The Big Question
#9 of Ester Series
The Big Question
By TerraMGP
((Ruth and June are all my original creations and copyrighted to me. Please do not use them or redistribute this story without consent. This is the Ninth story in the Ester series, preceded by Ember and Belladonna and followed by Big trouble. Comments always adored.))
"Hatfield!" June blinked herself free from her inner thoughts for the third time that day. Instantly the stoat woman began to slam her fingers against the keyboard in an effort to seem busy. It wasn't until she saw the random letters streaming across a blank and empty text document that June slowly let her lithe fingers stop and looked back at the rather grim face of Dan, her boss from the head office. "Hatfield what the hell is wrong with you? You've never been disoriented like this before, especially not when inspections are rolling around. You know this doesn't reflect well on you." Dan simply let out another sigh before taking a quick look at the woman's desk and the huge stack of papers that seemed to have grown out of control in the past week. Considering the nearly astronomical standards and work ethic June had always put forward It didn't take a psychologist to tell something was wrong. "Look, I don't want to ask you what is going on. I don't care if its something at home, or family, or whatever. But the board is expecting some serious results this quarter and your team is already falling behind fast. Now I trust you to do your job and keep your department on top of things, but I'm warning you right now that if your still this bad off when your review comes around I might have to consider making you take a vacation, or something more drastic." With that the graying tiger simply adjusted his tie and tried to give her the most reassuring smile he could. Considering his position as VP of R&D the tiger had seen quite a few people burn themselves out, but this time it seemed to be a particular worry.
"No sir, I don't need a vacation." June sighed softly. "I promise I will be back on top of things by Monday, and I will make sure every single deadline is met." June watched the man walking off with a knot of tension growing in her stomach. The second Dan left Junes face hit the keyboard. How anyone could ever cope with being so unable to function was just far beyond her. Yet, for the first time in her life everything was just so out of order and uncontrollable. She always had a plan, had ideas of what she wanted to have happen with her life and when she wanted it to happen... and now this. A child, Even the thought filled her with nervousness and doubt. They had never talked about having a child or planned for it financially. Not once had Ruth even expressed any interest in the possibility of becoming a mother or even owning a pet for that matter. Hell the last time the issue came up, she had all but thrown the idea out the window. Now this, another one of her spontaneous little changes of heart that always seemed to come at the absolute worst times. What were they supposed to do? They didn't have funds put away, or information on schools that their child would most likely go to in the area. Hell they would probably need a new apartment to have enough room, maybe even a house. Then there was child care to consider, and doctor visits, and one of them would have to get a van or a safety sedan. What were they supposed to do? For that matter how was she supposed to work with all of these thoughts looming over her like a rolling thunderhead? The potential child wasn't even conceived yet and already it was taking time and attention away from her job. It wasn't a thought that she was proud of, but after putting so much time into her career just jumping into something like this felt like a kind of failure.
Worst of all was how this situation made June feel towards Ruth. She still loved her of course, that would never change no matter what the big brute of a woman did. In spite of their love part of her wished that the subject had never come up. Ruth was always so maddeningly impulsive with things like this and she never thought anything though. This wasn't just some simple trip out to the countryside or a dinner at a nice restaurant. It was foolish to think that they could be this spontaneous with considerations about bringing a new life into this world, especially when so many other people did so without any planning or forethought. Young couples who were content letting a night of passion turn into another life without parents who care. It seemed wrong, almost perverse to consider having a child at this stage in their lives and with the world in the state it was. Of course that might be why Lillian had decided to adopt when she did, but then that simply brought up a whole host of other issues to be considered, and it was doubtful that Ruth would go for that option even if June were to consider it. Naturally though she would not anyways, and June was against the whole idea at this point in their lives, so really this issue seemed to be more or less moot. In fact the more she looked at it the more It seemed that this whole idea just led her to more infuriating logical dead ends as did most things when Ruth was involved.
