FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

It started to rain as the two of us were driving home in his car... Slowly at first but it didn't take long before the rain started to pour down from the pitch black sky... All I did was staring outside the window as the radio was playing quietly in the background... Hearing the rain and the sound of the engine was very relaxing... It almost made me doze off if I wasn't distracted by the many thoughts that went through my head... And even though the two of us were talking and laughing earlier that night, it stayed unusually quiet between us as we drove home... I guess I had my reasons... And every time I looked at him, I couldn't help but to think that he had his reasons as well... He nervously smiled at me whenever he saw me looking and all I did was smiling back... Maybe that's the reason why I was so quiet... Just because I wanted to didn't mean I wasn't nervous about it... And I tried my best not to show that I was...

The longer I was thinking about it, the more I had to hear an answer from him... Once we got home, Blain parked his car in front of my house... As he turned the engine off and shifted back in first gear, I faced him as I placed my hand on his, resting on the gear-shifter... Blain looked at me the moment I did...

'Hey, uhm... I need to ask you something.... Before we actually... Well, you know...'

'What's up?'

'I, uhm... I-I never really asked how you feel about it...'

'About what?'

'About you and me, doing this...'

'... Ah.'

'I know I just dragged you along but... I just wanted to hear your thoughts on all this...'

'Well, you already know my thoughts.'

'I do but... I mean, with me... Someone you've known for well over fourteen years...'

'Hm...'

'I-It's just, uhm... I-I can imagine that this is entirely different for you, you know...? I mean... Having a one-night stand with a girl you hardly know is one thing but... '

'We've been through this before, Ceylan...'

'I-I know but... I-I mean, I never even asked you if you're willing to, I always assumed that you wanted it just as much as I did... But you never told me your thoughts on all of this... Your thoughts on me...'

Blain sighed quietly and averted his eyes from me... I could just hear him thinking "God, not this bullshit again..." And well, that's when I kept my mouth shut when he wasn't giving me an answer... All I did was staring down and nervously twiddled my fingers and tried to find a way make this awkward situation turn less awkward... But all of a sudden, I felt a hand his hand on my shoulder... When I faced him, I stared right back in those lovely blue of his... And I could just melt away...

'You weren't kidding when you said that you're lacking self-confidence when it comes to males...'

'Heh...'

'Even with me...?'

'Things went almost wrong for us last time because you thought you somehow manipulated me into doing this...'

'Hm...'

'And yes, it all started with the intention to cross the line for just one night but... I want more than that...'

'Okay, so... You want me as your mate... To occasionally be a little more than just friends...'

'Exactly... But I don't even know if the feelings are mutual... I don't even know if you actually WANT me as your mate...'

'... Honest answer?'

'Always...'

'I gotta admit, the idea was strange at first but...'

'... But?'

He didn't answered that... It stayed silent for a while again as Blain sighed quietly once more and just looked around... I had the feeling he wasn't telling me everything... And that's when I thought the feelings weren't mutual... I suppose he just couldn't go through with it... It takes a lot in order for us to be friends with benefits... To have sex with each other one night and pretend that nothing ever happened the next in order not to influence our friendship... We both knew it wasn't love... But it has to come from both ways... And if one doesn't feel it's worth the risk, it's best not to risk it at all... And I understand... I've seen the kind of girls he's after... And he's right... Why the hell would he waste his time with me when he can get so much better...? Girls who are so much more attractive than I am...? Nevertheless, he stayed quiet... His silence was enough for me to know... That's when I realized that going along with it was the worst that could possibly happen between us... And maybe it was for the best if we didn't go through with it ever again...

'I see... Uhm... Heh... It's okay... I understand, I mean... Maybe... Maybe we shouldn't be doing this then...'

I scraped my throat and stared outside the window again as my mind stayed blank... I just couldn't think... But, you know... It still hurt... Maybe I'm just seeing things differently than most people do... And maybe that's the reason why I always fuck up... It happened so many times before and now it happened with my best friend... All I wanted was to go home as quickly as possible... To go to bed and to forget it ever took place... It stayed quiet for a long time until Blain broke the silence... And what he told me was quite moving...

