Cavernous Storybook CH6: Command and Conquer
#6 of Cavernous Storybook
CHAPTER 6: COMMAND AND CONQUER
"Attention, soldiers!" Jack spoke through the microphone, trying not to bust out laughing as he did so. "I command every single one of you to take off all of your clothes and shake them until your wallets come out, then do the chicken dance while pissing everywhere, then run out and stand on the edges of the catwalks and fall asleep with your fingers shoved up your noses like a bunch of idiots!"
"Yes, ma'am!" the soldiers obeyed.
ONE MINUTE LATER...
"Oh my god, I can't believe they actually did it!" Jack cried, rolling on the floor and pissing himself with laughter while Mahin did the same.
"Holy Jesus, that was without a doubt the best moment of my entire stinking life!" Mahin laughed hysterically. "High five, man! High five!" And so Jack and Mahin high-fived each other.
"Any last words, commander?" King smirked.
"Oh, yeah!" Jack remembered. "Attention, soldiers! You have one final command! Wake up and jump off the edges of the catwalks! Fall to your death for the greater good of society! Liberate male society from the prejudicial wrath of the Feminazis!" he commanded them.
"Oh my god, Mahin, did you frickin' see that?!" Jack snickered. "They all just jumped and died! Oh my god, this is so amazing!"
"Alright, that's enough already!" King warned them.
"Aww, but that was so much fun, King!" Jack groaned.
"Jesus H. Christ, how many freaking stories does this goddamned tower have?!" Mahin realized, gazing up at the immense height of the tower. "Oh, whatever, once you've seen one story of this stupid thing, you've seen them all! WAHAHAHAHA!"
"Man, you sure do have an eye for adventure!" King complimented Jack, slapping Jack on the back so hard he coughed up a hairball.
"Don't mention it." Jack replied, straightening his glasses.
As the five of them sprinted their way up the extremely excessive 42-and-a-half stories of the Central Defense Tower, with Mahin stuffing an entire wallet full of money into his digital storage space on each floor, the five of them sang a nice little song to the tune of the Tetris theme.
As you may know, our adventure is weird,
even though we aren't to be feared!
And of course, we are in a rut!
I'm a loser and Chako's a slut! (sung by Jack)
I may be fat, but I have quite the brain
to devise a scheme that will bring pain!
Though I am on the side of good,
I have been a dick since childhood! (sung by Mahin)
With my blade, I am a beast! (sung by King)
If you give me cookies, I'll feast! (squeaked by Toroko)
I am the eye of the storm, if you know
what I mean-
"NO!" Jack yelled at Arthur. "Goddamnit, you ruined it! You've ruined the entire freaking song! Congratulations! I hope you're frickin' proud of yourself, father!"
As the five of them stormed up onto the 42nd floor, they suddenly noticed an interesting presentation on the computer there.
"Come on, let's see what that video is about!" Arthur recommended as the five of them gathered around the computer and clicked play.
"Greetings, my beloved servants." the Doctor began. "What you are about to witness is, in fact, none other than the sad, tragic, depressing story of how I came to be. If you have not acquired the necessary supply of tissues yet, please go get some before watching this, as I am pretty thoroughly convinced that not even a single one of your teeny-weeny little bunny hearts is strong enough to handle it. Therefore, if your pathetically small heart suddenly ruptures and explodes during this presentation, I would strongly encourage you to call 911 immediately."
"Blah, blah, blah!" Mahin groaned. "What's he gonna talk about next? Instructions for how to go to the frickin' supermarket?"
"You know what? I agree!" Jack realized. "Now that I think about it, I really don't give a shit what this cock sucker's backstory is! In the end, it doesn't even freaking matter! He is nothing more than just another goddamned evil doctor! We can handle pathetic scumbags like him! Come on, everybody! Follow me! Let's go already!" he concluded, beckoning everyone to keep moving.
"That's the spirit!" Mahin chuckled, patting him on the back. "We'll make an amazing team someday, I can definitely tell you that much!"
"Put a sock in it." Jack sneered. "No, put an eyeball in it!" Arthur corrected him.
As the five of them finally reached the roof of the tower, panting from exhaustion, they met a mysterious robotic soldier who was obviously Quote.
"Put down your weapons. I'm not afraid of you." Quote warned them, drawing out his blue handgun.
"I don't care who you are, mister! Take this!" Jack yelled, firing a huge swarm of bubbles at him.
"...But I do have a deep childhood fear of acid bubbles! Here, take my jetpack! I give up! AAAAAA!!!" he screamed as he jumped off the top of the tower.
"Well, that sure was anticlimactic!" Jack sighed.
"I wonder where he'll end up landing if he somehow manages to survive that fall?" King wondered out loud.
"Probably in that stagnant old watering hole in the First Cave where everyone used to piss! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.
"Yeah, you should probably take Mahin's advice with a grain of salt, King." Jack sighed, glaring at Mahin yet again.
"Mind if I steal his jetpack?_ Pretty please?_" Mahin asked.
"Hell, no!" Jack answered. "I'm the one who saved us from that weird robot guy, so that means I should be the one who gets to keep it! Correct me if I'm wrong, which I'm usually not!"
"Anyway, I don't like this place. Let's blow it up!" Mahin suggested, slamming his fist down on the big red button in the center of the room.
"WARNING: INITIATING SELF-DESTRUCT CYCLE! UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR SORRY ASSES TO BE BLOWN ALL THE WAY TO FUCKING JUPITER, I WOULD SUGGEST EVACUATING IMMEDIATELY! YES, THAT ALSO MEANS YOU, WHOEVER JUST PUSHED THAT BUTTON!"
"So long, suckers! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed as the five of them took the old-fashioned cage elevator on the upper-right corner of the roof all the way up to safety.
"Here we are, everyone." King informed them. "Forget what I said before: This is it."
"Ah, yes, the world-famous balcony atop the island." Arthur remembered. "This is exactly where I was trying to get to when I set off on that foolish journey a few months ago, back when the current Doctor hadn't even come to power yet! But alas, I was slain by a generic mid-boss that the average Cave Story player could probably defeat within the time span of about 30 seconds. Oh, woe is me!"
"This balcony sucks! There should at least be a water fountain or something." Mahin groaned as the five of them took the next elevator down to the main part of the Balcony and then watched as a disturbingly large chunk of the island collapsed off where Mahin had set off the tower's self-destruct bomb.
"Hey, look, it's another goddamned prefab house!" King groaned, having seen no less than 42 of them while climbing up the tower previously.
"I am so sick of seeing these stupid things, but if it's the only viable place then I guess we have to sleep here." Jack shrugged as the five of them gathered in the house and slept together. Except that there was only one bed, so Jack was forced to snuggle gaily with Mahin for the whole night. "I...hate...you..."