Looking up from her convoluted pondering, June felt her heart sink at yet another half hour of time lost without her realization. It was quickly becoming all too clear that she was not going to be getting any work done sitting here no matter how long she sat or how late she worked. With a great deal of reluctance the stoat slowly began to pack up a few of her more important papers while waiting for the company laptop to power down. Maybe if she was out of the work environment her mind wouldn't be spending so much time trying to force herself to work and thus would be able to actually get the work done, or if not she would at least be able to avoid going insane trying to force it all out at once. As soon as the laptop was shut off and powered down June quickly nabbed it up and without another word to anyone on her team simply walked out of the building. One of the perks of being the boss was that she had few people to answer to. There were no embarrassing questions or signs of protest among her small but dedicated staff. Just a simple walk out to her car followed by a surprisingly short traffic free drive back to the apartment where hopefully she could sort everything out. As always June walked into the apartment and set everything down by the Futon before walking over to the answering machine and checking for any new calls. After that she pulled out a set of comfortable cloths from the bedroom and walked into the large, elaborate master bath that dominated almost a quarter of the apartment. More than ever it seemed that she needed some way to relax, and fortunately like any other businesswoman worth her salt June had a couple of tricks to take care of that. Pulling a small box from beneath the sink she set about assembling her personalized bath kit while starting a nice run of warm relaxing water. It wasn't much, not some huge affair like skydiving or squash, it wasn‘t even as intense as golf. But it was one of those simple things that seemed to make life all the more worthwhile.
As luck seemed to always have it though the bath would have to wait. As soon as she got the water started June could feel the gnawing at the back of her mind caused by the obvious mess that her Fiance had apparently decided to leave all over the living room during her lunch break. "God damn it." she sighed walking back out to the living room and grabbing up the empty box of breakfast cereal, bowl and empty milk container carrying them all back to the kitchen. After a decade she had a hard time fathoming just how Ruth could be unable to pick up after herself with something so simple, or for that matter why she was shocked when Ruth didn't. Once the bowl had been rinsed out June walked back out to the room and started to clean once more, sorting all of the messed up magazines that were now scattered across the table and left open. She noticed that one of them was left open to a page of cribs, various models circled in red pen, each a high end model costing more than their first bed had. "Oh god she's on that kick again. Why can't I just get one day of peace?" she asked before shutting the magazine and adding it to the pile, making sure though to put it at the bottom in the futile hopes that it would not be missed.
Ruth let out a massive groan of relief as she walked though the door, pulling off her jacket and tossing it on the floor directly below the coat hook. It had been more or less the same since they moved in, or so it seemed to June. Normally it was simply a minor annoyance but considering Ruth's new kick for being a mother this irresponsible behavior was even more exasperating. June was already doing the laundry, washing dishes and cooking for the two of them, and with how much time she had to put into work on top of that the stoat simply could not understand how she was expected to stack diapers and feedings at all hours of the night on top of that. Just as she had done every night for the past nine years June moved forward and scooped up the massive jacket, placing it on the hook and then walking back to the kitchen where Ruth was already occupied searching for a beer in the kitchen. "Hay June, We have any Guinness left? All I see in here is that stuff you got from the Microbrew." Walking over to the fridge June pushed her love to the side and shoved some of the items to the side revealing two untouched six packs resting in the very back. "Thanks sweetie. I don't know what I'd do without ya." Ruth just gave her love a quick kiss on the cheek and started to walk back towards the couch as June let out another frustrated sigh.
"You realize that you would not have to ask if you just remember to put it on the list. Besides weren't you going to try and cut down on your drinking? You know that even with working out as much as you do those things are still quite bad for you." Ruth wasn't listening of course, she never really seemed to listen when things like this came up. At this point June was content to simply allow the lip service to fall on deaf ears. This was about how things usually went with them. Ruth asked for help to do something simple, June would naturally get a bit aggravated and point out the most obvious solution as clearly as she could, and then her beloved fiancé would continue on without taking the time to process how she could easily remember these events for next time. The cycle seemed to prove true once more as Ruth took her place on the futon and snatched up the remote control, turning on one of her King of the Hill episodes and nursing the first of two beers she would usually have on work nights. June let out another frustrated sigh and started to put the roast she had gotten from the local butcher setting the oven for two hours and walking back out to the living room.
