FSE

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formerly SoFurry search engine

It's hard to beat a Friday night party in the summer. The feeling of freedom and pure joy of the work week ending. You could feel the electricity in the air. Almost every rooftop had a party on it. The weather was gorgeous. Hot, but not humid, with a breeze. It was also supposed to be a full moon that night. It was the perfect night for a date, and I was intent on taking full advantage of it.

Her name was Cassandra. She was a beautiful Belgian Tigress, though you wouldn't recognize her as such. She had died her fur. Her body fur was now a dark grey - almost black, with thin white stripes. Her previously lush, long brown mane had been chopped short and died white. She also wore contacts to change her eye colour from brown to grey. We met at a classic car meet four years ago, and we've been "officially" dating for three months.

"You ready yet?" I asked loudly from the kitchen. I glanced at the clock. We were already late.

"Not yet!" Thankfully she had a loud voice that boomed over the hair drier. I shook my head. How the hell does a small hairdo like that take ten minutes to dry out? I walked to the fridge and grabbed the milk pitcher. I may be a German Shepard, but that doesn't stop me from drinking several litres of milk a week. I love the stuff. As I grabbed a glass from the cupboard I heard the hair drier stop blowing.

"You done now?" There was no response.

"Yes." The voice came from right behind me. I jumped. I dropped the milk. It hit the edge of the counter and splashed all over the bottom of my shirt and dark grey pants. I turned around to face Cassandra. She sure did like love scaring me. The grin on her face disappeared quickly at the sight of the mess. "Oh..."

"...I guess you are." I cocked my head as she giggled. "What?"

"It looks like you pissed yourself." She said, raising an eyebrow and looking down. I looked down. Sure enough, that is exactly what it looked like.

"Oh come on... I've got to get changed now."

"Mind if I watch?" Cassandra giggled again. My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't quite ready for that yet.

"Erm... no." I said sheepishly, sulking away towards my bedroom. Cassandra shrugged.

"Suit yourself. But you can't hide it forever!" I closed the door behind me, leaning up against it and sighing.

You can't hide it forever!

"Fuck..." I whispered to myself. I knew it was true; I couldn't hide it forever. For the record, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I wasn't stupid. But she had no idea what it actually meant to me. I unbuttoned the two top buttons of my shirt and peeled it off over my head. I twisted to look at the mirrored doors of my closet.

It was impossible to miss it. A massive, gnarled scar on my back. It began on my left shoulder blade, and slashing its way down to the bottom of my back. You can't hide it forever! No, I had not told her about it. And yes, I knew that I could not hide it forever. But if she saw it, she would ask questions. Where did it come from? How long have you had it? Why didn't you tell me about it?

You can't hide it forever!

"I fucking know!" I rasped to myself angrily as I turned my attention to my sleeves. My hands were stuck in it. There was a knock on my door.

"David? Are you alright?"

"Fuck - yes! I'm fine!" I didn't undo the buttons on my sleeves.

"You don't sound 'just fine.' Something's wrong."

"NO!" I yelled. There was a lengthy pause. "No... I'm fine." I struggled with my sleeves again. Oh come the fuck on...

"David, I've known you for years." My struggle against my own shirt was becoming violent. I just knew she could hear it. "I know when something is not alright." Oh god just shut up! Usually talks like this helps, but this time around... "I don't like it when you hide things from me."

You can't hide it forever!

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I yelled, grabbing my head with my cotton-ensnared hands. Trapped. I felt so trapped. Hands bound together, that fucking line inside my head... Oh god, this isn't happening right now! I was not about to let this happen on a date. No way. I raised my head.

The room had changed. No longer was it the apartment bedroom painted in a tan colour. Now, it was a much smaller room. Wallpaper. White with seemingly ancient floral patterns. The bed was a tiny twin bed. I recognized it immediately. I heard a noise from the corner of my room, from the other side of my bed. I crept over and looked to the source. A small pup. A German Shepard, not older than seven. His hair was long and messy. He was sobbing, holding his knees to his chest. I stared at the young pup. He noticed my presence, and looked up to me, terrified. His big, expressive green eyes swollen by his tears. I recognized him immediately.

He was me.

Oh no... I staggered backwards. Oh god no... not now! I heard pounding on my door, which had a chair propped up against it, preventing whatever was on the other side from getting in.

