Just Once: Time for an Awkward Coffee Shop Date
#6 of Just Once
And you thought YOUR first date was awkward. Try being still friendzoned.
LAST TIME ON JUST ONCE: Albus lost his virginity! Woo! *high fives audience*
After a coffee-less breakfast, Albus and Jem decided to get some coffee. Also, Albus wanted one of your usual coffee shop's delicious rice crispies. Thus, they got in Jem's fancy car, one that belongs in an Audi designer's wet dream, and Albus was all like "HOW DO YOU AFFORD THIS!?" "Both of us make $2 million a year now" "We what the fuck now!? So we can move into an actually nice place instead of the little apartment I've been living in?" That mansion from the first episode, by the way, WAS just a dream, in case you thought he actually had it, and either missed or forgot that part, which I added in AFTER I published it, because I'm just a fucking idiot sometimes.
He sat in the shotgun seat, and as his ass sank into the cozy-as-hell seat, he let out a moan of pleasure. "aaaaaaah this seat is soooooo cozy" "You just moaned like a pornstar. Why?" "Because that seat is so fucking cozy" She started driving. As they drove, they saw many things. They saw a flame war IRL take place just outside a music shop, complete with some actual violence, between several identical-looking Kangaroos over what the best Gazelle album was. They saw a rattlesnake running a charity drive getting dirty looks all around. They saw that ultra-effeminate bunny from the second episode finally score a few beefcakes. They even saw a cameo by someone from another story series of mine, Zombies are Wankers, by the name of Chip, the cynical gay raccoon. He was acting all frustrated and shit because the girly bunny scored and he didn't. "THEY PROBABLY HAVE AIDS, SYPHILIS AND EBOLA!!!" he shouted.
Then they finally got there. The name of the coffee shop was Resetti's Cawfee. Everybody just called it RC. Resetti never was good at spelling like a normal person, but who the fuck in their right mind would want to be normal anyways? Normal is boring as all fuck. Anyways, they got there, and saw a bunch of mammals and avians dressed in stereotypical hipster garb. I'm talking horn-rimmed glasses and everything. There was even some electro swing playing in the background. As a non-hipster, I like electro swing, because I'm just not the type to care what haters think anymore.
They looked around and saw a bunch of minimalist artwork of shit that nobody cares about, like some people dancing, or a vaguely phallic-shaped spaceship surrounded by a bunch of stick figures worshiping it. Why do those stick figures remind me so much of supermodels? They're not unrealistically well-endowed enough for me to understand he thought to himself. Also, why are so many straight guys the first to point out that things like that ship look like dicks? He started whistling while he was walking, in the way people usually do in cartoons when they're doing something overtly prohibited.
They walked up to the counter, and the person manning the counter was a Golden Retriever with Chis Tucker's annoyingly effeminate voice who went by the name Wyclef, but his friends called him Clef. "Welcome to RC! M'name's Wyclef, but y'all c'n call me Clef! Watcha want?" I don't want to hate you, because you're acting like such a good and friendly person to strangers, more than your job means you have to or even are encouraged to, even telling us your nickname, but good god! Your voice is annoying! Albus thought to himself, and then let slip past his tongue. "Well, at least SOMEBODY can just say that to m'face! Sorry if it bothers you. So, your order?" Clef looked not the least bit offended. "French vanilla decaf mocha with plenty of sugar and milk, please" Albus requested. Jem then followed up with "What kind of pumpkin spice-type things to you have?" "We have pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice soda, pumpkin spice candy bars, and Griffyn Layn's latest album, Pumpkin Spice, with his hit song, 'I've been working on the railroad (GL Remix)'" "I'll just have the coffee"
Out of nowhere, Albus remembered an old nursery rhyme that, along with Hansel and Gretel, showed that people in the days before the 20th century didn't give any shits about kid-friendliness. I mean, for fuck's sake! It's a children's story about a witch that cooks children alive and serves their flesh as pies to other humans. Just read it! After pointing that out, Albus was asked by Jem "Please sing or just speak to me the nursery rhyme". Albus then said "It's supposed to be sung with an Australian accent, but here it goes. Once there was a crocodile, hungry as could be/Cynical and sinister in every single way/Thinking that he never had to worry bout a thing/He hunted for some Otter-men just walking by the bay/Killed a little Otter-man, all in cold blood/Then his wee wife Charlie got a Chester and some shot/Couldn't stand by and let any further murder happen/Found him and his gang, and then she kilt the whole lot. Kinda depressing, huh? Not exactly the happiest of people."
Jem then quipped "I doubt that they would be when even the furniture could have died of dysentery." "That reminds me. People all the way back in the 1990s used to play the Oregon Trail games at school, and I've been playing them on an emulator. They're actually really fun. I don't see why that wasn't a thing at our school when we were learning about American history. I mean, the original settlers of Alistaria were from America. I wish we got school credit for playing fun video games like those." "Well, the past is the past. There's no use trying to change it, even if it WOULD be a good idea, and usually, it just causes something worse to happen, according to most science fiction about time travel." Isn't it lovely, what happens when two nerds get together?
"I remember reading this Star Wars time travel fan fiction. It's one where Darth Vader travels back in time and stops his past self from turning to the dark side, and convinces him to kill Palpatine. I know I'D go that far if I had to for my true love" Albus said. Jem replied "And who would that be?", and then Albus froze up and started stuttering, breathing deeply and heavily, making weird noises and awkwardly shuffling and squirming. "I-I-I-I-I don't know! Maybe sssssssssomeone that...rem-reminds me of...I think...ah...OH! Padme from Star Wars. Her relationship with Anakin is just so underrated, in m-m-m-my...op-p-p-pinion" "Is something wrong, Albus?" Jem asked. "I just thought of something between me and you, or something. I don't know. I just had this crazy thought that maybe we could try going out, and I know it's fucking insane, but it feels nice to think about it" "What's so insane about it" "It's really hard to explain, okay!? I'm not good with saying words!"
Then their coffee finally got there. It was given to them by a well-endowed female bunny with cream-colored fur, clearly no bra underneath her uniform, and large ears even by bunny standards. She heard the whole thing, and remarked "You know, you really ought to try it" in a voice that sounded like Bulma's from the Funimation dub of DBZ. As she put the coffee on the table, she bent over, causing her titties to hang over the table, suspended solely by the tight-fitting uniform. You could see her nipples poking through, for fuck's sake! Albus was already blushing heavily, but that's when he started getting a slight nose-bleed.
"I take it your friend is going to give me a very large tip?" she asked, intending for such a double entendre and even winking at him suggestively. "I..." He laughed uncomfortably and nervously. "D-don't think that your...*ahem* pleasant proportions have anything to do with your c-c-c-c-competence as a wwwwwwaitress" He stuttered and stammered. Jem had a similar, if more subdued, reaction. "Is she bi" the waitress asked. "We're both bi" Albus replied. "Word to the wise: come out of the closet AFTER your employer hires you. That's how I got around the way THEY get around anti-discrimination ordinances. It also helps if you're attractive, and your employer is a single straight guy. Then you're going to get paid enough to buy a house just working as a coffee shop waitress."
Hearing about the very useful applications of sexual self-objectification and promiscuity in a workplace full of people who find you sexually attractive, Albus finally realized that he already had an easy way to get even more money and even more benefits from his job as an assistant than he already had. Then they drank the coffee, and left. Albus left a massive tip, and a note that says "Thank you so very much for the advice. My employers are, for the most part, sexy motherfuckers. I intend on getting very far in life with your advice ;)"
NEXT TIME ON JUST ONCE: The reason people tend to avoid public transportation if they can.