Ruth let out a small sigh of frustration, hoping that her show would help dull the emotional raw nerve her love had hit on. "You know June it really isn‘t like I‘m getting drunk or anything. Besides carbs are good for me. I go to the gym enough that I need them." She had a rather foul tone in her voice, but did her best not to really show it. Ruth knew all too well that this was how fights ended up starting, and that was the last thing she wanted to deal with tonight. "Hay June, why don't you come on in here and relax a bit. The worlds not going to stop if you just stop and relax for a few minutes." Ruth as always was oblivious to the various machinations of her lovers mind. For some reason June seemed to be so intent on doing everything right away and in such a precise fashion to the point that it seemed they never got a chance to relax while at home anymore. Or to be more precise they never got a chance to relax spontaneously, or do anything spontaneous for that matter. It wasn't right to call it a rut really since the two of them had always been something like this. Even at the start of their relationship June had sought to have everything just so, and once they moved in she quickly figured out that June wanted everything just so and it was better to just let her have things the way she wanted. So here she sat as her love worked away at dinner letting herself get lost in her show. "Hay June, you really gotta watch this. Bill just ate dog hormone biscuits. God I love this show... So much like home."
June started to walk out once the roast was in, putting down a coaster since Ruth seemed to forget and then walking around the coffee table to sit beside her. "Didn't you grow up in the middle of St. Paul? In fact if I remember correctly your father told me you hadn't even gone camping until you were fourteen." Ruth just let out an exasperated sigh at this little snip and leaned back on the recliner taking a sip of her beer. "I still don't see why you like this show Ruthie. Its just a bunch of stereotypes about hicks from Texas. Real people are not that bad. Why can't we just watch something more intelligent? They have a special on the Discovery Channel about theoretical life on other planets. That could be really interesting." Ruth looked at June for a long moment before letting out a frustrated sigh and reaching over for the remote, stopping the playback of her show and instead flipping though the various channels lazily until she got to the DIY network.
The little comment was surprisingly short considering how tolerant June usually was. Ruth wasn‘t quite sure what was going on but already this had the makings of a bad day written all over it. "You know June, just because you don‘t like something doesn't mean its not intelligent. Its observational humor. It doesn‘t have to be just about one group of people in Texas." Ruth was a bit used to such standoffish behavior now and then, even if she was not quite sure what if anything she had done to provoke it. Still odds were good it was something small, and so the best way to deal with it was to try and ride it out. "Here we go, how about a compromise. I'll put on the DIY network. That way I can watch something I like and you can start planning for the house when we finally decide to get one." In all honesty Ruth was excited with the idea of having a house almost as much as she was with the prospect of being a mother. It was a rather new idea, especially since she didn't really know anyone who lived out in the suburbs let alone in more open and rural areas. Still it didn't look too hard the way these people did it. Digging out a few holes and putting in some rocks and trees here and there, it might even be a nice way to spend some of those warm summer days when she usually ended up in front of the TV anyways. "You know June if we really wanted I bet we could manage a few fruit trees. Hell if we had a big enough yard we could probably even manage some veggies too. It would probably be even better than all that fresh organic crap Lil picks up for dinners too. I mean if its better getting it from a farm than a supermarket, your back yard has to be even more amazing right?" Unfortunately it seemed that Ruth's enthusiasm was lost on her partner, who was far more content to sit there quietly radiating an aura of quiet frustration.
Normally June would be all for a compromise like this, but as usual Ruth had found a way to make the whole situation absolutely no win. Not only did her wife to be want a child, but now it seemed that Ruth wanted a house, and a big back yard, not to mention a new car that would be fitting for having a child. This was why it seemed so hard to concentrate at work, the constant reminders of Ruth's growing obsession ended up creeping into even the smallest things in their lives. Granted having a nice house and yard really would be a good investment on their parts so long as they followed the line of thought properly. But knowing Ruth she would not have the patience for something so drawn out and complicated. June watched the fascination on Ruth's face and knew that the second they had to discuss a loan, set up a move, read into property values in differ areas or indeed anything she would consider boring in any way the project would be dropped and June would be left cleaning up Ruth's proverbial mess. Where Ruth saw a nice brick walkway, June saw a big dirt hole in the ground with contractors coming in to finish laying out the bricks. Where Ruth saw a well landscaped lawn with fruit trees June saw a big overgrown patch of half dead grass with dead trees withering in them. Ruth had a wonderful, idealic vision of their future together it seemed, but as always she failed to see all of the things that could go wrong and those were the things that had to be kept in mind when moving forward with anything so major.
