Transcript from the files of Jones, Schwartz, and Associates
All the commotion, the kiddie-like play
Has people talking, talking
-Kings of Leon's "Sex on Fire"
"Sean Harper of Jones, Schwartz, and Associates. Interviewing Mario Antonelli, currently being held for questioning in connection with the death of Marie Vasquez by the fine detectives of New York's Fifteenth Precinct. You can start at any time."
"Mr. Antonelli?"
You never think it's gonna be you, y'know? You see some poor shlub on the news, some guy in a three-thousand dollar suit bein' taken out in handcuffs, and you think 'Pfft. Idiot.'
"Mister Antonelli-"
You-you tell yourself you don't have a problem, that you've got it under lock and key, that no one notices. Well, here I am.
Funny thing about the stuff. It's not legal, but it's not exactly illegal. Close enough to illegal for the cops to nail you, though. I hear all the dealers are switching from weed and crack to the stuff. Cheap, safe, and it's not addictive.
Not *as* addictive, anyway.
"How did you hear about us?"
From Dad.
"Pardon?"
My dad was sixteen. He had his license about five hours when his friend Jack asked for help throwin' out some trash. Dad helps him put a coupla plastic bags in the trunk, toss them in the woods. Dad thinks that the worst thing he's risking is a littering fine. Coupla days later, two detectives show up, ask him if he knows anything about his buddy's missing girlfriend. He shows them, ends up with an accessory charge, and you guys manage to get him five years and good behavior.
"This isn't an accessory charge."
I know.
He gets out of jail, starts a meat business, and left it to me. I didn't really want it, but I didn't really have anything better to do, y'know?
"Does your wife know?"
Maude? No, no. We haven't been as close as we should be since the...miscarriage. She stopped cooking for me, even.
"Is that's why you started...sleeping around?"
I dunno. Maybe.
My wife, she found the pills once, while she was clearin' out my gym bag. I told her they were 'performance enhancers', if you know what I mean.
I'd like to think she believed me. That was the first time in a long time we were intimate.
"Mario, we need to know when you started, why you started."
Heh. It was taxes, can you believe it?
There was an...anomaly in the store's records. I had to hire an extra accountant so we could track it down in time. We were up until two, three AM most nights, just looking at pieces of paper. I could barely get the regular work done. A...friend of mine gave me these little pills-
"What 'friend'?"
I don't remember.
"It would help."
No, really, I don't remember. I do remember that they were prescription.
"Do you have the bottle?"
No. Sorry.
"What was it?"
Hummingbird. Not full strength, mind you. That strength would drop a horse-um, no pun intended.
"None taken."
Anyway, it was powerful enough watered down. I was eating half of our takeout by myself. Nearly scarfing down pizzas whole, y'know? After we finished the taxes, in case I needed a little boost. y'know?
"Were you having affairs at that point?"
Affair. Just one. I was careful. Always used a condom, always flushed it after. I knew, I knew that these girls didn't love me, that I was just a sugar daddy-
"Did...'Marie' threaten to blackmail you?"
No. None of them did. Y'know how you look back at decisions you made and they all seem so stupid?
"I don't-"
I shoulda patched things up with Maude.
"Mister Antonelli-"
I shoulda, huh? If I had known, if I-I had realized that earlier, then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!
"And maybe it would've been your wife who got killed, ever thought of that? You still have a chance with her Mario, but right now, I need you to focus."
I just-
"Start small. Did the drug have any side effects? We might be able to argue diminished capacity."
No, not really. My eyes got a little more yellow once I got into the heavy stuff-
"When was that?"
About a month afterward. The Hummingbird worked for sex, but it was over in, I dunno, five seconds. Not worth renting the hotel room. There was other stuff available, for...strength.
"I'm not sure I understand."
Uh...
"Oh. Ohh."
I felt...young again, y'know?
"Um-"
Right. You're, what, thirty five? You don't know yet.
"Know what?"
Nevermind.
"What type of effects did the drug have?"
Mostly size and stamina. There was usually a little Pig in there.
"Why?"
Looked it up. Pigs have thirty minute orgasms.
"Wow."
...Yeah.
"I've heard there are more powerful versions of the drug."
I didn't get into that stuff. I'm not some kind of freak. 'Sides, you have to go on a special diet for them. It takes months to build up the fat or whatever, and then you can't change back until you have enough fat for that-
"How do you know this?"
My...supplier told me.
"You got the pills from him, right? The ones you took just before-"
Yeah.
"We're going to need his location, any associates."
The only one is that friend I mentioned earlier. Here.
"Thank you. You don't have a location?"
He came to me.
"At work?"
Yeah.
"You have security cameras?"
Yeah.
"Good. How long have you been an addict?"
I...I'm not an addict. I can quit any time I want.
"The police say they found evidence of embezzlement."
Yeah, about that...
"Pensions, specifically. Mario, you need to be honest with us. We're trying to help you."
Okay. The stuff cost a little more than I expected.
"Why didn't you quit?"
Didn't want to.
