An expression of anxiety
A dumping of anxiety and feelings
A smile, a mild day. A smooth drive, a wonderful rain. Everything was going fine. Exploring new thoughts and ideas, going to class and enjoying the lecture. The writer in me yells with excitement at new projects and ideas as they come flooding into my head. Writing my play for class, looking at my future with hope, I find myself positive for once. A moment's reprieve from my depression. I take a break, a moment to view my messages. No reply. I send another message and I keep writing. As new love walks literally into each other, feelings move and characters develop and blossom. Words set, stage direction engraved; it moves in my head I can see it on stage. To meet the next day for coffee, the first date. I check my phone again, no new messages. He only replied with no. I asked him to coffee as we normally do with no answer. The next day i asked again if he had gotten my message and still nothing. Now as I sit with my play at my finger tips, I find a loss of creativity.
Is he ignoring me? No, he doesn't always check his phone. Facebook betrays, and I see him commenting, laughing, enjoying the company of our friends online. Have I been too much? Am I too burdening as a friend? Is my depression ending relationships with friends and lovers? Why would he hate me, Im sure he must hate me. Does he lie to me when he says I'm his friend? I see the bracelet he gave me, "Every time you worry, remember these." I look at them and I think of every fun time, of every game played and night spent hanging out. He would never hate me. A picture surfaces, He's tagged with a potential lover. He comments, they laugh, I cry.
I am no lover but surely I matter. More comments, more likes. I send another message. I retract the message. I re write the message, I send it again, I re-write to excuse my burdening, i am too much. Maybe he will notice im freaking out. I should tell him when it gets this bad. But he is ignoring me. Another tag, another photo of former friends with him, recently too. The reason I never got a reply to hanging out. Left out again by friends. Lost in my thoughts I close out of facebook, but now i'm staring at my phone. Will it ring? No it wont, maybe i should check the settings. I know the settings. I can't come over because mom hates me. But everyone else can come over? Everyone else is fine? I want to believe you, I have seen her rash and stupid behavior but it makes me suspicious. Should i check again? Im sure there is another comment. I dont need to check to know im hated.
The bracelets, he can't hate me. He told me not to. I scream, i don't know where to go. Will he betray me too? Will i loose another close friend? How scared am i allowed to be? May i talk with others about it, am i bothering them? No one is messaging me. Other friends in a game, others at work. It makes sense, Im not always going to have someone next to me. I need to be okay on my own. I need to realize this is crippling me, I am loved.
I am alone. There isnt anyone nearby, I feel cold. I'm fine, im totally fine. I need to be calm about this. The cold comes back, it seizes my heart and makes me still. I shiver, I go back to my play. The character is blushing, excited he has a date. For once he won't feel alone. For once he will be fine. I'll be fine too, I need to keep my head up. My friend will get back to me. Truly ill be fine. My other friends will be around, and none of them will betray me. I still feel the cold but its dying. Strength, courage, confidence. i am loved, I must be loved. I know it to be so, they care about me. I am not a burden.
"I don't feel like hanging out with you"