Over the next hour the two women simply sat in silence, June with her various notes and papers while Ruth kept watching her show and making mental notes about what kinds of things she wanted in a house. Ruth was a little frustrated at how aggravated June seemed to be, even compared to her normal uptight demeanor. Every time a subject came up, even a benign one, June simply turtled up and refuse to say anything more than she needed to shut Ruth up. "You know honey, if you have a problem with something on, you can tell me. I'm not the only one in this after all, right? I mean I already have all these plans in my head, and I can't do anything with them without your input. I need to know what you think, do you want to go into the country or stay in the city? Do you want to have a big back yard or not? I need some kind of feedback June. I can't just push all this forward. This does affect both of us after all." She hit pause on the show and quickly pushed away the folder of papers June had been looking over. "June you need to talk to me. Its that whole communication thing you keep harping on, and planning. This is usually your thing, I figured you would be thrilled about this." To the shock of both women June simply scowled at the comments and pulled her documents away growling a bit. "Woah, June calm down, I'm not trying to upset you. This is just kind of important, and its hard to deal with it when your keeping yourself focused on all that work. I mean they can get along without you doing everything for just one day can't they?" With another sigh Ruth let go of the folder and shook her head. "I just figured you'd have more of an interest in figuring this stuff out you know? You always like to plan for the future."
Finally June could take no more. Standing up she simply looked the Ursine woman in the face. "You know if you really cared about what I thought you wouldn't be putting me on the spot in the first place." She all but screamed fists curling as all the pent up rage finally let itself out. "You didn't figure out anything with this from the start. There isn't anything rational about your sudden maternal obsession or this whole fucking house idea! You spend one day with our God daughter, see how happy she is and how much she has grown up, and suddenly you decide you want something we should have decided on years ago." Ruth blinked and took a step back even as June moved up closer picking up one of the magazines and waving it in front of her. "Your making decisions on a whim yet again and like it or not you will get the house and never keep up with it, and you'll get the yard and let it go to hell. Then your going to end up making me play the nurturing mother and wreck my career to top it all off. For what I might ask? Are you really prepared to deal with the consequences of having a kid you can't just baby whenever you want and then leave with someone else? Do you realize how much work and pain will go into this whole ill conceived fiasco? Do you really think that you are prepared to take the good with the bad? Damn it Ruth if you want a child so bad then you can‘t just suddenly make some short sighted decision and then hope I‘ll do all the hard work again. I‘m not going to be your fucking crutch so you can play mommy when it suits you!" June was simply livid at this point, perhaps more than she had been in quite a long time. Her voice was already cracking from the shrill screams and arms trembling hard as she fought to stay standing. "Ruth, what the hell do you want from me? I can only do so much and I'm stretched thin as it is. I don't have it in me to do more all by myself while you reap the benefits." For a long moment the two women looked at each other, June in her rage and Ruth in quiet shock.
Ruth looked back into Junes face and took a deep breath trying to calm the growing frustration that was being painfully yanked out of her. Normally her Fiancé was so calm and rational, this sudden outburst of anger just blindsided her. "What the hell do you want from me June? I‘ve been doing everything I could to show you that maybe, just maybe I‘m more than the over grown child you have made it oh so painfully clear now that you think of me as. I'm trying to show you I've changed for gods sake! Yet all you can do is tell me that its not fucking good enough. Why, because I still have a beer every night? Because I haven't gotten you some God damn status reports about what foods are best for baby or how to most efficiently manage a move to a new house? God damn it June what the hell did I do to piss you off so much?" Ruth slammed one massive paw against the wall, less as a violent gesture and more out of sheer infuriation at the whole situation as it was now. "So we didn't plan for this years ago, That's my fucking fault, not yours. I get it ok? It was my fault for not thinking I would be a good mother and it was my fault for being selfish. But I realized my mistake now, so why the hell are you still fighting me? How the hell do you expect me to make this work if you can‘t give me even one inch?" she snatched up the remote and hit the off button on the TV before turning back to her fiancé with eyes narrowed. "You know June I‘m not just some damn pity case you can use to make yourself feel better! I go out every day and work my ass off to do something for the two of us, and I make a good living too God damn it! Just because I don‘t spend every hour of my day letting some guy in a suit use up every ounce of creativity I have so he can look good doesn‘t mean I‘m any less responsible or capable." Ruth simply let a few more moments pass before pushing past June, almost knocking her over and walking into the front door, hand trembling as she threw it open and looked back, mumbling "I‘m going to the gym." This was followed a moment later by the loud resonating smack of wood on wood, accompanied by an almost sickening crack that seemed to echo painfully though the apartment.
