Just Once: Banks are Just Lovely
#8 of Just Once
Aren't they now? No, they fucking aren't.
LAST TIME ON JUST ONCE: Proof that no matter how badly you fail at telling someone you love them, at least you remember to charge your phone before you go on a subway. You do, don't you? Fucking hell, you people just amaze me sometimes.
Albus walked towards a 50-story building, noting that most of the space in it was just taken up by rich people's penthouses anyways. He walked towards a set of automatic doors, and proceeded to look up at the sign above the place where he was going. Lannister Bank and Ice Cream Shop. Let's just hope that they actually charge sensibly small withdrawal fees. He then gave up hope of that because no matter how much he was withdrawing, the bank was run by, of course, a large corporation. As he walked towards one of the counters where the tellers sat there and waited for the work day to end, sometimes being slightly productive, he noticed that the teller he was going to actually have to interact with just so happened to be FUCKING NO!!! NOT THAT ABSOLUTE BITCH!!! NOT AGAIN!!!
Anyways, Wesha had this big, stupid-looking grin on her face as she asked "Account or loan?" "Account. Also, what's with that stupid grin? You look like you're faking an orgasm, only I'm getting vibes that you're afraid of orgasm." "They are simply another manifestation of lust and, as such, should be avoided if possible. Anyways, withdraw or deposit?" "Withdraw. I heard something about a very nice salary." She started to get angry, grit her teeth, and said "You've already been identified, and your account balance is currently ten million, fourteen thousand and sixty-four dollars and thirty-eight cents. The person who deposited it, though, put some...conditions on your being able to withdraw. Yes, that's legal now." "Which party made it so?" "guess." "Republicans." "You guessed it!" She started to giggle like she was high or some shit.
Then, a gang of twelve Otters carrying revolvers and wearing ski masks and Kevlar walked into the bank. Why didn't the security guards stop them? They were having trouble even holding the revolvers steady. One of them walked up to Wesha's counter and asked "Hey. Can you help me get up to the counter?" "You promise you won't try anything?" Albus had the same stupid grin that Wesha had earlier. "I promise on my mother's life." "Shit, bro. Alright." He lifted the Otter up to the counter, and after he struggled to keep his revolver from falling to the floor, he held it at Wesha's face. "JOKE'S ON YOU!!! I HAVE TWO DADS BITCH!!! Granted, they both died too, when I was just a kid, but I've since stopped giving any shits. So anyways, HAND OVER THE MO-"
Then Albus pulled the Otter's feet and threw him at his buddies. They were all knocked in different directions on impact, as if they were bowling pins. Albus then ran over to them, whereupon an Otter tried to shoot him in the head, but his grip slipped and he shot the ceiling, with one of the tiles falling on his head, probably killing him. Two others tried to aim their guns at him, but he threw again the Otter he threw before. They make great projectiles, don't they? They were both knocked back, being right next to each other, onto their backs. Five more then tried to take hostages, but all of them fought back. One attacked a Fennec Fox, who knew several martial arts, proceeding to break the Otter's neck easily. Another tried to attack a Snake of far-less-than-average length (height?), who simply bit him on the arm and watched him die of a grand mal seizure. Two more attacked a lion that looked like Mayor Lionheart's steroid-abusing love child with Freddy Krueger, and you can guess how that went over. The janitors, both hypocritical religious nuts, prayed later that day for his destruction. By the way, he lived more than fifty more years, so maybe they should have given Atheism a try. The last climbed up Albus's body, scratching him severely as he went along. As he tried to hold a gun to his temple, though, Albus simply bit his head right off and spat it out. Wesha had a look on her face like she had smelt someone else's really eggy fart, and was going all "I-I-I....JESUS CHRIST!!!" Then the German Shepherd from the last episode crashed through one of the automatic doors, having absolutely zero patience, and shot the remaining three with A FUCKING ASSAULT RIFLE!!! And I thought the US police were as militarized as they could get in the 2010s, but NOPE!
"Yeah. The conditions are simply that you go to Damien Shysha's house, and do exactly as he says once you get there and don't question it until you're already done doing it. I honestly don't want to know any of the details." I can't wait to find out about them Albus thought, this yet again appealing to at least one of his weird fetishes that probably don't even have their own Wikipedia page. Albus then ran towards the exit, and was grabbed by the throat by the German Shepherd. "Haven't we been HURK through this before?" Albus snarkily asked him. "What happened to the ones I didn't shoot?" Then the Bunny, also from the previous episode, whose mother was depositing into her account (to whom does that sound like a very abstract euphemism? As in "Yeah, I just...um...deposited into her...account"), said, DEFINITELY not at his quiet voice, "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM!!! He was throwing those mean old Otters when they tried to rob and hurt people, and IT WAS AWESOME!!!", it not actually being awesome because good fucking luck choreographing a huge fight scene with a few paragraphs to begin with, but some kids are just that easily impressed. Just look at the Garfield film's financial success. The kid then asked "Since he actually helped STOP the bad guys, why are you choking him?" Tightening his grip, the dog barked "THIS IS NOT CHOKING! The legal precedent has ALREADY BEEN SET, so why don't you just-" and then he was tased in the ass by the Polar Bear he was working with, also from the last episode. "Sorry about my partner. He's just bat-shit. We all go a little mad sometimes, though." "Yeah, but most of us don't go shower-murder levels of mad. He definitely did." "No, but he was close." "Too close." Then Albus got on his way to Damien's house, walking into a limousine that had been waiting there the whole time for him, apparently.
NEXT TIME ON JUST ONCE: Yes, I actually get off to this, if you're wondering.