"Mr. Antonelli, now we have embezzlement and possible drug charges on top of the obvious. This could go federal."
I know.
"You're not looking very sympathetic."
I know.
"The best strategies would be to make you look like a drug addict who didn't know what he was doing-"
Ain't no junkie!
"-or, and I'm not a fan of this one, make it seem like your loveless marriage with your wife-"
I love my wife!
"-drove you into the arms of another woman!"
I won't listen to this!
"Sit down, Mario!"
No! I'm in trouble like this, and you want to take shots at my wife? Why kind of shyster are you?
"A very good one, Mr Antonelli! And I'm Irish. Get back in the chair; we need to finish this."
Fine. But you better come up with something better than "my dick made me do it".
"I said I wasn't a fan of it."
Okay, what do you want to know?
"How did it happen, exactly?"
See, the thing was, I hadn't read the label right. I wanted the *power* of a horse, the stamina, not a-
You saw, right?
"The police are still processing the scene."
But you've seen pictures.
"Let's get back to your supplier. Maybe he got which pills were in which bottle mixed up."
I don't think so.
"Maybe he did."
I said 'I don't think so'.
"And I said 'Maybe he did.'"
What are you suggesting, counselor?
"I'm not suggesting anything. That would be unethical. I'm just recommending you search your memory very carefully."
I called you, remember. I can fire you any time I like.
"I know-"
The second the police came, I just kept going 'get me my lawyer, get me my lawyer-'
"You're stalling, aren't you?"
So what if I am, huh? Y'know what I've been through? Huh? A woman is dead now, 'cause of me. I have to live with that. You get to leave this room, put on your coat, and drive back to your apartment in your-your Benz or whatever.
"I took the subway."
Funny.
"You're stalling."
"Mr. Antonelli?"
You know how people say a guy has a dick as big as a horse?
"I-"
You know horses have big ones, but you don't realize how big until you see one up close.
"Ma-"
I once read that human have the biggest proportional penises for their size. After seeing that thing comin' out of me, I'm not so sure.
"Mario-"
Who do you think was the guy who had to go around and measure, y'know? And then there were some other guys puttin' stuff into Excel spreadsheets or whatever-
"Mario!"
Yeah. I know.
Okay. I rented the motel room with cash. The cops should have my car in the evidence lot. I picked up Marie from her job-
"What's her job?"
Exotic dancer.
"Continue."
The stuff takes about twenty minutes to work, so we had just enough time to take our clothes off after we got to the room.
"How long before you knew something was wrong?"
Right away. My...dick was gettin' bigger.
"I think that's the general idea."
Not like that.
"Oh."
It felt wrong too. Not just my...equipment, but all over. I started burnin', kinda like a fever. And the time at the lake my nephew hit me with a balloon fulla Icy Hot--
"Mr. Antonelli--"
I know. I tried to pull out, I really did, but she was already too tight. I could feel it getting longer, feel myself getting cold all over, but still with the Icy Hot. Marie started screaming. I felt it pressing against things nothin' should be pressing against, then I started screamin' myself. I think I was cryin' too--
"You don't have to go on if you don't want to."
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm not sure exactly what happened. I could...see the bulge in her belly, and I tried not to think about what had to be going on in there. She wasn't cryin' any more, she just had her mouth open, making these little whimpers. I think I was saying 'I'm sorry.' Just 'I'm sorry', over and over again.
It was so sensitive, that's what I remember best. I could...I could feel all the damage I was causing in there. And then...I finished.
"Climaxed, you mean?"
Yeah. She gasped for air, whimpered a little, and stopped movin'. I couldn't move.
Then I got really, really hot, and I realized my dick was startin' to get back to normal.
"The doctors said the heat was the energy for the transformation back leaving your body. Mass burned off as power."
You think I care?
"Sorry."
I...pulled out of Marie, then I blacked out.
"The paramedics said it nearly killed you. That you looked like a man who had starved himself half to death. It burned up all the fat in your body and then some."
Might as well be dead.
After I woke up, I called 911. I knew, I knew already that they couldn't...I just wanted to *do* something, y'know? I couldn't just leave her-
You ever hear a pelvis snap? You ever, you ever *felt* it, under your hands? And you're crying, trying to pull out--
I didn't want this. Sweet Mother Mary, I didn't want this.
Thanks. If Maude could see me...
She always said I wasn't sensitive enough. Here I am, grown man, cryin' over some...
She's not gonna want anything to do with me, is she?
"You'd be surprised."
What...what are my chances?
"I'm not gonna lie to you, Mario, it doesn't look good. Man one, maybe man two, and then there's the pensions and drug possession."
I'm not gonna see daylight ever again, am I?
"There's always hope."
Yeah. Hope.
"Look, I'm going to leave you alone for a while, see if we can get some character witnesses...something. I'll see if they're gonna charge you."
This is all private, right? Lawyer-client privilege?
"Yeah. Something like that."
ENDF
Transcript from the files of Jones, Schwartz, and Associates
by Eulalie "Nequ" Quentin
2009 CC By-SA-NC