FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The house was quiet and still. I had never really given much thought into the feel of the building before, but today it was hard not to consider what it was I was looking at. I had felt dread about this house growing up, my stomach would grow cold and knot up just thinking of passing through the doors, but not today. There was no one in the house now, and that gave it an empty feeling. Whatever heart had been here was gone; it was just empty and strange feeling as I stepped onto the porch and looked dully at the door. I dimly felt my grief, something that was looming in my gut, but it was a secondary emotion that was pushed away under the same pills that I had been given a few nights ago by Ivan. He'd given me more in a bag, carefully cut into halves; they made the pain go away. It made the world distant and remote, the pain bearable, which was what I needed.

"No ones here." I spoke softly and reached for the door, feeling CJ behind me as a wary presence, as well as Stefan, though the rabbit was out of place in this area of town.

"We can still make it, if ya want to." CJ's voice was soft, the rat patiently standing at my shoulder. "I mean, ya don't have to miss out on sayin' goodbye."

"It's okay, I don't want to." My hand felt weighed down before I touched the front door and turned the handle, it wasn't locked, it was never locked.

My mother would be buried befitting a lioness. Despite how my species had fallen, there were still old ways, old cultures that lingered, they were almost mockable considering how my people behaved, but they still adhered to them. She would be buried outside of the Wall, escorted by security of course, but she would be buried in a graveyard strictly held for our people, honored by the females of every dominant male as her body was painted and prepared. My father and brother had already cut their mane for mourning, not shaved it like I tended my own, but cut it down. It was supposed to be a token, but as I considered the man that had sired me, I only felt it was a mockery to the woman who had raised me. I flinched away, the drugs making it easier to ignore that pain as I stepped into my house. I had only taken half a pill, it helped numb my pain, not make it disappear or knock me out.

CJ's hand touched my shoulder, perhaps hoping to give me some support, but I hadn't brought them here for that. I was half terrified that someone would be here, and I didn't know how to deal with that, having them here meant anyone that might have been here would be forced to reconsider doing anything to stop me. I was outcast, technically I wasn't family anymore in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of the lions, some of the older males would still enjoy a good beat down if they saw me, but a rat and a rabbit meant that they would have to be cautious. Stefan was one of the higher species' which meant that any brutality on their part could be met with the police and far more than a simple warning. It meant I could do what I wanted to do.

"Just wait here." I glanced towards the hall, towards the bathroom, though the door was shut. "I just want something of hers, alright?"

"It's okay, take yer time, don't think anyone is going to come here." CJ smiled weakly at me, his buck teeth showing briefly. "We'll keep watch."

"Do you want me to come with you? I can help?" Stefan spoke up, the ebony colored ears pricked up on his head.

"No, it's okay." I licked my lips nervously and gave my head a shake, my paw reached towards my pocked automatically where three of the pills were resting. If it got too bad I could take another, I didn't want to take too many, but another one would at least stop the dull ache. "I know what I want."

My mother had few precious things, and nothing of any real value, but I knew that there were enough things that the old monster would likely sell it off to get more money for his drink. I would never come back here again, but I wanted a part of her with me. I hadn't been able to save her. I padded down the hall, my eyes moved away from the shut bathroom door. I walked faster than normal, but I didn't care, there was no hiding how I felt, I just made it to the master bedroom and stepped through the open door and froze. It smelled like her. It had been several days, but the scent was still there, the faint scent of her perfume and make-up, the warmth of her fur that had been here. It didn't smell like him, not really, just a faint old scent that was dying with her perfume. I swallowed and nearly asked for CJ or Stefan to come with me after all.

The bedroom was cleaned and neat, that alone told me volumes. He hadn't been sleeping in here. He never cleaned up after himself, the living room was a testament to that. My mother had always been strict, always making the bed in the morning and doing a quick clean up before she left for work. It was just like she had left it, all the way down to the chair that was pulled out just so that would let her drop down in it after work, her night gown folded along the back waiting for her. My lips opened and I started to breathe shallowly, not even the feel of the drugs stopped the pain as I looked at the aging vanity mirror and desk. Everything was laid out in order of how she used it, her powder for her fur, the bottle of fine oil that could give it a sheen when she wanted it. Nothing was expensive, it was all stuff she had bought out of the clearance bin, but it had always made me happy to see her dress up. She didn't do it enough, and when she did she was the loveliest lioness I had ever seen.

I touched the chair lightly and looked at the mirror, my eyes were slightly glassy looking as I drew in a breath of her scent. I had the intense urge to rub my cheek against her night gown, to cover myself in her scent and hold onto it. I didn't want it to fade away. I twitched my ears and forced the urge away, I wasn't here to linger, I wanted something of hers. I needed it. I couldn't see what she loved sold away. The dressing table only had three drawers, but I knew which one I wanted without even thinking about it. The small drawer opened smoothly, the scarred and old wood familiar against my fingers as I revealed my mother's jewelry. There wasn't much, and what was there was costume jewelry, cheap items that she wore day to day, things she had bought at the outlet stores that weren't made perfectly or were mass produced with glass jewels. Even then, there wasn't very much hidden there.

