Ridding Of Regrets
A peek into my emotions! Yikes!
What do you do when you base your own happiness solely upon one person, and suddenly that person pushes you away?
There was a tention. An invisible wall between us in the bed. Both of us, turned away from it, pretending it was not there; Both of us curious to reach through and test its strength. The invisible wall was vulnurable. For all it took was for him to roll towards me and shatter the barrier with a delicate touch. I wanted to. My heart raced and I knew he felt it. I convinced myself I didn't want to.
"What would your boyfriend say?" I told him, my voice was weak and it protested against my true desires. "Don't do anything you'll regret."
He heard me, but his hands did not.
"May I?" He whispered.
"Yes."
And so, my biggest regret took place that night.
And after that, our two months of seeing eachother, aware or our affection but not acting upon it, fell apart, along with my new-found happiness, and me.
I came back from the bathroom and found him sitting up in bed, staring into nothing. It was that which brought the afterglow to an abrubt stop and brought me back into reality. I sat next to him and put a hand on his back.
"Leo..." I said, unsure of what to say but needing to say something.
"I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend about this or the guilt will eat me alive."
I felt my heart drop and neither him or I bothered to catch it. Would it be selfish to think that if he had kept it a secret I wouldn't regret it?
I laid down in his bed and he followed suit shortly after. I softly ran my hand along his arm. His body was perfection and to feel him was like pinching myself to prove he was really there. I'd wished it would have been as romantic as I'd always dreamed of. Him holding me close as we drifted off into a slumber together. But not long after I started to feel him, he rolled away from me and rebuilt the wall between us. It was stronger than ever. I had made a mistake.
The morning after, I vomitted. I hadn't consumed any alcohol last night but I had been drunk, nonetheless. It was love that clouded my vision. He drove me home shortly after and it took merely minutes before I began to suffer a withdrawal.
The night after the incident was incredibly dreadful. I sat alone in my room with nothing to do but think and relive our time together about a thousand times. Fuck, I craved him. I needed to feel his hair between my fingers. I needed to feel his hands on my body. I needed his presense like I needed oxygen to sustain myself.
I tried everything I could to get him out of my mind. I couldn't listen to music because nearly every song on my IPod reminded me of him, when we sang along to them as we played videogames together. I tried to do the laundry but when I picked up the clothes I wore at his place, they smelled like him. A layer of tears glazed over my eyes and I knew I just couldn't wash them. I'd have felt like I'd be washing him out from my life altogether. My clothes were the embodiment of him and I smelled them once again, and began to sob. I retreated to my room, leaving my clothes in a sad heap on the floor in front of the laundry machine. It was the "Starbucks Pick Of The Week" card that lay on my bedside table that caused a sharp pain in my chest to form and I envisioned the one that Leo had on his bedside table. The pain in my chest felt as painless as an ant on my leg in comparison to the emotional pain of longing for him to be near me, and it was that which spilled the tears from my eyes.
I turned off the light and hid from myself under the covers of my bed. This was where I cried for hour upon hour. My pillow became drenched in tears and I knew I'd end up having to do laundry eventually anyways. But for now I was secluded from the outside world like a castaway on a lonely island. Soon my sorrow vanished and I wanted it back. For what took its place was a vast nothingness. Apathy. Nothing mattered to me anymore.
I texted him that night and asked him about what all went down. He said he told his boyfriend what happened and he said that we're not allowed to see eachother anymore. I felt crushed. It was probably for the best though, since pretending to be no more than friends proved to be too difficult. As much as I wished that we hadn't have had sex that night, part of me knows it was inevitable. And this was the wake up call I needed to prevent me from getting hurt even more in the future. I was so torn though. Whenever we had made plans to see eachother, they were all I looked forward to. He made me so happy, and now I had to picture my life without him and it was pretty damn bleak. I asked him if he had cried for me at all.
"Why would I have cried for you? I cried because I hate myself for what I did. Roland, we were nothing but friends. And what happened that night was nothing but lust. A spurr of the moment." That was his response. Shit. So that's what it felt like to have someone break your heart.
"You told me you liked me. Leo, I fell so hard for you and you know that. Why would you do that to me?"
"I don't know. I fucking hate myself. I'm sorry."
I didn't reply to that.
"Besides, I'm not the one you need. I'm an asshole, Roland. Would you really wanna date someone like me? Someone who just cheated on his boyfriend?"
