The Reboot
#1 of Journal of a Lonely Dog
So, I have made some minor edits to the first two chapters and consolidated them with the third chapter since it has been such a long time since I have made a journal entry. So now I'm probably going to have to turn this into a more of a look back than an ongoing life. My apologies but I hope you enjoy this.
This does have some pretty intense language so be aware of that. All of these events and people are real; this is my life just furrier.
November 12, 2013
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN THE FUCK BACK OVER TO YOUR "SANCTUARY" LIKE THE FUCKING LITTLE CUNT YOU ARE?!?!?!" Chris yelled at me as I fought the tears beginning to well in my eyes.
I took a second to remain calm, but my voice had begun to rise as my temper set in, "You were why I had to do that, you made me scared in what was supposed to be my home and disgusted with myself for something that trusted to tell you, and to top it off, you told everyone of your friends. AND that is still ignoring the repeated assaults, and "accidental" trips next to the stairs."
I paused blinking away my tears, continuing in a calmer voice, "...and you can't understand why the people who patched me up after every time fucking attacked me or one of your friends attacked me that they don't like you. They treated me like family, and that's far more than you've given in almost a decade."
"YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BE GODDAMNED IF I AM GOING TO LISTEN TO YOUR SHIT ABOUT HOW ABUSED YOU ARE AND HOW HARD YOU HA-"
"SHUT UP! I have had enough of your crap, either take your best shot or stop bitching like the pussy you are."
Stepping in between us, Alex, Chris's Zebra friend, said, "Hey, Chris calm down, you guys shouldn't be fighting when he is about to leave."
Glaring at Alex, Chris barked, "It isn't my fault that this worthless faggot is defending that whore after SHE FUCKING DISRESPECTED ME!" as he began to walk towards me again.
I put my arms straight out, leaving myself completely open for anything, "I will not fight you; you aren't worth it."
"YOU LITTLE BITCH" yelled Chris as he began to try to wrestle himself around Alex.
"DUDE, Calm down, just let it and walk away!" growled Alex.
I put my arms down and looked at the edges of my claws, beginning to step out of the kitchen and back towards my room to load up my truck to leave.
"DON'T FUCKING WALK AWAY FROM ME!!!"
Leave it to him to cause a scene every time he sees me... Fucking drama queen. I picked up my remaining suitcase and carried it out of my now empty room, sighing. I thought I would have at least one more year to finish High School here, guess I won't be going to the universities I wanted now...
I stepped back into the kitchen which was now empty, but I could hear the bitch hissing a fit still downstairs. I shook my head as I opened the door to my garage. The garage door was already open and my truck was sitting in the driveway, nearly fill to the brim with luggage in the bed and the backseat of the cabin. I lifted the last bag and placed it into the bed, closing the bed afterwards.
What is his problem? I can remember when Chris wasn't an asshole other than when were little kids... I was hoping that for once he would just at least be civil, I mean I hadn't seen him in months, and thought maybe he had grown up a bit. I guess not... I looked over at the car Chris and Alex had driven in. Some little Pontiac or something. _Could be a baby blue Prius for all I care. _*sigh* _I can't believe that he acts like this on the last day he will see me for years. Childish asshole. _
_(I guess I should explain what's going on... Chris is my eldest brother who is 4 years older than me, well half-brother... He is an Akita-Wolf mix with full black fur, same as my other brother Micheal except with a dark mask and his fur gets lighter as it moves away from his spine and face who is also a year older than me. They are both much taller, stronger, and aggressive than me. _
_Genes, I guess. They stand at about 6'2"-6'4" and I'm 5'6" and a Akita-Doberman mix. My mother was married to their dad, he cheated, and then mine soon after, he is crazy.*sigh* Anyway, Chris and I never really got along after he started doing drugs and drinking when he was in middle school. He became more aggressive and abusive as time passed to the point that Micheal avoided him at all costs, but me being me, I had to input my opinion and snide comments when I could. I don't regret it, but still probably not my brightest moments. _
Chris is 20 now and will be 21 in January, a full adult... Anyway, as of yesterday, I decided to move early with my mom back to my home town in South Carolina. She thinks it's better than Kansas, says the people "aren't as hypocritical and crazy," I disagree. As you may have guessed, I am gay, but my coming out story will be later when less crap is going on. I'm 17 years old and in the middle of my Junior year. I guess comment, if Journals can comment, if you need any more info, I'll be sure to add it in the next entry.)
After a quick oil change, my mom arrived back at the house in her fancy Dodge Challenger 2013 model. Woman and her stupid cars... "Alright, everything packed?" she smiled, obviously stoked to finally get going and to move back 'home.'
