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The Awkward Yet Funny Sex of Kiki Divine

"Now, audience members", a voice exclaims over a loudspeaker facing the auditorium`s attendance. "Now give it up for our next comedian, Kiki Divine!"

The audience members applaud in unison for the toucan that struts onto the stage. The drag queen is adorned in a pink, sequin dress that shimmers in the spotlight of the center stage. His yellow foot talons, red open toed heels reveal white painted talon nails as he sashays flamboyantly into full view of the night`s patrons. The outfit, along with his rainbow colored beak, stands in stark contrast to the jet black feathers on the rest of his body.

Raising one wing into the air, he places the other on his hip, flips back his flowing, auburn hair, and exclaims into his headset, "Hello, everybody! How are you tonight?!" The crowds respond with arousing shouts and applause for the energetic, enthusiastic, avian. "Since the subject of tonights showcase is sex, I decided that Im going to treat all of you to some of the hilarious bedroom exploits me and Zakir, my mate, have experienced over our decade's long relationship."

"Now, to give you an idea of who my mate is, hes a zebra. As you can already tell, Im a stereotypical drag queen. Like most stereotypical drag queens, I have a mate who is a real macho, toned, manly man, who loves to work on cars, goes to the gym, and cant go more than one day without some kind of sexual stimulation. I cant show any pictures or be too descriptive of his features, out of respect for him and his need for anonymity. However, I can tell you about how...interesting sex between us can be.

"Ok, anyone who has been in a long term relationship can tell you that sex is one of those things that isnt always predictable. One person can be in the mood while the other is not. The spirit may be willing, but the body is too worn out from the day to day grind to live up to the task. There are also times when well-meaning actions dont always end up so well. That third category is what we will be talking about tonight.

"This one time in particular, is when I really wanted to see a scary movie that had just come out. My mate is not into them at all. To him, every horror film and slasher flick is the same: fake monsters, unimaginative killers, and predictable storylines. I LOVE monster movies, but I just can`t watch them alone. I need him to hug up to. I made a deal with him: he watches the scary movie with me, and I would do whatever he wanted in bed the next night. So, we watched Mason 13, the latest in a series of movies about an equine who constantly resurrects from the dead, wears a hockey mask, and murders people with a machete.

"The next day, he calls me on my break at work and tells me he needs time to prepare for the special night of sex I had promised him, and that I should come home about an hour later than usual, which I did. As soon as I opened the door, I was dazzled by what greeted me. Mulberry incense filled the house with one of the sweetest of smells; pink and red rose petals scattered upon the floor made a walkway right to our bedroom, which, as I could tell by the soft glow coming from the under the door, was dimly lit to suit a romantic mood. I followed the rose petals to the bedroom and began to slowly open the door as I smiled from the obvious thought that he had put into this night. The unbridled joy made it impossible for me to contain myself, so I flew open the door. I screamed from horror at the site of Mason Horsehees standing in front of the bed, a machete brandished in his hoof.

"Now, keep in mind the nightmare fuel I had watched the night before. It`s understandable why I, being the chicken shit that I am, I screamed to holy hell, paralyzed in fear. My mate takes off the mask, and he has the biggest smile on his striped face. He was pretty damn happy to get one over on me. However, he was not finished. He actually wanted to have a rape simulation with him as Mason, and I was his helpless victim.

"Ok first of all, who the fuck wants to be raped by a masked serial killer, fantasy or no? Secondly, Mason Horsehees is not my first choice. When he wanted to be Dracula for Halloween and have me play as his hypnotized victim, fine! When he wanted role played as Hannibal Leopard so we could explore his vore fetish, fine! I...You know, I really shouldn`t have been surprised. Anyway, I protested. There was no way I was going to be raped by the character who gave me fucking nightmares the night before. Then, he said that I still owed him for the candle incident.

"You see, during our first year, I had divulged to him that I had never topped anyone before, and that I was interested in trying it at least once. For our first anniversary, he took some silicone based lubricant, loosened up his tailhole with the thick end of a candle stick and lit it just before I returned home from work. I was impressed by the lengths that he went to that night and greatly appreciated the gift of his anal virginity. However, as I pulled the candle out and away from the puckered entrance to his love tunnel, a small bit of wax dripped off the candle, and his ass was set aflame! To make a long story short, I quickly got him in the shower and turned the cold water on high. After that, I was rubbing some aloe vera from our houseplant on his crevice, when my finger slipped in. A few minutes later, I took his anal cheery!