Jesus Christ. I stopped texting him then and there. And it was then and there I decided there was nothing else to do but get over him. It seemed a daunting task.
There were just a few days left of March Break and I had planned on getting homework done. But instead I did nothing. It was a vicous cycle. I wanted to do things so that I could shake off the sorrows but then I didn't want to do anything because of my sorrows, and the thought of not doing anything made my sorrows even worse. So I just layed in bed, thinking. The most I did was go for an hour long walk with a coffee and some music to clear my head. That was nice. But after my walk I was plunged back into the same empty, lonely, dark, dull den that was my room. I'd never thought I'd say this in my lifetime but I actually wanted to go back to school. Usually it's people I grow weary of, but during March Break it was myself and my own goddamn thoughts and my own dumbass emotions I grew weary of. Fuck.
I wish I hadn't have gotten so involved with him. We met online, we both had the same type of blog on Tumblr. When I had hosted a game of Cards Against Humanity online for my Tumblr followers, he joined the game. And after the game, we exchanged Skype names and got to know eachother. We instantly connected and we talked until 2am on a school night. It wasn't until the very end of our chat, when we realised we lived in the exact same city. We exchanged phone numbers and started texting eachother constantly. It wasn't long before I fell head over heels for him. We agreed to meet up for a coffee one day, and I went with a friend to be safe (and for support because I was nervous as fuck.). The coffee "date" went great. We connected instantly again and he looked even better in person than in his picture! The only thing that bothered me was the fact that he ordered a triple triple coffee (if you could even call that coffee anymore.).
Then we met up for sushi alone. And I made him a bracelet just like the one I wear. He still wears it to this day. The funny thing was, he's allergic to chocolate, and since the sushi restaurant only allows one deep fried mars bar per customer, I made him order one for me. Selfish, I know, but c'mon. Deep fried mars bars are pretty much the best things ever invented.
We met up a lot more, and at that point, he was aware of my affection towards him, and he told me he felt the same way towards me. But he also said that he loves his boyfriend very much. I should have known when to quit. But love's a funny thing. It can make a fool out of anyone.
I'd slept at his house earlier on March Break, and we'd been fine. We played video games, went shopping, got starbucks. We watched a movie together and then went to bed. It was awkward though, the invisible wall was felt by both of us. But neither of us dared to defy it. We enjoyed our time together so much though, we just had to plan another one. The next one went by just as great as the previous one. And believe me, I had no intentions of doing anything sexual with him that night. But, there was no doubt that I wanted to.
It took a long time for me to get over him. Weeks after march break, in fact. It was not a good time. But I managed to pull it off and prove to myself that I could live without him, and be happy without him.
Now, he's calling me on the phone at three in the morning, crying.
"What's wrong?" I say, staring into the dark of my room. He doesn't say anything for a while, just cries. "Leo?" I say again.
"I... I still have feelings for you." He says, finally. I'm shocked! And... I'm angry.
"You said you didn't like me."
"I lied. Of course I like you. I just tried to convince myself that I didn't like you to try and salvage whatever was left of my relationship with my boyfriend."
"Well... Jesus." I say, agitated. "You fucking broke my heart! As soon as you said you didn't like me, our entire time spent together felt like a big lie! And I forced myself to get over you! Do you know how fucking hard that was, Leo?! I fucking loved you!"
"Roland... I... I'm sorry."
"After all this time spent trying to get over you, I finally do, and suddenly you can't? You're the one with a fucking boyfriend! I'm the one who spends every night alone! Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"
"Roland, please!" He pleads. I'm so fucking angry. He lied to me, he broke my heart and went right back into the comfort of his relationship and I was left alone in the dark with nothing but regret and sorrow. "Roland... I broke up with my boyfriend."
I pause. I flick on the lamp by my bed and the light illuminates my room. I know now that I don't need him. But now he's right in front of me, with no barrier between the two of us. All I have to do is give in, just as I did before. But to give in, would make me vulnurable.
"Roland? Are you still there?" He says, sniffling, clearly anxious. He too, was now vulnurable. He handed his heart over to me and I could make the choice to either stab it as hard as I could and watch it die, or nurture it and hand over my own in exchange for it. His heart beats rapidly in my hand.
"I'm still here." I tell him absent-mindedly. We stay silent for a while and eventually I come up with a decision. I feel his heart skip a beat.