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What Is To Belong

By Zatarra L. Vulpe

I used to have a thing for gaming. I felt like my hands were more comfortable over a controller than even on the steering wheel. Thanks to a few programs I'd figured out I was in the top ten percent of the games I loved, which were mostly shooters and strategy. My fingers would twitch and things would happen, people would die and victories would be won. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Of course online reputation means little for the meat that is the non-light speed 'real.' Talking to people wasn't really a thing I did. I would go for long stretches without physically seeing anyone, just heading out for food and brief contact with my real life friends. Which is why the day I tapped the power button and heard a sharp 'pop' I felt like I was going to die.

"Ma! The thing's broken!"

"Looks like you'll have to wait then, it's insured!"

"How long?!"

"A few weeks at the earliest!"

The first few minutes I had my fingers in my scalp. My world didn't fall apart, it ceased to exist. I was stuck in meatland.

My fingers were frustrated, dancing over my lap as though it were a keyboard. Ma had to take the computer, so I didn't even have that to practice on. My room wasn't particularly clean, but there wasn't much in it anymore. I practically had a small library before I started selling them for more games. Now I had maybe ten books that I couldn't get rid of anywhere. I barely recognized them. One was bound in black leather and the title had been worn off.

"Huh, weird."

It looked like someone trying to mimic doctor's signatures. It took a while to parse together shapes into words, then sentences. Thankfully there were also pictures: surprisingly detailed cutaways of toadstools with little houses inside, small rings of mushrooms with diagrams of tiny figures dancing around them. Then close ups, anatomy drawings, or as close as one could get I suppose. A few were all gentle angles and symmetrical proportions, extended ears and flowing, free hair. Others seemed to exude cruelty, black leaves covering their form and long whips with thick scars on their faces and hands. All of them were beautiful, if impossible.

The one that stood out to me the most was in fact painted onto the page. Her wings stood wide, clad in fiery autumn leaves around the hip and bust. Her garb was simple, but her smile was wide, eyes narrowed to near blackness. Something about her wasn't quite 'nice' or 'cruel,' just something between, something too beautiful to define. The top of the page simply read 'Arethusa ' in thick letters. She exuded power. The picture seemed to have a photographic quality, like it was pulled straight from the artist's vision.

The weirdest part is that this book didn't seem to have any kind of preface or explanation. It was signed in the back, Ethan Saul, a name that didn't seem to show up on my cell's search engine as an author. It seemed childish to think about, but I suppose I didn't have much else for entertainment.

I guess it was the reason I decided to go for a walk in the woods, and by the woods I meant a path just off of our local park. It was pretty low intensity, just weird, dark. Occasionally I'd feel a little snag on my shoulder and turn back to see nothing, not even a branch. The trees did something weird to the light, warping it, like it came through a crystal. The path seemed to end at a little clearing. I couldn't hear any cars or see any people. For a moment I wondered if they still existed.

Not given a path, I was hesitant. I decided to explore the clearing a bit. The grass was green, the trees seemed to shy away from the center somehow. The light almost seemed brighter here. The sun was dipping in the sky, a fire on copper color. I almost didn't need to open my eyes to see where I was headed. The clearing lead down a short slope, near a stream. I took a little seat near it and leaned my head over the side. It was pure enough to have come out of a bottle. I reached in and grabbed a hard, cold egg. I skipped it across the way and the name came to mind. It felt like chewing.

I grabbed another stone and was about to skip it. I threw my hand forward and nothing came out. The stone was gone. It took a moment to spot the thing, rolling uphill. I just stared. This was computer withdrawal. When not in front of a monitor I must have developed some kind of clear psychosis. That or a stone was actually rolling uphill. I decided to see which was which.

I followed the little thing. It was like a pearl, just rolling along, moving toward the tree line. I was reminded of every indie adventure game I've ever played. The stone kept bouncing, unimpeded by rocks or roots, through leaves and still clear, shining with the sun's slight verdant. I noticed mushrooms, ones that caught the light in an odd way, with weird blues and purples. A few of them seemed to actually glow, which made it easy to see as the light was dying. Then the pebble stopped.

