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LAST TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: There was dinner, and sexytime that I'm skipping because if you want explicit, weird sex, there's always Just Once or Oh, College, and I simply don't feel like it

Having become exhausted after kinky sex we're not going into detail about, Albus, Morry, Chip and Silas went to bed for the night. Their wakeup call wasn't a delicious breakfast, getting head, or even unpleasant-but-regular things like the sun in their eyes or an alarm clock. Instead, it was a full-on attack by a zombie horde. Someone over a loudspeaker started explaining the situation to people who don't already give a wank. "Attention everyone: WE'RE COMPLETELY FUCKED!!! A massive-ass zombie horde is on its fucking way here right fucking now, and we have 30 minutes to prepare! Everybody who's still asleep WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!" and then he let out a high-pitched, effeminate squeal of fear, as you could hear the speaker pissing and shitting his pants in fear.

"eeeeeennngh please just don't wake me up this early after the physical exhaustion of last night" Albus moaned, making the kind of face you make when you're high and displeased. He noticed, though, that Morrigan had her arms around him in a manner that seemed protective. This made Albus feel comforted, lovestruck and sexually aroused. I really don't want to wake her up or get out of bed. Please tell me you can handle this yourself Albus thought, as the speaker said "We CANNOT handle this ourselves, and we NEED you, Albus and Morrigan! We've heard stories about both of you, and it's time to prove that the legends are true! Also, my mom's not around to make me feel safe anymore". "Clawhauser, do you NOT know when to shut the fuck up and let m-THERE'S A WHAT THE FUCK NOW ON THE WAY HERE!?" Morrigan blurted, fully waking everybody up, as she noticed the way she was holding Albus, and backed off. Bullshit. Also, Clawhauser survived the zombie apocalypse? Wonder who he had to blow to get people to protect and care for him Albus thought to himself, having not been endeared to by Clawhauser's demeanor yet.

They each spent their 30 minutes in their own way. Albus modified the breech-loaded grenade launchers so that they could be welded onto the shotguns as attachments, and did just that. The triggers for the launchers were moved farther back, the chambers opened up to load the grenades, and the handles and stocks were removed. Chip ran to the protection of his boyfriend, a bear (in species, sexual orientation (gay) and behavior) named Ivakov. Silas brought out A FUCKING MINIGUN mounted on what used to be a rideable lawnmower. Morrigan sharpened her claws and teeth, modified with metal plating, extension and serration. Albus started running into position to fight the zombies, finally feeling a sense of urgency and going "SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK MUST KILL ZOMBIES SAVE PEOPLE RRRRAAAAGH!!!!", roaring a little and going completely ape-shit.

They got to the gates, where the zombies were headed. He got out his trusty sniper rifle and Morrigan brought out a home-made weapon straight out of Wayne LaPierre's wet dream: a huge fucking automatic/semi-automatic rifle that fired 65 caliber bullets and had a liquid cooling mechanism operated by the gas-operated slide. WRITER'S NOTE: Anyone who thinks that I'm too detailed with how I describe the tech needs to get fucking used to it, because how things work is kind of a writing fixation of mine, along with the characters' voices and Bellwether being Satan's little whore. BACK TO THE STORY. Then they saw a zombie horde that reminded Albus of Black Friday shoppers, only less savage and more tactful in their procedure. Silas shouted "Open fire when they get within range" and then Albus started exploding undead (not technically; weaponized rabies) heads with his rifle, Morrigan gave them a nice cleansing shower of RED HOT LEAD, and so did Silas.

Albus then took note of what was happening to the horde. It started out with about 300 zombies about 100 meters away from the gate. During the first 25 meters, 25 zombies died. During the next 25, 50 did. They were 75 meters in, 25 away, and during that stretch of time, 100 did. _Time for some pointless math. They're closing in on us, but the casualty rate doubles every 25 meters. God, I love the metric system. Currently, they suffered 175 casualties, leaving 125 remaining. At the current rate, 200 will die when they-NEGATIVE NUMBERS! WE'RE GONNA BE FINE! _Albus thought, before noticing that the zombie-killing actually slowed down a bit. There were about 70 that made it to the gate, as he kept firing the shotguns and grenade launchers, before asking "WHO HAS A FEW FUEL TANKS OR EXPLOSIVE RED BARRELS!?"

"What in the actual fuck are you planning to do!?" Morrigan asked, as people brought out a few. "Throw them into the horde and detonate them! It'll light up the walkers and we'll survive!" He shouted to nobody in particular. They threw the fuel tanks over, and as the zombies were doing that World War Z movie adaptation thing and climbing the wall through the sheer power of stacking objects, detonated them. Most of them burned to death right there, but a few made it over the fence. One bloke got infected, but shot himself after saying "Nuh uh! I am not going out as one of you motherfuckers! See you all in hell!". One tried to bite Albus, but that only slightly damaged the leather over-armor he was wearing, and he simply kicked the zombie off, grabbed its head, flipped it and curb-stomped it on the edge of the wall. "Was that really necessary?" Morry asked? "No, but it was PURE LION AWESOME INCARNATE WOOO I AM AWESOME!" He replied. They turned the zombies into fertilizer for the garden, and didn't bother noticing that the sounds they made attracted an even larger horde, which you can probably guess right away is going to fuck shit up.

NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: Zombies fuck shit up.