Mascot Wanted
A cheetah applies for a job as a college mascot. The athletics administrators have no idea he's really a cheetah. Hilarity ensues.
Russell looked through the morning papers. After his last job canned him, he wanted to get right on finding something new. His looming rent and utility bills weren't going to pay themselves either.
The cheetah thumbed through the classifieds section, mumbling to himself positively or negatively towards each one. His thumb landed on one that caught his attention:
"CHEETAH WANTED
KEPSTON UNIVERSITY MASCOT OPENING AVAILABLE
Pays weekly through College Football and Basketball seasons, monthly stipend rest of the year, medical benefits, including dental and vision."
"Huh? They want me to just dance around and cheer their teams on for money?" Russell asked himself. "...I can do that!"
"Kepston University Athletics?"
"Er, hello? I'm calling about the ad you guys put in the papers for a cheetah mascot?"
"Yes, I'll connect you to them."
...
"Athletics."
"Hi, my name is Russell Freddy. I'm calling about the ad you put in the classifieds about a cheetah mascot?"
"I see. Can you come down to our university basketball court on Tuesday? That's where we'll be holding the interviews."
"I sure can."
"Some other questions, Mr. Freddy. How athletic are you?"
"I used to work at a gym, I held aerobics classes and was a personal trainer."
"Perfect. Also, instead of appearing for the interview in a business suit, can you please come in whatever you normally exercise in? We'd like to see you show off what you can do. It'll also be more comfortable to wear under the suit."
"Sounds fine."
"Very good. Please arrive tomorrow by 9 AM. If you're driving, let the people in the parking area know you're here for the interview, they'll give you a parking pass so you won't have to pay."
"Will do. Thanks for the opportunity."
"You're welcome. Have a nice day." *click*
"...'Suit?'" Russell wondered out loud.
The parking lot seemed fairly congested, but the cheetah was able to find a spot relatively close to the indoor basketball court.
As the cheetah entered the court, Russell noticed the panel seemed a little surprised. He overheard some of the murmurs they shared with each other.
"That's a really good suit."
"...Makes ours look like crap."
"He could probably do backflips better in that than ours."
"He even looks like a real..."
Russell looked down at himself. He could've sworn he was told not to wear a suit, and instead his exercise attire, which consisted of a t-shirt and gym shorts. Why were they talking about a suit?
"Morning," one of the men said. "Your name?"
"Russell Freddy."
"Mr. Freddy, I remember our chat on the phone, yes."
The man turned to another man entering from a back room with a rather large box, and put his hand flat in front of his neck, palm down, moving it back and forth, to gesture that whatever was in the box wasn't necessary. The man saw this and exited as immediately as he entered.
"Alright, Mr. Freddy. You already have us colored surprised. We actually had a suit, but what you've got beats ours to a pulp. Very good."
Russell looked rather puzzled.
"Nevermind it, Mr. Freddy. If you could, please show us some athletic moves you're able to perform. You've got the whole court to work with. Whenever you're ready."
"Alright..."
The cheetah took a moment to quickly warm himself up. He continued wondering why the men behind the table seemed so surprised at his appearance. This suit thing continued to baffle him, but he tried not to let it bother him too much.
As he continued stretching, he did notice some more murmuring between the men.
"He looks extremely built. You think it's form-fitting?"
"I dunno...maybe it's makeup or prosthetics?"
"It can't be. It looks too real to be either of those..."
Once the cheetah nodded at the men, one of them turned on a stereo, playing very energetic music.
Immediately, the cheetah ran half the length of the padded court, and leapt up into the air, performing a perfect somersault.
Two of the men nodded at each other, looking back at Russell.
The cheetah caught this as he started to do a series of backflips, landing where he first started running.
After this, he cartwheeled back to the table of men. Not quite sure what to do next, he started to show off some dance moves he'd normally do when warming up with his advanced aerobics students.
As the music continued, the dance moves blended into variations of his somersaults, backflips, and cartwheels.
Russell was working up a sweat. Instinctively, he removed his shirt between moves.
The men saw Mr. Freddy's furry, well-built torso. Their collective jaw dropped in awe over how perfect the torso portion of his suit was, and how detailed it was underneath the shirt.
