A "female" grot is known as a minj. They are also known as as bintz, gritchez, or groez. They can range from being shaped like a short pear with a massive butt that sticks out, or being lanky, scrawny and flat assed. Minjiz have smaller hands and feet than a "male" grot, and even louder, squeakier voices. They will usually look like a small version of Witch Hazel, i.e. looking exactly like a wicked witch in the face. Complete with snaggled teeth, mole on the nose, and stringy hair. But they will often have noses and ears bigger in relation to their head, compared to those of a "male" grot, who has a nose and ears smaller than a minj. They do walk in a upright position instead of slouched or hunched over, always with a hand on the hip or throwing their limp-wristed hands about overexaggerating whatever they are rambling on about. Burdz 'n' Minjiz are always seen together, never one without the other. Even more so than grots and orks.
Unlike their male counterparts, minjiz are not slaves or kicked... often. But they will overwork themselves trying to impress some jerk girl who despises them. They may also serve orkettes and other minjiz due to emotional blackmail from their larger counterparts, or to impress some girl greenskin they admire and think is better than them. In contrast, they will never value or respect another species. Not even grots or orks. A minj will work harder than a slave on her own volition to impress a gurl who doesn't even like her, all in hopes of being "valued" by this emotional blackhole of a greenskin.
If a minj lives long enough and wins enough social media feuds, she can grow to heights of 7 feet with a hunchback and a powerful following. But this is rare since as she grows bigger, she will be constantly challenged to overcome orky gossip, having drinks thrown in her face, and have enough friends to overcome her private business being tossed about as gossip. She also must be able to out-scream and fuss other grrlz on social media.
The orkettes originated in a far-flung region of space just outside of the Milky Way galaxy and even Imperial-known space when a ship of pirates that was a combination of greenskin freebooters from the Blood Axe klan, as well as some Dark Eldar, crashed upon a tropical planet with no intelligent life. This planet's only life was plants, but all manner of plants. Plants that could be deadly, or could mutate, and more. A place that looked like evolution had lost it's mind while on a bender. When the ship crashed, all the pirates aboard died in a horribly gory mash up of body parts and limbs. As the ork spores, tainted by Dark Eldar blood, began their usual regrowth like fungi, the alien spores and chemicals from native planets effected what would become new orks and gretchin, and helped infuse extremely small amounts of Dark Eldar DNA into the orkoid fungus. When the mutated new orks clawed their way up from the soil, their bodies and looks were mutated to be much more feminine in physique and behavior than the standard ork and grot.
Orkette society is nowhere near as brutal as ork society. BUT it is far more toxic, unpredictable and filled with bickering. And far, far more complicated and twice as deadly. A single Burd can make friends with all others burdz and minjiz around her, but her friends may turn on her in a matter of minutes to gossip about her behind her back, or steal a piece of clothing. Since Orkette society revolves around who is friends with who, a large mob of friends must dress similarly, carry the same interests as the alpha female, and hate what she hates. These mobs are called "Kliks". If one member of a klik feels slighted or wants to attack another, she will call into question the loyalty of all her own friends. To which, they MUST prove it by joining her in her attack (or whatever else she's doing) and having her back in whatever problem she faces. Her enemy will also do this with her own "klik", and as their private feud continues, more and more and more members are called into question of loyalty for "whos side are you on?" A petty squabble between just two individuals about who has more expensive shoes can turn into a devastating war across a continent leaving hundreds of thousands dead in a matter of a days. But just as fast as these wars can begin, they can end with both warring factions hugging each other and becoming the best of friends. This new mass of friends becomes one whole new Klik. But then in a matter of weeks, another feud can begin, and a whole new Klik can splinter out of this, and the war begins all over again. Thus, two pairs of shoes can cause the death of millions in a span of a week.
As these female orks expanded across their planet, they developed their own "kultures", which they call "Fash-shunz". One of the most important things to orkettes is fashion, and how jealous or impressed she can make all those around her feel. A orkette's "fashunn" is not freely chosen, but is dependent on her body type, hue of green skin tone, kind of hair, type of fangs, and her circle of friends. Exactly what makes a orkette unable to use one kind of fashion versus another is so difficult to understand that only they themselves can make sense of it. The wrong shade of steel for a bracelet that doesn't compliment the shade of red her eyes are can immediately see her humiliated, mocked and ostricized from her klik for looking "yee-yee", "raggedy" or "pity full."
