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Well, looks like another year has gone by and I still can't manage to look at how much I may have changed over this year.

Perhaps it'd be wise to start off by saying this was the year I stressed myself the most. I was lost an confused about what to even do with life, and I kept having these irritating mood swings from time to time. One day I'd be happy, but something might occur and the next day I'd have my emotions down to the depths of hell. I mean, the more I had 'em, the more I thought that should be normal... right?

Well, unfortunately, it isn't. It never was, is or will be, as it's a clear sign one is going through something tough. For me, though, everything comes down to the fact that I pick over small things. Or at least, that's what it feels like. It wasn't noticeable until the second half of the year, where the biggest change of me happened after my birthday, on October 7: I started playing osu!.

It happened when I saw Halogen, a friend of mine, play competitive osu!mania, and I thought: "Wait, that's osu! too? I thought you had to click circles!" Back in the US I was familiar with osu!, but it never caught my attention since I couldn't possibly get a mouse for my computer at the time. I thought it was only that mode, but apparently I was wrong. And even in my school I was influenced by a close friend, Arnold24x24, who's a grade lower than me, and #2 in all of Peru for osu!standard. (rest in banned pieces)

Well, what can I say? I liked osu! a lot. I started playing it on a frequent basis and now I'm within the top 17k players in the world for Catch the Beat. I'm also gaining momentum in Taiko, but that can be vague in Peru...

Anyways, I'm playing all these beatmaps like a total scrub, getting to know the competitive scene a little bit more, finding my way around like I always do. And then I find myself with a coyote.

He messages me out of the blue asking me if I was a furry. I respond yes, and he invites me to this thing called Discord, which is a chat for gamers. The server he invited me to was used specifically for furries that play osu!, and since I fit the requirements (and I needed a reason to mee new people without even trying), I joined right in. It was there where the coyote and I talked a lot, and I started getting feelings for him. Like, actual, legitimate feelings. I crushed on him, we talked a lot more, and-- you know how I said I had constant mood swings from time to time? Well, it happened. And it made me feel horrible. So bad, in fact, that even after I visited Cusco and had the chance to see Macchu Picchu in all its glory, when I came back, I was still guilt tripping myself for reasons unknown.

But just like that, one day... it all stopped. I don't even know how, perhaps there was some trigger I was missing.

The coyote comforted me. He told me sweet things, and hell, he, too, was lovable. I had a crush on him, and after that night where we talked on Skype, my feelings for him grew a lot stronger. I really wanted to ask him if he felt the same way, but I was scared.

Then another coyote comes into the server. He and I become good friends after a few days, and he got along with my crush extremely well. Unfortunately, it seemed that this simple crush line formed into a triangle soon after.

The new coyote and I were very conflicted. After the two canines started talking to each other more, the "ship" that they joked about started getting more on the real side. I finally got around to telling my crush my feeling for him, but it was already too late. The two coyotes had already reached a dock with their ship. And I was stuck in the middle of the sea, rowing nothing but a small raft that couldn't even stay afloat.

I cried myself to sleep a bunch of times just thinking about what would never be. All three of us are still friends, mind you, but whenever I see the two say stuff about what they're gonna do together, or just the simple cute talk they have from time to time, I feel a little remorseful on the inside. More empty. More excluded.

I wanted a lover. I wanted someone to talk to and vent all my feelings to. I hated being third wheeled, and as much as it might not have looked like it, it felt that way for me at the time. I was torn apart and not even the least happy with my life at all.

I sulked around a lot longer, and the mood swings just disappeared into what felt like eternal depression. I wanted to tell myself that it was over. There was no way now I could ever have a boyfriend. I had to accept the fact I would be lonely for the rest of my life.

But, just like the mood swings from this year that tortured me even more during these past 3 months... life decided to finally have mercy on my broken soul.

You know, life can give you so many surprises in such a short amount of time. All this fiasco is exactly what I needed, in fact. I'm rewriting all of my stories and one of them calls for this specific plot. Now that I have lived through it, I can firmly write it out without feeling dumb about it. Let's face it, perhaps my stories were a bit Mary Sue. :P

So, if I could give a name to this year... then it may be named "2015: The Year of Endless Tears and a Smile of Gratitude". Or perhaps "A Year In 3 Months", as the biggest moths of impact were the last 3 months of October, November and December. The biggest hits for me were the fact I left school forever, graduated, this entire love fiasco, and the fact that, for next year, you'll be seeing a lot more me soon.

I'm not hopeful for the future. Someone I know once told me: "Instead of looking at the future judging on your past, look at the present while forgetting what the future holds". I guess he was right all along.

Here's to another year full of adventure! And perhaps someday I'll get to see my Vincent...

Have a Happy New Year, everyone.

-Paulo "The Fire Tiger" Gonzales