Five Nights at Furries
A not-so-short monologue. Guess who the main character is? You!! points at your chest :3
Imagine this as you're going into your hotel room at a furry con and you get a phone call from someone...
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!!!!
"Hello? Hey! It's Toni McAlister! You know, the big blue fox that you talked to over the phone a little while back. The one with the high feminine voice despite being a male? The one who blew you a kiss over the camera on Skype? Haha, I swear I wasn't trying to be creepy there, just being a friendly fox. Anyways, I heard that this is your first furry-con ever. I'm sure you're going to love this place. You'll get to meet all kinds of furries from dragons to wolves to foxes (like me) and especially tigers. I'm sure it'll be purr-fect haha. But in all seriousness, I think the whole thing with the tigers is that Disney recently made a movie about anthros or something. I think someone online mentioned them dancing around to Ke$ha or Shakira or whoever. I don't know. I didn't get the full story. You didn't mention your fursona over the camera with me, which is a little sad. I would've loved to hear about that. Oh well, I'm sure you'll tell me later or something. What was I talking about? Haha, I go off on so many tangents that I basically never have any idea what I was talking about. Hold on, I have my list right here... umm... just gimme... a second... there it is. It was buried under my desk for some reason. Ok... so, I'm supposed to read this introductory speech to you about welcome to anthrocon 2017, but... I think I'll tell a joke instead. Ahem... how does Madonna have sex?... Like a Virgin. Hahahaha. Funny, right? You'll get to hear more of those jokes later. Let's face it, these jokes are never at a tail end for me hahaha. Get it? Tail end? You know... because you're a furry? I'm sure you get it. Anyways, what else am I supposed to mention to you... Oh, right. The hotel you're currently in right now closes after seven but the people around here are free to roam the halls after hours whenever they want. So, if you happen to see another fursuiter, such as myself, out in the halls at night, do not panic. Hold on... I have extra notes here just gotta... oh, right! It says 'Do not panic unless you are not in your fursuit'. I knew I had forgotten something.
"Why would you panic? Well, the furries here are nice, don't get me wrong. Especially ones like Telephone, Echo, Buddy, Felix the fox (you should've seen the look on his face when I showed him the story I wrote him, hahaha), anyways... wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right. The furries here are nice, but they tend to be... how should I put this?... committed to the fandom. That doesn't mean that they're obsessed with it (although I'm sure that there are those who are. Look at me, I'm going on so many tangents that I might as well be a math whiz haha. Don't get it? Look it up later), but they do tend to be a little different when they see others without a fursuit. You should've seen that case in Arkansas. You haven't? Well, look that up later too. Anyways, I guess I might as well give you the warning. If the fursuiters see you and you happen to not be wearing a fursuit for some reason, whether it's getting an early breakfast or getting another towel from the lobby or going to the pool, they might not see it in a positive way. Some fursuiters are so committed to their fandom, they mostly want to see everyone in a fursuit. The issue is, since fursuits cost a lot, they have to use old, hot, small mascot costumes in storage.
"I repeat: you'll be fine as long as you're in your fursuit and walking around the hotel after hours. If not, well, they'll take you, drag you into the basement and get you fitted into a mascot costume. That almost happened to my friend Jerry once. Boy, was that crazy! Then again, cons weren't always his fa-fur-ite hahaha; hashtag furry puns! Anyways, they'll get you into a mascot costume. Now I know what you're wondering: 'How is that bad? I've been in a fursuit for dozens of months'. Well, the thing is, they won't exactly let you out of the costume once it's on. See, I told you they're committed! I heard rumors that they might use a small padlock or maybe some funky old Elmer's glue. Hold on... some guy made white glue? Ewwww, I wouldn't want to use that, especially if it was man-made... hahahahaha. Anyhow, once they get you nice and stuck in that costume (and not in that way you perv hehe), you'll probably get very sweaty and hot and pass out from exhaustion or lack of air circulation or something along the lines of that. That won't be such a fun ride. I think. I don't know, I haven't done that before because unlike some people who actually listen to my warnings, others don't get my message and they go out after hours!!!
"Ooops! I got loud for a second, ha. Now, where was I?... Oh, yes. By now, you're probably hearing some thumping coming up the stairs. I'm looking at the clock and I see that it's now past seven o'clock. There's a 100% chance that it's another fursuiter. Go get your fursuit and see who it is! Is it that black and yellow husky who owes me ten bucks? It probably is.
"Or is it me? I'm one of those people who go out at night. These people aren't as bad as you think. We like to hang out at the bar, at the beach, on the pier, and we like to hang out at that place that's under there... Hahahahahaha, I made you say 'underwear' in your mind, didn't I? Ha! So... Wow! I can hear my own message from here! Echoooooo!!! Hahaha. Yep. It's definitely getting louder. I'm telling you, these people need to replace these answering machines, they're so worn out and old and sound like static from a scary movie. Speaking of which? Have you seen that movie The Ring? I'd actually be surprised if you hadn't. It was over ten years ago, get with the times haha!!
"Besides, if you had watched that movie, you'd know better than to be turning that handle to your hotel room door because I know you didn't get your fursuit on already. It's only been a couple minutes since the warning. Anyways, have I mentioned how the movie begins? Well, there's this part where the girl opens the door to find her TV on and she finds the monster in her room and she ends up dead. And clearly you didn't learn from that movie because you didn't watch it. Because if you had, you wouldn't be opening your door and looking right at me. And, aww, you didn't get your fursuit on.
"Big mistake."
*dial tone*...