As orkettes have developed their own "teknolojee," they will still pour as much energy into being nosy, spying, gossiping and getting in each other's business as an ork does putting into building war machines. One of the main things orkettes build and pour their energy into is make-shift forms of social media and phones. One of the most popular is a social network called Drama-Book. Another is called Start-Shwitter. Entire wars that can devastate a planet can happen just over whether a picture was liked or not.
Orkettes do not like warfare, but they will war MORE than boyz. Where orks go to a Waaagh! (War), orkettes are instead fueled by social small things like "Shahpeeng!" or on social media "TWEETEENG!" This means orkettes go into shopping or social media like orks go to Waaagh! This seems all well and good until you realize that 10 times out of 10, these little things always start into arguments over something stupid or throwing drinks into faces about who has the nicer shoes or who gets to buy the handbag first. THESE little feuds between just two grrrlz then begins to spiral into friends jumping in to "stand up for muh grrrl!" or "have me bint's back!" And these group squabbles spread like fire into klik feuds, which turn into full-blown warfare that may keep going until it's planetary warfare.
Where some orks actually have fear of dying or feelings of self preservation, most orkettes have absolutely no fear when fueled by these feud-wars. But where they excel past the average boy is the average grrrl is so intent on getting to her target that she will do whatever she can to make sure she at least gets a slap in. Meaning they are too pissed to run into a hail of bullets and die. They want to make sure the bullets don't stop them until they at least clock you one time with a shovel. At the least. And look GORGEOUS while doing it too.
Instead of screaming Waaagh!, they simply scream random things like "Hit dat bitch wiff a shovel!" or "Yew fucked my man!" or something along those lines.
Like orks, orkette weaponry is often just whatever they can get their hands on and convert and customize. _ But _ when orkettes customize a weapon, they actually don't require any gestalt field of belief for a non-working weapon to work. They are far much more tedious, petty, meticulous and nit-picky than any ork or grot is, and will fiddle with a piece of technology with the care and OCD of a Eldar engineer. On the other hand, most orkette weapons are designed to look and sound prettier than how much damage they do, so while their shoota has better aim, actually works, and is bedazzled to all hell while shooting glittery bullets, it may only do 50% of the damage a regular shoota can. The most important thing is that it LOOKS GUUD. Damage and battlefield function are last on the list of what's important. But since these a gaggle of girlz can actually convert any weapon they find, and even sometimes increase it's stats, meeting a girl who pulls a glittery bolter out of her purse may the last thing even a nob who's too close may see.
The orkette equivalent of a mek is called a "Fashun-beestuh". These meks do not "kustomize" anything. But instead, they "give it a make-ovauh!" Fashun-beestuhs specialize in "giving make-overs" to almost anything to become the best it can be. But in orkette society, members of a klik won't insult one another's attempts, and even if hating it, they will fake smile and pretend to love it. Once the flattered fanny leaves, they will let their true feelings fly and take what she made, and re-make it themselves. And then, this will happen to them, and a single invention can end up being gutted, refitted, refined, re-tuned, rewired and so on almost endlessly by opinionated fashun-beestuhs. Thus a single thing, such as a looted weapon or armor will constantly be refined and improved over time. And thus, once a looted bolter has been remade and gifted to a friend, and continues it's cycle around, by the time it makes it to actual war, it may spray perfume, shoot ripping bullets that can snatch out hair as well as kill, shoot bombs of glitter, fire mace bombs, fire make-up into it's shooter's face, and include a giant tazer.
Orkette weapons are all designed to fit with their ideas of "fashunn". Meaning they consider their weapons part of their dress ensemble. With bullet belts for a push-up bra, a space marine's spine for a "thong", grenades for earriings, and Eldar boots for anklets, an orkette's Seezun Fashunn Outfitt outfit can double as all the weapons she needs to be a one-girl army.
Orkette weapons include: -> Coochie Purzz: A style of purse tinker-fingled up by none other that Coochie Da Trollopdyte, this massive handbag can double as a mace complete with chain-blade edges. Coochie discovered Eldar teleport technology, and decided to sit down with a klik of fashun-beestas and used her highest level of ingenuity, energy, time and money to reverse-engineer a eldar gate. And use it for a purse. A Coochie Purz has a gateway in it that exits to a orkette's private stash of...whatever. Thus, she can open her handbag and shove her arm down in it, able to pull out anything from a tube of lipstick to a gigantic rocket launcher that takes two individuals to hold.