I grabbed it and picked it up. There wasn't anything on it, other than moisture. It was still cool to the touch. With that I decided to glance around me.

I was in the center of a ring of mushrooms, mushrooms that are clearly glowing. The forest was thick with them. I didn't know how deep I was, it must have been very, since I didn't see any path that might have lead back. They grew straight out of trees and in healthy grass. I heard they were decomposers, and not many of them actually glow, it didn't make sense. I looked up. I could see the moon hanging over the trees, just peeking through the canopy.

"Crap."

I just sat I the center of the ring. There wasn't really anything I could do. There was no path, and if there was who knows if the mushrooms would be there to guide me. I didn't want to sleep here, but I was getting tired. I thought better of it. I'm alright, I'll just wait till morning, no problems. Maybe. I'd never been outside in the dark. It was a little cooler, but at least it wasn't raining.

Then I heard something, flitting by my ear. It sounded like an insect. I practically dived away from it. I hate insects, especially bees. The noise got louder, more numerous. This was it. I would be stung to death.

"Oooh, a tall thing?"

"A tall thing, what kind of tall thing?"

"It looks oversized."

"Maybe it's a pig?"

"Maybe it should be a pig!"

"We could make it a pig."

"It's wearing these."

"They're not leaves!"

"How strange, wearing things that aren't leaves."

"They're fluffy, soft, like wool."

Then there was a sound, a soft tone. The buzzing stopped. I looked up. I was surrounded by small, light... people? They carried something of a gentle inner glow, had long wings, sharp and small features on impossibly small bodies. They were kneeling, utterly silent, smiling and snickering to each other.

"The Lady comes for the tall thing."

"The Lady comes, The Lady comes."

I glanced between them and pushed myself off of the ground.

"Uh... Are you all?"

"Shhh! Silence tall thing! The Lady is-"

The air in front of me flashed a brilliant autumn red, bright and bold. The voice that rang out next was loud, firm, seeming to hint barely controlled emotion.

"Who dares speak? Who here feigns ignorance of my laws?"

She was brilliant red. The leaves on her breast and hips were brighter than the evening sun he'd seen only moments ago. Her eyes were sharp, blacker than void. Her lips were razor thin, red, her body too thin to be real. As small as she was, she radiated authority; the ones around her leaned away as though in fear of being burned. Her void eyes stared at me. Her annoyed countenance slid slowly into a smile. Her teeth were perfect white, small and sharp. I was charmed and terrified at once.

"Aaaahhh, it has been some time since I have met your sort. Was it you that spoke my name?"

The words wouldn't come.

"Certainly it must have been. Everything is quite alright my subjects, we simply have a human amongst us. Back to your revelry, I wish to speak to this one."

"Is he a pig? Can we make him one?"

"Calm yourselves, leave us for now."

The fairies flew off, giggling and laughing, their glowing forms dancing like rainbow fireflies. Her eyes were batting at me.

"So you know of my name, clearly many of you humans have heard of me?"

"Uh, not really."

She paused for a moment, there was the barest snarl about her features before she smiled again. "I beg your pardon?"

"The only reason I knew is because I had a book from... I dunno, somewhere."

"Do not your gentry enjoy books? Certainly the works of Ethan Saul are familiar to the nobility of your courts."

"Uh, nope, just heard of him."

"But it's been so many centuries! My book is certainly infallible, it has such long stories and interesting pictures, the likes of which your nobility have never seen!"

"You mean like a picture-book?"

"Indeed, like... picture-books?"

"Yeah, it's what we usually show to kids."

"Goats?!"

"No, like, young people, like babies."

"Your culture is far more confusing than I had first anticipated. Doesn't your nobility put prose to the page so that later humans may learn of their past?"

"Nobility?"

"Your lords and ladies, leaders of whatever you call the 'Human court.'"

"Uh... The senate?"

"Who is your king?"

"We don't have one."

Arethusa stared at me for a moment. Somehow she'd grown in intensity if not in size.

