Cavernous Storybook CH2: Unexpectedly Grave Consequences
#2 of Cavernous Storybook
CHAPTER 2: Unexpectedly Grave Consequences Of Stupidity
Meanwhile, in the Assembly Hall next to the graveyard back in Mimiga Village, our main protagonists were having a far different discussion that, although certainly much less limited in its interpretations, was unfortunately no less long-winded than those of the villains.
"Oh my god, who the hell cares about which of us gets to eat afterwards? Besides me, of course?" Mahin groaned. "Seriously, would you morons please just get to the freaking point already? It's already been long enough since the last time I bathed as is!"
"He does have a point, bro." Jack informed King, pointing at King with his finger. "We've been talking for, like, literally half a god-forsaken hour now! Must I remind you how little time there is for us to carry out our plan?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot what we were even talking about fifteen minutes ago!" King replied sarcastically, crossing his arms. "Go ahead and remind us, four-eyes! What's our PLAN?"
"You wanna FIGHT?!" Jack growled, throwing his jacket off as if he was about to leap into the row of chairs in front of him and tackle King right down onto the floor.
"GUYS!" Chako yelled at them. "Can we please just agree on this like proud, handsome and sexy young gentlemen? Look what you did! You made your sweet little baby Toroko cry!" she scolded them, cradling the weeping, pink-cheeked, bowling-ball-eyed entity of pure cuddle-fluff in her arms and nuzzling her ears to calm her down. This made Toroko smile and sing in her ever-so squeaky voice, causing Chako to pass out onto the floor from cuteness overload.
"Goddamnit..." Jack groaned, face-palming himself and putting his jacket back on. "Okay, look, forget about all of these pointless, overly complicated math equations I shat out onto the board. Here's our new plan. It's simple yet effective." he explained, erasing the marker-board and writing the steps for his new plan on it.
"You mean like the yaoi pairing between you and King?" Mahin snickered, catching a nasty side glare from King.
"Well...yes and no." Jack sighed, blushing and rolling his eyes. "You see, here's what we're going to do. Okay, PHASE ONE: we're going to recruit a whole bunch of random Mimigas with similarly one-dimensional personality characteristics to ours."
"And then?" King asked right before accidentally inhaling Mahin's fart gas and passing out onto the floor.
"PHASE TWO: Get in the goddamned kitchen and make me a frickin' sandwich, gay wad! Or else I'm going to fart in your face too! WAHAHAHAHA!" Mahin laughed.
"GRR..." Jack growled, gritting his teeth. "You know what? There is no phase two. Let's just skip right on ahead to phase three, shall we? PHASE THREE: We form our own army to combat the incoming Shovel Brigade and overthrow the freaking Doctor once and for all! Any questions?"
"Pardon my asking, fine sir, but what's Phase Four gonna be, huh? Is everyone gonna live happily ever after as if nothing ever happened or some shit?" Mahin asked, raising his hand.
"I wish." Jack sighed.
"Are you going to make out with King like a total fag?" Mahin snickered.
"WHAT?! NO! How on Earth could you possibly imagine something so ridiculously unbelievable happening?" Jack yelled at him in a panic, blushing and sweating like crazy.
"Ya hear what you just said? That's exactly why the very thing you just denied is, in fact, clearly going to happen, my friend...whether you like it or not." Mahin smirked, winking at him.
"You know what? Phase Four can just be you taking a fat, smelly crap on the Doctor's face for all I care!" Jack yelled at him. "Come on, let's just get on with it already, shall we?!"
"Sure, but you still owe me more potato chips, ya hear? I'm all out!" Mahin informed him, walking out through the front door.
"This is going to suck." Jack groaned, sitting down and cupping his head in his hands miserably.
"You mean like you sucking King's-"
"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Jack yelled at Mahin, chasing him away and shaking his fist at him.
"You know what?" Jack thought to himself. "I think it's about time I took a stroll through memory lane." he decided, walking into the graveyard.
"Why don't we just hire a goddamned grave-keeper so I won't have to frickin' guard this stupid place anymore?" Jack sighed, kicking the dust beneath his feet. "Usually, the only reason I ever even come here in the first place is to get high on stinking mushrooms!"
"You mean like me?" one of the sentient walking mushrooms inhabiting the graveyard asked him. "Yes, like you..." Jack sighed, hopping up onto the next floor of the graveyard and meeting some random Japanese kid who had an emo haircut hanging over his left eye for some reason.
"Greetings. I am Kitaro of the Graveyard." he introduced himself, shoving his left eyeball back into its socket. "Would you like some nice, authentic Japanese marijuana to help you make sense of the fact that my left eye is actually my father, sir?"