I pushed them aside, I knew what I wanted to find. As I ruffled through the jewelry I felt the memories stirring under the surface, not even the pills helped push them away as I fingered over necklaces and bracelets. I found it tucked in the back in a box, carefully protected from the rest of the fake jewels and strands of sterling silver chains. I knew it the moment my fingers brushed against it, drawing it out reverently and a small smile turned the corners of my mouth as I slipped open the case. I remembered it from the large moments in my life, she had never worn it except for special occasions. The star was nestled inside of a bed of white satin that had aged towards yellow at the edges. The jewel winked brightly at me, the diamond chip wasn't much, but it was real and caught the light in the heart of the white gold metal. The chain was looped with exquisite care so that it didn't tangle, her hands had done that. She was always so protective of the one piece of good jewelry that she owned.

I carefully lifted the necklace from its home, the star seated in the palm of my paw beautifully. It had been a gift from her father, from all accounts he had been a good man, a kind man, powerful and charismatic in the community. I had never met him, but she had told me of stories growing up about how he had carried himself with dignity despite the fact he had worked his life in the mines. He had passed away with his mane and fur nearly black from his work, but he had loved his family. He had given her the necklace when she had graduated high school, the last gift he had given her before he had passed away. She had had others, but hard times had steadily meant that they were pawned off for money. But not this one, never her star, she would not part with it.

_He'll pawn it the moment he runs out of money. _ I thought and closed my hand around the necklace gently, placing it back in the velvet covered case.

I pushed the drawer back, but didn't replace the jewelry box, that was slipped into my pocket securely as the drawer slid shut, hanging at an angle. I drew in a breath, I drew in her faint scent still on the air, the cheap perfume that had once smelled so grand to me and the earthy scent that was simply her. I looked at the mirror and the small vanity, my fingers gripping the chair briefly before turning away.

"I'm sorry.." I whispered softly in the quiet air before walking out of the door and towards the hall. She wasn't there to hear my apology, she would never be there again.

~ ~ * ~ ~

"SHALL!" Sanmer's snapping voice made my head jerk up from the table, startling forward hard enough I nearly pushed the table out from under me. "Are you awake?"

"Yes." I answered, automatically, but I didn't feel that awake. I felt wrapped in cotton, the world a dim rumble in the backdrop of my senses. The murmur of the restaurant was a dim sound in the back of my mind.

"What is wrong with you?" The white fox leaned forward to give me a look, his eyes carefully studying me while I struggled to look alert. "Are you sleeping alright?"

"I'm sleeping fine. Sorry, I was just... thinking." I excused myself feebly and gave my head a rough shake before reaching for the ice water on the table, perhaps it would wake me up.

I was sleeping. I was sleeping too much and too often. It had been well over a week since my mother had been buried, almost two weeks since she had been alive, since I heard her voice in my ear, more than a week since I had held her body in my arms. I had tried so hard to deal and cope, but nothing mattered anymore, I felt lost and a drift. The world continued to move by me at a rocket pace, plunging along with the present with no thought as to the grief I felt. The first few days had been alright, I had had support, I'd had people over continually to talk with me and express their sympathies, but I couldn't expect my friends to put everything on hold for me. I'd finally stopped seeing Ivan, he had his own life to go through, I'd told CJ I was alright, I could deal, but it was a lie. A pretty lie. When I heard people laughing, saw happiness, I felt a hole in my heart, how dare people still be happy when I was missing the only parent I had ever known?

Sleeping. I only felt real peace when I slept, and I took pains to go to bed and stay that way. I had returned to work, but it was a brief respite in my day, mostly spent automatically doing what I was being told and working to get home so I could crawl into bed. I told others I was trying to sort things out, I was seeing my therapist, I was working with my doctor, pretty little lies. Whenever I went home I immediately went to the bathroom and choked down several of pill halves Ivan had given me and washed them down with over the counter sleeping pills before crawling into my bed. I would sleep, if I woke up I'd take more just to sleep longer, I often slept for fourteen hours a night, anything to avoid really thinking.

"You don't look good." Sanmer's ears went back as he looked at me, leaning over the counter so the edge of his braided head fur slipped forward towards the edge of the table. "Eat some more, okay?"

"I'm not really that hungry." I looked down at the plate and grimaced. The artificial meat was greyish looking and pooled in a gravy that looked like it had seen better days. "And it's not that tasty looking."

"I'll order you something else, maybe something sweet?" Sanmer grinned over at me, the smile looked forced as his eyes remained fixated on me. "You're losing weight, you know that, right?"

"Not really." I reached up and rubbed my muzzle with my paw. "Listen, I think I just want to go home and get some sleep."

"No, I want you to eat something." The fox rebuked me, his voice sharper. "Just pick something else."

"Don't you have work this evening? You said earlier you have-" I tried to find an excuse to make him leave, but he growled at me. He actually growled, his dainty muzzle pulling back to show his teeth and he tapped the table with a paw.

