FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

So...I'm broken. I probably should be sadder. And I am sad a little. But then again I'm not. It's actually kind of a relief to be honest. Just to know for sure. So after twenty-four extremely frustrating and stupid years I can finally say I am no longer a virgin. I mean... I didn't actually cum. My dick got sucked a little, and I sucked him, but I never got off. But that would do. That counted for the purposes of the ever present bedpost tally.

We were watching a movie at his house, his father's house rather, and lying on his little fold out bed. We cuddled and I forced myself not to pull away, which was usually my first response to physical contact with friends and family alike. It felt like cheating. Even my closest friends normally had to catch or trick me to get a hug from me, but I was forcing myself to hug this stranger I'd only meet a day ago. Was that dishonest? Refusing to hug people I actually knew and cared about for someone I'd meet for this express purpose? Probably should be.

But what was surprising was how alright it was by the end. The cuddling was actually kinda nice. Didn't last though. I had started the day just hoping I'd be able to sneak in my first ever kiss. That alone would have been a personal milestone. And boy... did I ever reach that.

Maybe it was just "first time nerves". Maybe it was the fact I wasn't, strictly speaking, _attracted_to the ferret. He wasn't ugly, God no. He was truly kinda cute actually. Just not the sort that lite my inner flame is all. I guess after twenty-four years, I just wanted the wait to be over. When he kissed me, I let him, and I tried to kiss back. Our glasses bumped together at first, so I had to take mine off. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. Opened my mouth, and mashed my tongue against his a little. But, and this was crucial, it was not fun for me. According to him I was a really good kisser, which was surprising but a nice little ego boost nonetheless. Presumably he was getting something from it that I wasn't, but there you go. At least I didn't dissapoint. I was surprised by how cold his mouth felt, by how little I got rubbing my tongue against another tongue. His breath wasn't bad, but it wasn't really good either. Wasn't really anything one which way or another really.

All things considered I was probably lucky the first time had been with someone so considerate. Especially considering we meet on Grindr. I know, I know. Grindr? Really? Like I said, I just wanted the wait to be over. But he was patient. He took breaks to ask how I was, I froze up a few times as the clothes slowly came off, he gave me the time, and eventually I would renew my resolve to just keep going.

I closed my eyes in the kiss because I figured it was the right thing to do, and he was doing it too, not because it was oh mah god best thing evar.

I rubbed his body while he rubbed mine and he cooed sweet compliments about my physique and how cute I was, and that was nice. Still struggled not to vomit from anxiety though.

His dick was huge. At least I felt it was compared to mine. About the same length but almost double in girth, I shit you not. And while that did immediately bring up a few old inadequacies for me, he didn't scoff when he saw me in my entirety. I was managing to maintain an erection, poultry and token as it was, but I was also learning that an erection was not the same as being aroused.

If nothing else, I at least wanted him to feel good. I wrapped my muzzle around him, pulled my lips over my teeth and did my best to hold back tears and resist gagging when he reached the back of my throat. Which he did... often and without the slightest hint of sublty. He seemed to enjoy that at least, and I got some semblance of pleasure when he returned the favour.

It wasn't his fault. I made myself go through with it. But it was without passion or agency. Mechanical. Just sawing in and out, like it was my extremely shit job. I managed to get him off though, and that I am satisfied with. I'm of the mentality that in that circumstance each partner really has only one job, and I fulfilled mine. He wasn't able to, though through no fault of his own, and I wasn't even able to jerk off afterwards.

So I guess I'm broken. I get it. Stupid broken wolf. I wonder if the ferret and I will still be friends, even if I never want anything like that to happen again. We shared a few interests. We both loved the Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. The day spent shopping beforehand wasn't really fun though. Maybe it'd be better if we hung out with my other friends?

It is funny though, how I could spend so much time with porn. So much time wishing that I was that buck, or I _was_in that stallion that when it came for the final curtain call the genuine article could be so... lackluster. Maybe sex, like your mortal compassion and love, was just meant for other people.

Aw, well. Presumably when my ability to have an erection returns, I'll just go back to pawing off.