Once the music ended, the cheetah stopped himself from continuing. He looked at the table of men, out of breath. Some continued to nod and murmur at each other.
The man in the center slowly started to grin. It grew from ear to ear.
"Very impressive, Mr. Freddy. We can tell you went above and beyond just for us."
Russell tiredly smiled.
"We won't ask you what your secrets are to having made such a fine suit. However, we're going to have to redevelop and redesign a few things to rebrand the mascot role for you...that is, if you'd like the job."
Russell gestured to begin speaking but was immediately stopped.
"I must also have you know that the mascot is also the FACE of the University. We would like you to appear in promotional stuff for the school, aside from your appearances in the Football and Basketball games. Every student who attends this school WILL know who Russell the Kepston Cheetah is."
The man continued.
"We'll also be expecting you to be able to travel with the two teams as they go to away games. If you don't know, our teams make it to their respective finals often. The games are televised on national sports networks."
The cheetah immediately saw money in his eyes.
"So, Mr. Freddy. Would you like the job?"
The cheetah grabbed the man's hand and shook it firmly.
"Yes, yes I would! Thank you!"
"Great. Give us a few weeks for football training and the fall semester to begin, and we'll rebrand the role completely. We'll call you when we want you for the first photo shoot."
"Alright...but, forgive me, what about all the other people who auditioned or haven't auditioned yet?"
"So far, you're the only one who showed up today. We held auditions for the students yesterday, but you knocked them all out of the park, not only in agility and stamina, but also appearance. Any of our stragglers today will unfortunately be turned away."
"I see."
"Don't worry too much about it, Mr. Freddy. We'll call you when we're ready for you."
The cheetah posed for what seemed like the thousandth picture that was taken of him.
They were mostly headshots, but there were a few full-body shots of him dressed like a student of the school, posing with other models who may or may not have been actual students of Kepston.
The man from the interview entered the room, appearing behind the camera. It was hard for Russell to tell, the lighting behind the camera was extremely dim compared to the floodlights he'd been standing in for hours.
"Yes, I can see it now," the cheetah's now-manager said. "Meet the new face of Kepston University: Russell the Kepston Cheetah!"
The photographer finally took notice of him.
"Take five." The manager said. The photographer silently nodded and walked to a nearby table of prepared sandwiches.
"Enjoying the spotlight, Mr. Freddy?" He asked.
"It's nice. I'll be honest, there's more fanfare to it than I thought there'd be, but I like it."
"Very good. Speaking of that, we will probably want to keep your surname from the public. Every mascot in the past hasn't revealed their real identity and has performed for us anonymously. However, you came with a different set of circumstances. If someone asks your name, you are NOT Russell Freddy, you're Russell the Kepston Cheetah. Your family name will stay mum with the board. That also said, you may want to keep this job from friends and family."
"Makes sense."
"Alright then, the football team is in the middle of their training for the season. Would you like to meet them after the photo shoot?"
"I'd love to."
The manager and cheetah made their way to the Kepston Football Field.
"Go hide by the bleachers. I want to give you a more exciting entrance." The man said.
The man went over to the football coach and started speaking to him. Russell couldn't hear them, but he assumed the manager had just asked the coach to pause training for a moment, and to get the attention of the players. Once the area quieted down, he was able to hear the manager a little better.
"Afternoon, everyone. I came out here today to give you guys exciting news. Now, you know that unfortunately, Pete the Cheetah had to retire as your mascot last year. He's gone on to greener pastures."
The football players silently stared at the man. Some had no idea about the loss of their previous mascot.
"Today, as a special treat for you guys, I'd like to reveal your new mascot early, before the rest of the Kepston student body arrives for the fall semester. Everyone, meet your new cheetah: Russell!"
The cheetah took that as his cue to run onto the field. The football players saw the very realistic-looking cheetah and had the same surprised looks on their faces as the men did at the interview.
"Hello, guys!" Russell grinned.
"HOLY CRAP HIS MOUTH ACTUALLY MOVES!" cried one of the players.
"Dude, his fur looks so real. Is that even a suit?"
"Uh-" Russell was interrupted.