"Yeah, let's go before your son has another tantrum.." She looked at me incredulously, "What's with the look?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"It doesn't matter... We already behind schedule by a couple hours, can we go?" I replied getting annoyed. I never wanted to move, but since there is no stopping it. Best get it over now.
Micheal got out of the passenger side of her car as she said, "Just let me grab one last thing in the house and we can go."
Micheal and I stood there in silence as we waited, He knew I was jealous that he got to stay and finish high school here because he is a senior, while I, even though I could have waited until Christmas break to transfer, had to leave now. Mom walked back into the garage carrying a blanket, a pillow, and a couple of purses, "Just need to grab this, and now we can go."
She tossed the items into the trunk of her car and turned to Micheal, "Wubbie, I see you at Christmas and when you graduate, but I think, in the meantime, you need to decide where you are going to college and if Clemson is something that you want..."
"Yeah, yeah, goodbye mom." they hugged and I turned away, probably looking irritated and bitter. My mom got into her car and rolled down the window, "Hurry up, we gotta go." That's what I have been saying for hours.
I looked at Micheal, and suddenly hugged. At first, I was stunned and didn't hug back, but he whispered, "I love you Morgan, and I'm sorry you can't stay, but I want you to be safe on the roads. It's your first time driving this sort of distance nonstop."
I began to hug back, the tears I had been holding back throughout the day, through the withdraw of my classes in the morning, to the dinner with my best friends and second family, and through Chris's yelling, began to soak Micheal's shirt as I pressed myself into his chest. I tried to speak, I tried to tell him, "I loved him to and that it wasn't his fault and goodbye," but my voice defied me. All I could produce were quiet sobs and small squeaks and whimpers.
After a moment, I regained control of myself, _I'm normally a very internal person, but Micheal hasn't treated me like he cared since we were in elementary school, so it caught me off guard, _and I said my goodbyes and got into my truck, tears still falling from my eyes. I wiped my eyes and started the ignition as Micheal open the door inside the garage leading into the house. He waved one last time before I backed out. Micheal pressed the button to close the garage and closed the door behind him. The garage door closed, and I was off to restart my life again.
November 13, 2013
I was filled with sorrow as I drove, making it very difficult to pay attention to the road and other drivers. The ordeal of saying goodbye and the fight with Chris had taken their toll on me, and as the clock grew closer to the dawn, it was becoming harder and hard to stay awake. Music, no matter the volume or type, seemed to begin to lull me to sleep; exhaustion was overtaking me.
My phone vibrated and sang to me, and checking the road, now shocked awake, I quickly answered it, tucking the phone in between my shoulder and muzzle.
"You OK?" my mother's voice boomed through the speaker, pulling me again from my near-slumber, "You are nearly driving off the road."
"Yeah.. sorry *yawn* I... uh.. am getting tired and almost fell asleep." I replied with as much emotion and energy as I could muster, "Don't worry, just need to concentrate and try to stay fo* yawn *cused"
"We will take a break when we stop for gas outside of Atlanta, and we will be there in about an hour and a half, alright?" she said, "And we are going to stay on the phone til we get there. I can't have you falling asleep and causing a wreck."
"Fine..." I grumbled out.
We stayed on the phone til we stopped for gas, just as she said, talking about the move, Kim, and some other things, but mainly about my dream.
Maybe I'm just superstitious, but I believe sometimes a person can see the future in a dream. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but I will make some of my most important decisions off of these dreams, and this event had been no exception.
This specific dream, however, was strange and short, and I had experienced it while I was sleeping Sunday night. When I woke the next morning, I was overcome with grief because I felt as though I had already left, like I had decided to leave already. The next day, I broke down before my first period class in front of my English instructor, telling him that I had no choice and I was already gone.
When I took Kim home after school, I told her that I had decided that I had to leave earlier, and she said that she wanted to spend my last night in Kansas together because we wouldn't see each other for a long time. With my other best friends, Steven and Amy, we went to dinner with Steven's family who had been like a second family to me and had allowed me to hide from Chris's abuse and my mother's neglect for so many years.
It was a long sorrowful night, and for the first time since I was a child, I cried in front of people who weren't directly related to me. Steven's mother, Patty, was like my second mother, and maybe in some cases, she was more of a mother to me than my own. As I fought my tears, she hugged me, and it was the first time that I genuinely felt the love of a mother to her child. I cried that I didn't want to go, but that I had to, that I would miss her so much as my word jumbled together. With tears in her eyes, she shushed me like mother shushes her crying child.
I eventually regained my composure, and we talked about why I was moving and about the drama between Steven and Amy in recent weeks that had also been a factor (though not a very big one). After Kim and I left, I took her home, and I told her that I loved her. I told her the truth; that though I am gay, I love her and that she means more to me than anything and I didn't know how I was going to live without her. We cried as we hugged; it wasn't our last goodbye, but it was second to it.
