Cavernous Storybook CH4: Jail Turds
#4 of Cavernous Storybook
CHAPTER 4: Jail Turds
"I would suggest we never do that again." Jack groaned weakly as him, King, and Mahin all woke up in Jail Cell #2 of the Doctor's infamous plantation.
"Indeed, it would not be wise." Misery smirked, suddenly appearing out of literally nowhere through the power of teleportation.
"What do you know about what's wise and what isn't, you god-damned science-hating bitch?!" Mahin yelled at her, attempting to pounce on her with his knife.
"Uh uh uhh!" Misery taunted him, levitating into the air and zapping him with a bolt of lightning from her hand. "Have I ever told you idiots about your spirit powers?"
"What the hell? Spirit powers? Are you frickin' kidding me?" King laughed.
"What is this, some kind of stupid-ass manga?" Jack groaned. "What's next, am I gonna have my fuckin' father living in my eye socket or some crazy shit like that?"
"That can be arranged." Misery snickered, casting a mysterious spell on Jack.
"Hey there, old friend!" Jack's right eye, now possessed by the spirit of Arthur, told him.
"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!" Jack screamed, hyperventilating and writhing on the floor from sheer emotional shock.
"What, am I gonna have frickin' stretchy arms now?" Mahin chuckled.
"That can be arranged too, you fat sniveling bastard!" Misery laughed, giving Mahin the power of stretchy arms.
"Goddamnit, now my arms are all limp and weird!" Mahin growled.
"Go ahead, do whatever you want with me. I do not even care anymore." King sighed, offering himself to Misery as she enchanted him with the worst curse of all.
"If you die..." Misery explained, "...your spirit shall never be able to rest in heaven. This is what you get for being a cold-blooded, bloodthirsty, egotistical douchebag and evidently failing to raise Toroko properly."
"WHAT?! I raised her FLAWLESSLY!" King argued.
"She isn't even five yet and you've already spoiled her to death." Jack pointed out.
"SHUT UP!" King yelled.
"Allow me to demonstrate!" Mahin butted in, pulling an oatmeal-raisin cookie out of his pocket and holding it up to Toroko's giggling, twinkly-eyed, blushing and smiling little kitten face so that she could adorably nibble on it like the pampered, overly domesticated little pet she was.
"EEW!! THIS COOKIE TASTES LIKE STINKY POO-POO! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Toroko wailed.
"STUPID ROTTEN CUNT!" Mahin yelled at her, slapping her across the face, which caused her to cry so loudly that the ears of every single person in the room (even hers) started bleeding.
"Shut the fuck up!" he whispered in her ear, giving her a deep-fried rainbow-chocolate-chip-and-marshmallow candy cookie and shoving a lollipop into her mouth to calm her down.
This made Toroko smile from ear to ear and squeak out the word "YUM!" so adorably than even Mahin almost had a heart attack from how mind-bogglingly cute she was, which is ironic because he probably would have had a heart attack from eating deep-fried cookies anyway.
"Ha! I bet the real _reason why the oatmeal raisin cookie tasted like crap was because you pulled it out of your _ass, wasn't it?" Jack pointed and laughed at him.
"Jack, I swear to God, I'm going to kick your ass one of these days!" Mahin growled at him.
"Oh my god, Mahin, you're right! I'm such a terrible father!" King realized, collapsing onto his hands and knees and weeping.
"Now just stick your dick right in that little opening back there-"
"GET your fucking hands off of me, you PONCE!" Jack yelled at him.
"Oh, wow, look who's freakin' talking!" Mahin bit back.
"Hey, don't you dare try that shit again, I've got my eye on you..." Arthur warned.
"Well, you know what? Your stupid frickin' eye can go look at porno mags for all I care! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.
"Jesus Christ, whose side are you on?" Misery yelled at him. "Anyway, I'll see you poor sods later! Bye-bye!"
"Alright, we've got to find a way out of here!" Jack reminded everyone.
"Right after I finish eating this nice fresh toad here! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed, chewing it up and swallowing it like it was nothing.
"Oh my god, did you seriously just eat a freaking raw, living toad?" King asked him disgustedly.
"Meh, I've eaten worse." Mahin stated flatly, deliberately attempting to burp right into King's face; luckily, King dodged out of the way just in time.
"My god, you are such an absolutely vulgar bastard!" Jack yelled at him, slapping him across the face as payback for the conversation that they had just had a few seconds ago. "Anyway, where did that toad come from? OH...I see now."
The toad had come from a little pond all the way in the back of the jail cell, which had apparently been left unchecked because there was a three-foot tall gap in the bottom of the wall that was clearly supposed to be blocking the passage of prisoners through it.
"Hmm...interesting. Well, if it works, then we might as well take advantage of it! What do you say, pals?" Jack asked his accomplices.
"As long as I don't die, I'm in! Just make sure I don't die!" King agreed.
"As long as I get to stab those Shovel Brigade assholes right in their snot-nosed little backs, you can count me in!" Mahin reluctantly agreed.
"I'm hungry! Feed me sweeties!" Toroko squeaked in the most cloyingly adorable fashion she could possibly muster as King picked her up and wrapped her up in a pink protective blanket that made it to the point where she strongly resembled a fuzzy little lop-eared bunny caterpillar in its cocoon, with its big floppy ears poking out for added cuteness effect.
"Alrighty then, follow me!" Jack commanded all of them as the four of them went through the pond, up the secret tunnel, and out the secret exit door way over on the left.
"Huh? That's weird..." To Jack's surprise, there was an immense old catwalk bridge connected across the platforms from the secret exit that he and his friends had just taken to another door all the way on the other side of the plantation; like many man-made things on the island, this would later mysteriously disappear in Cave Story proper.
"Wow, this sure is strange..." Jack realized, looking far out in front of him to see how long this bridge was. It was very long indeed.
"Not as strange as the fact that your father is living in your frickin' eye socket!" Mahin burst out laughing. "Tell me, does his incessant and completely unneeded talking ever annoy you?"
"YES." Jack responded as the four (or should I say, five) of them continued walking.
"Hmph!" Arthur sneered. "If I annoy you so much, why don't you come and catch me?" he teased, somehow jumping right out of Jack's right eye socket and making a run for it as some kind of humanoid sentient eyeball thing with the eyeball serving as its head.
"W-What'd I just see?!" Jack stammered, already strongly convinced that he was indeed most definitely going insane. "Was that-"
"Come on, step it up, will ya? We gotta get to the other side of the bridge and catch that wanker before he gets himself killed!" Mahin reminded Jack, grabbing him by the collar and yanking him along behind him with his right arm as he ran across the bridge with King.
"Last one there's a rotten corpse!" King informed everyone as he sprinted across the bridge with Toroko in his arms.
"PSYCHE!" Mahin snickered as he tripped King over with his foot, snagged Toroko in his left arm, and continued running until he reached the end. "_ WOO HOO! I win!_ Suck it, King! I'm the best there is! Now if you'll excuse me, I still have a few more amends to make."
Right when King was about to reach the goal, Mahin turned around and farted right in his face.
"You...really...are...a fat...bastard..." King choked out after collapsing onto the floor.
"Ah, snap out of it, ya big lug!" Mahin laughed, slapping him back to his senses.
"I'll admit, you got me." King chuckled. "However, I fear that what I said about the one who lost the race becoming the first one to die later on might actually be true..." he sighed.
"Well, hey, at least you get to see me do this, right?" Jack snickered, shoving Arthur back into his right eye socket.
"HURK!" King retched as the five of them entered the door to the vast unexplored cavern that housed the Shovel Brigade's not-so-secret Central Defense Tower.