Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 66
66
There were eight of them, all lined up, their hands and feet bound tightly. Danado limped down the line, inspecting each of them in turn, the rage in his heart slowly coming to a boil.
Seffer was unconscious, with a huge bump growing out of his forehead, courtesy of Sorrin and his improvised club. The same was true of Denko, except he still had a good chunk of arrow lodged in his knee in addition. Farther down was Ivio. He was a bloody mess, with at least a dozen broken arrow heads sticking out of his arms and legs. He kept drifting in and out of consciousness and muttering about 'sticking' someone. Next to him was Hyker. He hadn't regained consciousness at all since getting better acquainted with that tree, but every time he breathed a flurry of bloodbubbles would splurt from his crushed muzzle and drip down his shredded lips, and the noise it made was damn annoying.
The other four were still awake, and they were frightened.
Danado felt a queer kind of satisfaction seeing them cower like that with their backs propped up against the trees, their fevered eyes darting from hostile face to hostile face. It was a fitting reversal from the time they had him all tied up exactly like this, waiting for the punishment to come.
But he did not feel happy. He didn't think he would ever feel happy again. And it was all thanks to the Wolf at the far end of the line.
Dorin.
"How are the others?" he asked Nilia as she bent down to inspect his bonds.
"They're mostly fine," she answered. "Hyker will have pain, but he'll live. I'm not so sure about Ivio, though. That trap was only intended to pierce his feet. We didn't have much time to set things up properly, so..."
Dorin nodded. "Yeah. We didn't have much time, either."
"They got exactly what they deserved," Danado said. "Actually, I think they got off rather light." He half-expected someone to stop him, to tell him to shut up, or hold his tongue, but both sides were quiet. Dorin and his men simply kept their heads down, occasionally giving each other frightened glances. The rest weren't much different. Mellah and Sorrin were standing side by side, like always. Renna was supporting Hezzi, who looked so tired he seemed to be on the verge of collapse. Nilia was concentrating on her work, tying the final knot around Dorin's wrists in absolute silence.
"Why so quiet?" Danado asked, looking from face to face. No one would look him in the eye. "I decide to speak and it suddenly becomes quiet as the grave? Are you all walking on eggshells? Is that it? Can't speak to poor Danado? First he got crippled, then he watched his sister get murdered, and now he's quite clearly gone insane? Oh, I know! Let's all pity him, that'll help! We'll just stay quiet and look at him as he raves and spouts his crazy talk and when he's not looking we'll just shake our heads and be thankful it happened to him and not us! Is that right?"
"No," Nilia said softly. "It's not right. None of it is right. The things they did to you, they were horribly cruel and just... unfair. They took things that you can never get back, and that's wrong. But, Dan, you can't make things right again by doing what you're thinking of doing. That'll only make things even worse, even _more_wrong."
"What was that, Nilia?" Danado almost felt like laughing out loud. "Doing what I'm thinking of doing? Are you in my head now? Can you hear my thoughts? I find that very funny, because even I don't know what I'm thinking of doing. Maybe I'll do this!?" He pivoted on his heel and kicked Thoka right in the gut. The fat Wolf only grunted, but the pain that shot through Danado's toes was immense. It felt like someone had ripped out his bones, set them on fire, and then cruelly shoved them back in. "Was that it, Nilia? Huh?" He said through gritted teeth, a crimson cloud of blood seeping through his wrappings. "Was that what you were thinking I was thinking of doing? Huh!?"
Nilia only looked at him. She didn't frown. She didn't scoff. She didn't smile or cry or laugh or rage or do anything. She simply looked at him like she always looked at everything.
On some level Danado knew he was making a spectacle of himself, but he couldn't care less. It was the looks he was getting from his friends and enemies alike, all different, but all the same in the end. Sorrin had stepped in front of his mate as if to protect her. Hezzi and Renna were sporting almost identical looks of shock and fear. It was the kind of look you'd give to a dying animal caught in a trap. You felt sorry for it, you might even want to try and help it, but you were too scared to go near it because it might bite.
Animal.
The real animal here was...
"Dorin... you promised me. You promised that if I stayed quiet and didn't rat you out, that nothing would happen to Lana. I believed you, but you lied to me."
