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Chapter 6

Ian bobbed his head as he sat at his laptop, listening to an album he located on YouTube with the strangest name ever, oOoOO. It reminded him of the way a ghost might sound, and given the music's ethereal and dark aura, it seemed more than fitting! His dad had left earlier that morning for a shift to work and Ian woke up some time around seven, and it was now quarter past nine, and he was feeling antsy. He was exhausted from the sex they had three days ago, but he was fidgeting, and thinking about his dad with a smile on his face. Ian clicked onto the next page of his Calculus Study Sheet, regretting even offering to take the course to make his father happy. He could handle it at seventeen, but he detested being forced to take the advanced literature class; if he had to write one more analysis on a sonnet, he was going to be done with it.

Ring ring!

He reached over and picked up the house phone, and answered, "This is Ian Steele, how can I help you?"

"I--Ian--Ian is that you?"

Ian's eyes widened and he stood up instantly, "Mom--where--why--what is it?"

He heard his mom sigh softly and she shifted around, "I tried calling your father, he is at work--I needed to talk to him."

"About what? I'll text him," Ian began slowly, looking around at the ground. He had not heard his mother's voice in two months now, and even before--it was always hollow.

"Sweety--I am sorry--I am a terrible mom to you! I abandoned you and your father!" The mother's voice broke off into a sob which she struggled to fight against, clearing out her nose as she apologized over and over to Ian. He felt numbed this sudden behavior, and even though he had been so mad at her for what she did, and how she abandoned him--he tried to tell her it was ok, the best way he knew how to. He couldn't even help his father when he was angry, he had no idea how to help his mom now, until she stated why she had called.

"I need to speak to Matt--ok? Just get--get him to call me, sweety." His mother sounded almost desperate, "I--he'll explain it to you--ok?"

"Mom--what happened? Did something bad happen to you?" Ian began quickly and he felt him-self beginning to panic, "Where are you?"

"Oh I am ok--just, not right now, ok sweety?" She cleared her nose and sighed out, "I'll talk to you when I am less like this, hunny. I promise--just listen out for the phone, ok?"

Ian sighed and looked down at the floor and closed his eyes, "O-ok mom, I love you. I'll wait for you to call back--bye."

"I love you too sweety--bye." His mom's voice was breaking again and she hung up; Ian remembered the last time he saw her crying. It was after her miscarriage--it was a few years ago, Ian was only fourteen; when he came home to find his mom in tears, and first the first time he saw his dad crying, he did not know what to say, or do. Learning that what could have been his little brother had died left him speechless, and ever since--after his mother began seeing another man when she had her breakdown, to the divorce, he had remained mostly silent.

Fuck--fuck--fuck! God dammit what happened to her--I hope she is ok. Mom you're so fucking--not careful!

<<Dad I NEED you to call mom right now. I do not know what happened but she called me in tears.

Ian tapped his claws on the table anxiously as he waited for a few seconds and began to pace around in the kitchen, jumping when his phone began ringing. He answered it immediately and his father berated him with questions, and Ian struggled to answer that he did not know, she would not tell him anything, but she was in tears.

"God dammit Rebecca--what have you done?" Matthias sighed deeply and groaned as he had walked into his office and rest his head in his hands, "Are you ok Ian?"

"Yeah dad, I am fine. Just--what is going on, do you know?" Ian asked carefully.

"No, but--let me call her. I'll call you later, get back to your homework, I'll text you son."

"Ok dad--love you." Ian said quietly.

"Love you too Ian," Matthias replied quietly as well.

The cell phone went silent, and Ian forced him-self back down onto his laptop to continue his work in silence, though he was shaking at his hands at hearing his mom cry. It bothered how much he resented her for how she had become in the later months--he knew he could not blame her, but at the same time, it infuriated him! She always made his dad mad, she always seemed to just have a reason to fight, and he was worried if the guy she was had left her--or if something else worse happened. His brain was rocked by this and he finally grew too restless, and walked outside onto his porch and took a deep breath, looking out into the neighborhood. The sun was pretty bright today, it was windy with a slight coolness form the mountains that was refreshing enough; sighed and leaned against his door.

God dammit man--why am I so shitty at helping my mom or dad out? Fuck--fuck I am so friggin useless!