"You must be lying."

"I'm not, we don't have a king, this is America."

"I know very well that we are currently in the territories colonized by the British Empire, under King George the Third, though I suppose humans do not live as long as my own people, why have we not seen an envoy from your court in so long?"

"What? No, we're not British anymore, that was, like, a long time ago."

"Well then what are you?"

"American."

"But who rules you?"

"Nobody."

Arethusa seemed to grow enraged for a moment, then paused, her expression melting into one that seemed almost sad, maybe pitiful.

"You are without a human court? Without ruler ship? Without nobility? This is troubling to hear, you poor human. I give you my deepest sympathies, your life must be so hard with the fall of your civilization. How ever do you survive with no order or purpose?"

"Uh, I get by I guess."

"This shall simply not do, not in the slightest. My new human friend, I must take you in. You shall be adopted by our court and learn the ways of civilization."

"But I live somewhere already, I-"

"Come now, I shall not have no as an answer, to live without civilization is not to live at all. I shall have to introduce you to the rest of the court soon."

"Well, that's fine, I guess."

She stared at me for a moment. "Hmm, first I must know of your use."

"My what?"

"Your use. Are you a laborer, a crafter, a warrior? What is your use?"

"Uh, well, I'm good at games."

"Games? No no no, not leisure, what do you do?"

"Yeah, I mostly play games, that's what I do."

She frowned slightly. "Okay, perhaps there is an easier way to go about this."

She flew up and touched me on the forehead. Everything spun for a moment, my mind was growing foggy. I was aware of my surroundings, but everything else blanked out of my mind.

"Who are you?"

My name was... I shook my head.

"What are you?"

"I'm a.... I..."

"Where are you from?"

"I don't know."

She smiled. "Good. Your mind is a bit empty isn't it? Shhhh, don't speak, just follow me, okay?"

She drifted toward the mushrooms. I took a step. They seemed to grow, towering over me. First I thought the world was growing around me, but it seemed like I was growing so much lighter, the wind would push me and the smells grew sharper. I was at the foot of a towering mushroom and following the fairy. At the time I felt... Empty. All of it made so much sense to me, my eyes hung on her absolutely. I felt aware, but there was nothing behind it.

"Now what is your use?"

"I don't have one."

"Why not?"

"Humans don't have them."

"Well that's just no good, everything has a use."

"Humans don't have them."

Her slim eyebrows drew down, not even a wrinkle as she considered my words as absolute truth, totally unfiltered. We were in a large place, deep and dark but for a glow at the end of a long hall.

"Hmm, well, I suppose there's just no helping it."

I didn't speak, just followed into a bright red room, a large throne resting against the far wall and great, hollowed spaces in the tall walls of wherever we were. There were deep rings in the floor, but they were smooth, slightly moist, almost as though alive.

"I shall have to assemble a court to determine what your use should be, sound good to you hollow head?"

"Yes."

"Good, sit beside me, here."

She tapped a spot just below the fungal 'cushion' of her throne, really the whole thing was mushrooms radiating a deep red color, one that tinged the air. It was where her legs would rest, just slightly to the left. I took the seat and waited. She rest a hand on my head, rubbing gently. I looked back at her and smiled.

"Aw, I think you'd enjoy this even without an empty head."

"Yes."

"Were I a crueler lady I might keep you like this all the time."

The court assembled quickly. Some vestigial part of my brain chilled, but for the most part I was happy, smiling at them. They were just like in the drawings: some with long hair and thin, glassy wings. There were no flaws in their skin, even the smallest mark was intentional. There were smiles abound, but in retrospect there didn't seem to be any warmth to them. One of the fey, a tall, thin boned creature with blackened, sharp looking leaves for dress stepped forward. He was utterly serious, motions precise and quite scripted. His voice rang like a low tuned violin.

"The Lady calls an assembled court of the fey of Sunshire?"

"The Lady does."

"To what end is this court?"

"The use of this human who has come amongst us."

"So it is, your heirarch shall make it known."

The heirarch made the announcement, the entire hall lit up in giggles and laughter until he called for silence.