"Guess what? Nobody cares." Jack sighed, climbing up the ladder into the storage room as the boy disappeared off to who-knows-where.
In the storage room, Jack came face to face with the universally feared champion of the graveyard, who was none other than...get this...a blue mushroom who was barely even a foot and a half tall if that.
"Greetings, young grasshopper. They call me...MA PIGNON!" the blue mushroom introduced himself. "You dare to challenge the ultimate, legendary ninjutsu master king of the mushroom kingdom? Your bespectacled bunny-rabbit ass, I shall kick!"
"Yeah, yeah, save it for later, Mister Ego Maniac." Jack groaned.
"What do you want from me, you little scamp?" Ma Pignon inquired.
"I want the Bubbler." Jack requested. "Hand it over."
"So you want it?" Ma Pignon asked.
"Yes." Jack replied.
"But you don't really need it?" Ma Pignon asked.
"No, I really need that thing in order to survive now, since everyone already took all the good weapons." Jack replied.
"So you want it, making you think that you really need it, even though in reality you really don't need it, but you still believe that you need it anyway, even though you really just want it, although you might actually end up needing it at some point?" Ma Pignon asked him trollishly.
"I don't even know how to respond to that! APOLOGIZE!" Jack scolded him.
"Screw that, nerd-face! LET'S RUMBLE!" Ma Pignon bellowed, hopping into battle. "I hop, like a silent grasshopper in the grasslands of Grasstown, eating grass."
"Screw your stupid grass, and SCREW YOU!" Jack yelled at him, kicking him across the room.
"The jackass charges right into battle unarmed and unprepared. The scorpion knows when you strike when his enemies least expect it! GET OVER HERE!" Ma Pignon bellowed, launching himself sideways all the way across the room.
"WHOA!" Jack screamed, lunging out of the way just in time as Ma Pignon flew headfirst into one of the solid rock walls of the room, causing boulders to fall from the ceiling; luckily, Jack ran in screaming circles around the room fast enough to avoid all of them.
"What the hell was that crap?!" Jack asked the dizzied Ma Pignon, catching his breath.
"A true ninja observes his surroundings and utilizes them to his advantage, even if it will probably eventually cause his surroundings to cave in and collapse, resulting in his ignorant yet brilliantly strategic demise." Ma Pignon slurred, clearly showing his severe brain damage.
"Do you ever shut up?" Jack asked him.
"No." he replied flatly. "And now it's time for my ULTIMATE SUPER DOUKUTSU MONOGATARI MUSHROOM NINJUTSU REPLICATION ATTACK!" Ma Pignon screamed at the top of his lungs, producing several fake clones of himself.
"The true ninja knows that when he replicates himself, the enemy shall never know which him is which!" Ma Pignon gloated. "You are a true noob, you know that?"
"Oh yeah? Well, guess what: you're a true frickin' GOOMBA! How does that feel, huh?" Jack snapped back at him, jumping and stomping on all of Ma Pignon's clones before grabbing the real thing in his right hand and threatening to eat him.
"They say that true ninjas never face defeat...BUT I AM NOT A TRUE NINJA! I JUST LOOKED UP ALL THE MOVES IN A DICTIONARY! PLEASE SPARE ME! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAVE MERCY! WAAAAH!!!" Ma Pignon wailed, bawling his eyes out as he desperately attempted to wriggle his way out of Jack's grip.
"Alright, so will you finally cave in and just give me the Bubbler already?" Jack begged him.
"NEVER!" Ma Pignon sobbed, squeezing fake tears out of his eyes. "I'd rather eat my own mother for breakfast, then commit seppuku! WAAAAH!!!"
"You know what?" Jack asked him, cocking an eyebrow at him. "You're looking mighty tasty if I do say so myself! Down the hatch!" he laughed, slowly lifting Ma Pignon into his wide-open, sharp-toothed mouth.
Ma Pignon literally wet himself with fear, causing Jack to drop him and lurch backward in disgust. "Ew, yuck! _Did you _really have to freaking urinate all over my hand? If you wanted to surrender, you could have just said so!" Jack scolded him angrily, picking him up again with his left hand instead of his right.
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" Ma Pignon begged to know as Jack threw him into a pack of cannibalistic mushroom zombies.
"Let's just say...you pissed me off!" Jack replied, crossing his arms and winking at the audience amidst Ma Pignon's blood-curdling screams of pain and agony. "I hate to burst your bubble, Ma Pignon, but it looks like your time is up! And my time is now, so it looks like I'd better grab your stupid moldy crap and get going! Ciao!" Jack teased him, grabbing the Bubbler and running off.