Chapter 27 Fear
#28 of Fox Hunt
Fear
Chapter 27
My Dearest Charles,
_ _
Word should have reached you by now. It is no mere rumor. I have been banished from Kingdom Varimore for trifling with the heart of the king. We both know that for years it was spoken in hushed whispers, in courts spanning from kingdom to kingdom that King Bastian of Varimore was madly in love with the Duchess Evelyn Lorraine Kingsley and that if only she could escape her overbearing father, the two could be together at last. It was a rumor that thrived for years, despite Father's protests. I know you thought all of it was fairly one-sided, that the king was little more than yet another drooling dog with a bone.
_ _
The truth is, I led him on. We wrote for years - though Father never knew and Mother was content to allow it. I kept the king's heart in my pocket, a card I could pull later in the ever shifting game of politics we like to refer to as "court life." The queen used Lily - who you know as "the vixen" - to reveal my true face before all the court. How the sly witch ever guessed is beyond me. I was calm, courteous, and never showed a crack in my mask, but somehow she knew. She knew I had come for Lily and that I wanted her desperately.
_ _
I half-expected the king to fall upon me in swift vengeance. But only half. We both know Bastian is so gentle a soul he could not bring himself to truly punish me as according to law. By all rights, I should be rotting in prison for high treason. What I did in leading him on could have easily been construed as plotting against the queen and manipulating my way onto her throne.
_ _
Thankfully, Bastian is ever a reasonable male, if not a bit . . . passionate. Charlie . . . the last time I saw the king, he made love to me in secret. In the coolest, quietest corner of his garden, he took me. He forced his seed. I fear what could come of it. I fear it desperately.
_ _
But my sweet Lily is ever a comfort. We travel together through the many cities of his majesty's vast realm, guarded as always by his escort. They are to accompany us to the border of the kingdom, and where we go from there, I haven't the vaguest clue. Lily speaks of other fox tribes, and though we both know I would not be welcome among them, she speaks of them anyway - with a sullen light in her eyes that breaks my heart.
_ _
She has lost everything because of my selfishness, Charlie. I saw something beautiful and decided it should be mine. I drugged her, and gathered her to my breasts, and stole her away from everything she knew. I plucked the prettiest flower from someone else's garden. Sometimes I look at her and think I am no better than our Turnip in that respect, and no less selfish. But god help me, I wanted her. I wanted her like I have never wanted anything. And I knew that if I didn't steal her away, I would go on wanting.
_ _
I stabbed her lover, Charlie. I didn't stab to kill, but I knew I had to get her out of the way in order to claim what I felt was mine. And Lily is mine now. Isn't it terrible how the heart compels us? I saw her standing there - vibrant and wild, terrible and beautiful -- and I made up my mind in a heartbeat. I looked at her lover - and I stabbed her.
_ _
What would Lily think of me if she knew I did it on purpose? But I was never so relieved to learn that this . . . Nala of hers - for that's how she pronounces the name - was alive. Nalala the Lucky, she calls her. Her name actually means "luck." I suppose Nala and I were both lucky. It might have destroyed me had I actually killed her.
_ _
We are in Loxney now. You remember where it is? Father brought us here during the summer for holiday. We were very small the first time. I remember sitting in my pram for the most part, as Father read to me in his soft, lilting voice. Those were the days, Charlie, weren't they? Those slow and beautiful days of certainty. Of content.
_ _
The longer we linger here, the more I miss him. That second time we came to Loxney, Father taught us to fly kites. Remember that? He put you on his shoulders and let everyone see it. He wasn't ashamed of you. And we both realized that summer that he did indeed love you. And how you laughed and laughed when he tickled you.
_ _
Loxney hasn't changed a jot. Except now the little village has got two taverns instead of just the one. Sheep still roam the countryside. Lily is fascinated by them. One day I took her to see a herd, if only to cure her fascination. A great, fluffy Sheepdog was watching over the flock. Oh, Charlie, she was lovely. Her fur was pure white and her long mane nothing short of magnificent. She was incredibly tall and yet so gentle and her brown eyes so kind. I could tell the moment I heard her harsh accent that she hadn't any formal education, and yet she moved and spoke with such dignity, elegance, and grace. Lily and I both found ourselves following the sway of her tail with our eyes, the ride of her enormous breasts. Yes, we did exactly what you are no doubt thinking. And in the morning, she cooked us lamb.
_ _
My time here in Loxney has been nothing short of splendid. Sometimes I look out the window and wish that I could stay here forever, hidden away from the world and happily buried in my love for Lily. And oh, Charlie, I do believe I love her. I have never felt this way before. And every time I see her, it consumes me. Consumes until I can not breathe.