"And I can sit here all night, eat something more. I'm worried about you, you've been acting strange." Sanmer responded, his eyes harder looking. "You need to eat, take care of yourself, I can help you. Your friends can help you."

"I'm fine." I answered and stabbed a bit of the faux-meat with the fork, grimacing as some of the juices were pushed out into the gravy.

I'm enough of a burden to most of you, I can take care of myself. I thought privately as Sanmer tipped back his nearly full glass of rum and coke to take a tip. As if he were steadying himself for my mood.

There was no denying that I was high maintenance. How many times had I run to CJ crying? Needed help or someone to come with me to the doctor? They attended my every need, how long before they were tired of dealing with my drama and issues? That was a fear that had begun to blossom like a whispering monster in the back of my mind. I was a wreck, a ball of issues so intense that it was a Gordian knot that couldn't hope to be unraveled.

I stuffed the meat into my muzzle and chewed automatically, trying not to feel sick as the gravy and the taste of artificially seasoned meat hit my senses. I stifled my nausea and began to work my jaws, chewing steadily around it while Sanmer watched with a stern look on his face. I even managed to swallow without gagging, but that only meant I was urged to take another bite of the food. I couldn't quite remember when I'd last eaten anything beside a bite here and there, eating just didn't seem to have the flavor it once had. I was mostly just tired, I wanted to sleep most of all, I just wanted to leave my life behind for a few hours and find someone else to be, even if it were in my dreams. There I was safe, there I was able to at least not worry about reality.

I should see my therapist. I thought dully as I stuffed a third mouthful into my maw, my jaws aching a bit as they worked over the meat that was far too elastic feeling. I should make an appointment.

_ _

The monster in the back of my mind laughed at that thought, why should I see a therapist? He would tell me to move on, to stop grieving, he would simply dismiss my reaction as being too extreme. He would not understand. I frowned as I took another bite of food and my eyes focused on Sanmer again, finding him watching me with a furrowed brow. He knew it wasn't alright. He'd try to make an excuse, he'd try to come home with me.

"Listen, you have things to do." I spoke up, licking my lips despite I didn't really feel like it. "Why don't you go in to work, I'll finish eating."

"I thought it'd be more interesting if we had a movie night." Sanmer answered, a grin forming on his muzzle. "I really don't feel like doing a night trial, we haven't had a movie night in a while."

"Yeah, and then you'll be stuck explaining to the boss why you're days behind where you should have been. I don't think watching cult films is gonna be a good answer." I responded and tried to smile, it felt strange on my face. "Seriously, go get your stuff done, you're done eating and when you've finished the trial gimme a call. Maybe I can stay up late and you can come over for a late night movie night."

"I won't be done until around three in the morning." Sanmer said and rubbed a hand over his muzzle. "You promise to finish eating? I don't really think the whole skeletal look would look good on you."

"Just gimme a call, I'm sure I can stay awake that long, if not we'll do it tomorrow night." I promised and made a point to stab another bit of meat to force down. A quarter of the plate done, when he left I could stop trying to choke it down.

"Alright.." Sanmer set his drink down, he'd barely done more than take a sip or two, then again, he had to work which was hardly surprising. "Just... Tell me if you need me, alright Shall? Or call someone, we're here for you. You just have to let us be there."

"You know I will." I lied. How could I let them keep comforting me? They would grow tired of it, they'd grow fed up at my depression and mourning, the monster in the back of my mind whispered. They had already done enough.

"Okay." The fox stood up and picked up his jacket, giving me a long look as I swallowed my food and offered him what felt like an almost natural smile. "I'll call you later tonight."

"I'll be waiting."

He left with a few glances back at me, he knew it wasn't alright, but I wasn't going to drive him away by letting him see just how badly I felt. I didn't have to feel that badly anymore. I stopped eating my meal and glanced around the restaurant and reached into my pocket. My fingers didn't have to dig that far before I found the pills in their normal spot, I always had them on me, I began to get nervous if I left them behind for too long. My finger rolled three into my palm to pull out while I looked at my half eaten meal. I really should have eaten more, but my stomach was already rebelling what I had eaten. It was taking more of the little white pills to send me into that warm furry place where my worries stopped worrying, I knew that was alarming, that I was developing something of a tolerance for them, but every time I told myself I'd not take them... I found a reason to pull them back out.

The pills slipped into my muzzle easily and I reached out to take a drink to wash them down, my didn't reach for my own glass. I didn't think about it, I can't even say why I did it, but I picked up the nearly full glass of rum and coke instead and brought it to me. I never drake, I hated the idea, I hated what it had done to my father and my mother, but I tipped it up to my lips and felt the ice cold spill of watered down coke and rum running over my tongue. It bit and burned, the alcohol strong enough that I grimaced and gulped it down in a wash that made me nearly gag out, the pill going down hard before I coughed and leaned back in the chair.

