Wrongs Made Right
i hope its enjoy able and criticism is always appreciated. you should probably read the first part before you continue if you haven't already. thanks.
I awoke. The sound of the alarm clock buzzed unnoticed on my bedside table. The dream was still fresh in my mind; the pain, the sting, all of it. All a byproduct of a single day from over a year ago, a day that left me with a scared muzzle, imploded heart, and a demolished sense of trust. I had forced myself to find some sort of closure for the whole thing, but like the peaceful shimmering surface of a lake on a summer's afternoon, it would only take so long for someone to skip a stone across it. I dragged myself out bed and turned to the calendar that I had reluctantly hung due to my parents and teacher scolding's of turning in assignments late and forgetting other so called important dates, only to have the thing remind me of my lack of a social life, but there was a red circle over today's box. A growl grew in my throat as my mind processed what I had written: his "closure". I stood there, looking at this worthless compilation of paper and ink thinking why... Why do you get the special treatment. Why do you get the sympathy and empathetic. How is it I can look in the mirror every god damn morning and still not blame you for you for the pain you've caused. The growl had now long been replaced sobs and cries as I banged my head repeatedly against the spot a calendar once hung as shreds of paper and ink fluttered to the ground.
"Nero" the noise broke through the haze of pain and self pity as I turned to see, through tear blurred eyes, the vixen that had raised me. She was probably crying, I couldn't really tell but it seemed like something she would do. Her voice was shaky and on the edge of breaking as she continued speaking "honey, you know you don't have to do this. He hurt YOU. Not the other way around."
I sniffled and turned my gaze towards the hard wood flooring I was standing on. I stood there, my head turned away from my mother; eyes fixed firmly on my feet as tears forced their way out of them and dropped to paneling below, the streaks of tears mixing with the streaks of blood that was running down my face from my forehead. I tried to take a step forward to realize that was my limps didn't feel like cooperating with me.
"I know mom" my voice was nothing more than a whisper "I wish I wouldn't go, I wish I didn't have to go. But I need to go, and sadly, I'm doing it more for him than I am myself. I still can't bring myself to blame him, or even be truly mad at him."
Somewhere in there my feet decided it was time for a scenery change and propelled my out of my room, past my mom, down the hall and into the bathroom. I discarded the clothes I had on and turned on the shower. I let the water seep into my fur and wash away the grime and drossiness; I moved my face under the stream and rested my body against the cool marble tiles that encased the warm cascade of water. The title cause a wonderful contrast to the heat of the water, the cold bit at my skin while the warmth washed it away only to have to defend me again the next instance.
I was lost. For the time being, and nothing mattered and I was 10 years old again rolling around in the grass with my best friend, everything was fine and fun and time slowed to trickle as the fatigue of a summer day wash over us as the final rays of the sun sunk under the horizon. I had clung to the memory senses it happened four years ago, the reason for as to why escaped me but I think it had something to do with the cliché of it all. The two best friends staying as static as possible while the world around them was constantly changing, whatever the true reason was though had become lost to me, and I could only hope, that sooner than later, it would no longer matter to me. I was brought back to life as the cold from the title started creeping up my arm with the assistance of the now equally cold water. My trip to happier times was over, and the icy water hitting my face reflected what I felt for the soon to come situation. I sighed softly to myself as I lathered my fur with shampoo. My coat had become thin and dull. Even while matted and covered with water it still seemed as if I was bald, the bright colors that once adorned my coat where now dull and disfigured. I had become the same shade of rust that you see on a discard razor, the white of my chest had become and off brand of thinned out curdled milk. But my eyes, that where the real change had come in, the golden brilliance they once burned with had gradually been snuffed out and replaced with the same blackness of my pupils. I rinsed the soap off of my body and waited for the flowing ice to saturate my fur one more time, before finally stepping out into the bathroom.
I cleared the mirror of condensation and looked upon my face. I ran a paw across the 4 diagonal scars that ran across my muzzle and thought of all of the questions and prodding I had to endure from the staff at my school as well my peers. I never told any of them the truth, well other then the staff seeing as they thought I was a victim of child abuse. For awhile no one noticed that I and he had ever stopped talking and, as much as I know, no one knows the real reason as to why. But in truth he got the better end of the stick, he somehow got our friends to stop any and all association with me so I sadly lived out the summer going into my 8th grade all the way to know, 2 weeks before the first day of my freshman year completely devoid of a single soul I could call a friend. And yet, he's the one that still needs closure.
I walked back towards my room and checked the time. The clock flashed a red 9:30, I had fifteen minutes to get dressed and start the walk towards my past. I pulled on a pair of tight black shorts off the ground and continued over to a dresser. I opened the first drawer and stared at what was gazing back at me. There on top of the other clothes in the drawer had hidden was a deep maroon colored v neck shirt; the shirt was cover in splotches of dried blood. I had kept the shirt for some unknown reason and could never bring myself to throw it away. I pulled the shirt out and considered wearing it. To see his reaction, to see if he had remembered what he did, to see if he even cared, but eventual I just unwrapped the pack of cigarettes it secretly hid and pocketed them before someone had the chance to enter my room. I threw the shirt to my bed and pulled out a single black shirt and pulled it on as a fist rapped against my door.
