Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 12
12
"Oh dear... Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..." she said, looking him up and down, her face rapidly switching between uncontrollable joy and crushing sadness.
"It's not as bad as it looks," Ander said, all too aware of the miles of white bandages wrapped around his body and the black thread crisscrossing endlessly around his arms, neck and face, showing through the brown fur he had inherited from the vixen sitting by his bedside.
"You're a lousy liar, Ander. You very nearly died that night, didn't you?"
"I..." Ander looked down at his left hand, completely wrapped up. It still hurt to move his fingers. "The things they did... The things I did... It -"
"No," Sarah held up a hand. "Please don't. I don't want to hear what happened over there."
Ander was taken aback. The one person he might have told was also the one person who didn't want to know.
"Do you remember what you told me just before you left?" she asked, folding her hands in her lap.
"I promised I would come back."
"No matter what. And you kept that promise, as I knew you would..." Her hands suddenly clenched tightly, scrunching up her dress around her knees, and her shoulders started to shake. "No... that's a lie..." She said it so softly he could barely hear, but the tears welling in the corners of her eyes were as bright as the sun, unmissable. "I was so sure you'd end up dead, I was sure the days would go by and you'd never come back. I could see myself sitting on the porch, day after day, watching the path that leads to that evil mountain... hoping and hoping... but you'd never come back... And it would all be my fault..."
Ander knew this was going to hurt like hell, but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was give his mother a hug before her tears had a chance to spill, so he worked his right arm free from underneath his blankets -
"Andrew...?"
- and undid the sling with his teeth.
"Andrew, no! Bethany will kill you! What are you - ?"
He reached out, ignoring the pain chewing through his shoulder, and pulled her close in a clumsy, one-armed hug. There was none of that shocked rigidity like last time, like a frightened doe caught in the sights of a hunter. She returned his embrace immediately, her arms shaking, but her touch delicate. He could feel her breath against his neck, hot and haggard.
"It's thanks to you I was able to keep my promise," he said. "It's thanks to you I was able to make it through the pass."
A single tear ran down her cheek and fell on his bandages, where it was quickly soaked up. But that was okay. That tear didn't spill out of sadness. "I wanted to see you again, I wanted to know that you were okay. I... I know it's not really... We've only known each other such a painfully short time, and I know our situation is a bit strange, and that you grew up never knowing anything about me, but... it was different for me. I did know. Sometimes I'd be pulling weeds, or baking bread, or washing clothes, and I'd suddenly think about you. I'd wonder what you were doing right then, and if you were okay, or if you were even still alive, and it would hurt, Andrew. I'd feel so empty, like there was something missing, and... Oh, it's difficult for me to explain this. I don't even know what I'm trying to say..."
"I think I do," Ander said. "I never stopped being your son."
Sarah nodded. Her face was so hot, he could actually feel it through the bandages. "I couldn't be a mother to you, but you were always my son."
"You're wrong, Kai. You were a mother to me when I needed you most. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you, so please stop crying. I'm okay, and you're okay. Everything will be fine from now on."
"Mm-hm." She wiped the tears from her eyes, then, "Andrew?"
"Yes, Kai?"
"How is... How is Kadai? Is he well? And did you learn the other half of your story?"
"My father..." Now this was a path he had to tread lightly, filled with poisonous thorns and hidden traps. "I don't know if it's my place to say something like this, with him on the other side of the mountain, and you here, happily married and with a family of your own, but I've never lied to you before, and I don't want to start now. I believe he still loves you, even after all these years, and he misses you very much."
"I knew he would, because I still miss him too, sometimes." She sighed. "I might even know him better than you, in some ways."
"Perhaps," Ander admitted, looking out the window at the cloudless sky, infinitely blue, broken only by the hulking shape of the Cora. It was only on the night of his execution that he learned how little he really knew about his father, and the difficult path he had to follow. And about...
"Kai? About the other half... Why my father was out in the woods and the rain, about all that blood on his hands... He..."
"No, Andrew," she said.
"Kai?"
She raised her head and looked him in the eye, a direct stare very different from her normal, hesitant gaze. "Whatever Kadai told you, that's between him and you now. I went for twenty-three years without knowing, and I can go for twenty-three years more if need be."
"But, Kai..."
"I can see in your eyes it's a painful story, maybe even more painful than what they did to your body. It is never a good idea to pick at a wound, especially one that hasn't even had a chance to heal yet. One day, when you're all better, and if you still feel that you want me to know, I will listen to anything you have to say."
"Thank you, Kai. That really means a lot."
She lowered her head again and rested it against his chest, but not quick enough to hide the shine of her unspilled tears.
"I... forgive me if this is too soon, or if it feels strange," she said, her voice trembling, "but... there's something I want to say. I have to. And... you don't have to say anything back. It's just... Andrew..." She closed her eyes and wept against his neck, and Ander held her as best as he could, squeezing her tightly with his one good arm. "I love you. I never stopped loving you. Since the night you were born, there's been a special place in my heart, just for you, a place nothing else could touch, no matter how bad my life was. I love you, Andrew. I..."
"I love you too, Kai," Ander said. It was not too soon, and it did not feel strange. It felt like the most natural thing in the whole world. She was his mother, and he loved her. "I love you, too."
A small gasp escaped Sarah's throat, and her shaking gradually stopped. Her heartbeat slowed down, and her breathing returned to normal. They stayed that way for a while, mother and son, sharing a moment long overdue. He could feel his own tears start to well up in the corners of his eyes. He didn't even try to keep them back. He simply let them run down his face, hot and urgent, carrying away the last shreds of all the loss and sadness they had felt for each other, until there was none left.
"Kai?"
"Hmm?"
"Thank you for making me promise."
She kissed him on the cheek. "And thank you for keeping it..."
Together they smiled, and together they cried, holding each other tightly.
The nightmare was finally over.
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