Dorin didn't try to argue his way out, or make excuses, or defend himself in any way. He simply nodded his head and said, "I did."
That wasn't enough. That wasn't nearly enough. The brevity of that statement alone made Danado see red. He wanted Dorin to say something. He wanted the bastard to put up some kind of resistance. He wanted something to throw himself at, tooth and claw. What he did not want was this pathetic passivity! "You killed my sister, you son of a bitch! You took a knife and you stuck it in her heart and you killed her! Say something, dammit!"
Dorin didn't answer. He simply stared back with tired eyes, his face perfectly still.
"You..." Danado was seething. He had curled his fingers into fists and he could feel the pressure building where his claws used to be, burning like fire, throbbing in time with his frenzied heartbeat, just like the knife had throbbed inside his sister's chest as she lay there, dying. "You animal!"
There was a small pile of weapons and other equipment lying in the snow, all confiscated from their pursuers. Danado didn't aim for anything in particular when he stuck his hand inside, but what he ended up pulling out came as no surprise. It was as if fate itself was giving him the go ahead.
It was a simple knife with a bare, wooden handle. No decorations. Plain and ugly.
It was the same knife that had claimed Lana's life.
"I'm going to kill you, Dorin," he said, gripping the hilt so hard that beads of blood were slowly starting to seep from his already strained fingertips.
Nilia stood up, but made no attempts to get in his way. It was Hezzi that did that.
"Wait, stop!" He broke free of Renna's gentle grasp and almost fell flat on his face. He'd been doing a good job of masking the pain up until now, but that stab wound in his back was clearly giving him trouble, and it was only getting worse the more he moved.
Renna tried to steady him, but he pushed her away. "Stay back, Renna. I have to talk to him."
"But, Hezzi! You're hurt!"
"Dan's hurt worse than I am! Now let me go!"
She backed away, her hands covering the bottom half of her face while Hezzi lurched closer and closer. The battle scars across his face were still fresh and shining in the moonlight. That's where he'd strike the meddlesome pup if he tried anything.
Hezzi reached out to him with shaking fingers, a pleading expression on his face. "Dan, listen to me. I know you're in a dark place right now, I've been there myself. I know what it feels like to want to kill someone so badly that nothing else matters, not even family. I almost killed my own brother because all I could feel was hate. I almost took a broken bow and put it in his eye because I thought it would somehow make my pain go away, but that's not what did it. The only way to let go of all that pain is to -"
"Hug it out, like you and Ander did? Do you want me to get down on my knees and cry and talk about my feelings? Don't be a fool, Hezzi. This is not the same."
"Lana wouldn't want you to do this!"
He shouldn't have mentioned Lana. Danado pointed the knife at Hezzi's head. He was so angry he could barely keep the point from shaking. "We don't know what Lana would have wanted, because she isn't around anymore. She was killed by that piece of filth behind you! Now get out of my way!"
"That's not true! She made you promise, didn't she!? She made you promise to stay like you are! She wanted you to stay different!"
"Get out of my way, Hezzi!"
"No! Think about what you're trying to do! Once you cross that line you can never go back! Once you break that promise, you can never make it up to her! Please, Dan..." Hezzi reached out to him. "Please..."
Hezzi was tired and weak. A single blow to the forehead would be more than enough to drop him. Danado stepped forward.
Nilia moved like a spectre. One moment she was beside Dorin, among the trees, the next she had her fingers curled around Hezzi's outstretched arm. "Stop it, Hezzi," she said, slowly forcing his hand down.
"But, Nilia! We have to stop him! He's going to kill Dorin! He's going to -"
"Perhaps he will, and perhaps he won't. But that is not for you to decide. This decision belongs to Danado and no one else."
"But -"
"You have no right to tell him what to do." Nilia's face didn't change in any way that Danado could perceive, but Hezzi must have seen something in her eyes, because he made no further arguments.
Good. That pup was way out of line, speaking about Lana like that, as if he had forgotten her final words. But what Hezzi didn't understand was that he was doing this for her. She deserved justice. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a life for a life. That's what she would have wanted.
Wouldn't she?
Promise me, Dan...
He shook his head and turned to face Dorin, waiting patiently in the snow. His men were terrified, but he looked calm, as if he were sitting by a nice, warm fire.