_ _
I know you would understand. You always understand. It must be something like what you feel for Richie. How is Richie? He must be in a perpetual state of glee that he can now have you all to himself. Now that I have been properly banished, he could easily spend the rest of his days playing the distraught divorcee before the eyes of the court while secretly bending you over tea tables. Smack him a good one for me, will you?
_ _
I miss you, big brother. I wish I could have given you a proper goodbye. I tried to. Remember at the wedding when we danced and I tried to laugh but you knew I was upset . . . because you always know . . . and you took me off to hug me? And I hugged you for so long, you laughed and asked what was the matter. But I refused to let go. So you just kissed my head and held me. It was the best thing you could have done. That kiss gave me the courage to do what had to be done.
_ _
After all, it wasn't easy leaving Howlester, braving back alleys and dark roads to reach the castle in Wychowl. I encountered so many dangers, Charlie. I was forced to do things I could never repeat for fear that writing it down just might make it real. But I would do it again in heartbeat for Lily. Sometimes it frightens me, the things I would do for her.
_ _
Loxney is the last village near the border. Sometime next week, Lily and I will be left on the edge of wilderness, on our own, and we will not be able to return to Kingdom Varimore on pain of death. I can never come home. That still has not sunken in. The very thought stings, as if a piece of me has been cut off and dashed to the ground, shattered like brittle glass. It . . . must be how Bastian felt. When I broke his heart. He certainly knew how to give that pain back. And in the most excruciating way.
_ _
I do believe I could face anything the wilderness can throw at me. But never seeing you again, Charlie? Sometimes I cry at night. Lily wakes and she holds me, and the warmth of her breasts, her soothing kisses take me away from the pain. But only for a moment.
_ _
Being away from you is like a constant ache. Charlie . . . we've never been apart before. But I supposed I had to get out from behind your apron sooner or later, hadn't I?
_ _
I love you, big brother. Do take care. Tell Nana I love her. Tell Hadly I love her more and that she was the sister I always dreamt of when a child. Kiss Richie twice for me . . . and Charlie? Take care of him. I know you think Richie is strong and that he can do anything, but he is actually more fragile than you realize. And he needs your love the way he needs air.
_ _
I shall stay here as long as I can to await your reply.
_ _
Love always,
_ _
Evie
_ _
P.S. Did Aunty Giselle have a shit fit yet? I bet it was lovely.
_ _
Charles finished the letter with a sigh. If only Evelyn could see Dick now. He was anything but "gleeful." He looked across the room at the once-marquis, who was sitting in a chair in the window, red mane mussed, coat ruffled and half-open, and lines under his eyes. His face was dejected and despondent as he stared unseeing out at the grounds, and in one paw was a slender glass decanter of brown liquor. He had been drinking directly from it all day, and no one had been able to take it from him.
Haskell stood near the desk at which Charles sat, looking nervous and sad. Sarah, meanwhile, stood behind Dick's chair, and she looked on the verge of tears. Her eyes were red from crying and lines were around them. Her golden mane was tousled, her clothes sweaty from having boiled sheets the day through.
The entire estate had been in a bustle as Giselle lay dying in her bed. Servants ran to and fro, physicians came and went. When Fassil announced that there was nothing he could do to save Giselle - that her death was, in fact, completely natural - Dick refused to believe it and brought in physicians from across multiple kingdoms. When King Bastian heard the grim news, he sent his own court physician. But to no avail. Giselle's condition only grew worse. At the moment, the estate knew a momentary lull as she slept peacefully, a physician at her side, sad maids and grim nurses at the ready should she wake.
"Evelyn sends her love," Charles said into the silence. He wasn't surprised when Dick didn't answer. Dick's face didn't change either, and he made no indication that he had heard.
"I could carry him to bed, Master Charles," Haskell whispered, looking worried and sad.
Charles glanced at big Haskell and knew there was no doubt that he could. They had forced Dick to bed many times in the past, and he never fought, just let Haskell carry him away. It sometimes seemed as if Dick was dying right along with his mother. Many servants were terrified that he had caught something from the duchess, and poor Sarah cried over the fact each day. But Charles knew better. Dick had caught nothing but grief and a mild infection of despair.
"Master Dick?" Sarah moaned. When Dick didn't move or respond, her lip trembled. She placed a small paw on his shoulder. "Why won't you talk to us?" she begged. "I know you're hurting, but I can help you!"
Charles frowned sadly when Sarah suddenly burst into tears. She had been more emotional than usual of late, and he found it utterly baffling: just the other day, she sobbed herself hoarse because she broke a glass. Sobbing pitifully, she threw her arms around Dick's neck and cried into his shoulder. Her sobs were so loud and wretched, Haskell's ears flattened sympathetically.
As Sarah wept against him, Dick blinked and seemed to awake from his perpetual dream. He swallowed guiltily and squeezed her slender arm in his fingers. It was the first time he had moved in an hour. Everyone went still, and Sarah was so startled, she lifted her face and stared at his paw. His finger caught one of her tears and he frowned. "Don't cry . . ." he whispered.