"You can't hide in there forever!" It was a deep, male, voice. A scary voice. I helplessly watched as my little body flinched with fear. The anger rushed over me. I couldn't control myself.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I screamed at the man behind the door. I felt so helpless, so trapped. I couldn't do anything. My hands were tied. Literally.

"DAVID!" This time, it was a booming female voice. Cassandra's. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE!?" I froze, then looked back to the corner with the sobbing cub. He wasn't there. The room was normal again. Those ugly tan walls never looked so inviting. I let my arms fall. I looked up to the ceiling, trying to keep myself together.

It had been years since I have had an episode like this. The place and moment I flash to changes, but it's always the same series of events. Something stresses me out. Somehow it reminds me of something else. I have a flashback. I break down into a soggy blob of overactive emotions afterwards. This time, I hadn't collapsed into one. Not yet. I had never had one this short before either. Thank god she was there to stop me. But... she was there. She heard it all. What was I going to tell her?

"David?" I heard the door creak open. I froze. "David are you alright?" In the mirror, I could see Cassandra peeking her head inside through the door. Her eyes immediately gravitated to my back. Undoubtedly my scar. I saw her jaw drop. My shoulders drooped and I bowed my head in defeat.

You can't hide it forever.

Now came the flood of emotions. I tried my best to contain them. I feebly fumbled with my sleeves again as Cassandra slowly walked into the room. With every soft footstep a new emotion surfaced. Anger, fear, hatred, embarrassment, sadness. Until finally, she stopped just behind me.

"...David?" She spoke softly. I was taking short, shallow breaths trying to supress the sobbing that was throbbing in my chest. I clenched my eyes shut and balled up my hands into fists. No, I couldn't let this happen now, I wasn't going to fall apart on her. It'll just ruin the night. As if it wasn't ruined already.

I felt her hand touch my bare shoulder. So soft, so warm. As cliché as it sounds, I could honestly feel the love and concern radiating from it. My entire body became warm. She gently squeezed my shoulder. "David are you alright?" I had to say something. Anything. Whelp, it was out now, so there was no point in lying anymore.

"I... I don't know..." I said weakly. I felt the tears burning in my eyes. My bottom lip was quivering. My chest was convulsing with every attempted sob. She undoubtedly felt it through my shoulder. Now I definitely knew the answer. I could barely squeak it out. "...no."

I broke down. I made no attempt to suppress it anymore. Bottling it up was simply impossible now. Cassandra put her arm around me, gently guided me to the foot of my bed and down on the edge of it. As I continued to sob uncontrollably, she took my hands and finally freed them from the silk prison that helped start this whole mess. I clasped my hands together and put them between my legs. My sobbing had stopped for the most part, and now I was just breathing as deeply and slowly as I could. I could feel my breaths quivering as I did so. We must have sat like this - side by side, barely touching - for a couple of minutes. Throughout this time, I was having another problem. Questions racing through my mind. What is she thinking? What is she going to do? What if this is the end of it? What if she breaks up with me over this?

But to my surprise, she scooted over so that she was touching me, wrapped her arm around my back and gently pulled me closer. The warmness overcame by body again. I moved right up closer to her, resting my head on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck. We must not have said a word for ten minutes. I finally broke the silence.

"I... I guess you want to know what all that was about?" She shifted uncomfortably.

"Well... I do. But I don't." She sighed. "I guess... well you always want to know as much as possible about your partner, right? But... but I'm afraid of what I'll find." I felt her hand caress its way across my back and touch the bare pink skin that marked my scar. It sent a shiver up my spine, and not the good kind. She felt my reaction and stopped immediately. "But I do want to know..." My heart sank. She was going to ask. "...where did you get that scar?"

Fuck. This was my second greatest fear in my life. Somebody seeing my scar, then asking about it. I took a deep breath and paused before answering.

"It's a long story." Very original response, I know.

"Don't worry about it. I've got the time." She was right. We certainly weren't going to the party now. I shifted my position.

"Look, this scar, it's... it's... it's a bad story. A _really_bad story."

"I've read Twilight." Usually her humour would have helped, but not this time.

"No, not like that." I pulled away from her so I could look her in the eye. "It's a bad story. It's cruel. It's mean. It's scary. You'll regret hearing it. You really will."

"Hearing you yelling at... whatever has been scary enough, David." She put her hand on top of mine. "I know it won't be pretty. But I'm ready. Tell me." I closed my eyes and sighed.

Here goes nothing...