-> Bomb-Cheekz: One of the prides of orkette society is a big, bubbly ass. "Thickah den a Snickah, fer damn shoor." as they say. But not all bodies are spawned equally. Those with a flat butt or a "squig ass" often will go to a dok and have implants put in to give the look of a huge butt. But greenskins are not known for their brightness, and the highest rated booty happens to be two, green-painted naval mines. Because having a boomy booty is da best. Those with the Nailz to afford this will usually get missle breast implants to complete the stunning figure. But don't let her fall, or the whole area will go up in a blast.
Orkettes grow bigger like how orks do, except they do not get bigger and stronger from physical violence. This does not by any means mean they are not violent, since they can get just as violent as orks. And twice as hostile. But they instead use screaming, yelling, roaring, bickering, and fussing. These shouting matches may go on for days at a time, and end up spiraling into a spider web of entire groups arguing and bickering back and forth constantly. The adrenaline from "telling her off" and leaving someone "burned" helps them grow bigger and stronger. The one who gets the final word and humiliates or shames her enemy sees a boost in growth, becoming bigger, stronger, louder and brighter green. If a feud does become violent, orkettes prefer melee like all greenskins. Their nails grow thicker, longer and sharper than a boy's, and can be used like brutal, vicious claws swung in a windmill style. They also will bite, pull hair, slap, choke and anything other than using clubs or punches. When tempers reach maximum height, fighting resorts to weapons, which happens to be a orkette's clothes. She wears her weapons in a cobbled-together piece of "fashunn" which can be ripped off and used in a moment's notice. Everything from high-heel gun shoes, to barbed metal wigs, spiked purses swung like maces, and anything throwable.
An orkette nob is known as a "Bad Bint". And in place of a boss is "The Baddest Bint." And at the top of the hierarchy is a warboss called "Thuh H.B.I.C.". (i.e. "Head Bint In Charge.)
Orkette society is more structured on noise, wit, and personal sense of style rather than just size and strength. This means it is possible for a clan of orkettes to be run by a single grot.
Where orks use teeth for currency, orkettes use nails and make-up, plus a favor-system. If someone does something for you, you have to do something for them in equal measure. If you don't do anything, you will be completely ostricized from orkette society, which for an ork all alone can mean death. If you do something of lesser measure, even if it's only 1% not as good as what was done for you, then you will lose your rank and are knocked down the social ladder. If you return the favor by doing more than what they did for you, then that is seen as insult and a challenge, which then will ignite a feud, which then turns into a war.
Where orks have klans, orkettes living outside the influence of older orks have developed their own "klans", which they call "Klikz."
Each klik of burdz will all use a set style of fashunn, prefer specific weapons, fighting methods, and keep their hair and lips a set of colors or designs. Some orkette klans include:
-Tha Waaagh-Mart Girlz: These orkettes are known for wearing their hair in ponytails on one side of their heads, or wildly feathered in a glam-rock 1980's style. They often wear too much make-up, or none. These are the orkettes who usually have missing or scattered teeth. They also will sport tattoos all down their cleavage, chevron, hanging belly, and often a infected bellybutton ring. Their fashion is made from over-alls made from squig skin, and usually not much else. They have the highest immune system and healing rate of every klik, because of the abject filth and a scent so bad that it could make stalwart guardsmen throw up immediately upon first whiff. These girlz are accompanied by clouds of flies, especially around the groin area. They enjoy smoking cold medicine and dancing in a square formation.
