Existence Part 1: Tessi's Last Night
#4 of A Worthwhile Life
Note: This is a two parter because it would probably be a little cumbersome to read all at once. Hope you like it!
Existence Part 1: Tessi's Last Night
After spending several hours crying on the couch, Tessi finally pulled herself together. Her green eyes were rimmed with red red, and her eyelids puffy. They stung whenever she blinked. She had calmed down considerably from her earlier hysterics, already beginning to regret hurting herself. Now she would have to hide her arms for a few weeks until they healed, and it had just begun to get warm outside again.
Now that her initial desperation had worn off, Tessi was tired, and prayed she could fall asleep. Without bothering to don pajamas, Tessi climbed into her too-large double bed and tried to drift off. Her mind kept wandering to what had happened after Killi had left her once and for all.
***
It wasn't that long after Killi had abandoned her when Tessi had reached rock bottom. She had a test the next day, and an event that she had been looking forward to for weeks had been canceled. She spent most of that night in the kitchen of the townhome on her computer, gradually becoming more depressed. She hadn't studied for the test, she no longer satisfied Killi, and her drinking habits caused considerable distress to her best friend and room-mate, the otter Tionis. She didn't know what purpose her life had, if any. It wasn't difficult to persuade herself that she no value at all. Her arms were already torn up from repeated self mutilations, but a recent spat had made her wrap her arms in gauze to hide the extent of the damage.
For some time that night she wrote farewells, posting them on the internet or texting them to certain friends. She didn't say goodbye to everyone. For some, she was simply too ashamed to leave them a note. It wouldn't be the first time she had attempted suicide either, but it was the first time she truly anticipated dying. She had kept a large bottle of iron supplement pills in the kitchen and, with a blank mind, she swallowed as many as she could.
For a while, Tessi sat crying, head in her paws, awaiting her death. She didn't think she was letting people down - not yet - she didn't think anything. Her depression had quelled almost all rational thought for months. This was just the end point of a long painful slide down. Her body hurt, but it was almost impossible to tell if this was from the pills or from her emotional state. Even though she truly hoped she would pass away that night, even though she wanted to relieve everyone from the burden of her presence, when she walked upstairs to go to sleep and, she presumed, her oblivion, she began to have second thoughts. Her room-mate Tionis slept just across the hallway. It took a few minutes for her to work up the courage to approach his room.
Tentatively, she knocked at his door. When he didn't answer, she knocked again. By now, it was at least midnight. The exact time had long faded into memory, but Tessi could at recall it was well past Tionis' normal bedtime. Eventually, weeping, Tessi began to call out his name.
"Tionis, Tionis please, I need help!" She wailed into his door. Tionis finally opened the door, blinking sleepily. When he noticed her tears, a concerned look crossed his face. He was tall, taller even than Killi, and had light golden fur. The two had been best friends for years, though Tessi's depression had put a strain on their relationship.
"What's wrong Tess?" He asked, drawing an arm over his eyes. Tessi stuttered, trying to decipher how to tell him what she had done. She felt miserable, wanting to back out of asking for aid. Would it be better to die, than to bother him? She shook her head. She couldn't make up for her decision if she was dead.
"I... I tried to commit suicide. I swallowed a lot of pills. I'm scared. I don't want to die!" She whimpered. Tessi was shaking, her paws numb from stress and fear.
"Tess..." Tionis said slowly, evincing neither anger nor desperation, "We need to get to a hospital. Do you know where it is?" Tessi shook her head, ears down in shame. "I think I know where one is. Lets go." He took her hand and they left the townhouse, locking up behind them. Her black car was parked less than a hundred feet away. The drive seemed far too long and confusing, the conversation dwelling mostly on her ability to focus. Tionis didn't have a license, so she had been forced to drive.
When they arrived at the E.R. it didn't take long for her to be admitted into a back room to be questioned. Tionis never left her side. He didn't speak much, looking morose in his own way, being a silent support. They asked her how many pills she had taken, what they were - an iron supplement - and how long ago she had taken them. They took her vitals, had her change into a gown, and then sent her to a back room where she lay in bed until they brought her a cup full of black liquid.
"What is this?" Tessi had asked the attendant, sniffing the substance. It reminded her of a barbeque. The attendant turned around.
"Activated charcoal. Drink it." He left. Maybe he was busy. It didn't really matter.
Tessi sipped the substance and wrinkled her nose. It tasted awful. Tionis offered to try it, and Tessi agreed, smiling weakly. He took a small swig and grinned. His teeth and tongue had been dyed a temporary black. In return, Tessi's smile became more natural. He was so wonderful! How had she ever come upon a friend as amazing as he was? What had she ever done to deserve him?
She drank the charcoal, ignoring the taste and the thick, gritty feeling as it slurped down her throat. It didn't take long before she was vomitting and defecating black. Apparently the purpose of the charcoal was to clear her system out. It seemed they didn't think she needed to have her stomach pumped, always an encouraging sign. Still, Tessi worried that she might have caused irreperable damage to her system.
Various nurses and atendees wandered in and out of the room, checking in on her. They tried to draw blood, but it took four tries, and they had to eventually resort to a butterfly needle on the back of her palm. Up to this point Tessi had not been afraid of needles. Thanks to the frequent, painful prodding, this was beginning to change.
Sometime that night other people began to show up to see her. One of the people she had said goodbye to had called Tessi's parents asking them if she was all right. Another had seen the message online and began calling local hospitals. When her family heard about the texts, they had an ambulance sent to her home. They were mad, and hurt that she hadn't called them or told them of her suffering. In reality, she had, repeatedly, but they had always been angered at her unhappiness.
Because of hospital protocol, whenever two people came in, Tionis had to leave the room. This made Tessi feel absolutely alone, though truthfully it was a wonderful procession of all the people who loved her. Yet for all they cared, and for all they came in her hour of dire need, she felt the most grateful for her room-mate, her neo-brother Tionis. He was there even when things weren't bad. He didn't hold her hand when she cried only to leave her alone when she was happy - he was always around.
One of the visitors convinced her to check herself into a psychiatric ward. Considering the suffering she had already put her brother through, and her inability to control her emotions, Tessi agreed. She spoke with someone about admitting herself, and they told her she would need to be transferred to a nearby hospital. By the time a van arrived to take her away Tionis had been forced to leave. He had school that day and had spent the entire night in the emergency room with her. The last thing she could remember was that he looked tired, stressed, and so absolutely forlorn Tessi hated herself more than ever.
She had to leave the hospital alone, in the back of a dark van with quiet people who only spoke in hushed tones amongst themselves. Tessi had never felt so empty, so alone. The people who had come to see her had only made her feel worse. How terrible a fox was she, to hurt the people she cared about? She was right - they were better off without her. She only dragged people down. She had barely seen anyone for ages, missing nearly three months of school to lay at home all day on the couch playing video games. Who would have missed her? Tionis, she chided herself, he would miss her. He genuinely cared. How could she have done this to him?
When the van finally came to a halt some twenty minutes later, she was left to exit the van herself. Someone was waiting for her inside, and showed her where to sign appropriate forms to be admitted. When she finished them, she signed the bottom line and entered the Psychiatric Ward of a local hospital.
***
What happens to Tessi during her stay at the ward? What will her friends say when she is finally released? Will Tionis stay by her side despite her betrayal of his trust?