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LAST TIME ON JUST ONCE: A very lovely first day of class.

Albus and Dev were walking down the hallway to the cafeteria. Albus turned his head to face Dev and asked "Our just automatically holding hands..." "What about it?" "Did it mean anything?" "We'll find out eventually, but for now, just don't question it. This is the worst time to question it." "Why?" "Try that shit in the lunch room and you'll see why." They walked into the cafeteria and were immediately greeted with an absolute clusterfuck of sights and sounds straight out of a Tom Bunk "A MAD Look At" drawing. Those are fucking awesome, btw. No issue of MAD is complete without at least one Tom Bunk drawing. Anyways, one thing that Albus noticed was that he had quite the habit of picking up any and every perceptible stimulus within his proximity. He kind of had a scientifically-plausible Spidey Sense. You tend to get that when you spend several years under threat of attack by bullies non-stop.

He saw 7 guys and 6 girls cop cheap feels within the span of 30 seconds. Only one of them got slapped, and it was a dude, a muscular black Horse with white spots on his fur. He noticed an interaction between a spindly Blue Jay and a well-endowed cheerleader Raccoon. The Raccoon asked the Blue Jay to buy her lunch, he declined, she flashed her titties at him, and he immediately gave her all the money he had on him. About an eighth of the densely-packed (the mass looked halfway between a Black Friday sale and a zombie horde) denizens of the lunchroom immediately swung their heads in her direction and proceeded to ogle her tits until she put her shirt back down.

"What the fuck do you people think you're looking at!?" she shouted. Impulsively, Albus replied, shouting as well, "What you showed off in public, and is worth our attention!" Then the Horse from earlier, who was the one that got slapped for copping a cheap feel, said to her "You know, you kind of owe me SOMETHING in return for not telling everybody your little secret, and I know JUST how you can pay me back." Albus then ran in his direction, jumped up in the air, and kicked him in the nuts in midair with both his foot-paws at the same time. The Horse went tumbling to the ground, and banged his head on a table. "That qualifies as coercing her into sex. which is a form or rape, legally AND practically speaking. Therefore, she could simply repay you by not pressing charges for attempted rape, and I could avoid doing so if you just take what you've earned like the macho man you were pretending to be." Dev then grabbed Albus by the collar and dragged him over to the lunch counter. "I think it's time for us to start eating" he said. "Yeah."

A female Owl wearing horn-rimmed glasses was working the counter. She had the kind of body that's more than fuckable, but considered fat and ugly by the standards of body-shaming guttercunts. WRITER'S NOTE: As a dude who likes the ladies (bi), I can say that if the people who body-shame are going to keep being assholes and demanding that they only get laid by people who look like pornstar Barbies, they can feel free to send them over to me and I'll at least TRY to show them a good time. CRITICIZED BODY-SHAMING AND ANNOUNCED SEXUAL AVAILABILITY!!! DOUBLE WHAMMY!!! BACK TO THE STORY. Anyways (now the previous sentence is relevant), Albus looked up at the lunch menu, saw exactly what he wanted within a tenth of a second out of enough menu items to make most grocery stores near-obsolete, looked at the Owl to tell her his order, noticed her tits (again, her tits are fine, but they are the kind that fuckwad body-shamers call tiny), and was immediately mesmerized as though he was a little kid watching Pokemon.

Dev then called him out on it. "You know he's ogling your boobs, right?" Then our little Horse friend, now wearing an ice-pack strapped to his groin, walked by and remarked "Not much to ogle, boy." "No, no. There's plenty, and now I feel like the good guy for getting hypnotized by her boobies until you got my attention. Well done. You don't deserve to get laid." The Owl then replied "No, it's fine. I know I'm not all that attractive, but at least-" and of course, never being one to pass up a chance to speak his mind (she's hot), do something he views as morally right (try and help someone get over their irrational insecurities), and get something for himself out of it (he might get laid) in one fell swoop, he interrupted, saying "YES YOU FUCKING ARE! In fact I'd ask you to have sex with me, but I don't think that's socially appropriate right now, is it?"

Albus then turned to the rest of the patrons of the cafeteria. "Come on guys! You would KNOW she's hot if you'd just stop demanding every woman to have to look like a Victoria's Secret model POST-Photoshop just to be considered attractive!" Then he got back to the "something for himself" part. "And if you don't want her, then more for me, I hope." She replied "Maybe I'll stop by your dorm room later. Thanks for that, I guess, by the way." "It's nothing, really. As in, I'm not trying to act all humble and shit. I just did what a decent fucking human being does, and get offended by body-shaming. Then there's the 'I also want to get laid' personal gain aspect." "At least you're honest and upfront with me." WRITER'S NOTE: Yes, I do sometimes have sexual fantasies involving situations like these, but they're followed near-immediately by sex in them, and here, they most certainly aren't, so there you go. BACK TO THE STORY.

Then he ordered a large soda, a hot dog with ketchup, three cupcakes, and some macaroni and cheese. "That's not exactly a healthy meal, Albus. I'm pretty sure that has more calories than most Southern cuisine combined with every fast food chain COMBINED with-" As Dev was talking, Albus interrupted with "It's alright. I just have that fast of a metabolism. It's kind of a part of why I can be all scrawny but still do that kung-fu nut kick." "Oh." I don't really give a shit about telling you what Dev ordered, because I can't think of a way to make that remotely relevant. They walked over to one of the cafeteria tables, metal picnic tables covered in profanities and rhymes pertaining to sex and violence, carved into the metal or written in Sharpie. They sat down right next to each other, Dev shuffling just a bit away from Albus to avoid another "incident" before he figures out how he really feels about Albus.

Albus started eating the hot dog, proceeding to pretend he was fellating a dick. While this elicited laughter from nearly everybody who saw it, the Horse just screamed "I KNEW YOU WERE SOME KIND OF FAGGOT!" "I'm bi, so that word doesn't really makes sense. Also, I don't even know your name or give a shit about it, and I want to slam your head on something really hard." "Joriel Seamus, but the ladies call me Horsecock Joe, and for a good reason." "A: maybe they just mistook your ego for you dick, and B: you seem to have a boner from looking at my ass. By the way, I can see where your eyes are looking. "I AIN'T NO HOMO!" "You. Could. Be. BISEXUAL!!!"

Albus then moved onto the cupcakes. After eating the first one, he verbally expressed disappointment in his not being able to use it as a visual allegory for something sexual, and people laughed again, as Joe awkwardly scurried out of the room, having eaten no lunch. He shouted "Defs closet bi!" after eating the second one. As he was eating the third one, Dev copped a feel on Albus's ass and whispered "That's my way of saying 'yes, we will have sex.' You seem to enjoy it" as Albus choked on the cupcake a little, blushed like the girls in those hentai pictures people FOR FUCKING REAL use as their profile pictures sometimes for unfathomable fucking reasons, and got a little nose-bleed.Then he moved onto the macaroni and cheese, proceeding to mention wet-and-messy fetishism, before pretending his fingers were having sex. "I'll just go back to my dorm and wash my hands now." "I'll go with you." And then they left.

NEXT TIME ON JUST ONCE: Awkward moments even by just-before-losing-your-virginity standards.