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We couldn't believe what we were hearing and simply couldn't comprehend what could possibly drive her to even consider about ending her life... Something pushed Nikki over the edge and the three of us had a hunch of what that might be... Despite everything said and done, we all still cared for her... We all tried to help her in our own way in the past... But it really moved me when Meagan told me that she became very depressed after the four of us went our separate way... Terry found a new girl and wanted to forget that we ever existed... Meagan had her own life to live and had enough of her own problems to deal with... Me, trying to get my life back on track... And Nikki, isolating herself after everything that happened... And I suppose somewhere along the line, we all forgot about each other... Some wanted to forget... Others couldn't forget...

Meagan and I went to see Terry that very same evening to bring the news to him... And even though it wasn't easy for me to see him, Meagan and I both knew we needed him in all this... Terry was very shocked and was really upset after we told him... Even more so than we were... Nikki told Terry once that she wanted an end to everything... He talked to her, reassured her that everything would be alright but when he realized that she was actually planning to go through with it, Terry broke down in tears... I think Terry felt guilty for not doing enough, abandoning her when she needed him the most, especially after the stunt he pulled off on her... Perhaps Nikki needed him as a friend or maybe more than that... I always thought that he took advantage of her and I held a grudge against him for doing so... But Meagan was right... If it really happened between Nikki and Terry, it was consensual... Whatever drove her to do it, she did that for a reason... But nevertheless, Terry felt guilty, thinking that he took advantage of her... It shed a whole new light on things once they were put in perspective... It was something that Nikki and Terry had to work out together... Meagan and I couldn't help them with that... And maybe that's why I felt so powerless...

I got snapped out of it the moment I heard the car door slammed shut and Meagan sat down at the wheel. She turned her head to face me, seeing as I was sitting in the backseat and handed me my pack of cigarettes and the change...

'Here you go.'

'Thanks... What time is it...?'

'Half past ten...'

We stopped at a gas-station earlier on to refuel... I only had my eyes closed for a few minutes but it felt like I've slept for hours... The bright lights on the ceiling were shining in my face and I squinted my eyes as they adjusted to the light... Once Meagan started her car, the three of us were on our way again... We made our way out of the gas-station and the car accelerated to a hundred kilometers an hour... The ticking sound of the occasional turning indicator, the quiet humming of the engine and the radio quietly playing in the background while feeling the bumps of the road almost made me doze off again... Even though it was only a ride that took about half an hour, it felt like an entire road trip to me... I felt myself dozing off after it stayed quiet for a while but I got snapped out of it again the moment Meagan started to talk to me...

'Want me to drop you off at your place first, Ceylan?'

'Yeah, I need to pick up my car and then I'll head to Nikki...'

'Okay...'

'Meagan...?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you really think it's wise to show up with the three of us...?'

'I just don't see any other way how we can do this...'

'Me neither but...'

'I suppose we'll just have to see...'

'I don't know how she would react... Especially if we confront her with this...'

'What else can we do...?'

'Heh...'

Terry stayed unusually quiet along the way... He always had something to talk about but that evening, he kept quiet ever since he got in the car... Perhaps it was because I was sitting in the backseat... Maybe he wanted to ignore me as much as possible... I can't blame him with the way I acted... And even though he agreed on coming with us, he didn't really seem comfortable... I heard him sigh every once in a while and I saw in the reflection of the window he had his eyes closed for short periods of time... When I asked Terry if he was okay, he didn't react... But when I placed a hand on his shoulder a moment later and gently squeezed it, he placed his hand on my mine... Even if it was briefly... To me, it felt reassuring to know that he put our differences aside for now... Terry and I both had to if we were gonna see Nikki together... But looking at Terry made me realize that Nikki wasn't the only one who had to work things out with him...

'Quickest way to your house is by taking the A67, right?'

'Hm? Oh, yeah but that goes through downtown Ravello... It's always busy on Saturday nights... You'd better follow Stanford on the A23 and then take the N412 to Ravello...'

