FSE

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I am alone yet again, even though I was in a group call where everybody was cheery and happy. They all seemed to enjoy themselves by calling each other names and yell silly stuff... yet it was just not suited for me. I felt the warming welcome and the cheering words when I entered the call and I was happy in the few minutes where I participated in the warming up session. It was precious as soon as we really began to go into the game, then my heart sank into the depths of loneliness where no one were able to fetch me or even dared.

Throughout my life, I had experienced so many broken bonds and lost homes of which I dearly cherished so much before it turned to another sadness and sorrow. I did remember the times where I was happy, the times where I could be funny intentionally and I was able to do anything without overthinking every step. The times where I had no worries for tomorrow and the times where I did not experience losing friends every second year or so. The worst was when I moved from a culture to another where I got a shock after the settlement since I was accustomed of the local humour or social norms. It just happened when I was about to truly hope that I was not going to move again. Since that time, I had lost any hope of regaining close contacts as I had back in the days where the sun shone with its comforting sunlight.

I tried to participate in the pace as everybody in the group call and I really put my energy in attempt of being a part of something I could call a group of which I belonged. Yet, I felt the disappointment when I failed to be funny where an awkward silence took place right after, letting me realize how much of my childhood I had forgotten, how much of the happy me was thrown into the ocean of despair, never to be revived.

After some years of heavy isolation and the very limited contact with anyone, which could be categorized as close to none, I began to see a light that might help me with my grim and dark future. A light that might had been able to turn my undeveloped social skills and sense of humour into something that was usable. Throughout these years, I discovered that my ability to sense irony, sarcasm and jokes had nearly diminished to nothing. In a society where those attributes where heavily used, I had a hard time of trying to regain the ability to do them or even sense them at all. I could laugh but only to things that many found not so entertaining or weird.

I could sense that some of the participants of the game and the group call tried to avoid any contact with me in any way, like talking or make action with me since my attitude was far from alike of theirs. I decided to not say anything at all since I knew I was in a situation where it might get worse even if I tried compassionately to lighten the mood. I began to think what consequences could as outcomes of this group event and they all showed towards negative results. I began to worry if they would suddenly to exit the skype call, even though it was irrational and unfriendly. They were friendly and they did tried to welcome me but... I was not able to reach a certain level of being glad and cheerful as they were as I was able to be serious and somewhat gloomy. My heat ached and I began to feel cold. I tried to warm myself by rubbing my hands onto my arms but with no effect. One tried with his whole heart to involve me into their silly and seemingly joyful fray but I was not able to come into a frequency where he could truly reach out to me and me to him. My worries just grew proportionally as I sensed his enthusiasm hastily tuned down.

In the past, I was a gloomy mess and a bag of hopeless and doomed seeds. Some years later, I did improve in the things I was bad at, even got my confidence and my self-esteem boosted, but it seemed that I was still far below the level of normality of which I would be able to participate in-group events or even one to one situation where it would not turn heavy or depressing. I remember when I was in my primetime of reprogram my social abilities and humour I got the damaging news that I was still extremely disheartening to talk to, even for people with heavy amounts of positive energy.

I tried to volume down my thoughts on this situation, like countless many, and be as nice as possible without sounding sad or in grief. As the game went on, the call got more and more silent, which reminded me of my other countless many group calls that turned out that way.

Some months ago, I started to experiment with my effect on a physical group talk or group talk through the internet. Of course, I found out that when I was silent in period of time the call would turn more cheery and joyful, where there would be more comments for one another and shouted silly nicknames but when I started to contribute to the call, it turned more silent and slightly gloomy.

I began to speak formally to my teammates to distance myself from them in order not to get hurt yet again and I began to act on my own in the game, in the end not having the ultimate influence of the outcome as the others had. Not even like that, I was not able to avoid feeling the loneliness, despair, grief, sadness, sorrow, mourn, disbelief, dishearten, discourage, disappointment and so on. Yet again, I was reminded that I was not like the others and did not really belong in any kind of group of which I whole-heartedly tried to be a part of.

Under the many years of my existence I had experienced many mental breakdowns caused by my own point of view on of which was clearly exponentially pessimistic. In addition, I had tried even more situations where I was not able to handle my situations because it was too depressing or gloomy. Under the years where I could finally see some little bright light in my future, in the lights would brutally shut down or broken by someone or even by myself. My experience of love was no other exception: Time after time, I would encounter a situation where I could not see any other solution but to give up my love for someone else.

My heart was screaming for help or just a continuous friendly gesture, an aid that could be strong enough to get me up on the hill where I could see a bright future. I knew that huge part of this nearly impossible accomplishment had to be done by me but when I am broken as I turned out to be, it was extremely difficult to just even see the low brightness of a far distanced star. As the social convention dictated, I said it was a good game and tried to be positive about it, even though I knew how the others felt about me. I could hear their tune change when I tried to talk to them and when they talked to someone who was not me. When I said I was fresh for another game, another attempt, they said that it was it for this evening and as the naïve person I was I believed in these empty words. Right after the call was ended and as I was about to log off, I saw that they started a game without me and I guessed they even started a group call without me.

It clicked.

I sat there silently and felt that my eyes began to fill with tears of which had cried so many times on this troubled and burdened face, so many times where my eyes turned red and swollen and had made my skin om my cheek sticky with these tears. As the tears silently ran down my cheeks, I stood up and began to over to the kitchen where the sharp knife resided. I wanted to cut myself yet again, just to feel physical pain so I could be distracted from the distressful, agonizing, painful, heart aching, terrible, uncomfortable, unpleasant, awful and distasteful sensation in my hollow and nearly empty body. I deeply longed for the times where I could only be happy and see the light of my bright future, where I did not have to worry about my every move I took in social interaction, where I did not had to be someone I was not. This time I decided to end my horrible existence by cutting myself vertically instead of horizontally on my arm... the pain felt relieving and releasing, as the blood poured out of my arm I felt more and more dizzy. I viewed this as my final sleep into a dream where I could be what I wanted to be and not be what I turned out to be.