The following day was a blur, and like a repeat of the day before except I was numb, and I did not cry until I said goodbye to Steven's family, Steven, Amy, and finally Kim. I always wondered what losing a loved one felt like; though I wasn't foreign to the feeling, no one really close to me had passed before. This wasn't death, but I couldn't imagine something more painful to experience.
Sorry for the tangent... Anyway, the dream that caused all of that:
_I laid in a bed with my back to someone, only stealing a small glimpse of his face. I noted the window of the near wall, the long waist-height dresser with a tv setting on top, the moonlight drifting over the door from another window that I couldn't see. He rubbed my back as I shivered when his light fingertips passed over my side. I slid closer to him, leaning my head back to lightly kiss his lips. I whispered, "I think... I love you.." He stopped and pulled me closer wrapping his arms around my abdomen. Softly, he whispered back into my ear, "I think I love you too." _
His warmth engulf my body; I could feel heart beat softly on my back and his breaths grow longer and longer as he dozed off. As my dream began to end and reality slipped into my mind, the warm disappeared, and the depression set in.
It wasn't a lot, but the dream lasted all night. Minutes in hours like they say I suppose._ _When I awoke, I knew I was already gone.
We pulled off the highway at a gas station in southern Georgia, where I passed out in my car waiting for my mom to buy somethings. She woke me a couple of hours later, allowing me some sleep.
The rest of the trip was rather boring and uneventful, not counting the Atlanta rush hour traffic in which some asshole almost hit me. Literally INCHES from my vehicle, just to cut me off.
We arrived at my aunt Judy's house soon after that. Her husband, Uncle John, a scruffy old coyote, was surprisingly pleased to see me which is weird because he always hated me. Always told me not to call him Uncle because he says, "I ain't your damn uncle..." Sorta true... My mother and Judy aren't blood-related, but were so close that they were often mistaken for siblings back when we lived here almost a decade ago. Somehow, I thought things were going to be different between now, even though they have been in frequent contact for years.
A few hours later, my cousin Jason arrived home from work. He's 26 and lives with Judy and John, why I'm really not sure. Jason, though I didn't really see much of him for several years, except for this super awkward weird thing my mom set up for me to go see them one summer when I was visiting my dad's... _I was an awkward tween and wasn't really sure what I was doing: It was just bad, kind of embarrassing to take about, _became sort of a role model for me when I realized I wasn't straight and a guideline for attractive. Half-coyote and half-wolf, Jason has a killer body and is gay, a little flamboyant, but no where near "fairy".
For tween me, he was my quintessential man sort of. My version of him was skewed because the time-lapse. Memory can change the past.
The next few days were just house searching, Jason insulting/teasing me during the day and tempting flirtations at night, and growing anxiety about starting at a new school when we had a house.
April 12, 2013
Sigh... Another hour passes by without much really happening. It just seems like all my classes mean nothing. I feels like I never seem to learn anything.
I rested my head on my propped arm, allowing my claws to scratch my temples. Mrs. Gued, an elderly house cat and teacher of my literature class, droned on about prepositions, participles, and other parts of speech; all things that my old school had drilled into me by now. I began to drift into semi-consciousness, thinking about my life and all the new changes.
_Honestly, I had read stories online about how some fur moves away and is swept up by some great-looking athletic fur who is really a heart-throb, but my story or rather my life was a bit bleak in comparison. I mean I got a boyfriend, at least for a little while, but he was nothing really great nor was he worth half the hassle his family was causing. Jake was cute-ish... But definitely not a heart-throb for me. _
Besides the recent failure in my love life, my social life in general had been on a spiral downward even before Jake and I broke up, but now my small group of friends stopped talking to me except for one or two... Just my luck right? I get one of the horror stories: to move and lose everything. It's March, five months since I moved, and I still have made little progress in my new social life.
I sighed quietly, but loud enough to cause a couple of my neighbors to throw a glance my way. I lightly blushed under my fur and whispered apologies to them. Quickly, the feline's lecture lulled me back into my daydreams.
This class is going to kill me with these sophomores; I'm a junior... Why am I with these morons? When they argued about whether 'is' in an example sentence was a preposition or adjective, I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm... Calm down. CALM. DOWN. Heart rate slowing, good.... They are still idiots.
Back to what I was thinking about, friends or rather my lack of. It's not surprising; I'm shy, kind of mean-looking, and reclusive. I don't know what I could have expected. Woo, self-pity party... I wonder if anyone can read my face for my thoughts? Nah, I always look pissed... Am I? Yeah... No, just kind of frustrated and... Lonely... But I'm not totally alone, I've got Mary, but it feels like the only time she feels like hanging out is when she is working at the coffee shop that I frequent now... We never hang out outside of there, not since I broke up with Jake. Again, they are best friends, and she introduced us; what did I expect? I don't know...