Ian saw Janet and Brad walking down the street and he waved halfheartedly to them, receiving a more enthusiastic salutation; Janet jogged away up to Ian, her smile fading slightly when she saw how upset he looked.

"Hey Ian, did I come over at a bad time?" She asked, "I was going to ask if you and your father wanted come by for the fourth of July!"

Ian shook his head, "No no, I'll let him know, that sounds great. It's just--eh--I dunno."

"Oh I know that look," She began with a smile and hands on her hips, "What's got you bothered sweety?"

Ian shrugged a bit, "I suck at--talking to people when they're upset."

"Like who, your father?"

Ian gave a slight nod and Janet folded her arms and nodded, thinking to her-self a little bit. "You know really, when a person is sad, or angry--I think the best thing you can do is just let them talk it out, let them know you're there to listen. Don't just stand there and be a board--but really let them know you are there for support."

"But how? I mean--how do you do that for a person who is _really_emotional?" Ian asked unsurely, "Like crying hysterically, or pissed off?"

"Well, it is really simple. Sometimes you just got to brave your way past their own emotions, be stronger than how they feel! Grab them, look them in the eyes and just tell them relax, I am here, and then just get them to talk ok?"

"I-I guess I could try, thanks Mrs. Janet."

"Sure! So we'll see you at our place!" She sounded suddenly happy and patted the dragon teen on his shoulder and jogged back to her husband who was busy texting, and then the two of them moved off down the street. Ian knew she was in a way right, but he didn't even know how to deal with his own emotions when he was upset; he always locked up and went quiet, never knowing what to say or do then. Sometimes it was easier with a not so familiar face, because he was not scared of being judged, or saying the wrong thing to him; with his friends he was confident and in charge. When it came to his mom or dad, or even his relatives he felt as small, and significant as a bug.

The day began to drone by slowly and when it was mid afternoon Ian still had not received a call from his mom, or his dad. By this time it was around three, and he was all ready growing anxious, and dared to try texting his dad to get a response, but he did not get much. He figured his dad must have put his cell onto silent mode in case of an emergency; he decided against staying in the house any longer, feeling cooped up and claustrophobic. He shut off the lights, locked the doors and windows, and left out towards the park and that old, abandoned warehouse that was down that shady street, which was maybe two miles away. Ian plugged in his headphones and began a two and a half hour long stretch of parkour, reciting his routine that started off from the playground, and eventually led him to the space behind the abandoned warehouse.

When five-thirty began to roll around he was tired but not exhausted; with the sun setting and the sky paved in orange and purple sporadic clouds, like balls of cotton, he decided to head back home. He quickly walked across to main high ways and up the long, curved road that led to the gated area where he lived. He kept his head down, all the while he had thought over what had been going on; his dad's truck was back, and he sprinted his way up to their drive.

Ok--brace your-self--hope dad is not in a really bad mood. If he is I'll just--deal with it?

Ian moved up onto the porch and then opened the door to home and stepped in, looked to the kitchen and froze as he saw his mom sitting at the dining room table. She looked up from a cup as she was mid sentence with Matthias who held a grim stare at his own hands, and Ian closed the door slowly behind him.

"Ian, come here and sit down," Matthias began slowly as he glanced over his shoulder to his son, "we--all need to talk."

Ian nodded and kicked off his shoes and sat across from his mom and dad, feeling a sickening nostalgia, as it felt just like it did back April when they had this same arrangement. Rebecca looked over to Matthias who closed his eyes and looked down at his hands, shaking his head and muttered under his breath, before speaking.

"Rebecca you tell him what happened," Matthias said shortly, "I think your son should hear it from you."

Rebecca nodded with an equally grim expression, and looked to Ian. She reached over and gently touched his arm, and Ian instinctively grabbed her hand and gave it a bit of a squeeze, before letting go, like he used to.

"Well hunny--where do we start? Um--I--the man I was with, that I left your father for, well he totaled my car; and then his mother kicked me out of the house we were living in, and tried to sue me for what happened. She dropped the case--so I dropped them."

Ian's eyes widened and he dropped his jaw partially, but he could not say anything about it, as he hated the man she had left them for. Matthias gave off a deep slow breath and reserved him-self from speaking as he had promised to do for the time being, until he would explain to Ian why she was there.

"I talked to your father, who agreed to let me come here, since I have nowhere else to go."