My lips tingled from the rum, there was hardly coke at all mixed in it, perhaps that was why Sanmer had only taken a few cautious sips. I wanted to put the drink down, but I didn't, I held it and looked at the water beads forming on the outside of the glass. I just wanted to stop feeling guilty for lying to Sanmer, for feeling the emotions biting against the back of my throat making it hard to think straight. I picked up the glass again, loathing myself as I did so, but I still lifted it to my lips and took a gulp of the harsh taste, letting it flow down the back of my throat with a sting that made me want to cough, but I managed it. I drank a large gulp and then another, my stomach burning and warming with the liquor as it stayed down. I managed a bitter smile at the glass, my ears falling flat back against my head as I did so, if nothing else my father had passed on the ability to drink. The thought hurt, I lifted the glass to my lips again, the pain would go away soon enough.

~ ~ * ~ ~

I didn't remember leaving the restaurant or how I did it. I didn't remember the walk home or the darkness starting to settle over the city. I didn't remember anything except a strange blur of faces and annoying noises. I didn't finish the drink, well over halfway through the tall glass I had felt nothing more than disgust at how I was behaving, what my mother would have thought of me if she had seen it. The pill kicked in, though, and it was unlike any other time I had taken them. The world blurred and darkened, faces lost their clarity, the directions I was taking seemed random as my paws stumbled here and there. The ground was lurching and roiling, I wanted to pass out, my eyes were so heavy, but I had to make it home first. I had to get back home, somehow, I knew home was somewhere, I knew it, but it was all strange and terrifying as every time I paused to get my bearings, I wanted to sleep.

"Shallen..." My name echoed and slurred in my ears as I stopped at a crosswalk that looked familiar, but my eyes were strangely unfocused. "Shall?"

I froze at the sound of my name and tried to stand up straight, my eyes flicking around, struggling to figure out why this spot looked so familiar and to find who was talking to me. I was swaying, or the world was rocking under me, but I managed to lean backwards against the street sign and found a pale form standing in front of me. It was hard to see him, my eyes kept wanting to double him up, but I managed to keep him in view, swallowing a little bit to clear my throat. Was it Sanmer? It had to be Sanmer, he was going to find out something was wrong, he was going to see that I was falling apart. I was spilling out all over, I managed to suck in a breath and straighten up as a paw touched my shoulder lightly and I tried ducking out from under it.

"Goin' home." I muttered, the words sounded so strange coming from my muzzle, but I got the paw off my shoulder.

"Are you okay? Look at me, are you drunk?" The voice persisted, that white form was like snow in front of me while a paw touched beneath my chin and another one gripped my shoulder. "What did you drink?"

"Fine.. m'fine, I'm goin' home now." I slurred, I hadn't had that much to drink, I hadn't really drank anything except that half a rum and coke, I was fine.

"Where are you going?" The face came closer, I tried to focus as the hands refused to let go of me, and the voice became a bit more clear.

"Home, I'm goin' home.." I answered firmly and pulled away, but that was a mistake, I started to fall. My paws were going out from under me, they didn't want to hold me up as I swayed to one side.

"Shit! Hold on!" Hands caught me, they were warm as they wrapped beneath my arm and slipped around my waist and brought me in close to black tipped ears and a black marked white muzzle. "What are you on? Shall, please, come on, answer me.."

Hiasaki, it was Hiasaki, he was holding me gently in his arms and pulling me up with a grunt as he picked me up against his broad chest. His arms wrapped under my knees and around my back as I felt the solid world fall away and I struggled to get free. My mind was too fuzzed over to be horrified that he was seeing me like this, I wanted to go home, I needed to get home. He held me tightly, tucking me in against his chest while his muzzle was just above my own as he was saying something that made no sense. I pushed against his chest and struggled to writhe my way out of his hold, but he only tucked me in closer, forcing my head to lay down against the curve of his shoulder.

"I gotta go home!" I spoke up, suddenly panicked as he seemed to be turning me away from where I knew my home was. "Gotta go home now! Please!" Did I truly slur so badly? It felt like I was.

"Shh.. shh... I'm taking you home, it's okay, Shall. What are you on? What did you take?" Hiasaki murmured as I struggled.

"Nooo.. home is that way.. I gotta go home, please, need to go home.." I struggled and arched, trying to go the direction I just knew my home was.

"No it's not, please.. mmmf.." The fox let out a grunt as my elbow hit his chin in his struggles. "Did you take something? Are you just drunk?"

"Took my sleep pill..." I mumbled, my focus and fear growing as I tried to push away. "Please, I don't wanna leave, I wanna go home."

I sounded like a cub, a scared cub as Hiasaki's hold tightened against me and his long muzzle peered down at me with his ears going back. "What pill? What's it called??"

"Dunno. Ivan gave 'em to me. Please.. please just lemme go home, don't wanna go no where else." I protested, my voice whimpering out.

"Shit, shit... I should take you to the ER." He moved and suddenly I heard a door being pushed open and the streetlights disappeared to be replaced with something brighter. I hissed out in protest and turned my head as they stung my eyes, tucking my head in against his chest. "Shh, it's okay, Shall, we're in your building, we're going up to your apartment, okay?"

