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Note: This is part two in the ongoing series 'a worthwhile life.' I intend this to be the last full length flashback, as Tessi has better things to do than dwell on the past. Soon you'll get to meet Tessi more as she is now - somewhat confident, learning how to be a stable fox on her own. But how will her interest in Iefan affect her?

Existence Part 2: The Psychiatric Ward

They led Tessi upstairs. The hospital was quiet at this time in the morning. Pretty soon the sun would be peeking over the landscape, but until then a predawn twilight cast ugly shadows into the rooms Tessi passed through.

She was told to wait in a small windowless room. A small partition hid those walking by from seeing who was sitting in the chair. Since the hospital, she had been allowed to re-don the clothes she had been wearing that night. The gauze on one of her arms had unraveled, and she had given it up as a bad job. Now she had one arm with fully visible cuts. Here, she supposed, that wouldn't be too much of a problem.

After a short wait a thick female squirrel came in with a clipboard. She sat down opposite Tessi and began gently asking questions. "Are you here of your own will?"

"Yes" Tessi replied curtly. She was tired. The squirrel marked something down, and continued.

"For what reason have you been admitted?"

Tessi paused. "Attempted suicide." The conversation went on in a like manner for some time, with the woman asking for specifics where they were needed. Finally, she told Tessi to make a list of all the personal effects she had brought.

"Why?" Tessi asked, confused.

"You'll be changing into hospital garb for your first 48 hours here. It's standard procedure. The rest of your posessions will be held behind the desk. Don't forget to mark off that you have a bra- you'll have to give that up too."

"What?" Tessi replied, dumbfounded. "Why my bra?" The squirrel set her clipboard down and looked at Tessi calmly.

"Because it has a wire in it." She looked pointedly at the mutilations on Tessi's arms. Tessi nodded. She understood that while, in this case, the need was obvious, they would ask the same of all women entering, regardless of the reason for their admittance. It probably made the place a lot safer. After writing down everything she had brought, she changed into a gown and put everything small inside a brown envelope and sealed it.

The squirrel passed her off to another person, who showed her to her room. The bathrooms didn't have locks on them, and cameras were in just about every corner. Tessi went to sleep at about six a.m. They didn't wake her for the morning group meeting, letting her sleep in until about ten.

When she woke up, Tessi took stock of her surroundings. The rooms were bare, even the beds were short of comfort. The floors were all tiled - probably to make cleaning easier if someone bled or urinated - and the walls were an institutional eggshell white.

She wandered down the hall to the community area, seeing for the first time the people with whom she shared the space. A few people clustered at a table playing cards with part-time employees. Others watched television, and some sat in a corner reading self help books. A phone was available for out and in bound calls. When the phone began ringing, and no one seemed inclined to answer it, Tessi picked it up and put the reciever to her ear.

"Hello, may I ask who you're calling for?" She said politely, uncertain of how to phrase the question.

"I'm calling for Gabriel," a man on the other end said. Tessi called out for a Gabriel, but no one answered. Eventually, one of the other inmates told her he was still asleep in his room. Tessi grabbed a notecard and a pen.

"He's still asleep. Do you want me to give him a message?"

"Yeah. Tell him I'm taking care of his rabbit."

"Anything else?"

"Get him to call me when he gets the message please." Tessi agreed, wrote down the mans name, and hung up the phone when the conversation ended. She asked the desk where Gabriels room was and slipped the note under his door. Having nothing else to do, Tessi sat down in a chair and hugged her legs.

***

A few hours later a dark fox, about as tall as Tessi, entered the room and sat in a chair opposite her. Somehow he had acquired some colored pencils and paper. Curious, Tessi leaned over to see what he was drawing. She saw a well drawn comic, with rather witty commentary on 'life on the inside.' The fox saw her looking and smiled.

"It's just some comics" He said.

"They're really good." She replied guardedly. Thus far, she had not spoken to any of the other people incarcerated there.

"Would you like some paper and pencils too?" He asked, holding some out to her as he spoke. She nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, thanks. I'm Tessi, what's your name?"

"Gabriel," He responded, looking down at his comics again.

"Gabriel?" Tessi asked incredulously, "I put a message under your door! Did you get it?" He looked up and smiled.

"Yes!" Gabriel lit up, grinning enthusiastically. "Thank you so much! Apparently he'd been calling for days but no one bothered to tell me! You're the first person who actually bothered! I was so glad to hear my rabbit is taken care of, I was really worried."

For a while, the two talked, comparing their reasons for being there. Apparently, Gabriel had been drunk while working on an art project, and cut himself with an exacto knife. A neighbor had seen the cut and called the police, telling them he was trying to commit suicide. Ashamed, Tessi had confessed she in fact HAD tried to commit suicide. He was an involuntary commit, and she was voluntary. This meant that she would probably be let out before he was.

For the next few days Tessi felt much better, having a confidant and a friend who understood her. They spent practically all the time outside of group meetings together. When she didn't want to eat the hospital food, Gabriel gathered together all of the uneaten desserts for her. When a homeless schizophrenic began to question her on her arms, Gabriel stepped in

and diverted his rather erratic attention. At one point they even had a paper airplane contest. Neither won, both hitting the ceiling shortly after 'liftoff.'