"That is ok--but are you ok?" Ian began, "I mean--after the accident?"

"Oh I was fine," She smiled and laughed a little. "Kind of banged up my head, but he had it worse; I think his family blamed me."

Matthias folded his hands together and continued to look down at the table as he thought about the situation, silently residing him-self not to saying anything. She looked to Matthias, who held a silent gaze at the table before standing up and moving across the kitchen to the freezer, and pulled out his Jägermeister, and poured him-self a mug of it. When he sat down he took a sip of it and avoided a glance from Ian, as they sat in silence at the table.

"What--are you going to do now?" Ian asked.

Matthias said nothing, still silent, and Rebecca cast him a partial glare, asking him why he had not said a word since Ian walked in. Matthias said he was thinking about what they would do now; Ian was worried his father was brewing up with some kind of emotion, as he had been abnormally quiet. Rebecca finally became too annoyed by this silent gaze and asked Matthias why it was he was so quiet, asking him if he were even worried about the accident she was in!

"Are--you even going to say anything, Matt?" She began with a somewhat frustrated sigh, "why are you just sitting there like a ghost?"

"Because I am thinking about what to say, Rebecca." Matthias closed his eyes.

"What, in-between drinks?" She prodded with a sour expression, "I'm finally here and all you do is sit there, drinking, again."

Matthias put his cup down with an aggressive slam and looked up at her, "You would not even talk to our son for two months, because you were too busy fucking your therapist! And now you waltz in here, acting like I owe you something?!"

"You could at least try talking, instead of sitting there like a ghost, and drinking!" She argued now more loudly, "and don't you dare tell me I didn't try talking to Ian, because I did!"

"What is his cell phone number?" Matthias asked her, "What was he doing this week, or last week, or the months before?! You were too busy enjoying our settlement to even fucking call him!"

Rebecca slammed her hands onto the table as she began crying and arguing back and Ian stood up from the table and walked away; they both called for him, however Ian was not ready for the fighting. He moved into his bed room now and sat there listening to music as his parent's voice culminated into a raucous shouting match. Ian's mom began her routine of blaming Matthias for only knowing how to be angry, and for never being there for her when she needed him! His father yelled in return that he was there for her as much as he could be when he was off work, and that he did everything he could save her from her depression! After her miscarriage this took place only one year after her sister had passed away from a malignant brain tumor; his mom was never able to handle the deaths in the family, and she was prone to depression. After the miscarriage she began dejected for weeks on end, and Matthias had struggled to figure out what to do with her, unable to bring her back.

Ian remembered--the times his father would bring her gifts, take her away from the house, and even stay gone for week in the Keys. Nothing he did saved her from her-self and the embittered existence she was creating; it became to the point where she became a ghost, and Matthias shut down. This was when Ian was still younger, but it haunted him to this day to see them collapse after months of struggle. He was like them in a way, where even when he wanted to try to help either of them he was silent and taciturn --he never knew what to say, or do.

After a good half hour of it the two of them finally calmed down enough when they had separated from each other; Rebecca was in her room down the hall and Matthias was in the kitchen.

"Dad," Ian began quietly, "Are you ok?"

Matthias laughed and shook his head as he contemplated another drink, "Yeah son, fucking peachy. Your mother seems to think this is my entire blunder as usual--and has nothing better to do than cry and hold me responsible! I tried, didn't I? Or was I just a fucking failure of a husband?"

"No, you weren't, dad." Ian frowned a little when his dad looked at him with an expression of pure anger, and he hated seeing him like that. He looked away and Matthias did to, and Ian waited for a moment, before asking him if he wanted him to make anything to eat.

"Not tonight--I am not hungry. You can make something for you and Rebecca," Matthias grumbled, "I'm going to go to my room for a few hours."

"Wait dad, come on--" Ian protested. "I really don't want you to be gone all night in your room."

Matthias sighed and groaned out, "I just need some time to my-self, Ian. Your mother has my nerves shot; so just make something for you and her."

Matthias walked past his son and around the counter, and Ian listened to him march down the hall and shut his door harshly. He stood quietly in the kitchen and as well did not feel like eating anything either and he moved into his room. It was now almost six in the evening and his parents had kept their distance for a little while until both began talking to each other in Matthias's room; it was amicable, for the most part. Matthias has no interest in trying to rekindle anything with her, and Rebecca, was trying to find a shoulder to lean on, worked to convince Matthias Ian needed them both. He was however not persuaded to sit there and welcome her back into his heart after what she did, and who she became.

