Sleepwalking
#3 of Excerpts from a diary of a mad dog
Though it pains me to do so, I must express gratitude toward you disgusting mill-mouthed masses. Each of you meandering forward at the gruellingly slothful pace of the flock, bleating for all your worth about the fluff you've found to fill that yawning void that aches at the center of us all.
I thank you not for being yourselves, nor for any actual effort on your part. I thank you for serving as an ever standing, filthy cracked mirror I may look into and hate myself with as well.
Some part of me has no choice to love you, to desire you, to yearn for your pressence as I was most certainly born and raised among you. Educated side by side, baptised in the same ignorance and sent forth to play as a child. And yet for some reason we did not remain on the same path...
It pains me and fuels my rage to no end to watch you, going on without me, able to continue as I should have, drinking from the well waters of madness and blithely prancing forth to sew our mutual devolution and stagnating destruction. Why was I forced to open my eyes and look upon these truths? Why was there no one to come along and offer me the bliss of swallowing the blue pill? Why must I remain awake to witness the madness of wonderland?
But let us focus on the first wound...the gaping puncture that started the hemorrhaging that we shall consider my awakening.
I was raised with a Santa, I was raised with an Easter bunny and praised be in those days, I was raised with an all knowing, omnipresent, forgiving and protective god. So good was he that not only did he provide me with his glory to worship, but he even made a nifty source of evil for me to hate and thereby better appreciate just how giving and glorious he was! Ah what was ever greater than knowing all that was good came from god and all that was bad came from the devil? So easy was it to slumber after my nightly prayers.
But then came that first pinhole in the dam: The devil, source of evil was created by my all knowing, future planning god. So in turn that meant god was also the source of all that was evil and all that I hated. Every time I suffered..anytime I heard my mother weep...this was all perpetrated knowingly and willfully by god.
Of course this first step began many years of desperately trying to rationalize continued faith with the aid of smoke and mirrors created by those older and less attentive or thoughtful than I. Eventually the Pandora's box of my own realizations wouldn't stay shut and I was forced to acknowledge it all as a lie. And it is for that first and foremost that I must hate you all.
You remain wrapped in that cozy blanket of a lie. After all, it is not as if I wanted to awaken, no more than anyone wants the covers torn from them on a frosty winter morning! Forced into this terrible unforgiving world with no lord and savior to protect me, no king of kings to serve, no great and holy cause to champion, nor a mighty cross' weight to bear.
Who would want any part of this world? Who would want to go on in this manner? Who could think anything other than that it all should just burn...
Truly...without my lord in this world, it should all just burn. And so it shall...one way or another I shall do what I can to see it take place. Enlightening others seems fine, cruelly crying out that misery loves company as I tear the covers from others little by little, one by one. Each of you shall join me, one by one lifting up a torch made from this Promethean flame, with it we shall light the sky darkened by the absence of God's glory and set this world rightfully ablaze.
After all, what good is this world without our lord within it?