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LAST TIME ON JUST ONCE: Exactly how your first date ISN'T supposed to go, complete with still being in the friendzone at the end of it

"I kind of have to go somewhere," Jem said, "so I can't really drop you off back at home." "It's alright! I'm gonna see how much money I have now and maybe buy a fancy mansion or something." Albus replied as he thought I wonder if I could pay someone to tell her how I feel. Maybe I should try a way where I don't have to look at her and get all stressed out that I'm not good enough for her. I KNOW! TEXTING!!! while walking over to a stairway down to a subway station. The sign above it was covered in graffiti. One person had written "The cake is a lie", and another replied "Kill urself fag", because this is what happens when people are completely anonymous. They turn into disinhibited shitheads. WRITER'S NOTE: Yes, I am talking about Youtube comments. The one that stuck with me the most was "drink bleach furfag" by, presumably, the best legal argument out there for legalizing post-term abortion in cases of incest, simply by means of existing. BACK TO THE STORY. Another was just some crazy rant that talked about how the government is run by a secret shadow government, without mentioning that lobbying firms and large corporations aren't exactly all that hidden. Also, the rant said that it consisted of a bunch of robots.

Albus read that and thought you know, this would be a perfect summary of your average Youtube comments section with a few more things written. We have shitty pop culture references that are beyond outdated, people calling other people things that would get them a kick in the nuts IRL, and we have insane conspiracy theorists. All it's missing is a bunch of people getting offended over stupid microaggressions, people telling other people to kill themselves over completely fucking benign hobbies and interests, and spam comments linking you to some horrifying video or a virus, and you've got your average Youtube comments section!, before finally walking down into the subway station. It had even MORE graffiti on it, and he saw written on the walls "The government should start massacring people who like synth-pop en masse" phrased in various ways, somebody using the word "bitch" in a non-gender-binary context and being replied to by someone telling them that they belong in jail for using a fucking word, and "Stop by the abandoned warehouse by the UTI building for some REAL fun", and then he thought NOW we have the Youtube comments section of most videos in graffiti form, not realizing that there were still no copy-paste ASCII drawings to fill in the missing pieces.

He walked past various people with their own things to say to people other than him, which he couldn't help but hear and understand as he passed by. There was a Hyena laughing like a maniac and then shouting a racist joke about bunnies that goes like this: "What's a bunny's best defense against muggers? BEING BROKE!!! HEHEHEHEHHAHAHAHAAA". There was a Lion in a wife beater and khaki shorts that went over there and punched him right in the jaw, with an audible CRACK! and plenty of blood, followed by "My wife's a bunny, you redneck twat", followed itself by an obese Crocodile with a southern accent shouting "WATCHA CALLIN US YOU LIL PUFFERFUCK!?" ("pufferfuck" is a racial slur used to refer to animals with lots of hair on their head that ended a visible distance away from their heads. This includes Lions, Sheep, Poodles, and so on), and then a male Sheep with fur dyed pink, purple and blue (bi pride flag colors) kicked him in the nuts, saying "Don't you EVER use that word AGAIN!" in an effeminate voice. "AAAANGH YOU DID NOT YEW LIL PANSY!" he shouted, and the Sheep replied "Who gives a fuck if I'm not straight and not all manly and shit!? And FYI, I'm bi, and that word technically refers to effeminate gay men, so please just maybe make sure what you're saying even-", and then the Crocodile snapped at his face, causing him to flinch and jump back. "EH HEH HEH YEW STILL A SISSY!!!" The Crocodile taunted, and then everybody started calling everybody else something offensive in some form or another, and then some people started punching THOSE people for their offensive language, and then subway security took note, and continued eating their donut-and-cookie sandwiches, not giving any shits. Albus nimbly dodged his way through the clusterfuck of violence, and made it into the subway car just as the subway was leaving.