"It's open" I knew who it was before the handle had even turned.
"Hey son, I was just wondering if you wanted a ride over to the park. I have to go out that way anyways so it no big deal."
"No thanks dad. I'll just walk there. You know clear my head, get some air?"
"Yeah." He looked down at the ground and you could hear the uncertainty in his voice "are you sure you want to do this? It's not too late to tell him to fuck off."
It was know my turn to stare at the ground. Half of my wanted to scream no, no I don't want to do this while the other half screamed yes, yes I need to do this. It seemed like I had been looking at the ground for over an hour.
"Yes. I want to do this."He stood there, my father, and swayed from his heels to toes back to heels as he fished around in his pocket.
"Well then I guess you could probably put these to better use then me." He threw me a new pack of cigarettes and left with a warning. "Tell your mother and I will personally neuter you with a rusty Spork."
I watched him leave with a confused uneasy feeling about what had just happened, and hoped that I would never become as strange as he was. I heard the high pitched beeping of my phone alerting me that I had to leave. It was 9:45, in fifteen minutes I was going to be thrown head first into a situation I had no doubt would end in my breaking down.
I stepped out of my room and glided towards the front door, I said good bye to my parents and reassured them that this was what I wanted, and stepped out into the world I already knew was harsh and unfair. I counted my foot falls.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
I inhaled deeply on the slowly burning tobacco and sighed. I was hoping to have at least taken ten steps before the panic set in. I had 31 cigarettes including the one in my mouth and prayed they'd be enough to halt my eminent breakdown till I was back in the safety of my own house. I walked on and on and on. The park was just a head, I could smell the grass and younger cubs and somewhere in there I smelt something familiar, something old and long past, the same thing I smell every time I come to this park. The smell I smell every time I think of watching that sunset. I smell the two of us, but not how we are now, but how we were then; I smell the smell of grass stains on freshly washed jeans and the smell of friendly completion. But possibly the most important thing I smell is our laughter, and our happiness. I know it just my mind playing trick on me because I'm getting dirty looks from fearful me for lighting another smoke, I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me cause I can sense the mothers saying silent prayers hoping that their precious bundles of joy end up nothing like me and I can't help but to wish the same thing, I know my mind is just playing tricks on me because I can see a very annoyed fem bunny coming my way probably to tell me I'm despicable and disgusting, so I turn and walk away because I really don't feel like standing there, looking at the ground and saying, "Yeah...I am. I know I am," to some rabbit that has more important things to do.
I've arrived at the appointed meeting place, and immediately I want to leave. It was our place; we had found it one summer and had proclaimed it as ours from day one. It was a tunnel of sorts, we knew it had an end to it but we never had the chance to find out were exactly it went, we had an exploration date all set but in light of some particular events, the date went by with no new discoveries made. My mind told me that this place reeked of us. Of him and I. I shook my head clear of thoughts and blue smoke out through my nose masking every scent, real or not, in fog of tobacco. I looked at my phone. Lime green numbers flashed 10:05. He was late, and in all reality it didn't surprise me, he had never been on time for anything. Why should his be different, right? I mean what did I matter to him anymore, it's not like I'm the one being ripped to shreds just by being here, right? HE'S the one that needs closure.
I had worked myself up and my breathing was become something resembling gasps. I heard heavy foot falls, like that of someone in a hurry. I calmed myself down and breathed through my nose. Then it hit me, it was him, he was the heavy foot falls. He was the one coming this way; his scent hadn't changed much with time. It was unmistakably him, unmistakably Coda; he smelt of grassy fields after a little rain, of a freshly watered garden, he smelt of comfort. And it pissed me off to no end. I leaned back against the rounded wall of the tunnel I had once considered a place that gave off more comfort then home, and lit another cig as he appeared at the entrance. He had run some of the way and had worked up a sweat. I exhaled and he smiled.
"I'm sorry I'm late," he walked over to the wall across from me and leaned back. "So, what's up?"
"Well that all kind of depends." I gazed at him in non belief hoping he was joking about this small talk bull shit. "Do you mean recently, or since we last had any kind of interaction?" My voice was dripping with anger and sarcasm as he summed up the situation.
"You know," he had a smug edge to his voice "you really shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you."
"Well I have two things to say to that, I'll let you hear both and you can pick which one works best for your conscious. Option number one, you form bad habits when you have no one to consider a friend or option two, nor is getting your face clawed by your best friend but hey been there done that too," his head dropped, "Coda don't you dare act like that, I had trusted you with absolutely everything, and when I told you that I was gay you didn't just scar my face, you tore my heart to shreds, you took my ability to trust and love and pissed all over it. It's been over a fucking year Coda! I've spent over a year terrified and alone. And now all of a sudden YOU want closure" I could feel a tear falling on to my feet.