Acting as if it was her responsibility exclusively and she was the epitome of all that is wrong in a mother, and wife; she began sobbing, wondering why Matthias thought she was so damaged. Matthias's argued over her crying that he did everything he could for her, he was there every moment he could be! She said he never was, he was only occupying the space with her, and that he was always distant, and cold. This set him off, as it always did again, and he demanded to know how he never cared when he stayed up into long hours of the night by her side, comforting her after her sister passed, or the miscarriage.

"Because you NEVER understood my pain!" She cried out to him, "I lost a child and my sister--and you just sat there, watching me cry!"

"I sat there, trying to comfort you! I held you, I fucking loved you and sacrificed all I could to sit there, and be there for you! When was it never fucking enough Rebecca!? We neglected Ian for almost a year; he probably hates us for what we put him through!"

"Oh so it is my fault!?" She shrieked, "The only thing you knew how to do was sit there and tell me it was all right. But it is never all right! You do not know what it is like to have a child die--before you even get to see them!"

" I LOST MY SON TOO!" Matthias roared out at her at the top of his lungs, "I lost my child too! And then I lost my wife because she died inside--and when you left me, because you either stopped loving me and your son--I could not help you!"

"Well what could you have done?! You let me go--you just let me leave, you didn't even try to stop me Matt! Do you know how long I stayed up--thinking about how hard it was to continue living--that was the second time, Matthias!"

"Then we--we should have stopped trying!" Matthias pleaded out, unable to find any other explanation but the one he always had, "We have Ian! You wanted more kids because you didn't want him growing up alone!"

Ian covered his ears as his parents argued into the night once more--and now it was about him, again. The stages cycled through until presumably they had lost the ability to keep screaming at one another until they slammed doors, and locked them-selves away finally, for the last time. Ian stopped cautiously out of his bedroom and moved into the living room where he sat down, ordered him-self pizza, and tried to distract his mind with his Xbox. It felt strange, foreign and yet natural to sit there with the intent of preoccupying his mind; his pizza arrived and he moved to eat it quietly at the table, while he had the TV's volume down moderately low, incase anything happened.

His father came out of the room not long after and his face was worn; his eyes were pink from crying and he looked as bad as he used to. He did not look at Ian but moved into the kitchen and poured him-self a glass of tea; Ian looked up at him from the corner of his eyes, but Matthias did not return the gaze immediately. He waited around in the dimly lit room for a few moments before walking to Ian; pausing the game and looked up at him, and then down at his feet, Ian waited for what he had to say. Matthias set his glass of tea down and despite how wrecked he felt inside, he did not want to drink anymore now. The last thing he needed was for that to happen again--

"Dad, are--I mean--are you going to be all right, now?" Ian struggled to formulate his sentence.

Matthias looked at the table with that empty, mournful gaze and sighed, lowering his shoulders. "She knows how to make me feel as if I am the worst man alive--I do not know what I did, or didn't do--I do not know anything while she is around."

Ian looked down at the floor and sighed, "I--don't think you did anything wrong. I remember seeing you trying to help mom--a lot."

"Well it seems I never did enough. She stopped loving me--who can blame her? All I do is get angry, or say nothing." Matthias snorted with frustration at him-self as he looked up at the wall, feeling the heat of disgust with him-self. He had not felt so low of a man in so long; it was a familiar shade of nadir that fell over him again. The misery was always out of sight, behind a mask of silence, or he became too irate when he was emotional to articulate his own feelings without hostility to say what he needed to say! He placed his face into his hands and swayed his tail at his feet with frustration, and Ian looked over unsurely and gently touched his dad's shoulder.

Matthias did not budge, and Ian hoped he would have said something, or moved--but his father was like a statue. Ian retracted his hand and growled at him-self for idly watching his dad; he knew he was in pain, and he could feel his father's sorrow. He shifted closer and then slowly draped his tail over his father's: Mathias looked down at the tail, and then over to his son. His face was darkened with worry and stress, he could see the young eyes were so nervous and apprehensive, and it looked like he felt guilty. It bothered him to see his son like this, he did not want him to be that way; he did not want any of this to be the way it was.

