The chill
This is just something short that I want to do because I'm in that sort of mood. I don't usually write about things like rape, because it isn't my thing and is a fear of mine, or death. This one is death, and I'm not big on it. It's final, absolute, there is nothing happy or comforting about it. It's just that, the end, game over. But I have felt a betrayal recently, very recently. This is my way of putting that ordeal into a context that people can see and understand. It hurt me and brought back a lot of baggage that I had long since left in my high school years. Anyway, here it is.
I walked alone, down the dark and empty street. There was a slight breeze, the autumn air cut through my windbreaker and into the soft flesh under my white fur. Being alone was nothing new. Just another day, another day of me struggling to get through life. I snorted to myself. It was all so stupid, so pointless. No one cared, no one would care. If I just vanished without a trace. Or if I jumped from the bridge just a few short blocks away.
I felt the tears well up in the corners of my pale blue eyes. The cycle always went like this. I would think about things, get angry and then the depression would hit. I thought back, being in school. There I was, quiet, friendless. It wasn't fair, why did it have to be like this? Because I was gay? Is that really the reason why?
I balled my right hand into a fist and growled loudly. It was so stupid, I didn't choose this. I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself, "Hey, let's be gay today." Like anyone would choose this. Choose to be hated, to be something others viewed as sick or mentally ill. I wasn't sick, and my mental health was just fine. Why couldn't they just see it though? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to be the one who was different and not someone else?
With a sigh I pressed on, carrying myself further down the street. Trying to keep myself calm by focusing on my breathing. The walls were crumbling though. I shook and the tears I fought to hold back rolled freely down my furry cheeks. Fuck, I was going to break down, right here and now. I turned to my right, looking in the direction of his house. The dragon, he was the target of my love. If only he were here to hold me. To tell me it would all be okay.
But he was dating Hailey, the town bicycle more or less. She cheated on him, time and time again. But he always took her back because he loved her. Why couldn't he love me instead? I wouldn't cheat, or lie. I would be there for him, and him alone. I choked on my tears, crying so hard I couldn't see anything. If I was straight it wouldn't be this hard, this lonely. My life would be simple and nowhere near as fucked up.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of the street. Curling up into a tight ball. He'd never know how much he meant to me. He'd never return my affection even if he did. He would just push me away, say he wasn't like me. That rejection would hurt me more than the pain I already felt. It just wasn't fair. I was shaking with every breath I took. Fighting to regain some measure of composure or control.
A horn blared loudly, I barely had time to look up. The car hit me hard and I was thrown back. Everything went black, then bright, before going black again. I groaned, my eyes refused to focus. Trying to make sense of what happened. I was in the middle of the street curled up. No, I was standing up again. Headlights? Yes, I saw headlights out of the corner of my eye.
"Holy shit, are you alright?" A male voice asked somewhere above me. He sounded panicked, but I couldn't see him. "You're bleeding, what were you doing in the road like that!" He shouted.
"Yeah, there's been an accident. Please hurry, I'm near the intersection of Kingston and Chestnut. He was in the road, I didn't see him. Bleeding bad, oh god please hurry." He begged, someone who I could only assume was on the other end of a cell phone conversation. It was getting cold, and breathing was becoming a challenge.
"I'm dieing," I half said, half coughed.
"No! You're...Just hold in there little guy, Please, fight for me."
I shook my head best I could manage, "I taste blood. Minutes, if I'm lucky. It hurts, please...."
"NO!" He shouted loudly, but that was it. I couldn't respond no matter how hard I tried. It was just too hard, slipping away was too easy. I'm sorry, but I cant fight this. I wanted to tell him. But I just couldn't manage it.
There it is, yeah it sucked, but it is what it is. Maybe I will bring this character back, or do something else with it. But right now, I just needed to work through something. I know I haven't done any writing in a while, the collab should be further along, Our Pack needs finishing and all the other stuff. Need to go through and clean up all my posted work as well.