'Stanford...?'

'Hmmm... You know the gas-stations there that has a Burger King and several other restaurants?'

'At the truck-stop?'

'Yeah, that's where we need to go off and take the N412...'

'Alright... I'd never get lost with you, you're like a walking navigation system.'

'I only remember the places with the good food...'

'Hehehe...'

'So uhm... What's the plan...? Should I call and tell her that we're on our way or...?'

'Pfffff... I have no idea, Ceylan...'

'Right... What if talking to her has the opposite effect...?'

'I think that's why we need to talk openly about it...'

'Heh...'

'She has absolutely no one, Ceylan... No friends, no family... But she needs to know that we're there for her... And I'm not sure how things will turn out... All I know is that we have to try...'

'Things will never be the same again after this...'

'True... But that doesn't necessarily mean it will get worse...'

'Yeah...'

'After all, how much worse can this possibly get...?'

'If she actually decides to go through with this...'

'And that's why we need to make sure she doesn't go through with it... How we're gonna do that is a whole different story... I think it's best to just see her and bring up the subject and not get ahead of ourselves...'

'Hm...'

'The only thing we can do for now is to see her and talk to her about it openly... That's all we can do...'

'I know...'

Oh man, the suspense was killing me... The longer I sat there in the car, the more nervous I started to get... It was really getting to my head and I was driving myself crazy by asking questions I didn't had an answer to... Imagine my relief once we finally reached my house and Terry got out of the car in order for me to get out... Meagan saw I was getting nervous and I had no idea at first what caused it... Craving for a smoke, I reached out in my pocket for my pack of smokes and unwrapped it from its plastic...

'You alright, Ceylan...?'

'Fuck man, I'm still shaking... Jesus Christ...'

'Just calm down, relax... You can't drive like this...'

'Pffff...'

It's funny she said that... I told her the same earlier that day when she was so stressed out... And now she was calm and I was a nervous wreck... Meagan offered me a light and I quietly nodded to thank her... Figured we could all use a cigarette to relief some stress so I offered Meagan and Terry a cigarette as well... I forgot Terry quit smoking but to my surprise, he actually picked one... So there we were, in front of my house, smoking a cigarette when I saw that Terry was still feeling uncomfortable... I suppose we all were but he felt like that for obvious reasons...

'Thanks...'

'Meg...?'

'Yeah...?'

'Do you think we should've saw it coming...? I mean...'

'Nikki's been like that for a long time now, Terry... We just never realized how bad it actually is until now...'

'Yeah but when she told me... Do you think I could've done something or...?'

'Apart from the things we already did...? No, I don't think so...'

'Heh...'

'Listen, Terry... Don't feel guilty for what happened... I'm sure Nikki has her reasons why she went along with it... And even though not everything will be answered tonight, time will tell, eventually...'

I looked at Terry and but the moment he made eye contact, he quickly averted his eyes from me... Like he wanted to pretend as if I wasn't there... Maybe he was ashamed or angry at me... But that was something that despite everything, still hurt even though I can't blame him for feeling that way... Nevertheless, he had to know... So I told him what I wanted him to know...

'I know you and I are having difficulty seeing each other again, Terry... And I'm not asking you to be friends with me all of a sudden now that this is happening... But I want you to know that it means a lot to Meagan and me that you came along... After all, we're doing this for her...'

'Heh...'

'Yeah, it really does means a lot... It shows the two of you care enough about her to set your differences aside in order to help her... And I think that would also mean a lot to her if she sees the two of you together...'

'Hm... I'm not so sure of that, Meg...'

'It doesn't matter what happened anymore, Terry... What matters the most is that we need to let her know that the three of us support her... Visit her, talk to her, take her out somewhere to set her mind on something else...'

'And we can either do so as a group of friends or individually...'

Meagan and Terry looked at me and while Meagan smiled weakly at me, Terry just looked at me if he thought that was stupidest thing he'd ever heard... But he didn't say it... All he did was nodding quietly as he averted his eyes from me again... It stayed quiet for a while again but once Meagan finished her cigarette, she dropped it on the ground and stepped on it to make sure it was out... She then looked at us and scraped her throat...

