The Ballad of Phillip: Chapter 6
#6 of The Ballad of Phillip
Author's Note: Thanks to my friends, watchers, and viewers. You guys are great!
The Ballad of Phillip
Chapter 6: January 1996-March 1996
1996 was the end of an era. Over the years, I've found it easier to talk about this period of my life, but it still saddens me every time I think about it. The year started off the same way 1995 ended, Aaron dwelled in despair over finding a new record label and my band was about to break up. We were supposed to release our final single, which we decided to call "Farewell (We Won't Forget You)", after New Years', but we kept putting it off. To release this single would mean the end of the band and despite all of the animosity between Eric and Vlad it was hard to let the band go. Yet we knew it had to end. We decided to meet again in February, hoping then we can agree on a release date and a final appearance on TV to announce the break up.
Meanwhile, things with Aaron didn't change. He was still too upset to cuddle or have sex and conversation went nowhere. I tried to talk to him one night about how I felt and his response was "go paw off and hug a pillow or something."
"What did I do wrong?", I asked, ears pinned down and on the verge of tears.
"I'm just not in the mood, okay?", Aaron said, annoyed.
"You're never in the mood and you haven't been in the mood for months. I can't even get a hug from you!", I shouted.
"You're overreacting", he said.
"No I'm not!", I said.
"Just calm down", Aaron said.
I got so upset with him that we broke up yet again for about two weeks. The band met in February and we agreed on a March 9 release date for our final single. I felt pretty bummed out knowing the exact date the band was to be no more. I tried to confide in Aaron when we made up again for the umpteenth time, but all he wanted to talk about was how he was worth way more than any of the proposed salaries the record companies were offering. I tried to convince him to just pick one and I was confident they would pay him more once the album sold millions of copies like I knew it would, but he didn't listen to me.
It may seem odd to you, dear reader, why I would keep coming back to this guy after all of our fights, but the answer is simple. I thought he was the only guy who would ever love me. I had no confidence in myself that I would ever win over a new guy, so that's why I stayed with Aaron for so long. Yet when March came I asked myself, "does he even love me anymore?" He said he still did, but he certainly didn't show it, preferring to pout and whine about how everyone pissed him off instead of cuddle or kiss. He just became this really sour, negative fox the likes of which I had never seen from him. He always had anger issues, his former bandmates could attest to that, but now it was like he was always angry and couldn't turn it off. Our relationship was dying, but yet I kept hoping that one day everything would be like it was before back in the early days when we were deeply in love and we didn't fight. But those days were gone and weren't coming back.
Of all the days in 1996, I think I hate March 8 the most. Why? Because that's when it all ended. The day started off okay, woke up, had breakfast, watched TV, but then the whole day went downhill the moment I met up with my soon to be former bandmates at RKF's record pressing plant. We all decided to meet there to hand over the master tape to be copied over to vinyl records and cassette tapes. Still not sure why Eric had us do this, but I could see sadness in his face as he gave a little speech.
"Guys, this it. Tomorrow the last Travellers record goes out and then we'll get on the Late Show with Sir Todd to announce our breakup. It was fun working with you guys, except for you Vlad you're a dick. All in all we made great music together and the fans love us. It's going to be hard saying goodbye to them. I, however, won't find it hard to say goodbye to Vlad though", Eric said.
"Fuck you Eric, you're the reason we're breaking up", Vlad said
"Whatever. Goodbye, see you tomorrow night at the show", Eric said, leaving the building.
I bowed my head and sighed. Right up until the last minute Eric just had to be an asshole. The rest of us left a few minutes after him. I was feeling really bummed out, so I decided to go over to Aaron's for some comfort. Little did I know that I was about to get anything but comfort. I knocked on the door and he let me in. He had a scowl on his face, holding an envelope in his hand. Once I walked in he launched into a rant about the contents of the letter.
"These fucking cheap bastards! J Street records are a bunch of fucking cheap ass sons of whores who don't know talent when they see it. A 100,000 Fox Pounds? The fuck is that! That's what you pay some new group you just discovered at a dive bar, not the best rock guitarist who has ever lived!", Aaron shouted.
"Honey, calm down", I said.
"Oh what, you want me to be like a cheap prostitute and just take what people give me? You are so stupid! Is that what you would do if you were me?", Aaron said.
"I would just take the money now", I replied
"Well, you apparently have no sense of self-worth", Aaron said.
"What the hell Aaron?!", I shouted.
"How come you never see things my way?", Aaron said.
"Maybe because you're stubborn. I keep giving you advice and you won't take it", I said.
"Well, you never took my advice did you? You're still in the damn closet and I have to go lie my fucking ass off everytime someone asks me if we're a couple. I tell them we're 'just friends', and I hate having to say that Phillip!", Aaron said.
"So that's why you don't show any affection towards me. You're still angry because I don't want to hold paws with you and make out with you in public. That's it isn't? It was never about some record companies wanting to give you less money", I said.
"To be honest, I haven't had the urge to fuck or cuddle you in a long time. So yeah, maybe I am upset with you. I finally have a guy who wants to be my long-term boyfriend, but I can't tell anyone that he's my boyfriend! I'm pissed at the record companies, but I'm more upset with you. I just didn't want to tell you how disappointed I am in you", Aaron said.
"Disappointed?! And you're punishing me by not showing me affection because I don't want to live out your openly gay, romantic fantasies with you? That's petty Aaron", I said.
"Truth hurts, that's why I didn't want to tell you", Aaron said.
"Well, I don't want to come out!", I said.
"Why because you think all gay people should hide? Get over it Phillip, geez", Aaron said
"I just can't come out, I'm too scared", I said.
"I know some therapists, maybe they can help you", Aaron said.
"No way I'm not seeing a shrink! Maybe you need a therapist for your anger?", I said.
"You're a lost cause Phillip, there's no getting through to you", Aaron said.
"Well there's no getting through to you either, Mr. 'I'm worth a fortune and I like to keep pushing my boyfriend to come out!'", I said.
"You're impossible", Aaron said.
"So are you", I said, "I can't believe you think I'm a disappointment"
"I didn't say you were a 'disappointment' I said I'm disappointed in you as in I'm disappointed in your behavior. What the hell Phillip?!", Aaron said.
"Well maybe I'm disappointed in yours too? You're always so negative all the time and now I know it's because you're being a whiny little bitch about me staying in the closet", I said.
Aaron just glared at me, not saying a word.
"You know what fuck this I can't take this shit anymore I'm breaking up with you", I said.
"Like I haven't heard that a million times", Aaron said.
"It's permanent this time", I said.
"You'll be back. You always come back", Aaron said.
"Not this time", I said and ran out of the apartment.