RATS!
I got this idea from a short story I read awhile back, but can't remember
the name of the author! So if he/she recognizes the similarity, my humble
apologizes!
RATS!
by
William W. Kelso
I own and run a small antique store, so as usual I spend my weekends
at estate sales, auctions, and garage sales. My story starts because of
an item I round at one of those sales.
One weekend I attended a sale from the estate of the last of two old
maid sisters who had collected every kind of cheap nick-nack or souvenir
piece of junk in the world. The only standard was it had to be cheap!
There were boxes and boxes of crap, each box priced at a few dollars.
As that kind of junk always sells well I bought several of the larger
boxes to help restock my shop. It was going through one of these
boxes that I found the lunch-pail. It was obviously a genuine antique,
so I set it aside for a closer examination later.
I took it home with a few other possibles, and finally got around to
cleaning it one afternoon. It was galvanized tin with the remnants of
black crackle paint, and I could see a patent date of 1932. Nice!, I
thought. It was incredibly dirty, and I couldn't get it open, so I started
to rub it with a cleaning rag.
All of a sudden there was a big rush of air, and I felt the lunch-pail
fly out of my hand! What the hell! I thought, as a large cloud of what
smelled like cheap cigar smoke suddenly blossomed from inside the
now open pail! I took several startled steps backward, until I fell
into one of the easy chairs!
And out of the smoke appeared a fat guy wearing a flat hat, a plaid jacket
with a "Local 32" button on it, and chomping down on a cheap stoagie! He
looked and smelled like a cabbie!
"Oh Great One!, what das youse wants already!" said the fat man.
"Uh, er, duh, uh, er!" I managed to say.
"Oh Great, the fat man said, My first call in I'se donts knows how long, and it's a
dimbulb! Gimme a break!"
"Hey, I said, I'm NOT a dimbulb!"
"Oh Goody, said the fat guy, Da Mook can talk! Now, whadda youse wants, capiche?"
"Who the HELL are you! WHAT the hell are you" I yelled.
"I! I am da Great and Only sumthin or da udder, a powerful genie! What is youse
wish, ya mook!"
"You're a genie? I said, I thought genies were all Arabs or something!"
"Hey, said the genie, dats whut I thought too, until I made one of em mad and he put
the hoodoo on me bigtime! Now I gots to give a wish to any body whats opens my
lunchpail! Don't dat suck big-time!"
"Where the hell are you from, anyway?" I asked!
The genie replied, "Ah'm from Brooklyn, ya wanna make sumthin out of it?!!"
"Oh, no, not really!, Brooklyn's a great place! I've been there!" I said.
The genie said "Is Louigies Deli still on 4th? Greatest hot pastrami on rye
in da universe! But anyways, enough wit da small talk! You wants youse
wish, or don't ya! I ain't gots all day!"
"Hey wait, I said, only one wish? I thought there were three!"
"Hey, said the Genie, I'm a cut-rate one, so whaddaya want fer nuthin!"
This is so dam weird I thought, but my eyes can't be lying! I tried to think of what
I wanted to wish for, and all of a sudden the genie said
"Oy! That's kinky as hell, you one of dem gay-bar loiterers?"
"What the heck do you mean by that!" I yelled.
The genie just said, "Hey, no offense, some of my best friends was girly-boys! Ise
already knows whats youse wants anyways, so its done master! Alls youse gots to
do is say da name of whatever beastie youse wants to change into, see, then to
change again already youse says da name of da next! Got it! Have a Nice Day!
Go Micks!" and the genie disappeared in anther puff of nasty cigar smoke! And
I head a last fading "Whatta maroon!"
Well, one a weird scale of one to ten, that was about a twenty! But I knew it
really had happened because I could feel my new power coursing through my
body like electricity! The power to change my shape as often as I wanted, into
anything I wanted! Oh! I had to try it out! What first?? A horse, Dragon!!,
Johnny Depp! No, wait, something small to test it out, just in case! Then I spied
a DVD case on top of my wide-screen for the movie Ratatouille! Perfect! Better
take off my clothes first though!
I quickly stripped, and neatly folded my clothes on the chair. I stood there a few
minutes, took a deep breath, and said "RAT!". At first nothing happened, then all
of a sudden I felt like I was in a rapidly descending elevator! I could feel myself
shrinking, everything around me getting bigger! As I looked white fur sprouted on
my belly, and gray fur on the rest of my body! I could feel my face began to push
outward into its new form! It felt so erotic! I felt a tail sprout from my spine, and
looked as my hands became pink paws! Then suddenly it was over, and I was
crouching on the floor looking up a world of giants!
This is so fucking awesome I thought! It worked, it really worked! I ran around the
room, exploring and found some really gross stuff under the couch. OK, I thought
after awhile, enough of this! Time for a REAL change!
Standing up, I opened my mouth and said "EEKKK!" Huh! That sure didn't sound
right, I thought! I tried again "SQUEEAK!" What the hell! I tried again, panic growing
inside of me! "SQUEEAK, SQUEEAK! EEEEK EEEEKKK!!" Oh God no, I can't
talk! I can't say any words! And I can't change again unless I say the name of the
animal out loud! "EEEEK EEEEKK!" I squealed in dawning horror! I'm a Rat, Oh my
God, I'm stuck as a Rat!! Where is that fucking genie, I'll murder him! But of course
the genie was long gone, and so was the lunchpail! "EEKK SQUEEEAAAKK!" No
No, It's not fair!
Well, I ran around in self pity for awhile, but finally I found a nice warm home in the
basement of the apartment building. There was plenty of food, and I found the lady
rats appreciated a big, strong, smart male Rat like me. No bills to pay, no taxes, no
child support! Lots of lovely ladies! Plus I have a ball driving the super nuts! One
time I gathered up all the traps and poison and left them in his bed! I guess life isn't
so bad after all!