'So, uhm... You guys ready...?'

'Yeah...'

'Let's go...'

'... I'll go with Meagan.'

'Okay... Sure... See you there...'

Meagan looked at me and had a weak smile on her face while Terry wasn't even looking at me anymore... He got in her car and buckled up while Meagan got behind the wheel... I got my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door of my car... Once I sat in the drivers seat, I buckled up and put the key in the ignition, thinking that this was really happening now... I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed quietly... But that anxious feeling only got worse the moment we drove off...

I wanted a plan of action... I wanted to know what we could do that would guarantee that everything would be alright... Truth was, there wasn't anything that could guarantee that... And I wanted answers, you know...? I wanted to know how things ever got so far... But as always, the more I was looking for answers, the more questions were raised... And this is exactly what Meagan meant when she told us not to get ahead of ourselves... We shouldn't let it drive ourselves crazy... She was the only one that evening who could think rationally... And I'm really glad that she did...

After fifteen minutes or so, I reached the parking lot in front of the apartment complex... Terry and Meagan were just getting out of the car the moment I arrived... So I parked my car next to them and got out... I really had no idea how Nikki would react if she saw the three of us... I anxiously bit my lip and looked at Meagan once more... We crossed the street to get to the building complex... Once Meagan opened the door to gain access to the main hallway, the three of us made our way up to the third floor... Walking down the corridor in search of apartment one four six... Once we got there, Meagan opened the door with her key and so, we got inside...

It was exactly how I remembered when I got back in her apartment again after a year... Nikki was always a neat freak... Keeping things nice and tidy... The three of us made our way to the living room but Nikki was nowhere to be seen... Terry and I were looking at a picture of the three of us taken way back, before any of this happened... After everything that happened, she still had pictures of us... I heard a door opening up and when I turned my head, I saw her... Nikki stood in the doorway of her bedroom, wearing her nightie, looking absolutely shattered... As if she hadn't slept well in ages... She looked like a mess to say the least... But when she saw Terry and me, she looked at us with big eyes and was really surprised to see us... Terry and I were staring right back at her...

'Hi, Nic...'

'Hey, luv...'

I had no idea how she would react when she saw us but I didn't expect this... Nikki kept looking at us and quickly made her way towards Terry and me... And she just flew in our arms... Clenching her arms around the both of us, holding us close and spontaneously started to cry her eyes out... Terry and I looked at each other and well... I couldn't keep it dry myself... It was just so overwhelming... The tears were rolling down my face as Terry caressed her hair... I was too choked up to say anything...

'I'm so sorry...'

'It's okay, Nic... We're here now...'

"Oh man..." I knew it was gonna be tough but I never imagined it would be this difficult to see her again, especially when she looked up and faced me... I guess it was just as overwhelming for her as it was for us... Nikki had no idea why we were there that evening... But she didn't seem to care... All that mattered to her was that we were there... And I guess that was enough for her... It was moving to see, it really was... But I still couldn't shake off that nervous feeling I felt in my stomach...

Once we all managed to catch our breaths again and all the emotions started to settle down, we sat on the couch... I scraped my throat and wiped my eyes when all of a sudden, a glass of water appeared in front of me... When I looked up, I noticed Meagan holding it while having a weak smile on her face... I quietly nodded to thank her and after she passed drinks around she sat down on the couch next to Nikki while Terry and I were sitting across... Nikki was still wiping her eyes when she faced us... I kept looking at Nikki when she made eye-contact...

'It's been so long since I've seen the two of you... And I-I often thought that, uhm...'

'Sometimes you're too caught up with your own problems that you forget the people around you... I know I did... And I can't blame you for doing the same...'

'Heh...'

'I suppose we all had to set things straight for ourselves...'