Eventually, Tessi's parents came to see her. She dreaded this moment. In the hospital, Tessi's mother had been quite angry at her. Rather than console her, she had told her how what she had done had been selfish. How did that help? How on earth could that ever have helped? Wasn't that selfish of HER to say? Tessi shook her head.

Gabriel sat nearby when her parents came in. She had found him to be a vital support. When she thought she would break down, his confidence and ability kept her going. Now, however, she had to face her demons alone.

"Tessi." Her mother said, sitting at a table opposite her. Tessi's father, an aging professor, sat to her mothers right. "Your father and I have talked. We've decided you need to move home and take a semester off." Tessi felt as though she had been dealt a blow. This was the first year she had spent away from home, and her college career was important to her.

"Why?" Tessi sputtered back, angrily, reflexively baring her teeth.

"We found your cell phone. We know you've been missing your classes. We don't want to pay for your schooling if you aren't taking it seriously. And you obviously can't handle life in the townhome." Her mother kept saying 'we,' yet somehow Tessi suspected the 'we' was more of an 'I.' Her father kept silent, a blank look across his face.

"No." Tessi said, suprised the firmness in her voice. "I can't move back. Tionis couldn't afford to live on his own, and his room was basically a closet when he lived with his grandparents. I can't abandon him."

"We're not going to help with rent anymore," Her mother continued, as though Tessi hadn't said anything, "And we're taking the car back." Tessi was stung. She would have owned a car, albeit an old car, of her own, if her mother hadn't insisted on getting her a new one less than a year before. Now she was using her 'gift' as leverage against her? How on earth could Tessi trust her mother now? In the end, her parents left, their demands made clear. Yet Tessi was resolved not to return to her parents, knew she would find a way never to go back. After what they had said, she wasn't sure she could ever forgive them.

Tessi was still shaken, however, suddenly completely on her own financially. She had less than $1,000 dollars in savings, a semester bill to pay, no car, and almost $500 dollars to pay in monthly bills. They wanted her to abandon Tionis! Fat chance! Tessi cried off and on for a while, as Gabriel comforted her.

The next day she had a 'family' conference, which mostly consisted of her family telling her she was wrong and a bad person, after which she was released. Gabriel had been scheduled to leave the same day, so he probably left a few hours after her. She had had the foresight to get his name, number, and address. He only lived about a half hour away. She would definitely have to visit him! As she left, she gave Gabriel a fond hug, and felt teary, slightly fearful she wouldn't be able to find him again.

Her parents drove her back to her townhome, where Tionis was waiting. She didn't say much to them, and didn't listen to their admonitions. Their. Hah. Her mothers' admonitions.

When she got into the townhouse, she was greeted by her brother, the wonderful Otter who she had to thank for her life. He had been taking care of her pets while she was away. They caught each other up on what had happened while she was in the mental institution. She told him about Gabriel, and how wonderful he was. She even showed Tionis a drawing that he had made and given her. She, in turn, had given him a drawing of a dark angel, and signed it along with her number.

When Tionis told her what he had gone through while she was gone, she was stunned. "My family told me I should move home, that I should leave you," he said. Tessi's heart dropped, and her face must have reflected her negative expectations. Tionis shook his head. "You know I would never leave you, Tessi," he said gently, hugging her, "You're my sister!"

Tessi cried in joy. Here, she had betrayed his trust in the worst possible way, and he was still there for her!

"Tionis, why would you stay? After what I did to you?" Tessi asked through tears.

"Because you woke me up." He said. She had trusted him, she had asked him for help. Through all the years that passed, she would never come to completely understand why that was reason enough for his loyalty, but she never stopped being grateful for his friendship.

***

Tessi's eyelids drooped, and she was brought back to the present. The recent near-rape, her self inflicted wounds, and the recollection of her past miseries had clouded her mind. That had been two and a half years ago. They had put her on antidepressents, which she quit taking after about three months, and told her to see a counselor, who she stopped seeing after about a year. In the meantime, she had passed through two other homes. She and Tionis had ceased to live together when the lease on the townhouse was up. Not because either had abandoned the other, but because it would simply work to the best that way - he had found a place to live near campus that he could afford, and Tessi had found a cottage a good distance from school that allowed her cat to live with her.

She had stayed in touch with Gabriel throughout the years as well. As it turned out, he actually had been trying to commit suicide that night, but hadn't wanted to admit it. While Tessi improved in random spurts, Gabriel relapsed and drank heavily and did drugs. Despite that, Tessi found him to be a valuable friend and would never forget how wonderful his support had been during those three horrible days.

Tessi had found a good relationship, though she would marry, and had been ejected from it shortly before the Holidays. She had been flung again into a depression, but it lasted weeks rather than months. Tessi had finally learned that she couldn't seek love from others to validate her worth - she needed to love herself first.

That brought her to her present predicament - her desire for the wonderful, handsome fox Iefan. Were it not for her desire for him, she would not have visited the adult store, and would not have been subject to an almost rape. She wouldn't blame him of course, but she looked forward to the next few days. What would happen with him? He wasn't interested in her, but how would he deal with knowing her interest?

Still somewhat depressed and hollow, arms aching from her poorly thought out self mutilation, Tessi finally fell asleep.

***

What will happen between Tessi and Iefan? How much has Tessi truly 'healed' in the years since her rape, sexual abuse, and attempted suicide?