'You know... I used to have a huge crush on you back when we were teens... But you had Sarah at the time and I was too much of a chickenshit to tell you about my feelings. Because just like you, I didn't want things to change between us. I figured that if I told you about my feelings, you'd either turn me down or pass it off as a joke... Also, I knew you were more attracted to females anyway and I realized I simply didn't stand a chance with you... And that's why I never told you about it until recently... Because I was always afraid of your silence...'

'Heh...'

'But as time passed on, I came to accept that you and I would never be together. We're friends, and as long as we kept hanging out and have fun together, everything would be okay. It was the only thing that mattered to me. I met Rachel and you had Sarah but that didn't stop us from hanging out together. But there were a lot of things Rachel lacked in comparison with you...'

'Really...?'

'Over the years, a lot of things changed, including you... And even though you and I had fights sometimes, we always came back to each other...'

'I assume you're talking about the time I warned you about Rachel...'

'Dude, I was fucking pissed at you, thinking that you'd try to wedge us apart. But then common sense started to kick in and once I was no longer thinking with my dick, I started to think about the things you said. It made me wonder why everything was so different whenever I was hanging out with you. And then I found out why...'

'What made it so different for you...?'

'You still managed to stay true to yourself... You're still the same girl I once fell in love with all these years ago...'

'Heh... That is so sweet of you to say...'

'Doing this seemed strange, considering I once had feelings for you... And I always thought that what happened between us was just you struggling with your sexuality and that there was nothing else to it... I always thought that whatever happened between us was meaningless...'

'I never meant to make you feel that way about me... I just never knew how to explain, never found the right words... Everything was just so confusing for me back then...'

'I can imagine... But don't get me wrong though... I was just as confused about it as you were... I never really was able to see the thin line between being friends and lovers... I couldn't tell when you wanted me as a friend and when you wanted me close...'

'Heh...'

'Sooooo... I'm glad that you told me about it because it explains a lot about us... I just wished I could've been more to you back then... And now I can be... And I'll do everything I can to make you happy, one way or the other...'

'Even when you're not in love with me anymore...?'

'Yeah...'

'Doesn't that create false expectations...? I mean, it's important that we're on the same level if we're really gonna do this... And uhm... What I'm afraid of is that you somehow still have different feelings for me than I have for you...'

'Well, maybe I do... But do you remember when you said that you'd rather feel happy and content living an illusion than to be reminded of reality...?'

'Yeah...?'

'That's how I feel about it... I'd rather hold you close and say the things I've always wanted to for just one night than not to have hold you at all...'

'I see...'

'The two of us might not be in love with each other and even though we both agreed not to let this come between us, I honestly think that being your mate is the best thing that could happen to me... And I gotta admit that I've had my doubts about it at first... But just to hold you in my arms is enough for me...'

'Awww...'

'And it's just, you know... We don't nescessarily have to have sex... I don't mind, as long as I get to spend some time with you, one way or the other... I'd settle down with just cuddling all night and talking to you if you'd rather want that...'

'I suppose but... We both know that's not what we're really after...'

'Yeah but you know what I mean, right...? I just want you to know that we don't nescessarily have to have sex...'

'I don't mind either way...'

'Same here... And that's what makes it so great...'

'Heh... No strings attached...'

'Exactly...'

Blain and I were looking in each other's eyes and smiled and as I held his hand, he started to caress the back of mine... Blain had this certain look in his eyes... I guess it's a guy's thing... It actually made me feel attractive whenever he looked at me like that... It's exciting yet oh so nerve-wrecking... But he wasn't the only one who had that look... He's a great looking guy and he knows it... Blain certainly has no lack of confidence, especially when it came to sex... But that was one of the many things I liked so much about him... There's nothing wrong with being confident as long as you can live up to it... His confidence wasn't misplaced, I can tell you that... He's simply amazing in bed... Saying the right things, doing the right things... Two weeks ago, I had the time of my life with him when I suggested a one-night stand... Knowing that it was going to happen again was exciting, to say the least... Just thinking about it gave me butterflies in my stomach... He called it lust and I called it a desire to be intimate... It doesn't matter how you call it... All that mattered was that we had one hell of a night ahead of us... The only thing that kept us from going was the heavy rain... The two of us were reluctant to go outside... I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder as I closed my eyes...

I don't know how long the two of us sat there in his car that night, holding each other's hands... We wanted to wait until the rain stopped but it just didn't... All that mattered to me was that I was with him... I couldn't remember the last time I felt so happy... Couldn't remember the last time someone made me happy... Things started to make sense to me... Burdens fell down my shoulders... No more doubts, no more questions... No longer speculating... Because I know I won't be judged for who or what I am... Not judged for the things I wanted to do... Not by him... I always told myself that I wasn't in love with him... We always said that to each other in order not to complicate things between us... To keep things the way they were... Thinking back now makes me think that I was afraid to give in to it... Afraid that it might've affected the way we look at each other in any way if we both did... But after everything said and done, I still denied what I thought I really felt for him...

Even though the rain didn't seem to stop, we had to go inside eventually... It was such a beautiful warm day earlier on but the weather changed so quickly that evening... You could tell that autumn was coming... The heavy rain combined with squalls and loud thunderclaps in the distance was the kind of night no one wants to spend outside... Not to mention that it started to get cold... So at some point, the two of us got our things, stepped out of his car and ran as fast as we could to my house... By the time we reached the front-door, the two of us were soaked, despite it was only a short sprint... Once we got inside, I locked the door behind us and the two of us went straight to my room. I got us some towels to dry ourselves off but because I was only wearing a spaghetti top and a sarong, the bikini I was wearing underneath became wet as well... Blain didn't had that problem... He just took his tank top and jeans off and hanged it to dry... He was smart enough to use the changing cubicle at the beach and changed into his boxer-shorts before we got home... When he turned his head and faced me, I just stood there, nervously smiling at him... Blain approached me and placed his hands on my waist... I rested my head on his shoulder as my arms clenched around him, holding him close...

'Did you really mean what you said...?'

'Yeah...'

'Would you think any lesser of me if we did...? Or if we didn't...?'

'No... It's your call...'

'It's just... You know... You've been with girls who look so much better than I do and uhm...'

'You've always been insecure about your own body...'

'Heh...'

'I know what your problem is... Stop comparing yourself to other girls... It's all a matter of perspective... Some guys like fat girls but that doesn't mean you need to get fat in order for someone to be attracted to you...'

'I guess...'

'You've got an incredible body andeverything to flaunt with... But you don't...And that's what makes you so sexy...'

'Hehe...'

'Let me show you what I mean...'

Blain made me turn around to face the mirror... As he stood behind me, he placed his hands on my waist again, slowly taking my spaghetti top off... He tossed it on the floor after he removed it and then slowly started to untie my sarong... When it dropped to the floor, I saw myself standing there in my bikini in front of the mirror, looking a little flabbergasted... He gently took my hands and placed them on my waist as he whispered in my ear...

'This is something I've always liked about you... Look at that sexy hourglass figure of yours... That stomach packing a sixpack... You've worked your ass off to get this body and you should be proud for what you've accomplished...'

'Well, I, uh... I-I did gain weight after Nikki and I broke up... You know... Comfort food...'

'There's nothing wrong with a little meat on your bones... That sexy stomach is still there nevertheless...'

'Heh...'

He made me turn around again with my ass facing the mirror... My upper body was turned so that I could see my ass in the mirror... He placed his hands on both of my buttcheeks and firmly grabbed it...

'Another thing me and eighty percent of the male population love...'

'Asses...'

'Exactly... More specifically; tight, round apples cheeks, like these buns... The kind of butt-cheeks you'd like to sink your teeth in...'

'Haha! Well, uh... I kinda, sorta like it when I'm getting bit... Just not that hard...'

'Hm... Kinky, I didn't know you were into that...'

'Hehehe... I kinda liked it...'

'We'll discuss that later... Moving on...'

'Okay, okay...'

'Well, do I still to go on? Look at those legs. I mean, holy shit. You've got amazing legs.'

'Okay sooooooo... What are you trying to tell me anyway by pointing out my body...?'

'What I'm trying to say is... Can you honestly look at your own body and not be attracted to a girl who has the same figure as you have...?'

It's funny, I never looked at myself that way... I remember a time where I stood in front of the mirror and was disgusted by my own reflection... I guess that was something that always stayed with me... A lot of things have changed for me over the years... My personality, my appearance... Even my body changed... But one thing never did... My total lack of self-confidence... Especially about the way I see myself... I don't look at myself in the mirror thinking, "damn, I'm looking mighty fine today" simply because I don't see a reason why I should... Pretending you're confident about yourself is just another defense mechanism to hide your own insecurities... People can tell you all they want about how good looking you are... But as long as you're cynical about yourself and feel disgusted whenever you see yourself in the mirror, nothing will ever change... Nevertheless, every girl wants to hear that she's beautiful... That someone finds her attractive and that someone desires her above anything else... I was no different... But that didn't changed the way I was seeing myself, I only heard how others thought of me... It wasn't until Blain made me see myself in the mirror the way he saw me that I started to look at myself differently... Asking me if I would be attracted to a girl who has the same figure as I have made me think about myself... I kept staring at myself for another while as Blain just stood there... At some point, he got behind me and clenched his arms around my stomach, quietly whispering in my ear...

'Remember when you told me that you weren't gonna strut yourself in front of me or do anything crazy to show off because that's not who you are and that you don't want to pretend to be someone you're not the night we first stayed together...?'

'Yeah...?'

'Believe it or not, but that really is you you're seeing in the mirror... You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not... You're striving to become someone you think you need to be... Don't, because you already are who you need to be... It's something I've always seen in you... But you simply never saw yourself the way I see you...'

'Heh...'

'You just gotta open your eyes and see for yourself...'

I already felt my cheeks turning red when he said all those things about me... Averting my eyes from his by looking down as a nervous smile appeared on my face... It just goes to show he knows me better than anyone else... And how easy it is for him to see through me... We never had secrets for each other, knowing that we wouldn't judge one another for our actions... Going through with all this was no different... We had to be honest to each other if we wanted to make it work... But after hearing what he had to say...? It made me feel special, more than ever... And I already felt the butterflies going through my stomach when he gently nudged my chin up and made me look in his eyes... And that's when I moved my head closer and gently pressed my lips against his... We've kissed before but somehow, it felt different to me... We both agreed that the things we'd do would stay meaningless in order for it to work between us... But it didn't felt like that to me... It wasn't until many years later when I realized that the things that happened between us wasn't meaningless to me, when it was already too late... And perhaps I really was in love with him but just too afraid to give in... Afraid that things would never be the same again... But I didn't realized it that night... That night, everything was perfect... Everything like it was meant to be... That night, I wasn't realizing that I too, wished I could've been more to him...

I rested my head on his shoulder as we stood there for a while, holding each other close... When I started to feel a little cold, I was shivering a little, seeing as I was still wearing my wet bikini...

'I, uhm... I need to take these off... I don't wanna get sick...'

'Sure thing...'

Blain flopped down on my bed and took a magazine where he flipped the pages as I went to my wardrobe and got myself a bra and a pair of matching panties. I still felt a little nervous knowing what was about to happen and to undress myself in front of him... Then again, I could've used my common sense and get dressed in the bathroom or something but that night, my common sense was anything but common... So as I faced the mirror, I unclipped my bikini top and dropped it to the floor and just as I did, I saw him staring at me in the reflection of the mirror... When he noticed me looking at him in the mirror, he quickly averted his eyes and pretended to read again... I couldn't help but to smile when he did...

'I never said you couldn't look...'

'Hehehe...'

'I mean, I wouldn't mind if you did, it's just, you know... It makes me feel kind of sexy... Hihi...'

'Seeing you undress is like getting the same thing each year for a Christmas present...'

'Why is that?'

'I already know what it is but still get excited as hell when it gets unwrapped...'

'Haha! You make a habit of pointing things out to people by speaking in riddles...'

'It means I already know what you look like underneath but I still get excited when you undress in front of me.'

'Awwwww...'

'Haha! You just wanted to hear me say that, didn't you?'

'Hm...'

'... Are you really that insecure about yourself?'

I didn't answered that just yet... Instead, I quickly put my bra on and bent over to take off my bikini bottom and saw that he was watching me again...Part of me couldn't help but to feel a little cheeky and sexy and another part of me felt a little embarrassed and shy when when I saw him watching... It's an everlasting cluster-fuck of emotions and contradicting feelings... At least, in my case, don't know how other girls feel about that... Anyway, once I got my bra and panties on, I went towards him and sat on the edge of my bed...

_'_Let me explain you something about females...'

_'_Go on...'

'Females tend to be more emotional about different aspects in life and our perception of the world... Guys on the other hand are usually more rational when it comes to that... Which is why we need males to bring balance in our crazy world of emotions... It's not any different with the way we percept ourselves...'

'Hm-mm...'

'It leads to insecurities, lack of self-confidence and a false sense of judgement for a girl the way she sees herself... And it will only grow worse when no one will confirm or deny it...'

'Okay...'

'Some girls are fishing for compliments to boosts their ego... And some girls just want reassurance...'

'Like you do...?'

'Yes... Every girl wants to hear that she's attractive and beautiful, even when they're not... To either boosts their egos or to simply get a confirmation which makes them think "Hey, someone really DOES find me sexy and attractive"... It gives a little of her self-confidence back...'

'I see...'

'I'm just trying to get a fraction of my self-confidence back...'

'Hmm...'

'And maybe boost my ego just a little while I'm at it... You make both possible... It's one of the reasons why I want to do this... Why I want you as my "mate"... I'm not fishing for compliments nor would I expect them from you... But it means the world to me when you say it... It means more to me than you'll ever know... I just hope that everything you said to me was sincere and in all fairness... Even when it's just for one night occasionally...'

Blain kept staring at me as I kept looking down... When I felt his hand on mine, I looked at him as a weak smile appeared on my face... When he smiled back at me, I crawled on top of him and rested my head on his chest... He gently started to caress my hair again as I closed my eyes...

'You know, I've known you for well over fourteen years now and yet I still keep learning new things about you...'

'Hehe...'

'I thought I had you figured out years ago...'

'It's a good thing you kept sticking around...'

'Yeah... Did you honestly ever thought we'd come such a long way...?'

'No... I was scared I was gonna lose you back when you were still together with Rachel... I did everything I could to keep you with me...'

'Act of jealousy...?'

'It might've been... It's a good thing you saw she was taking advantage of you... You'd probably wouldn't want to see me anymore if you didn't...'

'For causing doubts and wedging us apart...?'

'Good looks aren't everything...'

'Yeah... But she was definitely smokin' hot...'

'I'm not denying that...'

'Hehehe... Still, that was a long time ago...'

'Hm-mm...'

'... We've been through some crazy shit together, haven't we?'

'Haha! Yeeeeeeeeah... Yeah, we did...'

'It wasn't always fun and games but... I'm glad you've always been there to either laugh or to cry with me...'

'Same here...'

'Soooo... To put it in perspective in a way you'd understand... You are my Samwise to my Frodo... I'd be nowhere without you...'

'Haha! Awww... "My preciousssssssshhhh...."

'Hehehe...'

'We really need to do a Lord of the Rings marathon again... Watch all movies in one night...'

