Cavernous Storybook CH9: The Game Of Fame
#9 of Cavernous Storybook
CHAPTER 9: THE GAME OF FAME
The next day, all of the news reporters on TV and the Internet were clamoring nonstop over Jack's amazing feat.
"Jack's feet are so sexy that-" Whoops, sorry, wrong channel.
"Jack's recent feat yesterday was so massive that no human on Earth has ever quite been able to replicate it, even with the human race having access to giant robot mech suits now. He finally defeated the infamous, morbidly obese con artist known as Mahin and ultimately saved Tokyo from sure destruction." the news reporter explained.
"However, the cost of rebuilding after the amount of damage that was clearly caused by the desperate no-holds-barred struggle between them will be, for lack of a better word, immense. So, Jack, how do you plea?" she asked him, leaning the microphone up to his mouth.
"All I can say is, I was kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And now I'm all out of gum, because that greedy bastard Mahin stole most of my gum supply." Jack explained.
"Would you mind visiting Mahin in his jail cell?" the news reporter asked him.
"Sure, why not?" Jack agreed, pushing through the massive crowd of rabid Jack fangirls as he walked out the front door of the news report building and stepped into the news reporter's limousine as the two of them drove off to the prison cell where Mahin was being held.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Broken Jaw?" Jack asked him irritatedly.
"I'm so sorry, Jack!" Mahin cried, collapsing onto his knees and clutching Jack's ankles. "I've been a real bad boy! I let all the money and power go straight to my head, didn't I?"
"Typical politicians, always making promises they can't keep!" Jack smirked, winking smugly at his television audience, the vast majority of which were already waving Jack banners high up in the air and tossing their Jack plushies up and down with joy.
"Please, your omnipotence, have MERCY!" Mahin begged.
"Hmm...how about this? After you've scrubbed all the floors in Tokyo, then we can talk about mercy! Give him a cloning gun!"
Unfortunately, this was easily without a doubt the single worst idea of Jack's entire life. The resulting massively oversized swarm of Mahins went on an eating rampage, cutting Tokyo's food supply by at least 33 percent, raising its WAHAHAHAHA rate by at least 10,000 percent, and increasing its air pollution rate by at least 20 percent over the course of just two days. But on the bright side, they certainly did _clean _all of the floors in Tokyo.
As a result, Jack became known as the guy who brought a swarm of gluttonous rats to the peaceful(?) town of Tokyo. Seeing that Jack and Mahin were both douchebags beyond comprehension, Daisuke Amaya decided to downscale their roles in the finished product of Cave Story, to the point where they both ended up being reduced into pathetically one-dimensional side characters.
To make matters even worse, Jack got sued by Kitaro for accidentally copying one of the boy's superpowers, since Misery's spell was somehow irreversible.
After being banished from Tokyo and sent back to Mimiga Island on a helicopter with Mahin in tow, Jack went to the local hospital in Mimiga Village and checked on King, who was still lying in his hospital bed somehow. Thankfully, Toroko was sleeping in a basket right next to him, looking just as diabetes-inducingly adorable as ever.
"Hi, Jackie! Tee hee hee!" Toroko giggled, nibbling on yet another chocolate-chip cookie and giving Jack a sweet sugary bunny kiss on the cheek. "Uh-oh, my tummy's feeling wibbly-wobbly again! Owie!" she squeaked, falling asleep again and clutching her tum-tum as she curled back up into her signature furball shape and snoozed, with an ever-so-cute little snot bubble sticking out of her nose. "Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne!" she squeaked as she snored.
"Are you going to say something corny and sappy in hopes that it'll make him come back to life?" Mahin asked Jack sarcastically. "Please tell me you're not."
"Oh, yes!" Jack grinned. _"_Yes, I am!"
Getting down on his knees next to the hospital bed and facing King's resting body, Jack began a ridiculously clichéd monologue inspired by watching way too many action flicks. "Cue the dramatic sad piano music!" Jack instructed the narrator as said music began playing.
"My mother risked her life for me...and now you, too." Jack sobbed weakly. "I should have saved you."
"Oh dear God, he's about to deliver the worst line of dialogue in all of recorded human history, isn't he?" Mahin realized as Jack cradled King's limp and weak body in his arms.
"I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with LIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" Jack screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice cracking with such hilariously god-awful timing that it actually managed to shatter every single glass surface in the room merely from how bad it was.
"Yup, you did it, you officially uttered the absolute worst line of dialogue I have ever heard in my entire life. Congratulations!" Mahin laughed hysterically, giving Jack the slow-clap treatment.
As the music continued playing, Jack squeezed fake tears out of his eyes as Arthur commented on how cringeworthy his acting performance was. These tears fell directly onto King's face, waking him up.
"And now it would appear that my sheer unbridled love for you has brought you back to life, King..." Jack blushed, kissing King right on the lips.
"HA! GAYYY!!!" Mahin laughed.
"Wait a minute...what's that smell?" King asked.
"Jack's acting!" Mahin snickered.
"Uh-oh, I made a great big poopie-woopie in my undie-wundies! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Toroko cried at the top of her lungs, accidentally rolling over onto her back, wiggling back and forth, and shitting out such an explosive storm of diarrhea that it actually busted a hole right through her diaper and splattered itself all over Jack's entire frickin' body from the absolutely ridiculous amount of cookies and corn she ate on a daily basis.
"Oh, what a fan-fucking-tastic way for this story to end!" Jack groaned sarcastically, rolling his eyes and wiping the half-liquid, half-undigested-corn baby excrement off of his face angrily.
"With me having to wash the fucking diarrhea-drenched shit stains _out of my formerly beautiful clothes! After getting sued out of not one, not two, but _THREE FUCKING MILLION dollars, all because of Misery's dreadful ignorance!" Jack sobbed.
"I think I'm going to be sick..." Arthur moaned.
"Are you alright, dude?" Mahin asked Jack as King carried Toroko out of the room and changed her diaper.
"Yeah, best day of my fucking life, asshole!" Jack stated sarcastically, looking at his ruined jacket in disgust. "Clean up this room while I go and reflect on how much my life sucks, will you?"
A week or two later, on the day when the actual Cave Story began, Jack, hoping to have a big, well-developed role in the game, ended up being demoted to the role of meaningless graveyard-guarding NPC.
"Nice job breaking it, hero." Arthur told him sarcastically.
"I'm such a failure." Jack sat down, buried his head in his hands and sobbed. "This is the end."
*WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT TIME ON CAVERNOUS STORYBOOK? *
*TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT! *
SAME CAVE TIME! SAME CAVE CHANNEL!