I saw from the corners of eyes that Terry nervously started to twiddle his fingers while looking down... She had to know that we were there that evening for a reason, not simply to catch up on old times... I looked at Meagan while she stared right back at us and the tension between Nikki and Terry was unbearable when Nikki kept averting her eyes from Terry but he hasn't looked at her ever since we sat down... Nevertheless, Terry still spoke up his mind...

'I just wanted to get away from everything... I thought I could move on but I never could... Not when there are so many things that haven't been worked out...'

'Heh...'

'When Ceylan and I broke up, you and Blain chose for Ceylan and I lost three of my best friends... And I always thought I would get over it eventually but truth is, I miss you guys... I miss how things used to be between us, more then you'll ever know...'

'Me too...'

Terry sighed quietly and took a sip from his drink... I looked at Meagan as that anxious feeling in my stomach grew worse... I took a sip from my glass of water as well and tried not to show that I was shitting bricks when I saw that Nikki averted her eyes from me every once in a while... But after it stayed quiet for a moment, Nikki scraped her throat and kept looking at me...

'I feel the same way about it, Nic... I managed to sort my life out but I still feel that things haven't been worked out... I miss you and Terry and uhm... I always hoped that we could sit around the table and openly talk about what happened... Except we never did... And perhaps that's the reason why none of us managed to move on...'

'I see... Is that why the two of you are here...? To talk things out...?'

'Yes... But it's not the only reason...'

'What do you mean...?'

Terry and I got kinda startled after that... The two of us both looked at Meagan and she scraped her throat... After it stayed silent for a moment, Meagan started to talk... I have no idea how she did but... Her voice sounded very calm and soothing...

'The reason why Terry and Ceylan are here is because, uhm... I invited them... And I feel there's something we need to discuss and we'd like to talk to you about it in all honesty...'

'Y-You do...?'

'Yes... You see, uhm... Several days ago, I did some online banking on your laptop... And while I was browsing on the internet, I came across your internet history... I saw something that really had me worried...'

'What did you see...?'

'I saw your search terms and the websites you visited about a painless suicide... And that's when I really started to worry... So I had a peek at your contacts list of your phone and I called Ceylan... Ceylan and I both went to see Terry and uhm, heh... Here we are...'

'I see...'

Nikki nodded quietly and looked down... She wasn't expecting any of this... When Terry finally had the courage to face her, he scraped his throat and quietly asked her...

'Do you really have suicidal thoughts...?'

Nikki's lips were trembling as her eyes started to get red... It really moved me... Nikki looked so lost after Terry asked her that... Feeling so ashamed and so embarrassed... She closed her eyes for a moment as the tears were rolling down her face... And when Meagan saw that, she held Nikki's hand and caressed it with her thumb on the back of Nikki's hand... Meagan, Terry and I were looking at each other as Nikki wasn't facing us, preparing ourselves for the answer she was going to give... But whatever it was, it was important to be non-judgmental, no matter how inconsiderate the reason of her suicidal thoughts may be... Luckily, we all had the common sense not to judge her for her answer... Nikki sighed quietly once more with trembling lips and wiped the tears from her eyes when she quietly started to talk...

'I-I've thought about it...'

'But what makes you feel that way...?'

'A lot of things... T-Things that happened in my youth and uhm... Heh...'

It stayed quiet for a long time the moment she clammed up on us... She scraped her throat and averted her eyes to the ceiling when she sighed quietly with trembling lips again... Nikki had a really hard time for speaking up her mind... It only made me question more on what actually happened in her youth... Nevertheless, we stayed quiet and listened to her...

'You know... When you hear that you're a piece of shit everyday for fifteen years in a row, you start to believe that you are... And, uhm... I thought it was normal that they blamed everything on me... That I was the cause of their marital and financial problems... And once I finally had the chance to get away, I settled here, in Ravello, wanting to start my life all over again but I never managed to... I thought I left it all behind when I moved out b-but I-I never could... And then you guys came along... Made me realize my life wasn't just one magnificent shit-hole... Being with you made me feel part of something and I felt that I actually mattered... It felt like I finally had a purpose in life, somewhere I could belong to... You're the closest thing I-I ever got to a family to call my own... A-And then something happened t-that, uhm... T-That caused us not to see each other anymore... I-I thought that, uhm... That it was me, you know...? T-That I said or did something that hurt your feelings... I-I don't know what I did wrong that caused us to act the way we did against each other b-but I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I truly am...'