"Nero, I know that saying I'm sorry isn't going to say anything, but at the moment that's all I can say," he lifted his head and looked into my eyes "Nero, I am so sorry, I can't even begin to explain the amount of gratitude I have for you coming here and letting me tell you this. I don't want closure Nero, I just wanted to talk to you and see how you've been. I know it's been over a year and I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. But I just need to talk to you. " We were still eye to eye. Both of us had on strong face even though tear freely flooded out of them.
"I refuse to accept your apology at this time. But if you have something to say then I'll listen to it."
"Thank you Nero, that's all I wanted. I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about life and the roles everyone plays in it, and I've been through every relationship I've made. I've been considering the relationship between parents and their children a lot. You see my parents..." he took a sharp inhale, "my parents got a divorce and my father moved out, and my thought process has changed a lot from a year back to now due to the lack of his influence. I've been able to form my own opinion on everything, including my religion, or lack thereof nowadays. I saw that my father's thoughts had flooded over to aspects of my life I never wanted them to, such as my friendships. He was always a man of god and deeply religious. He hates everything that goes agai-"
"Coda, if you're just going to stand there and use your father as an excuse I'm going to walk away. You made your choices, not him."
"I know that, but I didn't have a mind of my own back then. I was feeding off the hate he let out. I thought my I had escaped its influence but I realize now that I hadn't. I know that I chose to hurt you and leave you out in the cold, but I've thought it through and realized that that's not who I am, that that's not who I want to be."
I had known his father had been a bigot to I hadn't known to what extent. I even knew that Coda knew this, but he had always said he never wanted to turn out like his dad, hating everything while preaching about love and unity. We hated it even as kids."And who is it that you DO want to be Coda?"
"If I put the answer into the simplest of forums, I'd have to say, to be your friend."
My jaw hit went slack and something inside me burned. I felt anger out of nowhere and couldn't think straight. I took another drag and tried to calm down, I took another one, then another, and one more. I had lit three cigarettes in an attempt to calm down and only when I had snubbed out the third one did I have to control to speak. I took a deep breath and held in for a few second before letting it out in a rush.
"Coda, you say that you want to be my friend even in light of all that's happened," my voice was surprisingly calm and flat "we were friends for seven years. Seven whole years of being best friends, I considered you a brother Coda, I thought I could have told you anything and everything, but now every time I walk outside people stare at me cause of the marks you left. Every day I wake and have to see my face in the mirror and have it remind me of how wrong I was to put my trust in you."
"Please, Nero, I miss you. I miss what we had. Can we please just give it a try, just give it a month, I'm begging you Nero, please."
"Coda, I'll accept your apology and I truly hope that you meant not wanting to be like your father. But I'm leaving now. This conversation is over."
His face showed pain, and I knew that he now would have some sort of inkling as to the way he had left me feeling. His eyes strewn shut; his ears laid back, face casted upon the ground. He placed a hand on his head and sunk to a seated position as more and more tears fell from his eyes. I knew that his world had just collapsed. He had probably hoped that he could use me as some sort of stone to latch on to while he was thrown around the sea of his parents' divorce. I felt for him, I knew I always would but for now I had to leave. I pulled out the last cigarette and started my walk home, the sounds of sobs slowly fading in the back ground.
Later that day:
I had spent the rest of the day in my room think, with no company other than the smell of tobacco which had set into my fur. My father had left to go somewhere, something I was grateful for seeing as he would have wanted a detail retelling of everything that was said and that just something I wouldn't have been able to do. My mother was fine with letting me retreat into my room with no more than a "things went as expected."
I didn't know what to think any more, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was the two of us laying sitting shoulder to shoulder staring into the sunset. I had always clung to that memory for some strange reason; I just wish I could know why. Of all the time we spent together of all the memories we had, why I could only think of that damned sun set. I sighed and looked over to see the time, 6:45 flashed red across my eyes. I'd been in my room almost 8 hours; it was pointless I thought as I pulled out a single cigarette I had bummed off a wolf half way to my house. I opened my bedroom window and climbed out onto the roof. I stared out towards the horizon as the sun slowly crept down. I took a drag and filled my lungs with the tainted oxygen. I placed my head in between my knees and closed my eyes.
"You know, you really shouldn't smoke..." I jumped and lifted my head towards were the sound had come from "they'll kill you ya know." I smiled as tears ran down my face. There, sitting shoulder to shoulder with me was an orange fox with glowing golden eyes.
"Nero" my voice was shaky and strained "I'm so sorry, for everything."
"I know you are Coda, I know you are." His voice was sweet and calm. "But no more apologies for now, I'd really just like to watch this sun set."