-Twurk Skwad: Only the orkettes with the most flexible backs and biggest booties can become a member of this klik. The bigger the booty, the higher the status. Ork or grot, it doesn't matter. One grot, called Wobba-Wobba Thump tha Poppah, grew her buttcheeks so big that she cannot even walk and must be carried everywhere by her girlz. Twurk Skwad orks are as known for social media bullshit and fighting on camera phones as Waaagh-Mart Grrlz are known for getting drunk, fighting in parkinglots, using junk. Twurk Skwad burdz and minjiz view hair as the most important thing around. They see hair like humans see gold. Instead of wearing their own long, luscious hair naturally, they will simply wear hats of hair (made from anything from vines, to other species hair, or scalped orkettes, to...whatever.). These weaved caps are called "Hurr Hatz", and are more valued by the wearer than even the wearer's own life. Twurk Skwad excels at ass shaking. They can make their buttocks slap and clap to the point of causing the ground to rumble. Some even use what is called "Booty-Meat Cannonz". These huge cannons have a weird and unique end shaped like a thigh master and wired up to a social media account. The shooter will twerk, clap and slap her buttocks to squeeze the trigger and fire the gun. But the gun is also wired to how many likes and shares she has, so the higher the likes for her twerking, the stronger her force shields become. Which means those who twerk the worst lose their shields and end up as casualties of war. A interesting fact about the Twurk Skwad klik is that they embroiled the entire planet into a bloodbath unlike one ever seen...over some weaved hair hats. There were 10 hats of hair, and 50 burdz trying to get one. This spiraled out of control into a war that sent chunks of the planet into radioactive pits where life can never grow again.
-Juice Grrrlz: The Juice Grrrlz are the most famous klik for one thing: gossip. They are actually the most intelligent of orkette society and the major source of advanced technology. But they put forth their time, effort, energy, and the most intense intellectual drives towards advancing higher in higher in ability for the sole purpose of being nosy. They have also developed complex, shrewd, and philosophically brilliant mental concepts...all in order to deduce someone else's business. Juice Grrrlz have developed complicated inventions in order to spy on others, to hear what someone is saying, and have inventions that can break down a crime scene: all for the sake of seeing whether was stuffing her bra or not. They have even developed a machine that can track the ground for footprints, the maker of the print, their clothing, size, carrying, time and more. All just to see if someone is hiding bunyons or not. In the long stretches of time that they have developed in their little isolated region of space outside common ork knowledge, Juice Grrrlz developed DNA scanners just for the sake of seeing if someone had a plastic surgery job or not. Even when they know it's obvious, or the person being spied on admits to it, they still want to show DNA proof. Juice Grrl technology makes orkette forces second to none military intelligence. BUT since they only use such information for being nosy and gossip, their hyper-advanced tools don't get used like humans would use them. When orkette society first encountered aliens to their planet, Juice Grrrlz rapidly developed star ships with super advanced surveillance. This was to be nosy and get into the business of other species. It also was important to intercept and interrupt the communication feeds of other ships so to show off their clothes, their singing talents, their dances, or to just talk about nothing for hours on end. A orkette ship rendered invisible by fields can cause other ships to crash by hijacking their feeds and showing off their ork lady dances or to gossip about somebody the officers of the ship doesn't even know, or to just talk. About nothing in particular. Because the other ship can't get their radar or info feeds back up, and nothing but videos and cams of ork girls singing or doing THEIR version of a song, or laying there painting their nails while talking, the ship may crash into other ships or such. So, a single orkette ship can accidentally cause something like a Imperial cruiser to crash or go offline completely due to their hijack/jamming abilities.
-Thuh Showtunez: The Showtunez are a klik obsessed with live plays, singing, dance numbers, dancing in general, and drama (whether drama as in real drama, or drama as in bullshit). Everything to them is about sharing and showing off their dancing, singing or some impromptu performance. Usually, something petty, insignificant, and flooded to the point of driving a human being insane. They actually can sing beautifully, some anyway. But after the 157th ballad by the same grrl, it gets a bit much. They will perform a flash mob or a lady quartet out of nowhere, even in the middle of a battlefield. And since orkettes value showtunez SO much, these dancers are usually outfitted with incredibly powerful shields to make sure they at least get their dance number done and get a applause before the enemy fire breaks down their shields. A squad of these grrrlz may also charge another army in battle, rushing up to them in a massive mob, before stopping just 1 or 2 feet from them, and then dancing in a choreographed routine. I.E., they stomp the yard and the enemy army shooting at them "got served." Dealing with them has been said to almost be like dealing with Mad Boyz that boast the tech of Necrons almost. Except, to get them to fight, and fight viciously, is to say how much live plays suck, or sing another song to interrupt them. This sends them into a whirling rage that makes them blithering foaming-at-the-mouth maniacs attacking anything in sight.
[To Be Continued . . .]