Danado flipped the knife over in his hand, so that the blade pointed downwards. In the background he could hear Sorrin telling his mate to take Renna away someplace, and that was fine by him. That girl didn't need to see any more blood tonight. He listened to their footsteps going deeper into the woods, and he stared down at Dorin's face, at the eerily calm expression plastered all over it, like he was about to go to sleep after a long, hard day.
Danado had never felt like this in his entire life. He wanted nothing more than to plunge this knife into Dorin's neck and twist it wide open, but he also wanted this creature to understand what he had done. He wanted him to know what he had taken away. But how do you explain something like that? It would be like trying to explain the warmth of the sun to a rock.
"You killed my sister," he said. He knew he was repeating himself, but that was the crux of the matter, wasn't it? "I loved her, and you killed her. You took her away." Bitter tears flowed down his face, cutting twin lines of warmth through his icy cold cheeks, just like the blood that had flown from Lana's lips.
"I did."
"Is that all you have to say?"
"What else is there? I have no excuses. It is exactly as you said. I killed her."
"Well I have something to say! I have lots to say! And you'd better sit there and listen to every damn word!" Danado was shouting so loud it felt like he was tearing his own throat apart, but he didn't care. Anything to make Dorin show any shred of emotion other than that misplaced serenity. "Lana was my big sister! She's the one who looked after me when our parents died! She's the one who slapped me on the back when I was feeling sad and made stupid jokes when I was feeling happy! She was the one who punched Tovik in the face when he kept hassling me! She taught me how to shoot a bow! She showed me what herbs could make a piece of meat taste just right! She was the one that could barter rabbits for rats! Living in that hell hole was only bearable because of her! I was never alone! She was always by my side, no matter what! Sometimes she snored, and she liked to overcook the food so bad the whole tent filled up with smoke, but she was my sister and I loved her more than anything! You took her away from me, Dorin! Do you honestly have nothing to say about that!? Nothing at all!?"
Danado felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn't pull air in fast enough. Everything he had said, all the words he had spoken, they were merely pale representations of the tiniest fragments of the memories he was trying to convey, sharp little splinters in his head that only stung him the more he tried to force them out.
"Actually, I do have something to say." Dorin leaned back against the tree and tilted his head to the side, exposing his neck. "Do it."
Danado stared at the hills and valleys formed by the tendons on Dorin's neck for a very long time. They moved slightly every time he swallowed. "Are you mocking me, Dorin?" he asked. "Do you think I won't do it?"
"The opposite. If I'm going to die, I want you to be the one to do it. You can never have justice for what happened to your sister, but you can have vengeance. Maybe they're the same thing, or at least close enough so that you can't tell the difference. All I ask is that you let my men go."
"Don't give me that tripe!" Danado thundered. "What is with this self-sacrificing drivel all of a sudden!? I know what you are, Dorin! And I know what you are not! So stop pretending otherwise!"
"'Self-sacrificing'? Is that what you think I'm doing? No, Dan. I'm not selfless like that, I'm selfish." Everyone was listening now. Even Thoka had given up trying to break free of his bonds and was staring at his leader with wide eyes. "I'm not doing this out of some twisted sense of Wolf honour, or duty to my people. I just..." He looked up, and the tears in his haunted eyes was enough to make Danado take a step back. All masks were gone now. "I just want it to stop!" he screamed. "Every time I close my eyes, hell, every time I blink, I see her. I see that knife you're holding sticking out of her chest. I see it twitch back and forth. Sometimes I can feel it in my hands, pushing it deeper. I see the way she looks at me, all confused at first, and then it dawns on her, that she's dying, that I'm the one killing her. I hear her call me an animal over and over and over again, whispering it in my ear like some curse. I can't take it anymore, Dan! Just do it already! Take that knife and stick it in my neck! Do it!"
Danado was cold, he was angry, he was in a lot of pain, but he was also scared of this thing in front of him. There was something about it that just seemed hideously unnatural.