"No ER.." I mumbled in a slurry voice while the fox grunted a bit and there was rocking motion, he was going up stairs.

"I'm going to call my friend, if he says ER, you're going. Do you have any more of the pills?" His voice was sharp and I lifted my head, shrinking from the tone of it. He was unhappy, he was disappointed, he must be angry at me. I was angry at me.

I started to cry, tears welled up as I was carried up the stairs, the tears rolled down my cheeks while I tried to apologize to him, my lips working and babbling out, but the words were garbled in my distress. I didn't want him angry with him, I didn't want him upset with me, he was going to leave me. He was going to throw me away for being this stupid. He should, he should throw me away. I was a broken thing, nothing at all, he should toss me away. He paused on the stairs and began to murmur to me softly, his hands squeezing me as I tried to tell him I was sorry, hiccupping my sobs out against his chest and dimly realizing that his shirt was growing wet with my tears. My messy tears. I felt horrified, but it didn't stop the tide of tears that spilled out.

Eventually, I realized that I didn't understand what he was saying, the words weren't in a language I knew at all. They were exotic and foreign as the fox pressed his head above my own and his lips pressed along the soft curve of my ear while he spoke. Slowly I managed to stop my sobbing apologies as he held me, my eyes stinging and my nose feeling stuffy while he rubbed his muzzle against the inside of my ear and I felt his lips press tenderly against my forehead while I calmed myself. I wish I knew what he was saying, but it made no sense at all, but it wasn't angry sounding and that helped make me relax while a hand stroked the length of my back.

"Shall, do you have any more? I need to know what you took." Hiasaki murmured softly before he began walking again. It wasn't that far before he came to a stop again.

"In the bathroom." I mumbled and sniffed. "I don't feel good..."

"I know, I know you don't." The hands shifted slightly, moving me. "I need to get your keys, okay? Just hold still, I need to prop you."

"'Kay...." I felt the wall pushing up against my side and his knee reached up to press right beneath my ass as he began to work his paw to the side of my jeans and dug around for my keys. "You smell good."

"Fancy that." Hiasaki muttered while I felt his digits curling into my pocket and finding my keys to work out.

"Like grease and snowshine." I sniffed him again and blinked my wet eyes, I couldn't remember why I was crying.

"Snowshine, eh kitten?" He sounded amused as he dragged my keys out. "Come on, Shall, let's get you on the couch so I can call someone."

"M'sorry.." I mumbled, it seemed important, my cheeks were wet as if I had been crying. Had I been crying? At that moment, I couldn't remember, it was hard to remember.

Hiasaki managed to get into the apartment, I knew there was a reason I didn't want him there, there was something hidden and secret tucked away that he shouldn't see. Knowing that didn't mean that I was able to hide it or even know what it was. He set me down on the couch gently, only grunting a little at my weight as he wedged himself firmly against one side of me and the couch and I leaned against him. He smelled so good, warm and familiar as his hand slid over my shoulders to help prop me up and it seemed natural to drop my head against his shoulder. It was quite warm and though the fabric was rough against my cheek, it didn't matter that terribly much as he was involved in trying to work his phone with one hand. I tried to see who he was calling, but the numbers danced in front of my eyes and I just closed my eyes to keep them from dancing in front of me.

I heard the phone starting to ring, and my ears twitched a little, but when I tucked my head I felt myself pressing right against the upper chest of the fox and heard something soothing. It was the steady beat of his heart in his chest, I pressed my ear to it and drew in a steadying breath. Some dim part of me was alarmed, I wasn't acting right, I never behaved this way after taking the pills. Mostly I just became sleepy and within an hour wanted my bed, perhaps I was in bed, perhaps this was all just a dream that my muddled mind was sifting through. It was a pretty thought.

"Hey, I got an emergency." Hiasaki's voice vibrated his chest and I opened my eyes and stirred, his arm tightened along my shoulder.

"No emergency room." I managed to get out, it was important, why was it important? I wasn't sure, but it was. Someone on the phone answered, my drug fogged ears could hear a male voice faintly.

"A friend got into something, I'm not sure what, but he's acting all out of sorts. He's been drinking, not heavily, but I can still smell it on him." The fox shifted a little and I felt ashamed of myself, humiliated, I smelled like drink. Like the monster. "Shall, come on kitten, wake up now.. Do you have any more of those pills on you? The ones you took."

"Got 'em in my pocket.." I managed and shifted, trying to get my paw down to my pants pocket.

"Easy, just let me get them, alright? Yeah, he's alert, but I'm not sure how alert he is. I can get him to the hospital pretty quick, but he seems to want to avoid that." Hiasaki's hand moved down my pants and fumbled for my pocket again. "Just.. hey stop squirming okay, kitten?"

"Like bein' called kitten.." I answered and wriggled as his hand slipped into my pocket, pushing down deep to where I tucked the pills away.