"Anyway, I digress. I ended up playing his victim for the night, and it was actually deliciously erotic. Zakir tore away my clothes and forced me on the bed in every conceivable position. He remained silent the entire time as I screamed and pleaded for my life in ecstasy. The feeling of fear and lust made for a very sensually satisfying night. Right up until the point when he took the fake machete and slid the edge of it over my neck while I was riding him cowgirl style.

"Now, what I didn't know was that the prop weapon was designed to secrete a dark red fluid which simulates blood when a hidden button on the hilt is pressed. Due to panic, and my roleplay-driven instincts, I forced myself off of his massive, horse cock and ran to safety in the bathroom...after punching him in the throat. In the brighter lights of the bathroom, I realized that the blood was not mine and not real; so, I opened the door and hugged my mate, who was now on all fours and trying desperately to recover, as I begged for forgiveness. We kissed; we made up; and I cussed him out when I saw that the fake blood was all over my new, white bedspread.

"However, there are times when the sexual awkwardness that every relationship experiences does end hilariously. One time I made him orgasm so hard that his screams of pleasure cresendoed to a pitch so high that our ears couldn't hear them, and our next door neighbor, a Doberman, called to complain about the noise. One year, on his birthday, I came on his birthday cake, and he said it tasted like chicken. Then there was the night when...we switched roles completely...

"Heres the story. My mate knows how I have never like wearing boys' clothes. As a toddler, Id always run to the little girl's section whenever my parents would put me down in the clothing store. I tried on my older sisters bra when I was fourteen. At twenty two, I won the lottery bought a whole new wardrobe of womens clothes, and used a kerosene-fueled fire to do away with all the men`s clothing I had.

"Well, during the seventh year of our relationship, he thought it would be interesting if I took his role and vice versa for one night of sex. Of course, I rejected; by that point, I hadnt worn mens clothing in over a decade, and I'm not dominant in any sense of the word. So, he promised me this that he'd help me by this beautiful dress that I've had my eye on. I couldn't afford it on my own, so I couldn't refuse.

"The next day he went to the thrift store and bought the clothes. I let him have total control since it was his fantasy, and I had planned to get rid of them anyway. Well, that night, I wore black, denim, torn at the knee jeans; a white shirt, with the words "Bikini Inspector" in red, all capital letters; a blue, denim vest; brown, leather, steel-toed biker boots; and a red bandana on my head. For himself, he selected a flamenco pink, evening gown with a thigh-high slip; white, three-inch heels, fake pearl necklace, with matching clip-on earrings; a blonde, ass-length wig; and...a black bra and thong set.

"However, that was not all he had bought. Remember the night of the candle incident? Well, I didn't enjoy topping as much as I thought I would. Actually, I enjoyed the thrill of the act more so than the actual act itself. He had figured out a remedy for my discomfort with topping. He went to the sex shop and bought a bright red, flared, equine dildo, known as the Macintosh. I was concerned though; to my knowledge, he hadn't used his back entrance since the candle incident. As it turns out, he had been prepping and practicing his tailhole behind my back, for the previous weeks. Plus, we've always used this fucktastic lube made for men receiving anal from equines.

"So, there I was, the Macintosh dildo strapped on, about to enter his anus. I actually felt pretty good about it. That is, until he screamed, 'This mare wants to feel that big stud cock in her virgin pussy hole, baby!' I turned to fucking stone, right then and there. He knows how the mere mention of the female genitalia causes my mind to short circuit, and he dares do that to me right when we were about to have sex. Yes, I say slang for the female genitalia when he's balls deep inside of me, but I affix some kind of male word in front of it: boypussy, mancunt. Hell, once I even referred to my asshole as my he-gina. But, anything that causes the image of the V to come into my mind causes me to freeze. Then, in a bitchy, demanding voice, he scoffed, 'What's the matter? Getting cold feet? I should've known that big cock was only for show.'

"I don't know what came over me. The next second, I smacked his ass hard enough to make him lustfully squeal like I usually do and said in a voice so masculine and rugged that Woodchuck Norris would be jealous, 'Ain't ya jus a wily mare? Looks like ya need a real stud of a stallion ta wrangle in that attitude of yers. Ya best prepare that pussy for a poundin', gal.' In one, fast, hard, heat of the moment-driven thrust, I forced the entire length of the Macintosh down his tailhole and fucked the bitch right out of him...We still have the clothes and dildo.

That is all the time I have for tonight, but, before I go, I have two things to say. First, you all have been a wonderful audience. Secondly, how do you think this dress looks on me. I rode my mate's ass hard to get it! Goodnight, everybody!" The toucan struts off the stage as the crowd uproars into an enthusiastic applause.