"Now now, we must not ask him too much. Mascots are always shrouded in secrecy, aren't they? How he looks so real is his business and his alone."
As the manager continued speaking, the cheetah noticed one of the players started rubbing his arm.
"The fur's so soft! How do you make your muzzle move?" The player asked, moving his fingers up Russell's cheek.
"Please stop touching my face." Russell kindly requested.
"Now that you're all acquainted with Russell, we must both be off. Keep working hard, Cheetahs. Don't wanna lose your first home game of the season in a few weeks!"
The two continued walking and talking as they traversed the campus back to Russell's car.
"So, what did you think of the team?"
"Friendly, if not a little curious. One of them started touching me."
The manager laughed.
"It's hard not to control that urge, Mr. Freddy. Some of the men in the interview mentioned to me they wanted to do the same thing, especially after you took your shirt off."
Russell chuckled and blushed.
"What about the team jersey? Like the colors?"
"I do."
"Great. Like all teams, there are two jersey types, one for home games, and another for away games. You'll have one for each yourself as you perform your routine in our halftime shows. There'll be variants in tank top form for the basketball games in the spring semester."
The man fished through his pockets, finding a piece of paper.
"Here, we had an artist do a mockup of how you'd look."
Russell looked at the sketch. It was rather well-drawn, almost a picture-perfect depiction of himself, based on the photo he'd given with his resume before the interview. The cheetah grinned as he saw the drawing of himself posing in the Kepston Cheetahs jersey.
A pit formed in his stomach however, when he noticed that the jersey was all he was wearing. No pants, no shorts, the drawing of Russell was in the buff from the waist down. Between his legs was an undetailed patch of fur in the crotch area.
"Uhhh...why am I not wearing any pants?" The cheetah asked.
"Oh, that's how it's always been done. Every animal mascot, not just here at Kepston, but every college, doesn't wear any pants, just the team's jersey. It'd be tough to break that tradition."
The cheetah was speechless for a moment.
"...I see. So, I can't wear them during the games?"
"Not really, no. I mean, it's not like you've got anything down there to cover up anyway, right?" The manager laughed.
Russell smiled to hide his horror.
"Right."
Russell sat in his apartment. It had finally hit him like a ton of bricks that no one at the college actually had any idea that he was a real cheetah, and not just a really dedicated human in a realistic suit.
But he'd already signed a contract and everything. He was to perform at every home game and cheer on the team at every away game for the football and basketball teams completely bottomless.
How was he going to hide himself from the crowd? Of course he had genitals. Who didn't?
On top of that, he was going to be standing with the cheerleaders for the second half of every game and the entirety of the away games, which consisted mostly of women. To have them get an up-close and personal look at his private area every single game would be pretty embarrassing.
In the following days, he went to the campus to practice his choreographed routines he was to do at half time and between some plays. The cheerleaders would often watch him move and tailor their own routine to match his.
He spent the following nights looking at himself in his full-body mirror, in just a tank top. He tried to figure out ways to hide his genitalia. His rear end was easy enough, all he had to do was lower his tail to cover the crack between the cheeks. He quietly dismissed the idea of masking tape the same color as his fur, it'd look just as unsightly and the ordeal of removing it afterward was not something he'd want to even think of. Makeup might have been an idea, it'd mask the pink head of his penis but wouldn't really hide the fact that a penis was there. A jockstrap cup would hide everything well enough, but it'd need to be painted the same color as his fur, and then there was the issue of tape again. The tape certainly would've been able to give way during a backflip, or fall off after being covered in sweat, which would eat away at whatever other adhesive he could think of.
It all seemed futile. The only realistic covering was something he suddenly wasn't allowed to wear. It looked like he just had to face the music and watch the trainwreck unfold from the very first home football game.
Russell sat alone in the locker room. He had on the special jersey made for him, with "RUSSELL" written on the back, and two zeroes underneath. He looked down at the jockstrap he'd soon have to remove.