"Where does the lady begin the court?"

"The Lady says 'the human must have a purpose of elegance, as has been those in his past, those under the now lost human King George The Third. That in mind, what say you court of Sunshire?'"

"Make him beautiful!"

"Give him a faun's ears!"

The court rang out with suggestions. I laughed a little at them, Arethusa gave me a pat on the head. The heirarch made a motion and the room went silent. One of the fey stood.

"Speak!"

"I Cinnia of Sunshire speak. The human has a strange coat, assembled of scales and fur as the beast. We have always worn coats of leaves and stems. I suggest the human's use to be to teach us the ways of these coats, coats of elegance worthy of fey but made in the way of humans."

The fey court first gasped and screeched. It was a tornado of emotions, so strong, I flattened in their wake. But then another stood.

"Speak!"

"I Mabina of Sunshire speak in agreement with Cinnia of Sunshire. It is not in violation of the laws of the fey if such coats were freely given and no blood was shed. So long as the coats were given of will or deed as all things are given of the fey and the bird and beast. The fey of Sunshire would have a thing no other fey court has, truly a great use."

The tone of the room shifted. Mocking and horror gave way to acceptance, mild approval. I stared at it dumbly, vacantly, smiling a little.

"How would you do this, human?"

"Sewing."

"How does one do this?"

"Cotton, fabric, thread."

"So you could?"

"Yes."

"How would you get these things?"

"Textiles, wool, practice."

"Do you know these things?"

"I don't know how to make them."

The lady fey shook her head. "Do you know them?"

"Yes."

She smiled, that same smile from the book, my mouth hung open.

"Does the fey court speak approval?"

The response was affirmative, many calls and nods. The heirarch held up his hands.

"They fey court speaks approval."

"So it shall be, call forth the greatest transmografists in Sunshire and make the court's decision manifest. The Sunshire court is dismissed."

They fey court cheered and flitted away. There were four of them, wearing rainbow leaves. Each was different, one with a long, branching nose, another with large, fanning ears, a third with a wiry, catlike tail and a fourth with large, compound eyes. Their wings were all different, each catching the light like rare stones or metals. They danced around us. The one with segmented eyes spoke first, her voice was like slow dripping honey.

"The court has called for us, Lady?"

"This one must have a use, and that use is creating coats similar to the one he wears."

"I see, and he knows of these things?"

"Yes."

"Good, we shall create of him and make what must be made."

"Within the laws."

"Of course, Lady, of course."

They danced around me, the Lady taking a step back. I was still dim, still vacant, but somewhere under the fog I felt realization, a strange warm tingle that twitched into my spine. Their hands were long and barely touched, fingertips dancing. My hands stretched away, skin twitched and tingled. Curves and crevices formed around the conjoined heart of my torso. My body hair curled and obeyed their hand, feeling warmer but lighter. My feet felt strange, my toes stuck into two hard points while the rest adjusted, my balance a little off at first, but then my hips stretched and groaned outwards to grant stability. My ears felt strange, muffed for a moment, then sharpened. They wouldn't let me move, just touching, running their hands over me, emitting small noises, accessing the muse that lie in their own madness. They spoke to me through those touches. One closed my eyes with a palm, the other felt my face and drew it forward, out, out, out, my sense of smell exaggerating, my teeth sliding a bit aimlessly in my jaw until shepherded into place. Something twitched out of my spine of its own accord, perhaps compensating for a loss of something ventral, between my thicker thighs. My chest felt loose, like my heart had come unmoored and was deciding where it would stay from now on.

They stopped briefly, then I felt them pushing on all sides. My flesh ran like clay, hundreds of hands cementing me into this body. There were palms in my eyelashes, fingers in my mouth, wrists against my cheeks. I felt a little warmer, almost sick, briefly, but then I felt the fingers move, all of them at once, all of the thick hair on my body practically standing on end. It was more intimacy than I'd ever felt, being consumed in skin. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't need to. I sat for hours, the heat unchanging, maybe cooking me. Their hands came away and I stretched for the first time as my new self.