"Mmm.. well, I'll keep that in mind, eh?" He answered and drew his paw out after a few moments. "Alright, I've got them, they're cut white, looks like they are oblong. Lemme see if I can get the numbers off it... M-6677 is what's on it. Shall? How many did you take? How many halves?"

"Three? Three.." I tried to think harder. "Yes, three, two don't do anything anymore.."

"Shit, well that's three of them and some liquor." Hiasaki shifted and put his arm back around me again. "Do I take him?"

"No." I shifted and pushed against him feebly, but he only gave a firmer squeeze.

"How much did you drink? Did you drink a lot?" Hiasaki's paw moved to cup my chin, I liked the touch very much and tilted my head down towards him as he rubbed either side of my cheeks.

"No... Sanmer left a drink, had a bit of that, most of it.." I made a face and swallowed. "Sorry.. don't like to drink, I really don't... Rum and coke, more rum than coke... and then the waitress asked if I was okay and I tried to tell her-"

"It's okay.. that's alright... very good, kitten." Hiasaki murmured and repeated what I said to whoever it was on the phone with him.

"I wanna sleep.." I protested and leaned my head back, only to be rustled awake by the white fox moving against me.

"I can keep him up then, probably too late to have him throw up and do any good." Hiasaki made a short sound and gave me another shake. "Okay... yes... I figured as much.... Mmmm... A lion. No, no maned lion not the other sort.. No.."

They kept talking, but whatever was being said meant that I couldn't go to sleep like I wanted, I was forced to listen to them talk as my eyes threatened to sag shut. I wanted to sleep so badly, my body felt heavy, but every time I started to lean backwards I was given a shake to wake up as he kept talking on the phone. Eventually he stopped, eventually, but it seemed like hours he had spent talking when the phone was soon set aside and his soft paws reached out to cup either side of my cheeks and lifted my head up from where it was sagging.

"C'mon, Shall.. we're going to have a movie night, okay? Just us, you're going to tell me what your favorite movie is and we're going to watch it. And then we'll watch one of mine." He smiled as he spoke, as if it were the most delightful thing he could imagine, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. They were dark with concern.

"I wanna sleep." I protested, but he leaned forward to give the tip of my muzzle a gentle nip that took my breath away.

"I know, and you will, but we're going to give you a lot of water and watch movies together in the meantime, alright? That sounds like fun, doesn't it?" He shifted on the couch and I frowned a little bit, not finding a good argument as he stood up and gestured towards my TV. "What do you want to watch first?"

There was no getting out of it, even when I tried to protest and tell him that I wanted to sleep, he pushed away the excuses and forced me to pick out a movie. This was harder than it should have been, the world didn't want me to see things clearly, words were there, but they made no sense as I tried to puzzle out what they were. In the end, I picked out a DVD based on the fact it was colorful looking and I liked colorful. It wasn't a good reason, but it made Hiasaki leave me alone so he could set up the TV and I was able to curl myself up on the couch, tucking my legs in tight against my side and pressing my head against the arm of the couch. I was just tired, stupidly tired, my body didn't want to respond to me, I just wanted to sleep and stay asleep. Not that I was given the chance, the moment that the movie came to life with cheerful music a hand brushed my shoulder.

"You can't sleep yet, come on, Shall. Let's watch a movie together." Hiasaki's voice was gentle and unyielding as he drew me back up.

The movie started, a children's movie, but with some adult humor in it. It was at least bright and cheerful as I was neatly pinned against the arm of the couch and the fox, water forced into my paws as I was told to drink it. It was humiliating, I was being treated like a child, but I couldn't really fight what was being done. I was tired, I was so horribly tired, the weight of the world pressed down against me as the world rolled beneath me. It felt like the couch was tilting this way and that, I felt like I was going to fall off, but he kept me there, his warm body pressed against my own as we watched the movie. He didn't watch in silence, he kept engaging me, trying to get me to speak even though I was finding it harder and harder to pay attention to what was happening. I didn't even know the name of it, though it was familiar enough when he asked questions I could stammer some sort of response.

The longer the movie went on, the more I felt mortified by my actions. I hadn't wanted to drag anyone into this, I hadn't meant for them to become a part of my private bit of hell. The drugs softened the blow, but my stomach turned with a sick feeling while I pulled my knees up against myself. Why was I behaving like this? The monster in the back of my mind laughed, a wild high pitched laugh that not even the drugs could block out. Hiasaki was disgusted by me, he would leave, why would he stay when he had seen me like this? He was looking at the darkest part of me, he was just here because he felt sorry for me. He'd make sure I was alright and then leave, he'd never look back at the train wreck that I was. Why would he stay? There was nothing worth having here, nothing worth loving, nothing worth even being friends with.