"_Oh man..."_That was heavy... None of kept their eyes dry after hearing that... I looked to my left and Terry was biting his lip while he kept looking at Nikki... Meagan was looking at me and wiped the tears from her eyes... All Nikki did was staring at the floor, clenching her hair and just let it all go... It was so sad to see... Meagan puts an arm around her and gave her a big firm cuddle and a kiss on her forehead... Seeing this reminded me of something I tried to forget for years... I was there once... Looking at Nikki felt like I was looking at a mirror... It's confronting, it really is... And that's when I quietly started to talk...

'Nikki... The thing is... Taking your own life is a permanent solution to a problem that's only temporary... But I understand... You just want the pain to stop... I know how that feels because I was there too...'

'Heh...'

'After the war was over and I migrated to Renaria, I thought I had left everything behind.. And yet it felt like I had nothing to live for... I've seen more things in my youth than most people will ever see in their entire lifetime... I've had nightmares about everything that happened there and I too wanted the pain to end... Ending your own life seems the only option when see you no other way... I was sixteen years old when I felt that way... And I thought it would be liberating...'

'Really...?'

'Yes... You may think that there's not much to live for... But when I stood there, in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I could see my mother in my own reflection... Taking my own life meant that she would die again... And I couldn't handle that... But despite that, the pain didn't go away...'

'I see...'

'For years I tried looking for answers... To find peace... Trying to find my way... But I had people around me who helped me through... People like you who made me realize that the world doesn't have to be a bad place to live in... It made me realize I was neglecting a second chance that was given me by dwelling in the past... And even though time cannot heal my wounds, I managed to live with it, simply because it's the way things are... And none of us can change that...'

'It's just so difficult...'

'I know it is... But even though you may feel you don't have a purpose in life, you should always remember that you're the one who can give meaning to your existence... It might be difficult to remember the things you've been through and what inspired you to make a change for yourself... But I feel that it's the only way to keep going forward and to push through, no matter the odds... Never forget that you too gave yourself a second chance when you moved out and left it all behind... Don't let it get to you because you already set the first step... The road might be long and bumpy but you don't have to walk alone... And that's why we're here... To let you know you're not alone...'

Nikki looked down again, quietly nodding while she had her eyes closed... The poor thing looked so lost that night... As if she had no idea what to do... And once that started to sink in, Nikki just collapsed... She was sobbing quietly on the couch as Meagan held her tight... And that's when we all couldn't hold ourselves anymore... I stood up and walked towards her, looking down on her... I took her hands as I kneeled before her and when she faced me, Nikki kept looking at me as the tears were rolling down her cheeks...

'I'm so sorry...'

'Ssssh, it's okay... C'mere... It's alright...'

Nikki placed her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder as she held me tight, crying her eyes out... And even though I tried to stay strong, it was very difficult... I didn't even know why I tried so hard not to show it... Because no one expected me to be... I caressed her hair and whispered in her ear that everything would be alright... And that we're gonna be there for her like she was always there for us when we needed her...

That day was the turning point in our lives... The four of us had problems of our own to deal with and somewhere along the line, we all forgot about each other as we were too busy with ourselves... Even though it might take a life time to set things straight for yourself, no one can make it without the help of others... No one ever should... Our eyes were opened that day and we realized we needed each other to make it through... And even though we still had so many things to set straight for ourselves and with each other, we still managed to make a step forward... A small one, but a step nonetheless, which was good enough for me... Things might not ever be the same between us ever again... But maybe some day, it will... And everything will be better than it used to be... I wanted to believe that... I really did...