Another scream built up a few moments later as June watched her lover storming out, once again echoing though the apartment that was the culmination of all her frustrations. "Damn that woman. What the hell does she think she's doing running off like that? She really thinks that is how a mom acts?" The anger continued to flood over her for a few moments before June finally let herself calm down enough to think rationally. The one dim positive to this whole fiasco was that she could now at least attempt that bath she had been forced to put off because of Ruth's selfishness. Storming into the bathroom she pulled out the stopper before starting up a new stream of water and assembling the rest of her little kit. The water seemed to run into the tub at an almost mockingly slow pace, but at least she was alone and sure that she would have a few hours to enjoy it even if it came at the price of so much more stress. Ruth may have screwed this whole thing up once, but she would be damned if she let her do it twice in one day.
June let out a small sigh of relief as she let herself sink softly into the warm inviting bathwater. No matter how bad things got the amazing alchemy of warm water, Lavender bath salts and Vanilla candles always seemed to make the rest of the world melt away. At least it usually did. For some reason even this small comfort wasn't enough to take her mind off of the horrific shouting match that she and Ruth had just undergone, or to quell her anger at the situation. "Come on June, you can‘t think about this now. Your not getting anything by staying so pissed off at her. Just sit back a bit, relax and try to let go damn it." The moment of tension passed as soon as it hit, leaving her to simply lay back and try once more to get herself into a stress free state of mind. That was how it usually worked anyways, using her baths as one way to keep the stresses of the world out and allow her to focus more on the problems at hand. It was really a wonderful method for the common day to day stresses such as bad meetings or hard deadlines, but unfortunately this was about as far from those supposedly normal problems as one could get. They had never had a fight as big as this, that much was now beyond question. No matter what way June looked at the situation she could not think of anything about that fight which hadn't pushed their relationship beyond any previous limits of strain. It was just so maddening to always have the same problems. She didn't want to be so hard on her, but a woman could only do so much without feeling like she was getting any support.
Mercifully another half hour of rest brought the power of Junes warm bath to full force, melting every knot in her muscles and bringing her mind to that strangely quiet and collected state. Part of her did feel rather bad about how useless her love seemed to feel. True Ruth never seemed to offer the right kind of help in these situations before, but then June was hard pressed to really think of a situation where they had fought like this before, or for that matter a situation where Ruth had been so passionate about something. Of course that could be part of why she feared having a child so much. After so many years being convinced that they had the life they wanted, passing up any chance they were given to change things and expand their family. Now it was all changing so fast, and it was hard to consider these desires to be anything more than another flight of fancy even after seeing such passion from Ruth. This was the same woman who years ago had been so animate about not being bogged down with children now turning around and thinking about houses and cribs and all any number of other things as if it had been her lifelong dream. Such radical changes seemed almost unnatural to the young buisnesswoman who invested so much of herself to the notion of preparation and planning. But then That was Ruth in a nut shell. Wherever June would see something out of place or ill planned Ruth would see spontaneity and fun. The two were so different, and in reality that was probably part of why they got along so well. So then why should June be surprised that Ruth just might see something now that she was missing about this situation? If nothing else she could give the woman a shot and talk to her about it, instead of ridiculing her like some immature teenager.