It was somewhere between my movie and when he slipped in his own disk, that I realized I was crying. I cried the way I had been taught too, silently, but I could feel the wetness rolling along my cheeks as I hunched my shoulders miserable. I just wanted these feelings to be gone, the drug made my stomach tie up in knots as I swallowed and tried to figure out what it was that was on the TV. He'd leave eventually, he was just too nice to leave now while I was still knocked out of my mind. I heard laughter on the movie and jerked a little bit, blinking my eyes a few times when I realized that a hand was stroking against my wet cheek.

"Hey... what's all this now?" Hiasaki murmured softly. "I didn't think you'd hate my taste in movies this much."

"No.. just stupid." I mumbled and hunched my head away, the world swam slightly, but it was starting to feel a little more steady. "So stupid."

"Not that stupid! I mean, I like a bit of comedy, and this is the only one you have that is worth anything, I'll have to show you some movies that are really worth while. Expand your collection." The paw was gentle on my paw, while his voice was light and cheerful.

"Sorry... you should go." I blinked my eyes a few times and glanced towards him. "Don't have to stay here anymore, not worth it."

"Go?" I focused on his face, his dark ears were pricked forward while his smile remained on his slender muzzle. "I thought we were watching movies, and I never leave in the middle of a movie."

"But..." I started to protest, only to feel his paw sliding around me, curling along the length of my shoulder and drawing me closer to him.

"Hush, kitten, watch the movie." Lips brushed against my cheek lightly and I was drawn in closer to the fox while I tried to remember what I was arguing about.

The sound of the movie was dimmed as he pulled me in against him, his arm rested along my shoulder and side as he drew my head down against his chest. He was so terribly warm against me, the fur soft feeling as I tasted the scents of grease from his work and the unusual scent that was just him. The sick feeling in my stomach let go as his paw caressed along the line of my shoulder and murmured a commentary about the movie. I wasn't listening to his voice, I was listening to the soft sound of his heart beat in my ear and the vibrations of his words. His paw slipped down and curled right along the line of my paw and twined with my fingers, squeezing gently and drawing them up against my chest. Why had I been worrying? The light sensation of my body began to relax, the tightness in my chest relaxing in the strong hold of his arms and the purring deepness of his voice.

~ ~ * ~ ~

-BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP-

The sound of my phone stirred me, the sound of it so loud that it was shocking and tearing through my thoughts while I shifted and groaned out. The moment I moved my head felt dizzy and slightly aching, the covers spilled down against my body while something moved behind me. An arm that had been draped over my waist shifted and I heard a growl of annoyance vibrate in my ears as my bed moved and I froze entirely. I didn't have to fear an intruder, I knew who it was the moment my sleep fogged mind looked down to see the dark paw moving across me and the bed dipped down lower as Hiasaki shifted and got up on his knees to lean over my prone body and towards the other side of the bed. His belly fur was warm against my side, his pants rubbed roughly when he went too far and caught my pants to drag them up into the bed, fumbling around in one pocket for my cell phone.

" 'Lo?" He growled out into the phone, his eyes looking unfocused in the band of light coming from the partially opened bedroom door. "Do ya know what time it is?"

I was frozen, for a single moment I wanted to throw him off me and off the bed and bolt towards the nearest bathroom to lock myself in. My mind was sharper, clearer than it had been all evening, but it still felt fuzzy around the edges. I remembered watching movies with the fox, we had watched quite a few and I had been forcibly given many glasses of water and poked to make sure I stayed awake, afterwards... I remember being tucked into bed like I was a cub again, trying to take off all my clothes... I stopped right there and refused to think any further about what I may have said and what I might have done. Hiasaki was clearly still in his clothes, and as I moved, I could feel that I had shorts on beneath the covers. That was a blessing.

"Hiasaki." The fox growled into the phone, shifting back so he wasn't sprawled out on me. "No, he's right here, you woke him up I think."

"Who is it?" I spoke past my embarrassment, flicking my eyes towards the clock on my bedstand. It was just past three in the morning.

"Sanmer." Hiasaki answered and then spoke into the phone. "He's fine, yes... No of course not... Well he just woke up obviously. We were watching movies. Yes, watching."

The fox seemed more tired than annoyed as he leaned back in my bed, stretching out with his head fur rumpled and sticking up oddly on the top of his head. How long had we been laying here? Hours? Only an hour? I had no idea when I'd finally been allowed to sleep, but it didn't seem like that long ago, I could still hear the TV on in the living room when it should have shut off after being left on for longer than two hours. I shifted, wriggling a bit and rubbing my muzzle as the fox beside me finally got off the phone with Sanmer with a bit of a grumble. He reached over me again, and pushed against my back to put my phone neatly on the dresser, making me shift a little bit as I became aware of the warmth of his body pressed along the line of my back. He was almost too warm feeling as his fur brushed against my own and then he withdrew, not forcing his hand as I drew in a steadying breath.

"You okay, kitten?" He murmured softly and touched my arm. "Head feeling a little more clear?"

"Yeah.." I answered, too tired to feel more than the dull embarrassment roiling in the pit of my stomach. " I think so at least."

"Good." The fox shifted, and I moved as well, rolling in bed to turn to face him. It felt weird talking away from him, but it still made me flush to face the fox across from me, his head resting on one of my pillows. "I was worried."