"What are you waiting for!?" he shrieked. "Do you want to cut out my claws first? Go ahead!" He held out his bound hands like an offering. His eyes were wide and crazy. "Maybe you want to slit my wrists? Watch me bleed out? That'll be fun, won't it? Just like my mother. That's the way I found her, did you know? I was just a kid, running around outside, like kids do. It was hot, so I decided to go back inside. It was dark in there, Dan. Going from the harsh light outside to the gloom inside that tent was like stepping into a cave. It even had that danky, soppy floor like some caves do, except this wasn't water. No, not water. I saw her sleeping, but she wasn't really sleeping because her eyes were still open. I went to her and my feet made these weird splashing noises. When I looked down, I saw that I was standing in a pool of blood. It had spread through the entire tent, and it was coming from my mother. Someone had slit her arms wide open from wrist to elbow. The way she looked at me with those dead eyes is the same way your sister looks at me every time I close mine! So do it, Dan! Close my eyes forever so I don't have to look at it anymore! I just want everything to be black forever! Do it, Dan! DO IT!! If you don't, I'll just end up doing it myself, just like everybody said my mother did! But I know they lied! You know how I know? Because I loved her and she loved me, and I know that the only way she would kill herself was if she was feeling the way I feel right now, miserable enough to want to go to sleep and never wake up again, and I know that's not true, because we had each other! Why would she kill herself when she had a little boy to look after? Why... why would she do that?"
Danado was shaking. The knife in his hand felt so much heavier than before.
"What are you waiting for!?" Dorin yelled. "I killed your big sister! I did it! She's the one who looked after you, wasn't she!? She's the one who slapped you on the back when you were sad and made stupid jokes when you were happy! She taught you how to shoot a bow! She could barter rabbits for rats! You were never alone because she was always by your side, no matter what! She was your sister and you loved her more than anything and I took her away! So what are you waiting for!? If she were here right now, she'd tell you to do it! Take that knife and shove it in my neck! Do it, Dan! DO IT!!"
If she were here?
She made you promise, didn't she!? She made you promise to stay like you are! She wanted you to stay different!
Danado looked down at the knife in his clawless hands. He could see his own eyes reflected back at him, the same shade of dark brown as his sister's, staring through the shining sliver of the blade.
I'm so sorry I hurt you. I only wanted to make things right. It's all I could think about. I was so angry. I wanted to hurt the one who had hurt you, but in the last moment it wasn't even about you anymore. I just wanted him dead. I wanted him dead, for me_. Because I hated him._
It was like he was hearing Lana's last words again, but reversed, as if he were the one dying in the snow, talking to his crying sister.
A tear dropped from his face and struck the blade, distorting the reflection. It ran along the edge, as if the mirror was crying real tears in the real world.
Dan, no matter what happens, promise me you'll stay like you are. Promise me you'll stay different. Don't become like me. Stay strong. Don't throw everything away. Don't turn into an animal. Promise me, Dan. Please, promise me...
"I promised..." Danado whispered. His throat burned. Tears streamed from his eyes. He could barely breathe through his hitching sobs. "I promised her I'd stay different... It was the last thing she ever asked of me..."
Through the blurry haze of tears he could see Dorin's face contort into something demonic. His lips were peeled back and his fangs were bared. "Your sister was a bitch and a whore and everyone hated her!" he shouted, thick lines of drool dripping from his mouth. "I stuck that knife in her heart while you watched and I loved every second of it! Right now everyone back home is raping her corpse and it's all because of me!"
Danado gripped the knife.
"When they're done with her they'll throw her violated body in the woods for the crows to fight over, just like you said!"
He raised it above his head.
"Flies will lay eggs in her mouth and maggots will eat her from the inside out! She'll bloat in the sun and burst open like a -"
He plunged the knife down and Dorin closed his eyes. Did he see Lana in that moment, like he said he did every time he blinked? If he did, what did she say to him? Did she call him an animal? Did she whisper her curse one last time?
Danado didn't know. The only thing he was sure of was that he could hear Lana's voice in that silent moment, whispering in his ear.
That's my stupid little brother...
She sounded so happy.
Dorin opened his eyes. He turned his head and saw where Danado had driven the knife deep into the flesh of the tree, barely an inch from his face. He turned back, tears silently running down his cheeks, and asked: "Why?"
Danado stepped back, his knees weak, his fingers and toes throbbing an excruciating beat. "Because I promised her... I'd stay different..."
And that was it. He could take no more. It was the anger and hatred that had kept his sadness at bay, and releasing it opened the gates, allowing him to feel every ounce of misery he had tried so hard to bury. He could feel it crash into him, wave after wave of crushing despair; relentless, unstoppable.