"Oh, M-Master . . ." Sarah moaned hopefully. "Have you come back to us?"
Dick stared at the decanter in his lap and didn't answer.
Charles cleared his throat. "Sarah? They should be starting supper. Why don't you . . ."
Sarah reluctantly straightened up. "Yes, Master Charles . . . right away," she whispered, but as she turned from the room, she couldn't stop glancing back at Dick. Eyes still bright with sympathy, Haskell put his arm around her and guided her out.
Alone in the room with Dick, Charles swallowed and tapped his finger on the desk. "Evelyn sends her love," he repeated, his long lashes angling down as he looked at the letter. "She's in Loxney."
Dick laughed softly. "Loxney. Isn't that where you and I . . .?"
"First made love," Charles said with a sad smile.
"We were sixteen. I fucked you at the lake, in the shallows. I wrapped you in a towel and kissed you."
Charles remembered. How could he forget sex in broad daylight at the lake? They fell asleep wrapped in that towel together, naked, bathing suits strewn to the wind. When they awoke, some boys from the village had found them and were poking them with sticks. The children took their bathing suits and ran away laughing. Charles and Dick were then forced to return to town in nothing but towels. Heh. Such memories. And now Evelyn was there with the fox, creating her own memories.
"She asked after Aunty Giselle," Charles said quietly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dick's throat tighten. "What should I tell her? That her own son refuses to see her?"
"Charlie . . . don't. . ."
Charles' nostrils flared. "So what do you intend to do? Drink yourself into a stupor until she's dead? Then drink some more?"
Dick laughed dryly. "You know me so well."
"Stop it, dammit!" Charles snapped. He thumped his fist on the desk. "Just stoppit!"
Dick looked at him miserably. His brows pressed together and he whispered in sad surprise, "Charlie!"
Charles looked at him angrily. "This is your chance to finally make amends with your mother, and you are content to throw it away. For the better part of our lives, the two of you were never in a room together. Now you're one floor apart and still won't talk? If you let her die without making peace with her, you will regret it the rest of your life, Richard." He swallowed hard and the tears sprang to his eyes as he said, "I guarantee."
They both knew he was talking about Duke Verneus. The duke had been as bad a father as the greyhound maid had been a bad mother. Both were content to ignore Charles, and Duke Verneus took it a step further by actually exhibiting shame for him. As a boy, Charles was never allowed to attend important parties, mingle in court, or even see other noble children. But as Charles grew older, the duke began to accept him, and it was on his deathbed that he told Charles he had always loved him. He was just so terribly . . . afraid.
"Afraid of what?" Charles had asked.
The duke's dry lips cracked as he answered hoarsely, "Afraid that politics would kill you. I'd spare you and Evelyn both if I could, but you've a better chance of escaping this life. I tried so desperately to k-keep you from it. And now it seems . . . you shall become duke after all."
Charles pushed the memory away and looked over at Dick, who had lifted the decanter and was drinking from it. His teeth set. He pushed himself up from the desk, marched across the room, and snatched the decanter. Dick stared despondently at his lap. In the silence that followed, Charles set the decanter aside and just stood over his lover, feeling the weight of the world as it settled on his shoulders.
"Charlie . . ." Dick sniffed and his voice was thick with a sob. Without warning, he slumped forward out of the chair. Charles caught him, and they sank to the carpet together. He frowned sadly when Dick hugged him tight - and suddenly wept bitterly into his neck. It was the first time Dick had shown any emotion beyond vacant staring. And it was . . . heart shattering. To hear those sobs. Charles closed his eyes and stroked Dick's mane.
"She's d-dying . . ."
"I know, baby."
"And I don't know what to do. Charlie. . . I don't know what . . . ."
"Hush, Turnip. This is what we're going to do." Charles pulled back, and Dick let him go. He knelt before Charles with tears coursing down his cheeks, his eyes red, his red mane a mess in his face. Charles pulled out his kerchief and started dabbing his tears away. "We're going to go upstairs. And we're going to make sure she doesn't die surrounded by strangers but with the one she loves the most beside her." Still dabbing Dick's tears, he lifted his brows and peered into his eyes. "Alright?"
Dick's eyes softened as they danced fondly over Charles' face. "Father would have approved of you. You know that, Charlie?"
Charles laughed dryly. "Duke Louis? He didn't approve of anything. Candy made him angry, as I recall."
Dick smiled. "But he would have approved of this," he said breathlessly and kissed Charles hard.
"Mm! R-Richard . . ."
"I love you, Charlie," Dick whispered and took his paw. He squeezed. "Let's go to Mother." He got to his feet, pulling Charles with him.
Charles lifted his brows. "What changed your mind?"
"You did. I'm not afraid anymore."