"I.. I'm sorry." The words felt thick in my mouth, but the fox only let out a soft laugh and an arm slid beneath me, pushing between myself and the mattress to wrap around me.

"Nothin' to be sorry for, Shall, we watched some good movies. Been a long time since I watched a movie from start to finish." It felt good, his hand resting along my back, the smile on his face inviting and gentle.

"But.. I know how you foun-" I started and lips suddenly brushed against my own, it wasn't a demanding kiss filled with passion and desire, it was as light as a whisker touch.

I didn't know what to do, he should have been angry at me, or asking questions, but he only drew me in closer to him, his fur was so warm against my own, his body inviting with the soft thick fur plush feeling when I moved my hand out to brush against his arm lightly. It started out gently, but I wanted more, I wanted to taste him on my lips, on my tongue. I tilted my head slightly to one side and leaned into his kiss, slipping closer to him as I heard his shocked noise when my bare chest pressed against his own. His arm tightened against me, squeezing lightly as I flicked my tongue out, hardly believing I dared to do this, but I still did it. His own tongue slipped free and caressed alongside mine, the softness of it a sensory delight that made my breath catch in my throat. His paw kneaded along my back as I parted my lips and let his tongue slip gently against my own.

I knew my tongue was rougher, the barbs made it naturally scrape against his tongue as I inexpertly kissed him back, but he didn't seem to mind at all. It felt so good, so natural, the way his breath tickled my cheek, the feel of his body against my own was exactly what I wanted. I didn't know why I was so comfortable, but I was I let out a soft noise when his tongue slipped deeper, the long length of it twisted intimately against me, making me shiver. It felt so good, it felt wonderful, my body was warmly pressed against him, our fur pressed along each other. I don't know what I was thinking, perhaps I wasn't thinking at all, but my hand moved against him, sliding along the curve of his hip lightly, trailing with a sweep along his hip to where the edge of his pants hugged against his upper hip. It wouldn't taking much, a push and shift to slide his pants down. It felt like a good idea, the feel and press of him wanted him to be out of the pants.

His other paw moved up and gently caught my treacherous digits before they could do just that, his fingers curling firmly and drew our hands up against our chests, palms pressing against one another, his hand feeling larger than my own, more muscular with a hint of the callous' right along the underside of his palm. His lips drew backwards just as I felt a stab of alarm and humiliation, I didn't know why I had nearly done something like that. I wasn't comfortable, I knew I wasn't comfortable, but having him against me brought to mind dreams I had had of him. I swallowed and paled, my ears reddening as I tried to find a way to apologize to him. What would I say? Lie and say I would never do such a thing? Obviously I would. I couldn't find something to say, the moment his body pulled back from my own, his hand caressing my fingers, I realized I was bone tired. Soul tired.

"Sleep, kitten. Those drugs are still in your system, a good night's sleep will clear your head." Hiasaki's voice was a soft murmur, I could feel his lips moving against my muzzle. "I'll be right here just in case."

"You're staying?" I was so tired, the warmth was making me want to sink into the comfort he was offering me. I had never touched someone this intimately, it should have induced panic, but all I could think was how his fingers played with my own.

"Yes." The fox kissed me again, the tender caress slipped along my cheek. I leaned my head forward towards his own, his arm tightened along my back.

I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted to press my lips against his own intimately, to feel the warmth of his lips working against me, his arms tightening around me. I had to hold back, I wasn't in control of myself, I was tired and fuzzy minded in a way that told me that if Hiasaki had been just a little bit less of a gentleman that I would have been already pushing his pants down. I took strength in his resistance, in the fact someone was there with me, I could sleep and he'd be there. If I had nightmares, if I woke trembling and wet faced, he'd be beside me. I rested my head forward and just let myself be held. I heard his breathing, the soft warm sounds as his paw caressed along my back gently, despite the fact that my laying on it must have been uncomfortable. He didn't seem to notice the discomfort, instead he murmured softly, his voice a gentle musical tone that made my ears twitch up and my eyes open ever so slightly.

He was watching me, a song was coming out but I had no idea what it meant, it wasn't a language I knew, but it fell like music from his lips as he held me. His lips brushed and moved against my own while he sang, it didn't matter that I didn't know what the words meant, they were soothing and gentle. My eyes slid shut and I wriggled in closer, squeezing his paw gently as he held me. The embarrassment, humiliation, self-loathing were soothed away, the monster in my mind quieted as I simply let him sing. The musical words chased me into dreams that had nothing to do with the drugs, and everything to do with the comforting scent of the fox beside me, and his voice rumbling sweetly in my ears as he held me. I was safe.

Kodoku ni obiete ita yuube no kimi Boku no na wo yonde 'ta ne Mune ni terepashii Kiseki nanka ja nai Towa ni ai wa enajii da kara Nemure Sotto nemure Kanashimi wo wasurete

_ _

Jidai wa umi ni shizumu yuuhi no you sa Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku