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I felt my hands tremble as the muscles screamed in lactic agony. I clenched my jaws as I willed myself to push the weight that was pressing dangerously against me. My grip has gone slightly sweaty by now and time was running short. I didn't want to growl out like the others, like it was such a big deal. I tapped on my anger and found the last adrenaline rush to lift the bar away from me. With a fluid motion, I did my last rep and set the weights back to the safety hooks, groaning in relief. "Great job there," I heard the voice behind me say. I could only grunt out thanks as I let myself catch my breath. Today was just like any other workout session to me, nothing special. I sat up as my spotter walked over. He held out a hand to help me, but I simply ignored it. I grabbed my sweat soaked towel and walked off towards the shower.

You may think I'm rude, but that's just how I run now. Anyway it wouldn't offend the white bear; he's probably used to it by now. He lumbered behind me until we stopped at the locker room. We weren't alone, but there wasn't much to care about. I stripped my shoes and dumped my socks into the locker. It would be odd to many, but I had people stealing my socks for their perverse pleasure. I did the same for my gym towel and shirt. For a wolf, I was extremely built. I may not be the tallest, but I was built enough to wrestle a bear, like my spotter who was tossing his gym stuff on the bench. I could sense some people watching me and didn't want to pay any attention to those fags. I vaguely heard footsteps approaching me and to my annoyance, one of them really came over to me.

It was a grizzly who was slightly shorter than me. While his muscles were not very defined, his built still showed promise. He shamelessly reached out to touch me, but I gripped his wrist tight before it could make contact. "Yes?" I asked, only tilting my head slightly. The grizzly bear was shocked and looked down. "Sorry," he mumbled, "I just thought if I could... you know, talk to you and know more about each other?"

I turned back to my locker and released my grip. "Not interested," I said simply as I fetched my showering materials, "Find someone else." I know the ursine beside me was very disappointed, but I willed myself not to look at him. He was just one of the many others who were rejected. I kept my attention away from him and walked off to the showers.

I sighed as the cool water ran down my sweaty body. I watched as my grey and white fur swayed along with the direction of the water. I had grey fur all over, but white fur stretching from underneath my fur down my torso to the tip of my tail. I poured soap as I washed myself, running my thick fingers over my toned body, hard and defined from consistent training. It was a pain to get this far. Shit, every time I shower I let my mind think too far. I scrubbed the soap harder into my fur and quickened my shower pace, ignoring the splashes that would soak my gym shorts hung behind me. It's all dirty anyway.

I closed my eyes as I quickly finished up and let the fur dryer do its thing. A good shower after a workout was always great. I walked back to the locker room to find the same grizzly still sitting on the bench, looking down. I took no further notice and began packing up. I dug and emptied the contents into my gym bag, making sure not to leave anything behind. After everything was set, I heaved the bag over my shoulders with the keys in my paw. That was when I saw Thaddeus, my spotter, sitting beside the grizzly, saying something that I couldn't hear.

I coughed to gain his attention. As much as I wanted to just leave him there with the grizzly and go ahead first, I know Ted wouldn't like it if I didn't drink with him. I don't want to lose another spotter, so I had to behave sometimes. The white Kermode pat the grizzly on the back and grabbed his own bag, waving goodbye as he joined me. I was a little curious, but I knew it was none of my business.

-

I was sipping on the protein shake, idly swiping my phone to play some app. "Asher," Ted suddenly called out. I stopped swiping and looked at the white bear, lips still drinking from the straw. The ursine frowned slightly, but continued, seeing that he caught my attention. "You don't have to be so harsh in rejecting people, you know," he said, "I know it's not my place to tell you this, but... just saying." I nodded in response, not really giving a shit to it. To be honest, it doesn't matter. People get rejected all the time anyway. I took the straw and stirred the contents. Apparently my answer was not satisfactory; the look on Ted's face was obvious. I wonder why he would care so much; he was just a spotter to me. We met in the gym, we both needed a spotter and that was all.

"It's about the grizzly isn't it?" I asked, slightly displeased. Ted sighed, "Yeah, but he's not the only one. You kind of scared that cub earlier. Damien was his name." I took another gulp of the drink before replying, "So what? Why are you talking for him?"

Ted pinched the valley of his nose, shaking his head slightly. "You need to drop that attitude man," Ted sighed, "Do you have to be like that to everyone? I mean, yeah, we're just gym friends, but... I also care for you as a friend. Watching you like that isn't really nice."

"You don't understand, polar-" I said halfway before Ted cut in, "It's Kermode, not polar. I eat salmon!" I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, but couldn't stop my lip from curling up. Ted looked really annoyed for a moment before the frown on his muzzle lifted. "So you can smile," he noted.

"I'm sorry," I said wholeheartedly, "After a while it becomes a habit. Yeah, I'm like a big bad wolf to others, but I don't really care about anything. Everyone gets rejected one day, I'm sure you know that. Why should I go along with him when I have no interest?"

"And so you are not gay, big deal," Ted said, "There's no need to treat them like you want to kill them. There are better ways to deal with them and I know it. I'm also surprised that a tubby man like me has attention from other men. But just because it's attention from the wrong gender doesn't mean you can be a dick to them."

"It's not like that," I sighed, wondering if I should tell anything about myself to Ted. It been a few numbing years since I talked about myself and I hate doing it. "Then?" the persistent bear asked, "Your girlfriend spying on you? Odd... I mean, she should be concerned about other women than gay men seducing you. Oh wait, boyfriend?"

I drank my drink quietly as he continued his wild guesses. I looked at the bottle in disappointment to find it still half full. I didn't expect things to turn out this way. I'm surprised but also angry at the invading Kermode bear. "No," I snapped, stopping the bear from talking, "None of the above. Never attached and never will."

My answer only perked the bear's curiosity. I scratched the side of my muzzle as I wonder how I let myself into this situation. "For a straight bear, you've shown way too much interest in another man's love life," I said. Ted tilted his head sideways, "Straight? Who told you that?"

I felt my walls of defence rising up rapidly the moment he said that. I tried my best to control the rage within me, but I know I was letting it show through my clenched fist. "Please don't tell me you're just like one of them," I said, supressing the growl in my throat.

Thaddeus quickly raised both his paws, "Wow, calm down. I'm not trying to get in your pants, Asher. If you're homophobic then I'll leave okay?" I rolled my eyes and looked away. "I'm not homophobic," I said somewhat angrily, "But if you're trying to get close to me for your personal gain you can drop the idea right now."

The white bear nibbled on his straw, unsure if he should even bother with me. I'm probably looking like a jerk with a keg of explosive anger. "I'm just... trying to be friendly," Ted said softly, "You're my spotter but I hardly know a thing about you. Yeah, you're one hunky wolf, but that doesn't mean everyone wants a piece of you. Damien almost cried earlier after you left. He said that he heard rumours about you, but didn't want to believe them. After what you did to him... it pretty much confirmed what people said about you, something along the lines of 'arrogant sexy prick with a small wiener'. I know that you don't care what others say about you but... I know you're better than that."

"You don't know anything about me and I am not obliged to tell you anything," I said, "No offence, but that is the truth. Believe what you want, Thaddeus. I'm just here to work out and be your spotter that is all. Your sexuality means nothing to me so long as I get to have a good work out."

I drank faster, hoping to finish it and get out of here as soon as possible. "I know what people say about you," Ted said, expression changed to give a serious look, "But I don't believe them. I'm not here to seduce you so be rest assured. I also know that you often change spotters. I want to defy that trend. I want you to know that I didn't spot for you because of your looks. I'm new to this gym and I happened to stumble upon you that day."

"Suit yourself," I said lazily, "I'm not forcing you to stay or accusing you of anything. People say things for a reason. Maybe you should take their words into consideration." Ted looked slightly offended and growled, "Well, if I kept listening to people I wouldn't have gotten the divorce."

I felt myself sucking up air at that time, indicating that I finished my protein supplement. I looked down at his paw and true to his words; there was a mark on the ring finger of his left paw, as though the fur had been compressed by a ring for quite a while before it was removed. Ted caught me looking and shifted his right paw to cover over.

"So long as you don't fall for me now then I think everything will be fine," I said and shook the cup, "Well, looks like I'm done here." Ted said nothing as I grabbed my bag. For the first time since things got bad in my life, I felt bad for someone else. It seemed that Ted had been though quite a fair bit himself. I shook my head to clear the thoughts. Ted has his own problems and I had mine. There was no need to share part of our lives that no one bothers to hear. The world does not care and people are to selfish to even listen.

I hate that over the years I had laid a path of destruction behind me. But I had no choice because that's how the world works. The look on Ted's face only added on to the pile of guilt that I've accumulated over the years. But I'm just gonna shrug it off like everyone else does.

Something about Ted just made me hesitate. Perhaps it was my usual weakness... As I left him, I bid him farewell and made a mistake. I simply said, "You know, I'm not like this all the time."

Maybe I should have just kept my muzzle shut like I did for the past few years.

-

I walked down the familiar streets, heading towards the restaurant for my appointment. I took a whiff of the nostalgic air, reminding me of the old times, placing a rare contented smile on my muzzle. I felt my smile fade away when I saw Zed coming over. The large panda came over to me and we headed in.

Like most of the giant pandas, Zed had a black and white coat. Zed and I had a long history down the road, and he was partially the reason why I became like this.

We met many years ago, when I was barely an adult. I was young, inexperienced and skinny. Yeah, I was a twig in the past. Since I was almost always underweight, many could snap me into two easily. I didn't complain about my size, it was pretty fine for a wolf to be that size. But here's the catch: I like bears. Large _male_ursine.

That simply meant that half the time I would ogle at other bears, more so on the gay ones. But alas, the world had its own ways and I soon realised that on a general scale, people are attracted to the same size. Regardless of species, big sized people simply preferred to be with each other and same goes for the small ones. Apparently I was the rebel that defied the rule. With a skinny frame and nerdy habits, no one ever looked in my direction, much less for bears. But I was young at the age of eighteen and I had hope. I believed that there had to be other rebels like me. I believed that they may look at me beneath my looks and fur. I believed in love, and I was a fool for doing so.

When I first met Zed, I really liked him. He was good looking, funny and confident. Sometimes a little self-conscious about his looks but that was cute too. I didn't dare to approach him as I followed the same stereotype that every man you first meet without knowing him is straight. You couldn't really blame me. I had a small frame and I liked larger men. If I approached a large homophobe I would really be broken into two, so there was always an uncertain fear there. But he had been pretty friendly, so in the end we managed to talk to each other, with me keeping my feelings to myself.

A few years down the road and I was surprised by his words. Zed told me that he also desired men. The thing was that he also liked other large men, similar to my own preferences... I looked at myself and I knew from the start that I had zero chance... or at least not with my figure. Was there a chance if he looked past my figure? I was confused and unsure, so I did the straightforward method and simply asked him.

Do you think I would ever have a chance with you?

I don't know what I was thinking, but I just had to know. His reply was probably something that I've already expected from far away and it kind of hurt when I heard it. He said that it was impossible. Not with me as a skinny whelp.

I don't blame him. I knew that men were visual creatures and no one would like a skinny hairy whelp. As the years passed, nothing changed. No one was patient enough to consider me as a mate by actually knowing me. If I asked anyone, they would just say that that was simply how the world works. I was lonely, forgotten and unwanted to the world that I couldn't change. As time passed, the hope that I had diminished, leaving no traces behind.

I fucking hate this world.

So one day I couldn't take it anymore. I was so angry at how the world works and I changed my method of defying the world by playing with its rules. I swore to change myself, to be the one that I couldn't have. If I cannot have a bear, I will be that bear. A small part of me knew that if I continued the path of change, I would lose all my chances of true happiness. But I still did it anyway.

Results shown and I've bulked up over the years to look just as sexy, if not more than the people that I looked up to in the past. I punished every single one who approached me only after I decided to bulk up, because I knew that if it was not my body they would have never talked to me in my life. I took sadistic pleasure in toying with them, and directed my anger at the world around me. It was very satisfying, but at the same time sad. Over time the feeling gets numb.

And that was how I turned out to be like now.

-

The panda drank another glass of wine, drowning the frustrations of his life. As a panda, he had a natural bulk which took him little effort to build. I kept myself from drinking as I followed a much stricter diet than the complaining panda in front of me. Zed was still a friend to me; we talked and went out once in a while. I had nothing against him personally, so I treated him comparatively better than others.

"... you know, he said I was a spoilt cub, getting all the attention whenever I wanted!" Zed spoke rather groggily. At that point of time he was already a little tipsy. Zed had an odd habit of saying that he was a lonely bear with no one caring about him. The last time I checked, he just simply posted a picture of himself online and it garnered tens and hundreds of likes and comments. If he wasn't delusional, he was probably taking things for granted.

I could only watch him down another few glasses of wine, listening to him whine. Eventually I had to rip the glass wine of his paws to stop him from drinking. Zed hiccupped occasionally and fought back against me. "Let's go back," I said, fumbling to keep the glass off his paws, "You're a little drunk."

I settled the bill with some moments of embarrassment from Zed, and half dragged him out of the place. I pulled his arm over my shoulders and helped him back to his house. If it had been years back when I was skinny I think I might have died carrying him back. At least it was much manageable now.

How I managed to drive him back and carry Zed to his apartment was a total wonder to me, because his resisting paws were surprisingly evasive when I wanted to lift him off the seat. I also had to grope around and search for his keys while he threatened to tumble the both of us on the floor.

Somehow I managed to lock his door and land him on his bed while he just muttered things to the air. I hated how the appointment turned out to be a night on his couch, but I don't think I could really leave him to be. I grumbled as I took off his shoes and socks, tossing them away from the bed. I sat on his bed and loosened his belt before going upwards to his tie. The tableside lamp gave a dim orange light, making it harder to see.

I was about to leave his bed before I found him struggling to sit up. I frowned, asking him to just lay down, but he wouldn't. His breath stank of alcohol and he continued mumbling. I was very tempted to wrestle him to stay down but Zed suddenly stopped. I saw him looking directly in my eyes. "Asher," he called out softly, "You are... beautiful."

I was shocked at his words but his lips moved forward to meet mine. What scared me even more was that I returned the kiss wholeheartedly. For that moment of exchange I felt so warm and happy. One of his paws was snaking under my shirt, caressing my large body while we kissed. I could feel his enthusiasm, his need.

Emotions were running high and my mind caught up with the situation. I stopped the kiss as tears fell from the corner of my eyes. Zed felt me stop and bit my lip softly as though to ask me to continue. I was wide eyed and crying. If it years ago I would have never hesitated and be the happiest man in the world, but now... It was no longer possible. I had mixed feelings inside me, each with a vast amount of emotions.

My lips trembled as I gripped on his wrist of the paw under my shirt. He whined as I pulled his paw out and pushed him away. "A-Asher I can explain," Zed begged.

"Stop," I growled, "You're drunk."

The panda reached out to me as I stood up. "Please!" he cried, "I'm not drunk. Don't go." I was struggling to contain my anger that I was about to unleash on him. I held him down on the bed with one paw and claws extended. "Just stay down!" I shouted, "I might not be able to last time, but now I fucking can."

I turned to leave but the unrelenting bear pounced and grabbed me by the waist. "I'm sorry!" Zed cried out in desperation. By that time my bottled rage had reached its limit. I growled out in anger and threw his arms off in ease. I grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the bed frame, maintaining my death grip.

"Have you forgotten what you've told me years ago?!" I roared in his terrified face, "How could you_do this to me?! You would have _never_touched me if I had not bulked up. You had your chance years ago and you lost it. Never _ever say that you have any feelings of me because you don't have the right to! You're just like the others who only care about the _fucking_looks."

I was already crying throughout the incident, I couldn't help it. All the years of pain and effort for this fucking world... I never wanted to be like this. I released Zed and left the apartment, letting the panda crumpled on his own bed.

I reached my car and locked myself inside. I slammed my paws against the steering wheel repeatedly as I bawled out loud, crying like a young whelp all over again. Tears that build up over the years just poured out uncontrollably. I never wanted to be this fucking angry grumpy wolf with a body of a sex god. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw that deep down I just wanted to be myself, skinny and all, playing the latest computer games, buying the latest console, snuggling with the man of my life. I cried as I know that such a simple outcome was never possible because of this world. I forced myself to change to fit into this world. I just wanted to be noticed, be loved for who I am.

I sobbed as I ran through my memories, how I turned out to be like that. How I've rejected and toyed with people as a form of revenge. Do you think I really disliked Damien? That I have zero interest in Thaddeus? I would have loved to know more about them but I'm not who I was a few years ago. I had to change for the world.

It's all about this fucking ugly world.

I know it was probably unwise to drive with your mind packed with emotions, but as always for the last few years, fuck it.