I had two sets of arms, one set fairly similar to a pair of cloven hooves, the other spread with five normal, human fingers. I was coated in iridescent fur... Wool. It curled and flowed over my body. I felt like I was swollen, but it was just my wool, my skin underneath concealed a form that was quite thin. I saw a gently sloping black thing between my eyes, focusing on it revealed a set of cute little nostrils that would flare if I flexed the right way. I saw my eyes reflected in the massive orbs of the insect transmografist: a long, horizontal slit on each eye, a dainty black muzzle, tufts of wool buffeted around my forehead and ears to make it seem like hair. I made a little pose, my hoof-arms arranged over my bust and my opposables-arms held gently aloft. My fingers and hooves were capped in gold, gently shining metal. My legs arranged into a little splayed stance, exposing the flat wool covering my abdomen.

"So, she is complete?"

"Yes, Lady."

"Well then, what training does she need?"

"None, Lady, it is part of her being."

"Good, then let us see it. Weave for me a coat of your fur."

I smiled at her and nodded vacantly. My hooved hands danced across my form and pinched along my curves, drawing up wool in long strips, leaving bare, dark under fur flush to my skin. My arms seemed to have an infinite range of motion, spidering along without so much as a thought from myself. I held my hooved hands before me and spun my wool through a small notch upon them with my finger. The resulting thread faded from iridescent to a fiery red, the same tone as Arethusa's leaves. My hands worked quickly, naturally, soon fibers became fabric, hairs became threads. My hooved hands had a set of needles just behind the cloven hooves, each with small hoops to thread with. They zigzagged along the fabric before I could even question how. In under a minute I had a large, warm cloak assembled. For buttons I threaded the caps of my hooves in little slits and popped them off painlessly. They drifted out of sight as I held up the coat with my hooved hands, spread out slightly, flush to Arethusa's frame. My hands came back, little golden caps having returned already, and draped the coat over the Lady of the fey. She gave a positively girlish squeal of delight.

"Perfection! It is certain that I owe our transmogrifists a debt of gratitude."

"Your transmogrifists are paid in joy of their work, Lady."

"Of course, of course, you have done exceptionally well, do continue to please me so."

They bowed and took flight. The Lady, however, draped her arms around me and hugged me close.

"Isn't this wonderful? Your purpose has been found and civilization will be taught. While you are not quite fey, you are forever one with the Sunshire community. How does this make you feel lovely lamb?"

I didn't need an empty head, the truth rang to my lips before there was a thought: "Beautiful."

The Lady giggled like a high school girl, the simple pleasure infectious, tangible. I gave a little 'baa.'

The following months were full of excitement, not just for me but for my new community. My memory returned shortly afterwords, I was no longer totally dominated by The Lady, but this didn't change anything. I enjoyed weaving and threading more than I ever enjoyed clicking and typing. I was subject to another fey court for a naming ceremony. It was decided I should be known forever more as Evelina, far better than my old name. In the same call of the court, it was decided that my visit was a clear sign of humanity's desperation, that they were missing what I had been missing. As I was now a citizen of Sunshire (and some surprisingly kind assistance from the heirarch in learning court etiquette) _and_a former human, my opinion on what the fey should do with my kind weighed heavily into the discussion. Many looked at my integration into the community as a great success, and I felt very similarly. Ever since I've joined, I've never wanted for company or assistance, never felt the need to worry or feel down. None have been discouraging here, not in my work or thoughts, not in my learning of the fey ways. I can honestly say I've never felt better in my entire life. My life as a human, perfectly memorable in my mind, was always fraught with frustrations and social handicaps, unwritten rules and anxiety, loneliness. Friendship, trust, is such an easy thing here, in spite of the strangeness and mischievousness of many fey.

And with that in mind, the fey court made an unsurprising proposal; uplift the humans. Show them civilization where clearly there is no such thing, the fey courts made the dominant power by their own virtue and grace. The restoration of nobility would certainly allow humanity to find their purpose.

How could I, Evelina of Sunshire, say no?