'Yeah, that'd be great.'

'The part where Gandalf fought the Balrog at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm was fucking epic... "You shall not pass!"

'Definitely one of the best scenes.'

'Still, that was pretty noble of him to sacrifice his life though... Don't think I'd do the same. I'd probably be like "fuck this shit" and skip off.'

'Gandalf didn't sacrificed his life...'

'Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure he died. Gandalf sacrificed himself in order for the others to escape. The quest had to go on, whether with or without him.'

'So how come he still showed up in Fangorn Forest as Gandalf the White then?'

'He defeated the Balrog and died afterwards but was resurrected as Gandalf the White.'

'I think he knew he could defeat the Balrog but with the company of others, he had to share all of his XP. So he told them to fuck off, defeated the Balrog, levelled up like a boss and returned. Do you have any idea how much XP you'd gain from defeating a Balrog??'

'Uh...'

'Ten thousand XP at least! How else would you explain he went from Gandalf the Grey to Gandalf the White, huh?'

'... That... Actually makes kind of sense.'

'Exactly, he levelled up like a motherfucker!'

'... And you're telling me to stop smoking blunts because it brings out the worst in me.'

'Haha! Yeeeeeeeeeah...'

'You know, Blain?'

'What?'

'You are my Sméagol to my Gollum.'

'Haha! We all know what happened to that guy!'

'Bad example. My Sméagol to my Ring of Power.'

'Hm... You're not that obsessed with me, are you?'

'My Sauron to my Ring of Power...'

'... Still not convinced.'

'... My Legolas to my Gimli?'

'Better...'

'My Aragorn to my Arwen...?'

'Awwwwww...'

'Hihi...'

He closed his eyes for a moment and smiled while I just kept caressing his chest as it stayed silent for a while... At some point, I heard him chuckle quietly and when I faced him, he looked straight down on me...

'What's so funny...?'

'You're the first girl who managed to translate how she feels and why she feels like that in a way I understand.'

'Hehehe...'

'Usually, it's more like "Ugh, you don't understand!" or "Ugh, you're so insensitive!" Then I'm the bad guy, wondering what the hell I did wrong.'

'Haha! Hm...'

'I wish all girls were like you.'

'I wish all girls would be more like you. Then there would be more girls having a penis.'

'Hehehe... Your explanation shed a whole new light on things.'

'Just remember, when a girl asks you if that thong makes her ass look fat, she's either looking for reassurance or fishing for a compliment...'

'I'd tell her the truth.'

'And what might that be, hm...?'

'I'd tell her that it's her ass that makes her ass look fat.'

'Haha! Oh my god! You're terrible!'

'What, I wasn't referring to your ass!'

'You were, indirectly! I gave you a hint by saying "and what might that be, hmmmmm...?" and you just told me I have a fat ass!'

'Riiiiiiiiiiight...'

'You've still got so much to learn about females!'

'Haha, wow, that just completely shattered your self-esteem...'

'Well no because you already told me I have a fine tush...'

'Hehehe...'

'But now you have me doubting again...'

'Right, right, reassurance, okay... Oh, Ceylan, you are so sexy and so hot and incredible and awesome and beautiful.'

'Haha, now you're just pushing it with that sarcastic tone!'

'I am not worthy of your presence yet it is a great honor that has been granted to me in which I will be fully dedicated to the task that lies ahead of me.'

'Haha! Yeeeeeeah, I'm sure you'll be fully dedicated...'

'Oh beautiful and sexy Ceylan, you are a distant moon and I'm just a moth, drawn closer to it, flapping my wings as fast I can, but alas, I cannot-'

'You know, actions speak louder than words...'

I moved my head closer to him and gently pressed my lips against his again... Such a wonderful feeling... It's funny how someone can make you feel on top of the world like that... To look in someones eyes and see what has been said are sincere... I can't remember the last time I've seen that... It felt like I was experiencing it for the first time in my life... And hopefully, not for the last time... Something just told me that we'd have one hell of a night together...