He staggered back, feeling like he might quite literally fall apart. A gut-wrenching sob burst through his throat, sending shockwaves through his entire body, doubling him over with the sheer weight of it all. He was hitching so badly he could barely breathe. His tears were so thick he could barely see.
He was drowning in sorrow and loss.
He could hear the others watching in horror, whispering to each other in hushed tones, not knowing what to do. Until...
"Don't. He needs to be alone right now."
"Let her go, Nilia."
"What can she possibly do for him? Except make things worse?"
"My Mellah has a special gift. She can't swing an axe or shoot a bow, but this... this she can do. Let her go."
Ever since his sister had died in his arms, Danado had lived only for vengeance, but that was gone now. He was all alone, as if encircled by a black ring of nothingness. But then he wasn't alone. There was a hand on his shoulder, a kindly face smiling at him.
"Dan?" It was Mellah. She was all blurry, but he could tell it was her. He turned away, but that only made her grip his shoulder even harder. "Dan, come here."
"N- No!" he said and tried to push her away, but his arms had no strength left. "Leave me alone!"
Her hands were warm and soft, but strong at the same time. They grabbed him and pulled him in close, despite his feeble protests, and it was with a sense of shock and bewilderment that he realized he was being hugged. "M- Mellah? What -"
"Shh shh shh," she whispered, lightly rubbing his back as if he were a child. "You don't have to say anything unless you want to. It's best to just let it out. It's okay, I've got you."
Danado raised his hands to push her away, but in the last moment he wrapped them around her middle instead, not even sure why he was doing it. He didn't try to resist at all when she put her hand on the back of his neck and gently pushed his face against her shoulder. All he knew was that the world was cold, but she was warm, and being held felt good.
He took in a deep, shuddering breath and whispered, "I miss her, Mellah..."
"Of course you do. You loved each other very much."
"She's gone... She was my sister and she's gone..."
"It's okay, it's okay..."
Danado shook his head, no doubt smearing her clothes with his snot, but she didn't seem to mind. "It's not okay. She's dead and I'm all alone and it will never be okay again..."
"That's not true, Dan," she said. It really was a gift, a special power known only to mothers. It was the power to take sadness from others and into yourself, where it could do no more harm. "Lana is gone, but you're not alone. You've still got the promise you made to her. It's whole and intact, and I'm sure that, wherever your sister is now, she's looking down at you with a smile. And you've still got us, don't you? Don't we count for something?" Danado didn't trust himself to speak, so he nodded instead, content just to listen to her words. "I know it hurts, and I know how bad it can get. But you can't shut yourself away. If you share that sadness with those who love and care about you, you can find happiness again." She shifted a little, and although Danado couldn't know for sure, he was positive she was looking at Sorrin right then. "It won't happen all in one day," she went on, "and sometimes it will feel just as bad as it does now, but believe me, it will happen. The days will go by, and they will be difficult at first, but then a day will come that won't be so bad, maybe even a day that you forget to be sad at all, and even those days will be hard at first, because maybe you don't want to not be sad, because that would be like forgetting the one you miss so much. But here's the amazing thing." She pulled back a little so she could look him in the eye. "You've got friends who love you very much, who don't want you to be sad. You will pick yourself and put on a brave smile for their sake, and just like everything else in store for you, it will be hard at first, no more than a fake smile to get through the sad days, one by one. But eventually those days will become less and less, and the days where you forget to be sad will come by more often. Sooner than you think, your smile will stop being fake, and that's when a miracle will happen. Do you know what that is?" Danado shook his head, and Mellah gave him a warm smile. "You will start living again."
Living again? Danado didn't know if that was possible. The pain was still so fresh. Even now, memories of the time he had shared with his sister kept flashing through his mind. The time they had goofed off all day long at the river when they were cubs. How they had drawn pictures in the mud with sticks. How Lana had found a dead frog and thrown it in his hair. There were thousands more just like that, waiting to be triggered like some cruel trap in his head.
"Shh shh shh," Mellah embraced him again, wrapping him tightly in her warmth. "You don't have to worry about any of that just now. It's enough to cry."
Danado hugged her back and he cried into her shoulder, thinking about the promise he had made and almost broken.
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