It was quite a long while before June let herself reluctantly leave the warm embrace of hot water that had helped her put everything back into focus. She slowly cleaned up the bathroom and then went into the living room in warm bath robe wicking away the moisture from her lithe, tawny frame and a towel wrapping around her shoulder length red hair. Nice as this was she just hoped that in her relaxed state she could at least try to make things right. For the second time that day she watched the knob of their now cracked front door slowly starting to turn and the door opening at an almost painfully slow pace. "Ruth?" June asked as she sat up quickly, already recognizing the hunched over ursine as she walked in with little more than a dejected and mumbled noise of greeting. June could see that her lover was still drenched with sweat and struggling to stand up, being more exhausted than she had ever seen before and looking as if she was ready to collapse. "Ruth I..." What the hell could she say? It felt like some gigantic invisible hand was clutching at her heart, crushing it slowly with pain and guilt. As soon as Ruth had shut the door June jumped up and ran over to her love, wrapping her arms around the woman and choking back a few tears. "Ruth I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you. This is all just so sudden and confusing, I really don't..." She couldn't hold it in any longer, the poor stoat woman finally breaking into tears on Ruth's chest. For a half moment she just felt the fear pushing up into her neck even as those two big strong arms wrapped around her, slowly giving her a comforting hug and stroking Junes hair reassuringly.
After working out most of her own frustrations Ruth could easily understand the pain that June seemed to be feeling. "Shhh its ok, really. Don't worry about it sweetheart. I understand, I know how scary it is. It scares me too June." The two simply held on to each other for a long moment and let the rest of the world fade a little as they were joined by their own regret for a fight that should never have happened. Slowly they seemed to find their way to the couch and sat down as the tension in the room slowly died down replaced by a fragile air of understanding. Ruth reached over to one of the magazines that littered the coffee table, opening it up and showing her partner the various items she had circled in it. "I already have the crib picked out, and a walker that can be used while jogging so we can keep in shape while getting the baby some fresh air. As for the room I figured that if we don't have a house by the time the baby comes, we could always convert my little pseudo study into something passable, provided we want to spend the money on it. Honestly this is why I need you for this June, I don't know how to manage all of these things. Both of us need to be on board with this plan. Do you want a house, or do you want to stay here? Do you want to get a new car or do you like the ones we have? You need to tell me what you think we are going to do." she set the magazine down and picked up Junes hands, holding them in hers as she looked the woman in the eyes. "Most of all though I need to know if you are with me on this. June, do you want to be a mother?"
"I really don't know Ruth" she said softly. "I can't stop worrying about work, or about how we are going to manage all the problems that come with being a parent. I don't want to do something that we are going to regret ten years down the line." June pushed into the bigger woman and closed her eyes feeling Ruth's massive, strong arms enveloping her. "I'm afraid, I don't like not knowing what might happen to us, or feeling like we are rushing into something that could literally crushed all we have worked for. You keep talking about how wonderful it would be or what things you have worked out. Maybe I'm being too hard on you, maybe I should trust you more. But how on earth do I know that things won't get worse once I get pregnant? How do I know for sure that nine months after we walk out of that clinic the baby won't get sick and need my attention past maternity leave. I could lose my job for that. Or maybe this new house ends up having all kinds of problems. Its just too many big changes to make all at once, and I'm scared." June realized that this was the most honest she had been with herself or Ruth since the whole situation started. She wasn't proud of that fact, but she could not simply ignore all of these huge things that could blow up in her face, things that she wouldn't have any control over. It wasn't even the fear that things might fall apart so much as the fact that she might not be able to pick the pieces up again.
Ruth watched her lovers whimpering and just tilted the stoats chin up and placing a soft kiss on her lips. "Shhh come on now, you don't have to worry about any of that June, really. I asked what you wanted. Not what could go wrong, not what you thought. We can't control every little thing about our lives, but that shouldn't stop us from making the changes that we really want." Ruth sat up more and reached over for one of the catalogues showing her love a picture of a happy family with a new baby. "I promise you that no matter what happens I am going to be by your side. You could end up the president of your company by the end of the month or we could both lose our jobs and lose this apartment. Frankly I wouldn't care either way. There is only one thing that should matter at this point, that should have mattered when you actually answered me the first time." The two women just held each other close for a long moment, allowing any previous hostility or frustration to melt away. Fight it as she might June finally broke down and began to cry, holding harder to the big frame of the ursine for protection, for comfort and safety. Ruth smiled and reached down to wipe a few tears away, tilting Junes muzzle up once more and kissing her cheek. "Now I want you to forget about all of those people who might get upset or things that could go wrong. I don't give a damn what other worries their might be right now. Just tell me one thing. Do you want to have a baby?"