Uncertainty and Doubt
#3 of Der Golem en Prague!
"Baroch atah Adonai eloheynu, melech ha-olam priit ha-gafehn", the lion prayed lifting his goblet filled with wine for his solitary meal in the temple's attic. This was where Loew lived, symbolically, his life was completely committed to Judaism with its emphasis on scholasticism, its rigid examination of the Scriptures, and of course, its mysticism, a vast uncharted wilderness that would bring one closer to the divine... or possibly, make one go completely insane. He thought back to ben-Abouya, the mystic who came to Paradise in one of the stories passed down through the histories who transformed into something different, a monstrous change from a nice, kind, and considerate person into an antagonistic, foul-mouthed one. It was for good reason that he was called "ha-Akher" (the Other) as he had fallen out of his faith. And the lion wondered if the same thing would happne to him.
And if he wasn't losing his Jewish faith, Loew would wonder if he had gone insane- creating a golem was a sign of immense power but at the same time, by playing G-d, he had taken away from His power by creating this animated creature of stone. Sure, this massive lion had protected the people and for that, Loew had received thanks and repayment in money. (He, of course, accepted no material possessions for his work.) But there were times, the lion wondered if creating the golem, a double-sized version of himself gifted with immense power, was truly justifiable.The golem lived what at best, could be described as a cursed existence- he had only calling in life that would never change, his only charge being the protection of the ghetto and the people unfortunate enough to live there. He could not make the poverty or the filth go away and his whole life through the only thing that gave his life meaning was fulfilling Loew's request.
Before eating his meal, the lion would often peer over at his gigantic counterpart. The Shabbat, a time of prayer and fasting for the Jews had just ended and this was the only day of the week that the golem had to be "turned off", made into a lifeless statue kneeling in the corner of the room next to a bookshelf filled with various rabbinical writings. Since the law forbid people from working on this day, the only time the residents of the ghetto were outside was ould be in the morning when they went to temple and a few hours later, when they returned from it. Loew remembered the sermon he preached there, its emphasis on how G-d would always provide for His people. But he knew that this was not His work- the golem had come as a result of what some would consider magic. When at last, the sun set Lowe recited the incantation which brought the golem to life, bringing the Kabbalistic sparks of divine energy into the statue. On cue, the stone lion moved out from its corner, though the golem overturned a menorah which if lit would have been disastrous.
"A mistake on my part, I'll have to find a place for you to sleep on the Shabbat."
The golem had no freewill and thusly, no personality and he was also quite clumsy and slow, being limited in his movements. But after years of eating lonely meals with only his books to keep him company, Loew wanted someone to talk to, even if it was some slave whose only purpose in life was to take orders.
"I take it your protection of the Judenstadt has been vigilant this week."
"Indeed it has. And I have found the more times I protect the people, the less times that those incidents between them and their assailants occur," was the monotone response.
"This is what is called fear. Know that in the past, when those miscreants came into the ghetto, they went without fear of reproach. Now, you stand as a barrier, an enforcer who makes sure that no one gets hurt. This community has needed you for the longest time. Without you, we would have no protection."
"But I don't feel right about it- I want to do more than just protect people." This was a bit of a shock to Loew- he had simply assumed that his creation had no freewill, no feelings. But that ambition, that willingness to go beyond his calling in life awakened a nameless fear in the lion's heart, a fear which he had suppressed for the longest time.
'What if the golem becomes too powerful for me to control? I feel a deep connection to him even though he is nothing more than a servant. Sure, I could always just remove that letter from his forehead but that would be the end for him. I'd be nothing more than a murderer- assuming one could consider the golem alive'. His mind was riddled with questions over what made someone living- could this creature trolled from the clays of a river be considered lving. But then, what of dybbuks, spirits of departed people possessed by souls who gone astray on the path to heaven?
All these flowed through the lion's head, until he was caught off-guard by the golem's question.
"You want some of the food? It would help you concentrate"
And that's exactly what Loew needed to do right now.