I still have my friends back home in Kansas though right? Well, no... Not really... I have Steve and Rene, but I really pissed off Kim not only for breaking her heart when I came out of the closet, but for breaking her trust with something that happened between Rene and her ex-boyfriend by telling Steve. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't not tell him. I guess it really doesn't matter though; she isn't my friend anymore. Funny how you can know someone so well, but she can still hate you. Oh well...
_Being gay is not as hard as I thought it was going to be, but I'm not very flamboyant or out really or known in general. Perks of being new kid. Come to think of it, I really haven't even been picked on yet which is kind of weird right? I don't sit in the lunchroom, just read in the courtyard alone, and I don't really even talk in my classes, even when spoken to. Maybe they are afraid of me? Nah, who would be afraid of a short, moody mutt dressed like some biker wannabe, though I'm not a wannabe... _
And this area? Why are there hardly any hot guys? Maybe I just don't see them because I don't even look for them, well, usually look for them. Mmmm that horse in Chemistry though, how could I not notice him? I really, really hoped he was gay on my first day. His pretty beige coat with dark brown hair... and his dark green eyes...
My tail wiggled behind me slipped between the back of my desk-chair thing. I murred almost silently.
_...And his body. I bet his member is proportional... Stop! Control, you are in class. Furs are all around you, judging you. Don't get horny right now; remain calm. _
I looked around from my back corner seat; no one was giving me weird looks that's good.
Come to think about of it, I don't know of really any other gay furs. I know some lesbians, but not gay guys. Well, there is Chase, but she is transgender... and not my type. Is trans-gay? Or is there a trans-gay and trans-straight, cis-straight and cis-gay? Another reason not to date him... She is a very pretty vixen or... fox... or trans-vixen? Too confusing....
The bell rang out loudly interrupting my thoughts, bringing me closer to reality. I slowly gathered my things, making sure to take my time so all the other student had left the room. Before leaving, I gave my routine goodbyes to my teacher and headed towards my US history course.
Maneuvering through the halls without being bulldozed was, like always, a challenge and necessity. The halls were full of more exotic furs than I'm used to back in Kansas: there are more elephants, zebra, a few giraffes, and other African furs. I would have venture to guess that half of this school's population is African descent.
Arriving at my final class, I looked about at the furs in the class. I quickly went to my usual spot behind Mary, even though it is also beside Jake's best friend's girlfriend, Sasha. Mary hadn't made it to class yet; she must have been stuck in Statistics longer than usual today. Sasha was sitting down already, giving me nasty looks. I continue to scan the room after I have situated myself in my seat-desk.
Some of them are nice people, but others either ignore my existence or blatantly discriminate. Sasha is a bitchy, judgmental collie. Why is it always the damn Border Collies that are always so damn mean? This is going to be a long class...
Mary walked through the classroom door a few minutes later, sitting down in her seat gracefully. I greeted her with a wave and a small smile. She politely waved back, but turned to Sasha. They began to talk about some sort of thing they did a few days ago with the group of furs I was no longer a part of. I sighed quietly to myself.
Mr. Sheridan is usually really interesting, but it seems that today I was not so interested in his lecture. When the bell finally sung, I had my truck's keys in paw and was ready to dart, but as I was making my way through all of the madness, I ran into Jake. The lean, tall kangaroo looked down at me after he had knocked me over. For a moment, there was empathic and apologetic look in his eyes, but it quickly faded into a snide grin, chuckling "faggot" as he looked to his friends.
Jake, you little punk ass... If you weren't such a coward, you would be a decent person. One day you'll get yours. I mean it isn't enough to throw me under the bus so you can prove to everyone else that you aren't gay. Make me look like I tried to convert you. Asshole...
I got up to my feet, grumbling as I did. I watched for a moment as Jake and his group of morons walked away. Jake glanced back for a second; his eyes flashed regret and fear. I simply shook my head, continuing my interrupted route.
When I reached my car, Jake's truck was parked opposite to mine. I looked at the cabin, thinking about the times Jake and I made out in there... I looked around as I stepped forward looking into the passenger side window. I saw a little piece of paper sticking out of the center consul. It was a movie ticket; actually, it was the ticket from our first date (the second Hobbit movie).
Even his truck looks like it's pretending... I could key his truck. Reveal what a hypocritical piece of shit he is... I sighed. I can't do that; no matter how much he deserves it. I kind of feel sad for him. He's kind of pathetic pretending to be something he isn't, leading that girl on and everything.