He continued to cringe at the fact that he was going to have to expose himself to not just the thousands of people in the football stadium, but any video camera that happens to catch him for the thousands more watching on local TV. Even worse, he could imagine the following day's newspaper quickly spiraling towards him, showing a black and white picture of him running out into the stadium with a black bar covering his privates with a silly headline: "NEW CHEETAH MASCOT PERFORMS BALLS TO THE WALL ROUTINE (LITERALLY)"
Quietly, he slipped out of his jockstrap, and placed it in the locker designated for him, along with his other clothes. He wasn't sure if he was going to even come back to it afterward tonight.
He walked through the entrance the football players used earlier when they entered the field at the beginning of the game. He kept his tail down to cover his rear end, and held his jersey down over his crotch with one hand, using the other hand to cover himself. He uncomfortably stood there, in the chilly night air, waiting for his cue.
"OKAY, KEPSTON! IT'S HALFTIME, AND WE WANT YOU TO GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO YOUR NEW MASCOT, WHO IS READY TO GIVE YOU AN EXCITING SHOW! KEEP YOUR NOISE GOING FOR RUSSELL, THE KEPSTON CHEETAH!"
The crowd roared tremendously. Now was the time for him to run out. The energetic music he'd been practicing to started to play over the loudspeakers.
Russell stopped covering himself, and quickly ran out onto the field into the floodlights, so he wouldn't miss the timing on his moves.
At first, the crowd simply saw a blur of a running cheetah. It was hard for their eyes to keep track of him, as he never stopped moving.
Russell did his somersaults, backflips, cartwheels, all with his trademark dance moves in between. He silently cursed at gravity, feeling his genitals flopping around as he performed his moves, making them even more obvious.
Soon enough, the audience, coach, cheerleaders, and football players standing aside finally noticed. There was a penis and scrotum flailing around between their mascot's legs as he moved to the music.
Some put their hands over their mouths in awe. Some grinned and laughed. Some pointed. Most, however, seemed to continue cheering him on.
"GO RUSSELL! SO AWESOME!" was one of the things his ears were able to pick out in the wall of noise.
The music ended immediately after his last set of backflips. He posed, much like he did in that sketch that was given to him by his manager.
There was a brief moment of silence once the music ended, followed by an uproar of cheers from the crowd.
His acknowledgement of the cheering, however, was short-lived, as immediately after his pose, two security guards grabbed him and carried him away from the stadium.
Russell stood there, in the holding cell. He was covering himself with his hands again. His manager entered the police station, and approached the cell. He didn't look happy.
"You."
The cheetah, also rather angered, looked at his manager, ready for anything he was going to say to him.
"Why. Why would you, on your DEBUT GAME, make a joke out of everything?"
"Joke? I came out onto the field wearing what you wanted me to wear!"
"Yeah, along with a set of fake genitals!"
"FAKE?"
The cheetah moved his hands away from his crotch again, to show his manager.
"You think my penis and scrotum are fake?"
The manager was taken aback once he saw them. The cheetah could only surmise that he was too far away during the show, or just didn't have a good look.
"If it didn't occur to you then and there, I'm not some guy in a suit. I was baffled every time you and your team of men started talking about a suit. It only hit me once you said you didn't want me to wear pants that you had no idea!"
The cheetah removed his jersey, standing in front of his manager completely naked, separated only by the cell bars.
"Let me spell it out for you. I. Am. A. Cheetah. A real cheetah. YOUR CLASSIFIED AD ASKED FOR A CHEETAH!"
Russell crossed his arms and stared at his manager, who was now at a loss for words. He understandably didn't want to stare back at his naked employee.
After a minute or so, he finally spoke.
"...We'll bail you out. We'll get you your clothes. I'm going to have to claim responsibility for all this to the press tomorrow."
"You'd better. I don't want to have a criminal record because of my boss's misunderstanding of who he hired."
"Understood...I'm sure you know, despite all of that, your performance was well-received by everyone. We might have some complaints tomorrow, but everyone in the stadium either loved it because they thought it was intentionally comedic, or because they loved your moves."
"I kinda saw that...before your security guards ambushed me."
"Yeah...we'll make a matching pair of pants and shorts for your jerseys and tank tops for the next games."
The newspaper headline the following morning:
"UNIVERSITY CHEETAH MASCOT BACKFLIPS INTO STUDENT BODY'S HEARTS (AND PANTS, OR LACK THEREOF)"