"I am not getting back with your mother," Matthias spoke through his lips quietly.

Ian nodded, "I didn't expect you to."

Matthias shrugged his big shoulders and sipped from his tea and frowned deeply, "She seems to think I owe her something--to repent for being such a shit husband to her. For never being there."

"Dad you were! I remember it--you were always trying, but. . ."

"But it never seemed good enough. Maybe I did not try hard enough or maybe--she was hiding too far away for any of us to reach." Matthias did not know, and he shook his head, rubbing it, "But that is that--she still loves you Ian, even if she did not show it at times--or me."

"Dad it--is all right, I am happy, and I've always been happy." Ian tried to reassure him. "I mean--you should know how happy I've been with you."

Matthias shrugged his shoulders again and looked at his son unsurely, "Were you really happy, with me? How do you know that you would be--happy living like that, hiding a relationship like she did?"

Ian frowned and felt hurt by that, and he looked down at the couch. "Because you're my dad--I've always been happy with you."

Matthias gripped his fists and he felt his lower jaw tremble as he held back the urge to cry from the culmination of emotions inside of him. He shook his head and his arms began to shake as a tea slipped down his cheek; he wished he could not feel so much doubt about how honest Ian was. He wished he did not have to live with the shame of feeling as if he could never be a good enough man to his wife, and now he felt the same way with his own son! Ian moved close to his dad as he began crying and wrapped his arm over the broad shoulders and pulled him; Matthias resisted in the beginning, but Ian forced his dad to lean over to him. Leaning his head down Ian rested his snout against his dad's as he quietly cried out what was building up inside of him, and he rubbed at his father's back slowly, wondering if this is what he went through. Sitting there--just holding the person as they cried, and dealt with their pain inside, on their own.

I have to say something--not just some bull shit to make him feel better. Dammit man--

Ian sucked in a breath and gently nuzzled into his dad's cheek and spoke quietly, "Dad I will always be here--I promise. I love you as my father and as--someone that I know I can feel happy, and safe with."

Matthias cleaned off his eyes and looked away with a murmur, "You should be saying those words to someone different--better."

"I don't want anyone else but you, dad." Ian said quietly, hoping it would calm him down, "So please--relax dad, ok? I don't want to see you like this again--because you look like a rancor, chopping onions."

Matthias was silent for a moment and sat up away from Ian, and Ian feared he had just fucked up, and he watched his dad in silence again. Then Matthias smiled at his son and shook his head, telling him that was a terrible joke to make, but--it made him feel better. He took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, looking over to his son and smiled a bit happier, thanking him.

Ian smiled back, "So--will you be ok now, dad?"

"I think so; just don't call me a rancor again. I hate Starwars," Matthias warned him.

"That's fine--I told you I'd take the throne eventually." Ian playfully teased him, and Matthias laughed quietly, letting him have his moment.

He brushed his hand over his son's face and then leaned in to give him a kiss when Rebecca's door opened and he pulled away, snatching his hand off his son's cheek. As she walked through Ian looked up at her, see an equally stressed, and tear stained face. She said she was going outside to smoke and Matthias stood up from the couch, casting a glance to his son before following her outside. His father's whole demeanor changed almost instantly--and it bothered him, realizing he may have to fight to keep him away from the depression. He did not know what to do about his parents and their violent interactions with each other; but he prayed that tomorrow, it would all be more amicable. When it came time to sleep Ian decided to stay on the couch that night, hoping he could be close to his dad, but he never got the chance. Matthias did not talk about why, but Ian knew they would not be able to be close like that--and he hated it, so much, because now he felt like he was being kept hidden, instead. His dad moved into his room to go to sleep and he glanced over his shoulder to his son before walking in and closing the door; Ian received a text from his father, apologizing for leaving him alone like that. Ian rolled onto his back and told him it would be fine, and not to worry. His mother was quiet in her room as well, but he could hear her talking on her cell phone to someone, presumably his grandmother; he thought he heard her go into his dad's room at one point, and he thought the worst. A feeling of jealousy was powerful in him at the idea that his mother would try to be back with his dad after what happened-- when he awoke the next morning his dad and left him single text on his cell phone.

<<I love you son, more than you know; thank you for being there, last night. I will make it up to you, I promise...just give me some time.