FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Me and Alex? Not happening. Me and Ted? Not happening. Me and anyone else? Not happening. I don't care because I do care. I don't know who I care for, because I care for all of them. They're the only people I would truly say I love, but each and every one of my friends has made my life better, and I try my best to let them know how grateful I am for that.

I've shut myself in my room, isolated myself from the world, but sometimes they force their way in and make me know that they care. It's nice in a way that's horrible. I guess in a way, it's nice because it's horrible. I don't like that they do this, but it's one of the few things keeping me from suicide at this point. I hate everything about myself, and it just slowly gets worse and worse.

By Christmas, Alex and Ted are afraid of me. Not because they think I'll hurt them, but because they think of anything bad happens to me, it'll kill me. They're protective, and I love both of them for it. I try to reassure them that I'm fine, but they don't believe me. Probably a good thing too, because if they did, they'd joke about the pentagrams and I'd try to contrive a sick and fucked up way to kill myself.

At Ted's place, Christmas is nice. There's only a few people there, his family, mine, and Alex. Everyone understands that my pentagrams are natural, and I think every adult can tell that I'm unstable. It's Tim they worry about. They think he's gonna say something that's gonna trigger my forming depression, and they told him not to talk to or about me.

I overheard my parents talking about my Christmas present. They worry that it's not enough, but I broke in and told them that I don't really care what I get, as long as it doesn't make others feel lesser than me. They smiled but I knew it was fake. They're afraid of me and my madness. I don't care there. All I want for Christmas is to feel better, but that's not going to happen and I know it isn't.

I got Ted and Alex presents, and then they felt guilty because they didn't get me anything. As if my dumb presents are worth anything. I don't care what or even if they get me anything, as long as they don't feel lesser. I want everyone around me to believe that I'm either equal to or beneath them, because if they think I'm better, they'll treat me like I'm better, and I'm not.

I actually did talk to Tim for a while, and explained to him that I hate myself and how I think I'm a freak and how I think I'm a pathetic weakling who deserves to die. He gives me scared looks instead of the old questioning glances that I somewhat miss. Every time I catch someone looking at me, they have worried or scared looks on their faces. They're terrified and afraid of the monster that's lurking inside of me. The monster that will inevitably kill me. I'd let it kill me, too.

Others try to include me in games but I can't bring myself to join. I hole up in my sleeping bag and blanket in Ted's room, and play on my laptop, and cry a little bit before I sleep every night. This isn't any way to live. I welcome death.

It's Christmas eve, now, and everyone's watching movies. Ted and Alex force to watch the movies with them, and everything feels almost normal. It makes me realize that I'm not a horrible person. And then I catch a reflection of myself on the window. I see things moving, so I go look at myself in the mirror. My pentagrams are changing, a new strand of blue is forming around the circle on my head and my eyes are glowing blue and red.

I'm afraid the others will point it out, but they don't. When I sit back down on the couch, they all notice it, but refuse to say anything. I don't even want to know what it becomes. I just want death.

I finally bring myself to speak, and they pause the movie as my mouth opens. They eagerly embrace any words I have to say.

"I know my pentagrams are changing." They don't know how to respond. We sit in silence for a moment before Alex speaks up.

"Well, they just look cuter now. The blue really changes the looks of the pentagrams, and makes them look more like... snowflakes." His words are kind. My chest clenches up, and I feel my eyes water. My nose starts running and I can't help myself. I lay my head on Alex's shoulder and start crying. He wraps me up in his blanket and holds me tight.

We go back to watching the movie, but I can't focus on it. I fall asleep in Alex's welcoming arms, his warm fur that seems to comfort me, his strong chest that keeps me safe, and his rhythmic breathing.

I don't care any more. I only want Alex. Fuck Ted. Fuck X. Fuck the others. They're not Alex. Alex has always been there, has always wanted me, and I've always wanted him. I don't care if it's a lie that I'm telling myself, I'll make myself believe it because it makes him just as happy as it makes me.

They wake me up for dinner and keep me awake to watch White Christmas. Ted's family has a tradition to get pajamas before they go to bed on Christmas Eve. Ted's family dealt with Alex, who coincidentally got the same thing my parents gave me. Flannal, plad, pajama pants with red and blue stripes. They think it's cute that we wear the same thing, and I just think it's neat.

We go up to Ted's room and fall asleep before he even gets there. I vaguely remember him kissing me on the forehead, and telling me I'm cute. I just smile and hug him tighter. Everything feels so warm and happy all of a sudden and it might even cure what I've started calling depression.

In the morning they make us put on clean shirts because of some party later. Me and Alex inadvertantly wear the same shirt, but go with it because everyone thinks it's absolutely adorable. I tell Ted I'm sorry that I'm flaunting this in his face, and he just shrugs saying he's just glad to see me happy. I'm nearly brought to tears by this and have to hug him to keep myself from crying.

They finally let us come downstairs to see our presents and stockings. We all have cool things, but I feel kinda bad for Alex, who doesn't get something as personal as Ted's expensive drawing paper and pencils. He just gets a bible and a couple magic themed Xbox games. I got a bunch of weird, wacky things like magnetic silly putty and a small science kit. We all got hex bugs and raced them on the coffee table.

Alex was about to toss the bible when Ted told him to open it. Instead of bible verses and such, the story was actually The Hobbit, which he of course had never even read. Later, when we opened our presents, we decided that Alex probably got the most personal gifts of all, since everything was magic and science oriented. He got a massive crate that had all seven Harry Potter books in it, and another set of the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy.

He thanked everyone and joked about how his parents would kill us for this, then thanked us all again. Ted got a new guitar and I got a massive encyclepedia about astronomy. Our parents said they were sorry that Alex got more stuff, but we all agreed it was only fair since they were all books and the real gift was that his parents weren't here.

When they opened my gifts, they thought the stuff I gave them was really cool. I had gotten Alex a blu-ray collection of the Harry Potter movies, and I got Ted a few Led Zeppelin albums. They thanked me for the gifts and hugged me. I decided this was officially the best Christmas I'd ever had, and probably ever would have.

I hadn't really payed attention to what Tim had gotten, but when I looked over, I saw a mountain of lego sets almost as tall as him. You know those massive boxes you see in stores that are like a million pieces, the thing itself stands three feet tall, and it nibbles on your credit card just looking at it's price tag? Yeah, he got like eight sets like that.

We had a nice big breakfast of pancakes and waffles, and we started up Christmas music and just enjoyed the holiday. It was nice, until three, when people started showing up, and glaring at my pentagrams.