Once he got down there, he sat down. You can do this. Just don't let yourself be scared away. He then started writing a text to her. "Jem, I really need to tell you something. I've been just friends with you for way too long. Every day that you're not with me as more than that is a day that feels empty. I want you by my side, so that I can hold you, and we can face anything that happens after that no matter what, because then, at least we'll have each other. Please, PLEASE tell me you feel the same way about me. I need you so much right now. I need something more than just a friendship with you right now. Plz? <3 T_T [an emoji that looks like a bunch of flowers over a heart goes here]". He was about to hit send when he visualized what might happen, from his point of view. She could not even want a relationship, or she could even be into someone else, and then that'll just ruin our friendship, and I won't even have that. Just accept what happens after you send this, Albus. Just accept it, don't look back, and- and then the battery on his phone ran out.

"WHY THE FUCKING HELL DIDN'T I CHARGE THIS THING BEFORE I LEFT HOME!? I AM A FUCKING RETARD, AREN'T I,...rest of the bus, full of people looking at me like I'm crazy...I was just about to tell the person I was into since I was 10 how I felt about her, and the battery on my phone ran out." he blurted, and people's looks went from "Whatevs" to "You're fucking mental" to "aww you poor thing T_T". Then he started sobbing hysterically, and then a little bunny, probably about 10, just like he was when he first felt that way about her, or about anyone, walked up to him. "I didn't know that grown-ups have those problems too. I really like this ferret girl over there," he said, pointing towards a ferret about his age, "but my mommy says I should just stay friends with her". "Well, your mom is completely full of shit. That's what my dad said about Jem, basically. I could have had her by my side when I was only 10 fucking years old, but-" "But what? Please, stop swearing in front of my son" his mother, who overheard the whole thing, said.

"Now I might die without her, given that chance has never been on my side until yesterday, and this city is full of things that could potentially kill me. Just tell her EXACTLY how you feel while you have the chance." Albus replied. "Please, mother of this ADORABLE THING AWW, don't make the same mistake my father made", and then she started to cry a little, and pulled him over to her. "I guess I was wrong. Now go tell her how you feel. Come on. You can do it!" she said. "HEY! Miss ferret lady, about 10 I'm guessing, that bunny who says he's a friend of yours has a crush on you" He shouted, pointing at the girl. The bunny and the ferret hugged, and then kissed on the mouth in just such an adorable way, and then Albus shouted "YOU'RE WELCOME! Did me some good too. Now I feel like I've helped someone for once in my life."

Then the subway finally arrived at its stop. A police officer, a German Shepherd with a thick Austrian accent and a deep voice, grabbed him by the shoulder as he walked out, dragged him to a wall, threw him against it, got all up in his face, and shouted "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BELLWEATHER!?" Albus replied "I know what I read about in history books. I also know that she has exactly the kind of personality traits that I saw in my dad's boss, and now I see in you, and those are ones I hate with a passion." Albus decided that he wouldn't mention the exception he made for his own weird fetish. "And those would be?" The officer asked, holding a taser to Albus's groin"

"POLICE BRUTALITY!!!" he shouted, causing another officer, a polar bear with a very deep voice and a German accent, to turn to give him a dirty look and say "One more and it's your job, Syph". The German Shepherd backed away, and Albus said "The ones that made you fucking hold a taser to my nuts and back me against a wall. Those are a need to always have your way, determination to get it at any cost, and a complete lack of regret or remorse for how you achieved it". Then he walked out of the subway station, doing a Leo strut ("put you elbow up tight/take a step to the right/turn your head to the side/smile real, real wide/LEO STRUT! What what what what what!" I almost forgot the fifth "what" as I wrote this) as he walked over to the stairs (the song is now stuck in my head, and no, I don't mind at all), and then jogged up the stairs, and went back to the Leo strut as he walked towards the bank.

NEXT TIME ON JUST ONCE: Maybe you should be grateful that nothing much happens when you go to the bank, other than the teller fucking you over a picket fence, mostly just figuratively.